Cry it out

sarajanelle10 · September 2015

Not sure if there is a post about this but it's causing huge problems in my house. My husband wants me to allow my 13 week old daughter to cry when he believes nothing is wrong with her. He says I am "spoiling" her by holding her frequently . He also wants to let her cry herself to sleep. I won't do it I refuse. I can see how stressed and upset she gets and it's not worth it. I even told him I'll never leave her with him if he chooses to do this to her. I am hurt and upset he's being so cold.

ksimo6 · September 2015

Nope! Too young for CIA in my opinion. We didn't do any controlled sleep training with CIA for my daughter until after 6 months.

sarajanelle10 · September 2015

That's what I told him and it starts a huge argument

ksimo6 · September 2015

Crying is how she communicates right now. If she's crying, she needs something (I know you know this). .... And what she might need is comfort.

My son is 16 weeks and we are no where near letting him CIA.

Maybe have your husband talk to a doctor about crying it out and your child's age. He may take it to heart from someone else.

HayesRN13 · September 2015

Ugh I hate hearing this. Babies cry for a reason and you cannot spoil them. They need love and attention, and yes sometimes constantly...and they should NEVER have to cry it out.. Makes me mad, and heart hurt for babies that are forced to until they literally have nothing left so they pass out. Child abuse in my opinion. Babies have only ONE WAY of communicating and its crying. Your husband needs some education and I'm with you, in not leaving Lo with him... Tell him to do some research and educate himself.

I do believe there is a difference in whining for 5 minutes, I let my Lo do his tired whine for about 5 minutes.. But crying and completely upset... Please go to your baby.. Totally cruel

KaLikeAWind · September 2015

I agree with PP in having your husband discuss this with your pediatrician's office. Being held and feeling secure is a legitimate need that babies have at this time in their lives. Men have a hard time understanding this, I think. My DH will calm our LO and then go to put him down and LO will start crying all over again and DH gets frustrated with why he won't stop crying. And sometimes just the act of picking LO back up will quiet him. I really do think they (the husbands) don't understand this with babies because men aren't the type to cuddle to begin with, you know? I told my DH to imagine he has been abducted by aliens and he only knows that he is safe when he is with 1 of only 2 creatures among a whole world of scary objects and sounds and things that you don't know what they are... Sure, you're going to be brave and put on a good show of not showing these aliens you're scared, but at some point, you're going to want to lean into someone you trust and let loose your fear, tension, sadness, anxiety at being surrounded by so much that is so foreign to you.

Besides, it doesn't hurt anybody to hold a baby so it doesn't cry. Sure, he can't play Xbox if he's holding the kid so it doesn't cry, but you know what, bucko? Neither can I when I hold the kid. So get the eff over it.

Good luck with your DH.

becacote · September 2015

The more you allow them to cry, the more they will cry when they get older because they are creating nueropatways in the brain which is how things become habitual. It's best to give them what they need even if it seems like your constantly trying to soothe them. It will pay off later an they won't cry as much. I read this in a book or an online article. I can't remember where.

lovethatcolosun · September 2015

I had a friend start the CIO method too early IMO. Her poor baby would cry and cry. Broke my heart. Now as a toddler she has abundant insecurities that I feel are a result of this. She frequently cries and whines to get what she wants. I feel it has s direct impact on their ability to feel secure in themselves as they grow. It's a trust issue and IMO your baby is learning not to trust and rely on you for comfort when you start this too early. Trust your gut on this one. It's too early.

cbrtncanadian · September 2015

Yup cry it out isn't self soothing in my opinion... It's cry until they can't anymore because their throat hurts and they are out of tears and they've given up on the people they love and trust coming to get them and provide for them.

My husband also thought that holding the baby too much would spoil him - largely I think because his mother and family seem to feel the same way. I disagree a million times over.

Tell your DH to love on your baby, by holding and snuggling and bonding with that sweet little innocent being as long as they will let you and build a secure and trusting relationship because not having that healthy attachment is devastating for kids as they grow and develop!

When they are old enough to understand then you explain that independence is positive and they don't need to be held all the time to be safe.

I also said in this case I get the power of veto I carried this baby boy for 9months and spend 24/7 with him. I know him and his needs and therefore I get the decision making power at least until he is at least a year old. We will even out the power when he gets older and then we will try out some of your methods.

delujm0 · September 2015

My baby 411 book says the earliest you should CIO sleep train is 4 months. Before than they're really too young to even understand what you're doing.

Sometimes we have to let LO cry...the other day, dh had changed and fed her and she refused to sleep for hours and was just screaming. He had to shower for work so he stuck her in the crib, turned on the mobile, and got in the shower. When he got out she had put herself to sleep in there. He logged on and worked from home while she slept for an hour before bringing her to daycare.

In this instance though he knew she was crying bc she was overtired, and he knew he wasn't leaving her for more than 10 minutes. It's way too early to try this for night sleep now. She is 13 weeks and we'll probably wait at least 6 more weeks before attempting it for real.

jessieR358 · September 2015

Go read the CIO thread in July 15. My pediatrician told me yesterday 4 months is the youngest to start sleep training. The thought of CIO right now makes me physically hurt. I will let mine fuss and whine but not cry. My husband said we'll have to do it eventually but I said no. He's a softie and loves to cuddle LO so I can only imagine what he'd do if he really knew what CIO entailed.
I am reading the same information that CIO leads to insecurities in toddlers and older children as well.

sarajanelle10 · September 2015

Thank you everyone. I will get a little less sleep if that means rocking her for five more minutes I will put her in her wrap if it means she's happy. She's my precious little gift and she won't be little forever. I am so hurt that we fight over this and I literally cried myself to sleep thinking he's ok with her screaming like that. She falls asleep just fine laying next to me. I nurse her make sure she's burped and she's passed out. Sometimes I try to transition her in her crib. She's just so cuddly that's why I leave her with me.

HayesRN13 · September 2015

sarajanelle10 said:
Thank you everyone. I will get a little less sleep if that means rocking her for five more minutes I will put her in her wrap if it means she's happy. She's my precious little gift and she won't be little forever. I am so hurt that we fight over this and I literally cried myself to sleep thinking he's ok with her screaming like that. She falls asleep just fine laying next to me. I nurse her make sure she's burped and she's passed out. Sometimes I try to transition her in her crib. She's just so cuddly that's why I leave her with me.

It's a very short time they are this little and so dependent. Great job, you sound like an amazing mom. Keep it up and continue to trust your amazing mama instinct!

Sammy K · September 2015

I don't really have much more to add other than 4 months is the minimum age, meaning some babies won't be ready until 5 or 6 months. We did CIO with DS at the appropriate age and it worked great. Your LO is way too young to CIO. My LO is 14 weeks and we are not even close to CIO.

I do disagree that CIO leads to more crying in the future (when done correctly at the appropriate age). DS still sleeps like a champ and the only behavioral issues are normal to an almost 3 year old who is potty training. No insecurity or abandonment issues at all.

ChardeeMacDennis · September 2015

Adding one more vote that's pro- sleep training but anti- you training you baby at this time.

I have sleep trained 2 kids to help them each through a different sleep transitions. They're both well adjusted and great sleepers. I'm not trying to defend myself, just to let other moms know that this is a regular thing that regular people do, not just child abusers.

lindsladle15 · September 2015

I agree @ChardeeMacDennis , I think there definitely needs to be a line and some common sense/intuition involved. I've used the Baby Wise books with both my babies, and they are well-adjusted when sleeping and awake and have great schedules.
ETA: for the most part...they aren't perfect, and neither are their parents

HayesRN13 · September 2015

I never had to sleep train, I guess I'm lucky both my kids are great sleepers. But I do know if they weren't I would not be letting my infant "CIO" when they are not neurologically ready... They need comfort and security. It is not "normal" nor "regular", people doing this need to get educated. I'm sure there are people that do, but that doesn't make it right.. And certainly not normal

aliciaspinnet · September 2015

I think there's a difference in letting a baby fuss a little once they're old enough to learn how to self soothe compared to letting them cry until they've tired themselves out. Even now, if LO is just fussing a bit, I'll leave him for a minute or two. Sometimes he goes back to sleep, sometimes he gets more distressed- then I go to him.

shalana11 · September 2015

I also don't agree with CIO but have taken a gentler approach to get LO to fall asleep on his own. We put him down (awake but drowsy) and if he starts to cry we give him a few minutes then go pick him up and cuddle/rock him until he relaxes. Then we put him down again. Rinse and repeat until he falls asleep. If he doesn't sleep within the hr we go for a car ride. A sleep consultant gave me this advice and after 3 days he was a different baby. People often resort to CIO because their babies don't know how to fall asleep on their own.

HayesRN13 · September 2015

Hmm this thread needs to go away.. Starting now..... I hate even reading the title...and well, it needs to die, I'll leave it at that :-q

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