My first baby, not his. — The Bump
January 2016 Moms

My first baby, not his.

I am having a great pregnancy (for the most part!) I've been happy, overjoyed really..I love soaking in the entire experience! I just have ONE problem..

My SO has a daughter already. Though this will be a boy, and he is happy about that, I feel something weird going on. He acts like this is all old, boring, and a pain in his butt. He hates going to any dr appts, and doesn't really show any excitement for anything regarding my baby. It's dissapointing, and some days it can really bum me out when I'm excited about something, and he doesn't care. I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't seem to change his ways. I'm not sure what to do! Any advice?!

Re: My first baby, not his.

  • Most guys are this way even when it's their first baby. For men being a father starts when the baby is born. Pregnancy doesn't help them feel close to the baby the way it does for you. I totally understand not being able to help but feel bummed. I get the same way sometimes and this is my DH and I's 2nd baby.
    princesita26GAgirlinSDakotaTifVBKnottie1452445632
  • I think it's a guy thing. Hubby does the same. I don't expect him to go to my appointments...they're boring anyways. This is my second with one step son.
    Knottie1452445632
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  • @QueenCarlissa I totally agree with you. These (twins) are our first and my DH And I read to them together every night. He is totally involved and excited about the babies, comes to all appointments and makes sure my every need is satisfied. I'm sorry that you're not having the same experience. I hope he turns it around
    QueenCarlissakodariahSisterSunshineBabyBoyH2016
  • victoria3000victoria3000 member
    edited October 2015
    Honestly just focus on yourself more as you don't want to force him to be excited. As disappointing as it sounds, and I'd be the same as you, try to embrace girlfriends and family instead. I'm sure he's excited and maybe even nervous as many men get! Just leave him be and enjoy your positive self!
    mahlod
  • Some guys just don't get excited. They can't grasp the concept until there's a LO in their arms. My husband is behaving the same way you describe and this is our first. I think it's just a personality thing, there's nothing they really can DO for this LO until they are out!
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    Knottie1452445632
  • Ellyryan said:
    I am having a great pregnancy (for the most part!) I've been happy, overjoyed really..I love soaking in the entire experience! I just have ONE problem.. My SO has a daughter already. Though this will be a boy, and he is happy about that, I feel something weird going on. He acts like this is all old, boring, and a pain in his butt. He hates going to any dr appts, and doesn't really show any excitement for anything regarding my baby. It's dissapointing, and some days it can really bum me out when I'm excited about something, and he doesn't care. I've tried talking to him about it, but he doesn't seem to change his ways. I'm not sure what to do! Any advice?!
    I'm looking at your verbiage, and am wondering...do you refer to the baby always as "my baby?" Have you tried using "our baby," or "your son?" It might make a difference. I'm 27 weeks today, and my husband is JUST getting excited. (It's my first, but his fourth.) We had a bit of a health scare this weekend, and I think it may have put some things into perspective for him. Don't fret too much. I'm sure when the baby is here, it will be different. Sometimes it's hard to get excited when it isn't kicking you from the inside!
    MrsB915Monilee1017Leah6120kducharme
  • My husband wasn't excited in the slightest, but I tried to do little things to make it more enjoyable now and he gets excited with all my baby stuff recent or at least he is faking it pretty well. I would just try little things to help him come around.
  • The child I am carrying now is my first and his second. It is a boy as well, his first child was a girl.
    At first SO didn't really seen interested, he was excited but there was something off about him. Then come the first ultrasound- that changed everything. He comes to every ultrasound (ultrasound are only done on Tuesdays at my dr office, happens to be the ONLY day SO is off from work) his face lit up like the Fourth of July when he saw it was a boy. He'll walk around saying "my boy", he randomly touches my stomach and kisses it. When baby starts kicking hell out his hand there.
    It's magical to see his transformation.
    Yesterday, during the ultrasound baby yawned- that's the only thing he's talked about since then.

    It's not "a man" thing. That's YOUR mans thing. Something is bothering him, maybe talk to him about it- make him see that you are feeling unimportant it's a BIG change in your lives. I hope it gets better for you.
  • I agree that some guys unfortunately don't get it until the baby arrives. This is my first baby and my husband's third. I can't say he's not interested at all but I was a little disappointed in the beginning when he didn't seem as excited as me. But as my pregnancy progressed he is much different and I know he will be even more so once our baby comes. Feeling kicks and picking out a name has been something that he gets excited about. 

    But I don't think that guys who don't get excited at all during the pregnancy is a big problem necessarily. I'm sure it's disappointing but they don't go through what we do. It's not on their brain 24/7 like us. They don't get the joy of feeling the baby the way we do. And I'm sure many guys are very stressed about taking care of you and the new addition once the baby comes. So I wouldn't put too much weight on his reaction now. And since this isn't his first baby, you have the pleasure of seeing what kind of dad he already is so as long as he's a good dad now, there isn't any reason to doubt he will be a good dad to this baby. 
  • Like some PPs have said, some guys just don't get excited during pregnancy.  My exH was super excited for all 3 of my pregnancies with him.  To the point where it was annoying.  My current SO?  Not so much.  He'll feel a kick or 2 if I say something, but he's just not that into it.  He's a great dad though.  very hands-on.

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  • My husband was the exact same way! He has a daughter from a previous relationship and our baby is a boy, too. It drove me absolutely crazy that he wouldn't show any excitement! When we went for our ultrasound, to me it kinda felt like he was there just to be there then the ultrasound tech asked if we were sure we wanted to find out the gender and as soon as she said "there's the boy parts" he started grinning. Then he wouldn't let me see the pictures at first. When it came time to register, he still seemed a little "eh.." Then once we started looking at clothes, it was like his whole attitude changed. He's went as far as registering for things online when he has down time at work and he's constantly checking our registry to see if anything else has been purchased. He picked out the first name so that also helped; I just changed the spelling. he's been trying to figure out who to have as the pediatrician and dentist. Then he was talking about as soon as we get a social security card, he wants me to go open up a savings account.
    I think some of it originally was that he's been so used to seeing his daughter once a week and every other weekend for 6 years then it finally hit him that he'll get to see one of his children every day.
  • My SO already has a son and he's been the same way. He doesn't come to most appointments, he was bored to death in our "2 hour 3D ultrasound" (it was 20 mins), he's only felt the baby once because he want touch my tummy for more than 10 seconds, and he is never excited about the miniature clothing that arrives. I think pregnancy just isn't that interesting to some guys. Men are often visual/hands on creatures and right now the baby is mostly just a concept to them. Their reaction doesn't reflect how much they love us, or our babies or how awesome they will be as daddies.
    failuretofly
  • Oh, also remember that our guys with kids who aren't ours went through this with someone else already...someone they didn't end up with and who might have made their lives hell. I know my man's ex was a full on nightmare. So that could be causing some emotional detachment as well, especially if things worsened during or after pregnancy.
    ChrissyD1203stephanienjer
  • I think sometimes they are.. they just don't show it the same way. On a day to day my hubby is kindof nonchalant about it. He usually only rubs my belly if I ask him to and he doesn't bring it up often. But he teared up at a couple of our ultrasounds, tells everyone he comes in contact with at work about our daughter, etc. He picked her name. I agree with PP.. use "our daughter/son", "our baby" etc.. it helps keep it in their mind that this is happening to them too.
  • All of you had great points. I guess I just don't know which side he is coming from. He says he's excited. And like someone said he's done this before and it didn't work out, so I know his nerves could be a wreck..but he also says what a different experience this has been so far. I just wish that I felt like he was more in it with me. He has 50% custody of his daughter, and it has been quite the journey for us both. He was very adiment that he didn't want any more kids, so I guess that he's not stomping on my parade is a good thing.
  • Then I would trust all is fine and enjoy the ride! The worst thing you can do is start picking at a wound that isn't there...
  • Yes I agree - it's not all men but certainly how my husband reacted (reacts) with each pregnancy. It upsets me now and again but I know him so well I know he cares he just doesn't do the whole hand holding getting involved thing until baby is born & then he's a different person - a doting dad and a baby thief (lol - I rarely got a look in after each were born). I wouldn't worry too much and look forward to when you get to meet your LO together. By all means talk about "our baby" and refrain from any jealous mention of how he's done it all before (you'll only distance him further). Not that that's what you are doing, its just that's probably how I'd be when annoyed at him. Perhaps ask him how he felt when he first saw his daughter with him - might help him think about it happening again :) good luck xxx
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