@momotheflyinglemur lol my mom told me to mind my own business. My MIL wants my input on hers. I'm sure I'll be asked some stuff by my mom and aunt though. Just when my aunt on my dad's side talked about a diaper raffle, I was in unfamiliar waters. I'm not big on baby shower games and so on, so I needed some info. I agree with your sentiments though. People usually do what they can in these situations, because they want to help and participate. I get the whole some ppl can't participate thing, but I don't think families and hosts should not do something they think is fun or cute for the mtb, because some people can't or won't do it. I think that's just selfish on the part of the ppl in their feelings. It's about baby and the ptb. Unless the ppl are ungrateful horrors, I'm sure they would appreciate the efforts.
Yes, those pesky selfish guests already bringing you a gift. How dare they feel put upon for having to bring an additional gift.
This whole "etiquette regulars" thing is making me laugh. So if you don't follow standard etiquette, does that make you a "no etiquette regular"? Couldn't this be said about anyone with a consistent opinion about something? No one goes trolling for these posts, they just come up when we (general we) are scanning the boards.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
@momotheflyinglemur lol my mom told me to mind my own business. My MIL wants my input on hers. I'm sure I'll be asked some stuff by my mom and aunt though. Just when my aunt on my dad's side talked about a diaper raffle, I was in unfamiliar waters. I'm not big on baby shower games and so on, so I needed some info. I agree with your sentiments though. People usually do what they can in these situations, because they want to help and participate. I get the whole some ppl can't participate thing, but I don't think families and hosts should not do something they think is fun or cute for the mtb, because some people can't or won't do it. I think that's just selfish on the part of the ppl in their feelings. It's about baby and the ptb. Unless the ppl are ungrateful horrors, I'm sure they would appreciate the efforts.
Yes, those pesky selfish guests already bringing you a gift. How dare they feel put upon for having to bring an additional gift.
They do not have to bring an extra gift. That's what the word "optional" means.
Regarding the extra gift requests, I understand that the intentions behind it are well meaning and good. I understand that if people don't want to participate, they don't have to.
But what about those people that do want to and can't because it's not in their budget? Or they have a specific gift in mind that they are really excited to purchase for the MTB but the book/pack of diapers puts them over their budget? It's never a good feeling to want to do something nice for someone but can't afford it, especially when you walk into the event and you can see that a good majority of people have participated in it.
It's happened to me before when DH and I were going through very rough financial times (which was our own problem). Books are always a part of my gift because I'm a big reader so when it's requested, I feel like part of my gift doesn't count because it's now seen as an 'add on'. And I'm left pondering if I should buy an additional gift that I really can't afford.
I'm just from the mindset that people will gift what they want to gift and what they can afford. Just putting the suggestion out there, even if they don't have to participate, can put some people in an awkward position.
Of course, the MTB can't control everyone's situation nor will she have all the details of her guests' lives. That's why I feel it's best to err on the side of caution when it comes to the extras.
A shower in itself is a gift and a gift giving event. I just don't see the need to request additional items on top of what people may already be bringing.
As a somewhat lurker from Nov15 on this thread (getting opinions for a similar situation as OP) can I honestly say that I appreciate this as a great example of someone dissenting while being respectful and adding new thoughts to the conversation. I'm not nearly as personally opposed to extras as the PP, but this gave me a perspective to consider. Yea for helpful posts from all "sides" of the issue.
Edit: Because coherent sentences are not happening this morning...
Then again nothing is mandatory. I think alot of your uncertainties just come from over thinking it. If someone can't afford to do one thing over the other its not like they will be called out or less loved. DEFINITELY not less loved! Guests are there to support and congratulate, nothing else. The gifts are given out of the goodness of their hearts and that is it!
Then again nothing is mandatory. I think alot of your uncertainties just come from over thinking it. If someone can't afford to do one thing over the other its not like they will be called out or less loved. DEFINITELY not less loved! Guests are there to support and congratulate, nothing else. The gifts are given out of the goodness of their hearts and that is it!
Of course, and I know that this is the bottom line above all else.
It just sucked, as the gift giver at the moment, to see others being able to participate when I couldn't. I knew that the MTB wouldn't really care and would never call me out on it. I was just in a bad place then and it unintentionally rubbed salt in the wound.
Again, not the MTBs' problem but it was awkward for me.
Not getting into the etiquette squabble, but saw a cute idea on Pinterest that includes EVERYONE at the shower while still focusing on a single type of gift. A gift bag with prize starts at one spot in the circle or table of guests. On it is a tag that says "every time mom opens a gift that contains ______ (ie diapers) this prize is passed two people to the right!" Whoever ends up with it at the end wins.
Bottom line to me is: You can't have it both ways. Don't tell someone that she has no say in a baby shower and that it is a gift to her and that it's all up to the hostess and then say that she is tacky for whatever goes on at her shower.
OP is apparently being told to "make sure" her shower has a raffle. I'd say that means she has some input...
So I have read everything. And like most baby shower threads this one has derailed as well. OP had a question, it was answered (in many ways), she politely accepted and even said thank you for all the responses, and had even expressed understanding in the different opinions. Not every response is directed at OP anymore. So many people have had their say and there are different discussions/ disagreements occurring between different members, it's no longer about the OP. I agree with what @redfallon has been saying. Why would anyone side eye or talk behind the MTB's back because her shower had a diaper/book raffle, when the MTB isn't even supposed to be involved in the planning or have any say whatsoever the shower? The etiquette police are saying that the MTB will be judged and so on for something she is to have no part in planning. Bottom line is you can't please everyone. Either someone will be offended that they are given the OPTION to participate in a raffle, or feel bad they can't afford to but want to, or people will be upset that they wanted to participate but it wasn't even a thing because of all the damn "what ifs". I mean everyone is saying what if someone feels this way or that way... well what if no one really cares? What if no one side eyes or feels obligated, or offended? I mean when a coworker has a family tragedy and someone else starts a collection. I don't side eye or judge the coworker who the donation is going to. And yes there have been times where I didn't have any money to put in and I felt bad. But just because I didn't (I'm sure I wasn't the only one) didn't stop them from still taking up the collection. I still signed the card and gave them well wishes. The reason is because they wanted to do something nice for someone who needed it. Same principle here. Just because there may be one or 2 people who feel awkward or unable to participate it shouldn't stop the hostess from throwing a shower with whatever raffle or game she feels will be helpful to the MTB. And NO ONE should be judging the MTB especially if she is not the one planning the shower.
So I have read everything. And like most baby shower threads this one has derailed as well. OP had a question, it was answered (in many ways), she politely accepted and even said thank you for all the responses, and had even expressed understanding in the different opinions.
Not every response is directed at OP anymore. So many people have had their say and there are different discussions/ disagreements occurring between different members, it's no longer about the OP.
I agree with what @redfallon has been saying. Why would anyone side eye or talk behind the MTB's back because her shower had a diaper/book raffle, when the MTB isn't even supposed to be involved in the planning or have any say whatsoever the shower?
The etiquette police are saying that the MTB will be judged and so on for something she is to have no part in planning.
Bottom line is you can't please everyone. Either someone will be offended that they are given the OPTION to participate in a raffle, or feel bad they can't afford to but want to, or people will be upset that they wanted to participate but it wasn't even a thing because of all the damn "what ifs". I mean everyone is saying what if someone feels this way or that way... well what if no one really cares? What if no one side eyes or feels obligated, or offended?
I mean when a coworker has a family tragedy and someone else starts a collection. I don't side eye or judge the coworker who the donation is going to. And yes there have been times where I didn't have any money to put in and I felt bad. But just because I didn't (I'm sure I wasn't the only one) didn't stop them from still taking up the collection. I still signed the card and gave them well wishes. The reason is because they wanted to do something nice for someone who needed it. Same principle here. Just because there may be one or 2 people who feel awkward or unable to participate it shouldn't stop the hostess from throwing a shower with whatever raffle or game she feels will be helpful to the MTB. And NO ONE should be judging the MTB especially if she is not the one planning the shower.
1) Are you really comparing a collection for a family in need due to a tragedy to a baby shower? They are apples and oranges.
2) In this case, as are many others who post about the details of their showers, the MTB are involved or have been asked for their input by their hosts. If that is the case, I see no reason why the MTB can't voice her opinion if she is uncomfortable or uncertain about something that her host is planning. If her host doesn't agree or wants to move forward with what she has planned, the MTB still has the option of either accepting it as it is or declining the shower.
3) I find it kind of funny and ironic that the posts about the 'etiquette regulars' and 'etiquette police' are used in a negative manner yet the very title of this post is 'Etiquette Question.' Seems like it's certainly the time and place for the regulars to show up.
4) I actually like the idea of having a raffle where everyone is involved in some way so that the request of an additional gift isn't required. Someone mentioned having a prize at each table, it rotates during the gift opening, and the person who has it at the end wins it. That seems like something fun that could involve everyone.
5) I think whenever anyone throws a party, there should be some consideration for the guests. Of course, you can't please everyone but making the decision to not suggest that people purchase additional gifts is probably more welcome. Like I said, I understand the intent behind it but it still doesn't sit well.
So I have read everything. And like most baby shower threads this one has derailed as well. OP had a question, it was answered (in many ways), she politely accepted and even said thank you for all the responses, and had even expressed understanding in the different opinions.
Not every response is directed at OP anymore. So many people have had their say and there are different discussions/ disagreements occurring between different members, it's no longer about the OP.
I agree with what @redfallon has been saying. Why would anyone side eye or talk behind the MTB's back because her shower had a diaper/book raffle, when the MTB isn't even supposed to be involved in the planning or have any say whatsoever the shower?
The etiquette police are saying that the MTB will be judged and so on for something she is to have no part in planning.
Bottom line is you can't please everyone. Either someone will be offended that they are given the OPTION to participate in a raffle, or feel bad they can't afford to but want to, or people will be upset that they wanted to participate but it wasn't even a thing because of all the damn "what ifs". I mean everyone is saying what if someone feels this way or that way... well what if no one really cares? What if no one side eyes or feels obligated, or offended?
I mean when a coworker has a family tragedy and someone else starts a collection. I don't side eye or judge the coworker who the donation is going to. And yes there have been times where I didn't have any money to put in and I felt bad. But just because I didn't (I'm sure I wasn't the only one) didn't stop them from still taking up the collection. I still signed the card and gave them well wishes. The reason is because they wanted to do something nice for someone who needed it. Same principle here. Just because there may be one or 2 people who feel awkward or unable to participate it shouldn't stop the hostess from throwing a shower with whatever raffle or game she feels will be helpful to the MTB. And NO ONE should be judging the MTB especially if she is not the one planning the shower.
You're assuming the MTB wasn't involved. It seems more and more these days that this is not the case. Speaking as an overall observation, not necessarily the OP's situation.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
Bottom line to me is: You can't have it both ways. Don't tell someone that she has no say in a baby shower and that it is a gift to her and that it's all up to the hostess and then say that she is tacky for whatever goes on at her shower.
OP is apparently being told to "make sure" her shower has a raffle. I'd say that means she has some input...
I wasn't referring to this one in particular. It was a general consensus that seems to go around here regarding these.
So I have read everything. And like most baby shower threads this one has derailed as well. OP had a question, it was answered (in many ways), she politely accepted and even said thank you for all the responses, and had even expressed understanding in the different opinions.
Not every response is directed at OP anymore. So many people have had their say and there are different discussions/ disagreements occurring between different members, it's no longer about the OP.
I agree with what @redfallon has been saying. Why would anyone side eye or talk behind the MTB's back because her shower had a diaper/book raffle, when the MTB isn't even supposed to be involved in the planning or have any say whatsoever the shower?
The etiquette police are saying that the MTB will be judged and so on for something she is to have no part in planning.
Bottom line is you can't please everyone. Either someone will be offended that they are given the OPTION to participate in a raffle, or feel bad they can't afford to but want to, or people will be upset that they wanted to participate but it wasn't even a thing because of all the damn "what ifs". I mean everyone is saying what if someone feels this way or that way... well what if no one really cares? What if no one side eyes or feels obligated, or offended?
I mean when a coworker has a family tragedy and someone else starts a collection. I don't side eye or judge the coworker who the donation is going to. And yes there have been times where I didn't have any money to put in and I felt bad. But just because I didn't (I'm sure I wasn't the only one) didn't stop them from still taking up the collection. I still signed the card and gave them well wishes. The reason is because they wanted to do something nice for someone who needed it. Same principle here. Just because there may be one or 2 people who feel awkward or unable to participate it shouldn't stop the hostess from throwing a shower with whatever raffle or game she feels will be helpful to the MTB. And NO ONE should be judging the MTB especially if she is not the one planning the shower.
You're assuming the MTB wasn't involved. It seems more and more these days that this is not the case. Speaking as an overall observation, not necessarily the OP's situation.
Point is, most of the baby shower etiquette line drawers say that the MTB should have no part in planning the shower, but then the MTB is going to be talked about if there is a diaper raffle or some sort that isn't following etiquette. It's a general observation, also, and not specific to OP.
@ChiccoBeanz take what you need from here and discard the rest. I think there have been some good ideas/advice given and of course some of the same old etiquette do's and don'ts thrown in. It wouldn't be a baby shower thread without it. I'm pretty confident that you've got this all under control girl.
@ChiccoBeanz if there's a silver lining your thread has brought me entertainment lol! Honestly it's 2015 and it's now traditional to not be traditional!
Plus where's all the fun in tradition
I say do whatever YOU feel comfortable doing, other than that who the hell cares it's not their shower!
Chin up mama!
Edited: only posted half the comment
This whole "etiquette regulars" thing is making me laugh. So if you don't follow standard etiquette, does that make you a "no etiquette regular"? Couldn't this be said about anyone with a consistent opinion about something? No one goes trolling for these posts, they just come up when we (general we) are scanning the boards.
The thing is, I happen to know for a fact there are a few people on TB who DO go trolling for these posts. In fact, a certain someone has been banned at least once, maybe even twice, for doing exactly that and has since made a new account to continue to do so. She knows who she is, we know who she is, and it's a matter of time before she gets banned again.
So just because YOU don't go trolling for posts like this one, doesn't mean there isn't anyone else who does.
- Wow, I stepped away for a bit and the ish show kept going lol. This is very amusing @dec15mum.
- I appreciate you sharing your personal experience @mycousinvinny. It was helpful in understanding your opinions and brought up some thoughts and ideas that may not have crossed anyones mind during planning.
- @urby87 I had been asking family about tips for putting together a registry and an aunt (paternal) insisted on my having a diaper raffle. I am actually NOT included in the planning of my shower which is being thrown by my mother and Godmother/aunt (maternal), and I had posted the question so that I could make sure to let my mom know my thoughts on a possible diaper raffle as I didn't want to offend anyone. I do run my thoughts by her, but I was told to mind my own business and it will be a surprise, so your guess was incorrect. You could have just asked me rather than assume.
- @fineplacentapie yes there are trolls. You may not be one, but @fmraglio is correct. It's actually ridiculous how the same people constantly are on the same specialty threads even when they are not posted on the specialty board. It's not because it "appears" on their feeds either. We know how the site works. They used the search function and usually don't use the same etiquette that they tell other to use when they give them feed back on posts. It is what it is, and we can all agree to disagree on that though.
As for this post, again, thank you all. I got a lot of good feed back that varied. I did have the chance to run this info by my mom and I expressed my concerns of possibly doing things at my shower that may come across as my husband and I are greedy and inconsiderate of our guests. She told me not to worry, that she and my aunt will handle it and for me to just worry about my registry, and that the shower is her concern and for me to mind my own business and just be surprised and happy. So there ya go. Lol the beginning and end of my input. I'm going to go and participate on some other threads now, while simultaneously looking up stuff for my registry. You ladies have a great night and thanks again!
My apologies, @Chiccobeanz, as I have now seen your update where you shared that you were told to mind your own business. Your original post made it sound as though you were more involved than that.
My apologies, @Chiccobeanz, as I have now seen your update where you shared that you were told to mind your own business. Your original post made it sound as though you were more involved than that.
Re: Etiquette Question
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
Jamie
A gift bag with prize starts at one spot in the circle or table of guests. On it is a tag that says "every time mom opens a gift that contains ______ (ie diapers) this prize is passed two people to the right!" Whoever ends up with it at the end wins.
Not every response is directed at OP anymore. So many people have had their say and there are different discussions/ disagreements occurring between different members, it's no longer about the OP.
I agree with what @redfallon has been saying. Why would anyone side eye or talk behind the MTB's back because her shower had a diaper/book raffle, when the MTB isn't even supposed to be involved in the planning or have any say whatsoever the shower?
The etiquette police are saying that the MTB will be judged and so on for something she is to have no part in planning.
Bottom line is you can't please everyone. Either someone will be offended that they are given the OPTION to participate in a raffle, or feel bad they can't afford to but want to, or people will be upset that they wanted to participate but it wasn't even a thing because of all the damn "what ifs". I mean everyone is saying what if someone feels this way or that way... well what if no one really cares? What if no one side eyes or feels obligated, or offended?
I mean when a coworker has a family tragedy and someone else starts a collection. I don't side eye or judge the coworker who the donation is going to. And yes there have been times where I didn't have any money to put in and I felt bad. But just because I didn't (I'm sure I wasn't the only one) didn't stop them from still taking up the collection. I still signed the card and gave them well wishes. The reason is because they wanted to do something nice for someone who needed it. Same principle here. Just because there may be one or 2 people who feel awkward or unable to participate it shouldn't stop the hostess from throwing a shower with whatever raffle or game she feels will be helpful to the MTB. And NO ONE should be judging the MTB especially if she is not the one planning the shower.
I lurk. I snark. I offer sound advice if you're not BSC. You may not like me. I'm okay with it.
Jamie
Jamie
So just because YOU don't go trolling for posts like this one, doesn't mean there isn't anyone else who does.
*For clarity