Hubby doesn't want baby + intro

megmarissa · October 2015

Hi mommas... quick intro... I have two beautiful kiddos (1 and 3 1/2). My husband was diagnosed with leukemia in February and we were told we would not be able to conceive due to his chemotherapy meds. Fast forward to May when low and behold I found out that I was pregnant with twins. (sterile my @ss). Unfortunately we lost the babies due to a rare disorder. I was crushed and have always wanted 3 kids. Hubby has been adamant that he wanted to be done. I wasn't on birth control and obviously we found out we could get pregnant so fast forward again to last Thursday when I had another positive test. I'm currently 5 weeks 2 days (due May 31st). Had an ultrasound yesterday to confirm pregnancy. Of course at 5 weeks we didn't see much (gestational sac and yolk) but measuring right on schedule.

DH has told me he is not on board. I think he will get there but right now he is not supportive at all. He doesn't want to hear about it and has told me he can't/won't be supportive at this point. Anyone else's SO in the same place?

yogahh · October 2015

Do you think he is just scared? Having a leukemia diagnosis and finding out a baby is on the way... I can only imagine how terrified he must be. Give him some time to get adjusted to the idea. How is he doing with his disease?

BUTTTTT, at the same time, this makes me mad/sad. It takes 2 to make a baby, and he obviously wasn't too concerned about his lil swimmers finding their way. A marriage is about supporting your spouse and the family. I am sorry to hear he is acting this way. This is a tough one. You found a good community of women here that will support you though if your husband doesn't come around.

megmarissa · October 2015

I think he is scared....lol he is def scared of being out numbered. He is generally doing really well healthwise. He was getting close to being in what would be considered remission for his type of leukemia. He still gets really tired at times.

I am definitely going to be leaning on friends and you ladies. After the miscarriage in May I'm a bundle of nerves. I want this baby so badly

mrstmoose · October 2015

I completely agree with @yogahh. I would be scared out of my mind as well but it does take two to make a baby. I would make an effort to have a calm conversation with him ASAP to talk about BOTH of your feelings.

megmarissa · October 2015

I've tried but it ended with a lot of blame..."its your fault this happened. You didn't take into consideration my feelings when you decided to get pregnant".... ummm pretty sure I couldn't impregnate myself.

The thing is he see's babies and he oohs and ahhs...

Nunuu · October 2015

Agreed with everyone else. I can't imagine the stress him and your family have been under because of his illness, and I'm sure there's going to some things to work through in the coming months. Luckily you have a little while tip the little one is here. Just stay happy and calm and try to keep him comfortable too. I bet with some patience he will come around quickly. Try be aware of some of his worries, which maybe be caused by fear of inadequacy and worries about future health. He's got a family to take care of and responsibility can be a lot to carry. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way

mrstmoose · October 2015

@megmarissa if all he can say is it's your fault that you got pregnant, then there is a bigger issue at hand. He knows (by evidence of your other LO's) how a woman gets pregnant and chose to have sex. He could've worn a condom or you guys could've discussed using other forms of birth control, but that didn't happen (I am assuming here). He needs to grow up a little bit in that regard and not blame you for getting pregnant. IMO.

haleyscott224 · October 2015

I'm not married but my boyfriend of two years and I are expecting may 19th. He's come to the first appointment with me but I don't think it's "real" to him until he can see something on U.s. But he isn't supportive at all and actually broke up with me two days ago because he's "not ready". Hopefully your husband comes around as I'm sure he will

babycakes8214 · October 2015

Looks like we have found ourselves on the same BMB, again (fellow A14'er). I'm so happy for you because I know how hard the loss of your twins was for you. I'm sorry your husband is acting like this but I do think in time, it will get better. I can't imagine being diagnosed with Leukemia, thinking I will never have more kids, getting my wife pregnant not once but twice. He must be on quite the emotional rollercoaster as well. He could see this baby as a glimpse into a future he may not envision having because of his diagnosis and I would imagine that is quite scary.

Give him some time. In the meantime, sending you lots of hugs! Congrats on your pregnancy!

megmarissa · October 2015

@babycakes several people I know ended up surprisingly pregnant this month

So glad to share it with you and others.

kmd0501 · October 2015

@megmarissa first I'd like to say I am so sorry for the struggles you are going through. I can't imagine how tough that must be. But like PP have said, perhaps DH is nervous/scared. It's probably very hard for him to be happy/excited for a new baby when he's facing his own mortality. I work with kids with cancer and oddly enough, parents VERY often are expecting a new baby when their child is diagnosed and that's a question that always gets ask. "How do we get excited for a new baby when we are faced with losing one?" I know it's a different scenario but perhaps that's the way your hubby is feeling. Or maybe he's concerned for you and your well being should something not go well for him. Again, I know nothing of your husbands condition or treatment but maybe seeing a counselor or someone to help you both sort out your feelings could help. This is definitely a unique situation but I will keep you both in my prayers and fingers crossed for comfort.

concreteayngel · October 2015

Has it occurred to you that he has a deadly disease, and that he doesn't want to bring another child in the world that, heaven forbid, might have to grow up without a father? Also, again, heaven forbid, if something happens to him, have you considered how much harder for YOU it will be to raise 3 children alone instead of 2? He is facing his own mortality here. Stop making it about you.

AdorkablePixie · October 2015

I am sorry your husband is feeling that way right now, but I hope he has a change of heart! It is definitely not your fault. It takes two to get pregnant, it couldn't have happened without him. It's not like you stole his sperm while he was asleep and inseminated yourself. Maybe once you're a little farther along he will come around. I know it must hurt for him to be saying and acting the way he is.

megmarissa · October 2015

@concreteayngMy husband has leukemia... CML.. one of the most liveable forms of cancer luckily. His outlook is that he will live for another 30-40 years. The doctors have said he is more likely to die of a heart attack then his leukemia.,, and yes I have considered what he is thinking thank you very much.... and yes this is about me because I'm the one pregnant and doing this pregnancy by myself anyway.

AdorkablePixie · October 2015

@megmarissa Don't let one negative nancy, who is probably just having a bad day, make you feel bad. You concerns and feelings are perfectly legit and you don't need to answer to anyone.

finnybooboo · October 2015

concreteayngel said:

Has it occurred to you that he has a deadly disease, and that he doesn't want to bring another child in the world that, heaven forbid, might have to grow up without a father? Also, again, heaven forbid, if something happens to him, have you considered how much harder for YOU it will be to raise 3 children alone instead of 2? He is facing his own mortality here. Stop making it about you.

Wowza, that was a little unnecessary.

OP - I'm sure he'll come along. Unless you have deceived him like saying you were taking BC but weren't (which I'm sure isn't the case), then he has no right blaming you for getting pregnant. If he was so against having another kid, maybe he should have taken extra precaution himself. I'm sure he'll come along once the shock has wore off. What's done is done, what is he suggesting you do about it now?

yogahh · October 2015

concreteayngel said:

Has it occurred to you that he has a deadly disease, and that he doesn't want to bring another child in the world that, heaven forbid, might have to grow up without a father? Also, again, heaven forbid, if something happens to him, have you considered how much harder for YOU it will be to raise 3 children alone instead of 2? He is facing his own mortality here. Stop making it about you.

Harsh much??

TheThornBird · October 2015

Why was he having sex with you knowing you weren't on BC? Not really fair to do that and then blame you....

Sorry you are going through this. Both times I've been pregnant, it took my SO a couple days to come around. I think it's pretty normal for men to say stupid stuff when they find out. Some are just jerks, but a lot are scared (hell, I say pretty stupid things because I'm terrified!). It sounds like your DH is probably scared; I can imagine since he is exhausted a lot of the time, the idea of taking care of a pregnant wife and then a newborn is overwhelming. He may also want to just have a "normal" life for awhile, without the added stressors of leukemia treatment and then a new baby. I can certainly understand if he wants to just chill out for awhile.

Have you talked to him about what scares him? Are there some things you two can figure out to make sure he's not going to have to take on more than he can realistically handle? I know a lot of us rely on our husbands to pick up the extra slack while we're pregnant and taking care of an infant, but he may medically not be up to the task, and you may need some additional help and support.

megmarissa · October 2015

@finnybooboo he hasn't said anything. He just doesn't want to talk about it. I told him I wasn't on birth control. I had to be on it for a month after the miscarriage because the doctor was concerned initially it was a molar pregnancy. When it came back all clear I told him I had 4 days of pills left and was stopping because they made me feel like @ss. He remembers the conversation but somehow thinks that translated to me still being on BC somewhere in his mind.

gracefulruby33 · October 2015

I'm so sorry!

If it were me, I would respect his wishes for now by not talking about it and wait for him to bring it up. I think he'll come around.

megmarissa · October 2015

@TheThornBird honestly his biggest thing... he wants the kids out of the house before he retires. He is 41 now and wants the kids out of college before he retires. That has always been his biggest "issue" that he brings up over and over about not having more kids.

Bluejay3030 · October 2015

You've already got a ton of great advice, so I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this position. I hope your H comes around once he gets over the shock. Sending positive thoughts your way!

mrstmoose · October 2015

megmarissa said:

@TheThornBird honestly his biggest thing... he wants the kids out of the house before he retires. He is 41 now and wants the kids out of college before he retires. That has always been his biggest "issue" that he brings up over and over about not having more kids.

If that's his only reason for not wanting this child, that's a little selfish. Most people don't retire until their 60's (unless very well off). 18 years old would put him at 59.

megmarissa · October 2015

@mrstmoose I know right.... it didn't go over well when I told him with the state of the economy we probably would both be working until we are 70.

katykatykaty · October 2015

If he honestly knew you weren't on the pill, he shouldn't be placing the blame on you. And if there's no question about his surviving this illness, and if he's really only concerned about retirement, I would just wait on him to come around. If those things are all true, I would guess he eventually will.

AppleRidge · October 2015

He shouldn't blame you, but he is entitled to be upset. If one of you did not want another kid, you both should have been taking measures to prevent one, and you are both equally "at fault."

I don't remember if anyone suggested counseling, but it would seem a good idea because there appears to be a lot at play here.

aamm04 · October 2015

If you knew that your husband did not want another child, why were you not on BC? Did he know you were not on BC? Seems to me like you took his choice away and that's not cool.

megmarissa · October 2015

@bbhme I agree there is equal "fault" in the situation just not all on me.

We've done counseling together in the past (together and separate). I recommended it to him again but didn't get a straight answer.

The "hilarity" of this whole situation... our son was conceived naturally... our daughter we had to use IUI.

MuffinMomny · October 2015

Even if you were on the pill, it isn't 100%, definitely unfair of him to place all the blame on you. I hope things get better!

AdorkablePixie · October 2015

aamm04 said:

If you knew that your husband did not want another child, why were you not on BC? Did he know you were not on BC? Seems to me like you took his choice away and that's not cool.

Looks like you didn't read the previous posts, where she had already answered these questions..

jaqualls · October 2015

Sorry you are going through this. My husband is also being difficult. He doesnt want to talk about it and doesntunderstand that i need to. He was the same with the first and didnt come around until after her birth. I hope your husband is not as stubborn as mine and comes to realize you need his support

Par13 · October 2015

I hope you're able to talk about it sometime soon and really get to the root of his feelings. I'm guessing it's something a little deeper than having to wait 2 extra years to retire.

I agree with PPs that counseling would be a great idea if he's open to it. You always have the board here to talk/vent too!

amyfx · October 2015

Give him time, 6 years ago my father was diagnosed with aggressive thyroid cancer and a form of MS, when he found out my mother was pregnant with their fourth child he was totally against it, it was completely down to him being terrified, that they were bringing another child into the world and he was unable to work or provide for us. Shortly after my sister was born, he was told he had 6 weeks to live, long and behold 6 years later and he is still here, better than ever. He claims that our youngest sister is his angel, and she gave him the determination to live, they now have an unbreakable bond that nothing can compare to. Things will begin to look up xx

Alparsons · October 2015

@megmarissa - any updates? Praying for you and hoping that your husband will come around. I can only imagine how hard it must be with all of the emotions/hormones you have going on right now.

qtpi145 · October 2015

I'm sorry for what your going through

my husband wanted to have another and I wanted to wait but I found out I was preggo in August. I was surprised that my husband wasn't elated. In fact he looked down right terrified. He showed no enthusiasm for a week and then I had a bleed. I cried and he he continued to be distant. When I confronted him he said he would get excited after 12 weeks because he didn't want to get his hopes up which is pretty crappy since I didn't have a choice in the matter. Last week I had an US at 10 weeks and he saw the heartbeat thumping away and has been totally different ever since. Now he's talking to my belly and kissing it good bye before work. Men are strange! I did tell him at one point that if he didn't get on board I could do this alone which is nuts because besides this little hiccup we have an incredible marriage so I think that him hard. Good luck!

kami09 · October 2015

AdorkablePixie said:

aamm04 said:

If you knew that your husband did not want another child, why were you not on BC? Did he know you were not on BC? Seems to me like you took his choice away and that's not cool.

Looks like you didn't read the previous posts, where she had already answered these questions..

Honestly though, that explanation was a bit fishy. You were on it, he knew you were on it, but decided to get off because it made you sick. Once off, knowing that he doesn't want children, I would think there would be more planning for that not to happen. You obviously wanted more kids. The story just seems a bit off to me.

Htow89 · October 2015

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. My fiancé seems to have checked out as well. We are supposed to be getting married in January and knew we wanted to start a family right away. I decided that since my BFF and my older sister both had so much trouble getting pregnant that we should start trying and it took two cycles !! He just moved in with me to the house I just restored and brought his cats. Well I was the ones taking care of them and of course now I cant. He has only had them for a short time, he found them outside. I told him they need to go due to the smell from the litter (on top of the fact they are scratching my brand new trim and carpet at the top of my stairs) and the affect it can have if I am around it. He refuses and now states that since I've become pregnant I've becoming too emotional and controlling and he wants no part of any of it. He wasn't ready for it, refuses to find a new home for the cats and states he no longer wants to be with me. It is very hard knowing I'm 8wks pregnant and he is choosing cats over myself and his child.

AppleRidge · October 2015

Htow89 said:
He refuses and now states that since I've become pregnant I've becoming too emotional and controlling and he wants no part of any of it.

I hate to say it, but you sound a bit emotional and controlling over this cat thing.

Htow89 · October 2015

Unfortunately I cannot even sit in my own living room due to the scents from the cats and the cats are tearing up my walls by clawing when I just spent $50k remodeling my house. I didn't want the cats in the first place and it is my house. They aren't my cats yet I clean the litter feed them pay for the food etc. When pregnant you're not supposed to clean litter boxes it can lead to miscarriage and I've had 2 miscarriages in the past and don't want another.

mariaalene · October 2015

@Htow89 Get soft paws for the cats. Then they can't scratch. I have them on my cat. Or will he let them be indoor/outdoor cats? Then you don't need a litter box, they just let themselves out the car door

Htow89 · October 2015

@mariaalene We tried putting the cats outside and they started spraying the door one wouldn't even leave the porch she was so terrified. Don't get me wrong, I love animals I have two outside dogs and a stray cat that we feed. When they get mad they poop on the floor in the dining room, we aren't sure which one does it, but I can try the soft paws. The other issue is that the reason he doesn't take care of them is because he is highly allergic, and I fear the baby will be too. He can't sit on the couch without sneezing like crazy and eyes getting puffy because that's where they lay to look out the window.

Want a personalized experience?

Hubby doesn't want baby + intro

Re: Hubby doesn't want baby + intro

Choose Another Board

Search Boards