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May 2016 Moms
yogahh
member
Nervous to tell my mom :(
yogahh
member
My mom and I are meeting in Chicago this weekend for a girls weekend. We don't live in the same city, and we try to do this once a year just to meet up. I am VERY nervous not only for the meeting, but also to tell her we are PG. Just need a place to vent, and of course would appreciate any suggestions you might have!
For the past year since I got engaged things with my mom have been really bad. She doesn't like DH and he doesn't like her. Instead of putting her feelings to the side in the months leading up to my wedding, she used every chance she could to put him down, to threaten me that she isn't coming, to ask if she can wear black, to tell me she is praying I change my mind, etc. Even the 1st time I saw her after getting engaged it took her 30 minutes to ask to see my ring. She just wasn't there for me at all. She wont like a pic of DH and I on FB, but she will post about how she was MOTB dress shopping or anything else so her friends could like that she was "MOTB of the year".
Two days before my wedding, she gave DH and I the ultimatum that she wasn't going to come to the wedding unless we all talked 1st. He didn't want to, but did so for me, and pretty much took full blame for their issues and apologized multiple times, just to clear the air and start fresh. She wasn't having it, and continued to tell him what a horrible person he was. Tried to throw me under the bus. Basically, I think she was trying to get us so upset that we would cancel.
The day before the wedding, she took advantage of the all inclusive resort we were staring at to get WASTED and missed dinner with us. She embarrassed herself in front my my FIL, and worse, embarrassed me.
The day of the wedding, she asked me if she could object (I had already taken that out of the ceremony figuring she would try something!). Also, we have a very small wedding- only our parents in attendance. I asked her if she would bring the rings up. Back story; for Christmas she had given me my great aunts rings. They are too small and didn't match my engagement ring. I thanked her but told her I wouldn't be using them. So when she came up to the alter, she gave us the rings, looked at me and said " I was going to tell you I dropped them in the sand". YUP, said that DURING my wedding. Afterwards, she asked me if I pawned my aunts rings to pay for my new ones.
Since the wedding things have been tense. We barely speak. We were starting to get better when she decided to throw another fit. Bottom line, I think she is depressed (no family, not a lot of friends, she is retired and not much to do), and is playing the victim card for sympathy. When I try to tell her why I am upset she just says "It is not my fault". She still hasn't apologized except for to say she is sorry that I am upset over "jokes" she has made.
So, needless to say, I am worried about how she is going to react to the news. She either is going to be so happy to be having a grandchild, or horribly miserable. Years ago I gave my grandma (her mom) a bear with an apron embroidered "greatest grandma". When she died and they cleaned out her things, my mom gave it back to me. I am using that bear to announce to her my pregnancy. I think she will appreciate the meaning.
Does anyone else have family that will not be excited, or that you are scared to tell? You would think I was 15, being scared to tell my mom. I am a 34 year old woman who is confident in my relation with DH, and planned on having a family. I shouldn't be scared to tell her, or anyone else. I have been close to severing ties with her over the past year, and this might be my deciding factor. If she throws a fit, or getting shitty, I think I need to walk away.
**on the flip side I cannot wait to tell his parents!! His mom is going to be over the moon. I cant wait!!
Re: Nervous to tell my mom :(
I'm nervous to tell my dad but that's because I'm his little girl, not because he's going to be mad at me (maybe DH lol).
I know my whole family is going to be judgmental and think we are crazy. I just don't want to hear it.
The only advice I have for you is what I keep telling myself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, we are so happy about this baby and that's all that matters. In the end, it's just me and DH in this together, and his opinion is the only one I really care about.
Our situations are different, and it sounds like your mom has done some pretty crummy things to show her dislike of your H, but I just wanted to encourage you that it's possible to find something that works.
It might help to assure your mom that she'll have access to her grandkids. I hope everything works out ok and she's willing to put the past behind her so you don't have to make any tough choices about your relationship.
My in laws will not be too happy. For one, it's another grandbaby that they won't be able to see as often as they would like. For two, I'm delivering while I will be living with my parents, so the jealousy will be immensely stressful. For three, I don't think that they're going to be happy that i'm doing this pregnancy solo while DH is overseas, and will be possibly delivering alone as well....I just see my in laws with more worry and questions, than happiness. Oh well....they'll get over it
I think that's your answer right there. You can't control how she's going to react, but you can control how YOU react to her. This is a beautiful thing that's happening to you, as was your wedding. I really hope she manages to find some happiness in your news, for your sake and for hers as well. I'm sorry you're going through that
BFP #1: 9/12/2015
DD: 6/1/2016
BFP #2: 1/16/2018 MC 2/2/2018
I might even tell her that if she wants to see her grandchild, she needs to respect and accept your DH, because no child should hear bad (especially untrue) things about their father. But that's just me.
It was the best decision that I had ever made. I focused on my own family and didnt have to deal with the stress of having my mom around hating on everything. After a couple of years, I spoke to her again and we talk and the kids visit. Now we have boundaries and it's much better. We'll never have that close relationship that we once used to have and I am totally okay with that now.
You gotta do what's right for you and your DH. Hopefully, it all works out for you.
2010: Infertility
October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
I've been working out my own reaction to my MIL'S potential reaction. When her own daughter announced she reacted poorly and moments into the conversation she let her daughter know she would support an abortion. Even at the baby shower she announced that she still wasn't excited and was waiting to see what happens...
I don't pretend to understand her or the family dynamic. But my DH and I were trying for a year and are excited. This pregnancy has been incredibly difficult for me so far as I have Multiple Sclerosis and can't take any of my usual meds. My pregnancy dreams consist of me telling them off and crying about how hard it has been so far when we tell them.
I'm just trying to remember ultimately it doesn't matter how she reacts. Also I suggested to my DH to pre-warn his mom so she can have her negative reaction away from me.
I take solace in knowing that I get final say -and I say if you can't be nice to me you don't get to come into my home and play with your grandchildren.
Anyway, take my advice because I'm not using it.....
How are you with setting boundaries with her? There's a good book called "Boundaries" by Dr Cloud that can help you out.
I know for me, boundaries work best when I think of them as boundaries I am setting with myself, rather than on the other person. So instead of "you need to do this or else!", I know what I will and will not accept. If they do something I won't accept, I do what is best for me in that situation, rather than try to "punish" the person.
DS: 9/18/12 - 40w5d // DD: 05/17/16 - 40w
BFP #1: 9/12/2015
DD: 6/1/2016
BFP #2: 1/16/2018 MC 2/2/2018
DS: Born 5-17-16
edited because gifs are still hard
I don't know when or how we are going to tell my MIL. At this point I think she is going to end up finding out through the Facebook grapevine halfway through the pregnancy. I care and I don't care. It isn't how I was raised but we have had a really hard time trying to recover from some of the damage she caused. I have to look out for my family (DH, me, Ds and future kiddos) first, you know?
Make a pregnancy ticker
On the plus side my fiancée and his family are over the moon! SIL is having a baby a few weeks before me so I have a good support system going on now.. I just hope my family will come around one day
Very sad.
My mother and I have a toxic relationship and it took me a long long time but I chose to walk away. It's hard but it's what is best for me and my family. I wish it were different but it's not.
I will say, I have learned what I will not do with my children and their emotions and with our daughters in law (if and when the time comes
Best of luck with the meeting - I hope she receives YOUR news well.
But it's my dad I don't want to tell
He doesn't even know I'm married yet lol