Need advice: TTC appointment with the doc (vent)

Pupatella · September 2015

Hey,

How many of you guys have already done this?

My FI and I just had ours,and I love this OB/GYN, feel completely comfortable with her, and trust her.

My FI just met her for the first time, and had a different experience with her. She is really direct and blunt (which is one of the reasons I really love this doc!). But she ended up offending my FI. My FI asked her if there was anything we could do to increase our chances to conceive, and she responded to just "have sex, stop stressing, and see what happens". She further explained that some couples get pregnant right away, and others it can take awhile. She said that if we don't get pregnant in the first 6-9 months, then to come back and see her and we can start testing to see if we have any issues. My FI was pissed off that she wasn't testing us immediately for problems. She explained that it is not necessary to test unless you have problems getting pregnant, but my FI was furious.

My FI was venting about this for the entire day after our appointment, and he said he doesn't like her at all. He said he was expecting to leave with a plan on how to get pregnant, and we didn't get that because she only told us to have sex. I personally don't understand what he wanted to hear, but I didn't find her answer ridiculous.

She also made sure I was taking prenatals (I am), discussed when I would stop my BCP by asking how regular my periods were without BCP, and was talking to me about the stress of my job and telling me that this probably isn't the best job for me (I agree with her). She also had the nurse draw blood to do genetic testing (I'm Jewish).

But at this point, my FI had already written her off.

Have any of you guys experienced this? I don't know what to do. My FI said he'll still go with me to all appointments but he is done talking to her or asking her any questions.

I almost feel like I need to find a different OB/GYN that my FI likes, but this OB/GYN has been named one of the best in our area 7 years in a row, and I honestly don't want to find someone else.

I'm hoping he'll calm down after a few days, and realize that he is overreacting. But I also know that if we don't get pregnant immediately, then he is going to stress and probably fly off the handle about it because "she didn't give us a plan". This is stressing me out, and putting a lot of pressure on me.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated....

MrsRo731 · September 2015

Hi! Sorry you're going through this - I'm sure it's adding unnecessary stress! I think your FI is being a little dramatic; your OB's response was very standard. I have a feeling even if you see other OBs you'll get a similar response. There is never a 'set plan' to get pregnant so it's very normal that she would recommend to try for 6-9 months and see what happens. Honestly, I've heard the norm is up to 1 year for a healthy couple to get pregnant. Now if you've experienced losses or infertility, that's a different story. Maybe you should sit down with FI and see what his expectations are and reel him in a little bit. GL!

Chichigo · September 2015

Maybe he didn't understand the purpose of the visit.

Pupatella · September 2015

Thanks for your replies!! I spoke to him again tonight about it. He's willing to see her again, but is wanting to get more thorough answers. I'm just hoping he gets whatever he needs to move on and like this doctor. I feel so comfortable with her.

We won't have another appointment until we are either pregnant, or we are having problems getting pregnant. Hopefully he can will truly give her a second chance...

bmo88 · September 2015

It seems like he is overwhelmed with the whole idea of TTC and may be an intense planner. That's all fine and dandy, but that doesn't mean you have to disrupt your established relationship with a trusted doctor you are comfortable with right now.

Honestly, I think it would be unnecessary to switch doctors over this. I would suggest trying to talk with your FI in a few days once he calms down. If that doesn't change his mind, maybe visit another doctor and let him see for himself the answers your doc gave are very common.

Lysta85 · September 2015

You can also let him do some reading on the topic (i don't know if he already did). Then he'll also find out after "researching" for himself the answer from your doctor is standard. And for the testing part; she already did some "test". Asking you if you are taking prenatals, talking about BCP and stress is still to prevent the first issues with TTC.

Maybe ask him what if it would be standard to test everybody before TTC and hopefully it would turn out everything in you and him is working like it should be, what would he expect? Then there is still no guarantee you'll get pregnant in the first couple of months.

Edit: I don't know how forgivable he is, but after he calmed down and realizing the doctor didn't say anything wrong just see how the next appointment goes. When you think it's uncomfortable you can always consider someone else.

Xstatic3333 · September 2015

I would also not leave your doctor over this. I think it's much more important for YOU to be comfortable with her. It's nice that your FI is excited, but all the advice she gave sounds proper. Maybe he would like to read TCOYF or learn about chatting if he wants to feel proactive.

als1982 · September 2015

Your vagina your call. I also think it's a little strange that he went with you to the OBGYN. Aside from the genetic testing, as long as you're otherwise healthy, there isn't any reason to do any other testing. I guess he could have a sperm analysis done, since that's likely the first testing that would be recommended should you not be able to get pregnant in the first 6 months or a year (depending on age). And frankly, I don't even think pre-conception appointments are necessary. Is he this controlling and irrational in other areas of your life?

gabpepsi · September 2015

I agree with @Xstatic3333 that if your FI is looking for information, there are great resources that he can look into to help him feel like he has a plan that are not tied to your OB. Maybe he should read TCOYF or What To Expect for Dads (I think that's a thing?)

It sounds like he was hungry for information and guidance... Talking him through how at this point, that may not be the appropriate expectation for your OB but that you can investigate together may be a better balance and take some pressure off of you.

lovearoo · September 2015

als1982 said:
Your vagina your call. I also think it's a little strange that he went with you to the OBGYN. Aside from the genetic testing, as long as you're otherwise healthy, there isn't any reason to do any other testing. I guess he could have a sperm analysis done, since that's likely the first testing that would be recommended should you not be able to get pregnant in the first 6 months or a year (depending on age). And frankly, I don't even think pre-conception appointments are necessary. Is he this controlling and irrational in other areas of your life?

This. These were exactly my thoughts as well.... Why is he going with you to your ob?? That's kinda weird/controlling. Why is he angry you weren't given a "plan"?? You have lots of sex, you can chart your temps, check CM, and use fertility friend... That's all you can do right now. She did absolutely everything right. There is NO reason whatsoever to be upset with your doc or need more testing, etc unless it's already established one of you has some sort of fertility issue already. It takes a healthy, normal couple up to a year to conceive. If you're over 35 then up to 6 months. Then and ONLY then can you start freaking out about possible issues conceiving and getting testing done.
I have to say, he sounds disturbingly angry and controlling. I'm not feeling a good vibe here. Especially since an ex of mine used to be the same way so I'm well acquainted with the signs. Of course I'm also familiar with the desire to deny and hide what's going on too, so I doubt you would tell us if he was that type of guy...
It's YOUR vagina and uterus, it's about who YOU like and trust, NOT your Fl. You will be the one giving birth. It's not about him right now. You should absolutely not switch just because he's being intolerable and pushy with your Ob. (Especially since she did everything right!)

AL_TwinCities · September 2015

Give him Taking Charge of your Fertility if he wants to learn more. And watch The Great Sperm Race. Bam, everything you need to know to get started.

ska8471 · September 2015

Pretty standard Dr. response at a pre-conception appointment. My dr. didn't ask much further than family history, ensuring I was taking prenatals, up to date with vaccines, and my did routine pap/breast exam. It's not their job to teach him how to make a baby so I feel he's overreacting.

I think his expectations at this point were a little high in terms of advice from the doctor on how to make things happen. As other PP have mentioned, there are things you can do to help you along in TTC (reading TCOYF and charting, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, etc.). They don't waste time/money on testing upfront as it's unnecessary so for him to expect all this testing (beyond a pap and maybe a blood test) is a little intense. If there are no major genetic issues on either side, they won't test anything. If he's truly concerned, he can ask his own doctor about things he can be doing or maybe go for a sperm analysis to ease his worries.

A healthy couple can take up to a year to conceive so the fact that she said "come back in 6-8 months of trying" is very generous (unless you're over 35, then they look into options after only 6 months).

I agree with some other posters who said it sounds like he is stressed or maybe putting a lot of pressure on himself. Perhaps some extra reading on conception/pregnancy, watching the Great Sperm race and/or having him being in tune with charting (if you're doing it) will help him feel more comfortable/like he has a role. A little education might ease his mind.

I think just talking it out and seeing if there's something deeper going on in his mind might help. Sometimes our men put a lot of pressure on themselves when TTC. Just be open and honest and learn about conception together. Communication is the key; if you love this doctor then stick with her and try to help DH see how comfortable you feel with her. He doesn't have to LOVE her, but he should understand that she meets your needs and that's important.

MrsFL2015 · September 2015

I think your Fi is overreacting a bit. There are processes in the medical world for people getting tested for fertility problems, and I'm guessing one of them is trying to actively get pregnant for 6-12 months without success. I'm guessing the OBGYN noted your appointment in your chart. If issues occur in 6-12 months, then she had a medical reason to send you for testing. If you've just started TTC and you ask this question, then the doctor has no basis to assume there are problems or testing needs to be done.

I think the doctor was just telling him (in a blunt way) to let natural try to take it's course first. Think of it this way, would you walk into your primary and demand a test based on health issues you're not sure you have? Often times, insurance companies won't even cover testing for conditions unless the doctor raises concerns and justifies a reason.

PrimRoseMama · September 2015

Team OB.

She wasn't insulting his virility or ability to knock you up. Home-slice needs to have a snickers & chill out.

Pupatella · September 2015

Thank you to everyone for your advice!!

Yes I totally agree that he was overreacting over this!! No, this is not normal behavior for him at all, which is why it really threw me. He's normally a laid back go with the flow guy, and this reaction was not typical for him at all. I do agree though, that if this was his normal behavior, I would not be with him.

As for why he went with me to the OB/GYN, the simple and honest answer, is that he asked if he could go. I thought it was really sweet that he wanted to be involved so I told him sure. He took off the entire day from work, and made a list of questions. It was really cute.

And okay, so after talking with him further, I learned that he has completely no idea how a women's cycle works. I honestly had no clue that he didn't know this (he said he took sex ed but didn't pay attention to that part of it). He was expecting all of this information from the doc, and said he thought we were going to get a brochure or something that explained everything. I sat him down and discussed how everything works (he told me he feels better that at least I know all of this stuff), and I also suggested a few books for him to read (TCOYF & what to expect before you're expecting). I've already seen him googling a lot of stuff.

He's definitely calmed down over the past few days, so we'll just see how the next appointment goes.

gabpepsi · September 2015

@Pupatella Sounds like you had a great convo! The process can be super intimidating, but hopefully now with some resources he'll be more comfortable.

Lysta85 · September 2015

@Pupatella Sounds a lot better. I doubt my SO remembers all of the theory too, but in his case I don't think he cares. He's just glad that we don't need to to have sex three times a day when we start TTC (told him as a joke and first he believed it lol). But I think it sweet that your FI is gathering information.

Pupatella · September 2015

Thanks!!

Yea, it's definitely a lot better. I didn't realize that he didn't know the women's cycle stuff, and was expecting all of that information at the appointment.

I also told him to research my OB/GYN, as well as the hospital she's affiliated with. I think he feels a lot more comfortable with her, as well as the practice as a whole now.

He said that the reason he was so frustrated after the appointment, is that if she didn't provide information on how to TTC, he was fearful that she wouldn't properly inform us on what to expect throughout pregnancy, as well as what to expect in the delivery room. I understood his concerns, but also told him that the OB/GYN is typically not going to prep us for all of that stuff. I explained that she's there to make sure that everything is okay, that I'm healthy, the baby is healthy, etc. I also told him that as for prepping for the delivery room, that's what lamaze classes are for, etc. As for what to expect throughout pregnancy, everyone is different, and we can read books about what to expect, as well as ask her specific questions if we are having any issues.

I think he just had a complete different expectation of the doctor and her role in all of this, and was expecting to be handed a booklet of information to read.

I'm really glad that he wants to be so involved in all of this. It's scary for both of us. We are 33, and just crossing our fingers that it doesn't take us too long.

blackgirlmagic · September 2015

I'm happy that you all were able to talk things out but you both should watch the Great Sperm Race on YouTube. That will also explain the TTC process as well.

HookEmNelson · September 2015

raesmith9 said:
I'm happy that you all were able to talk things out but you both should watch the Great Sperm Race on YouTube. That will also explain the TTC process as well.

Yes. Yes. Yes. This documentary is for everyone.

Hulabalu · September 2015

HookEmNelson said:

I'm happy that you all were able to talk things out but you both should watch the Great Sperm Race on YouTube. That will also explain the TTC process as well.
Yes. Yes. Yes. This documentary is for everyone.

I made my husband watch this with me a couple of days ago. He thought it was way too many details... LOL

HookEmNelson · September 2015

I guess I nerd out on the details, hah!

Pupatella · September 2015

Thank you to everyone who recommended The Great Sperm Race!!

My FI and I watched this documentary, and wow, it was really interesting. I honestly learned a lot I didn't know before. I had no idea that only about 20 sperm make it into the fallopian tube. Just crazy how much of a miracle getting pregnant actually is.

The people that were dressed as sperm made the documentary a little weird, but the science of everything was fascinating!!

To any lurkers reading this, please watch this documentary!!

FlightyAquarius · September 2015

I seriously need to watch that documentary. I'm glad that everything worked out and he feels better.

gabpepsi · September 2015

Pupatella said:
The people that were dressed as sperm made the documentary a little weird, but the science of everything was fascinating!!

Funniest post ever! I might watch just for this ha

Designermomma · September 2015

We've had fertility issues in the past and one piece of advice for you FI is to keep the balls cool. Wear boxers, no long hot baths or jacuzzis to keep the sperm count high. Eat healthy food and exercise (men eat a lot of black/blue berries and red meat) And for you, timing is everything and know the ovulation cues or use an over the counter ovulation predictor kit.

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