Im so glad someone stuck up for OP. I can't believe someone would try and find a way to shame her with what's SHES going through. She can't control her husbands penis, who wouldn't want to hope for the best and try to work things through the first time. Once is forgivable for some, twice is a no no. I don't ever tell people what to do, but you're not allowed to shame this woman. She's leaving now and doing what's right for her that's all that matters.
My husband of 7 years (we dated 4 years prior to that) told me on Labor Day (while I was pregnant at 27 weeks) that he went "a couple of times" to a "happy ending" massage place where he "just got a handjob". He said that he was "glad to let me know because it's not cheating" since it was just a handjob after the massage. Now, the reason he told me this is because $60 went missing from our account and confronted him. I'm a psychiatry resident and had been at work on an overnight call that night, and that's when it last happened.
I felt like I shattered into a thousand pieces. I ran out of the house, and in the process ran into my father (who was returning from work- my parents own a two family home and we are renting the first floor apartment). He asked me what was wrong and if he cheated on me, and said he's noticed my husband leaving just about every time I'm on an a call. I ended up telling my dad the truth and then I drove off for an hour. When I came back I told my husband he has an hour to pack and leave and he left within the hour.
After he left he changed the story. He said he had only said that because he "it's not cheating" and he didn't want to upset me. He said "the truth" was that he was buying some woman drinks. He then said that I rushed into telling my parents and didn't let him explained, and that he want me to take him back. He started calling/texting every few minutes until I blocked him. Then he showed up drunk at my parents (I am staying with them) and the next morning at my job with flowers (where I promptly kicked him out after yelling at him in an isolated corner of the hospital). He re-admitted the original story at that time but by that afternoon changed the story again: now he took some "fat" woman client drinking at a wine bar trying to open an account "for us and the baby".
This is not the first time he's done something. 6months into our marriage he took a woman out on a date while I was going through a difficult time in med school. I found out around our 1 year anniversary when I by chance read his email, but forgave him after a week because he promised nothing happened, And I couldn't prove it. Now he says that the reason he "lied" and told me the first story was because he knew how upset I would be if he had gone out on another date, but that "five minutes later" I told the family and he was kicked out. He is begging me not to leave him, that he needs me, blah blah fucking blah.
Everything inside me says to leave him. I deserve better and my baby girl shouldn't have to learn that his disrespect is normal from a husband. I'm afraid that she might grow up to marry a man like him or worst. But I still miss the bastard, and part of me wants to believe the better lie and stay for the sake of my baby so she doesn't grow up with divorced parents and without a father.
He was kind and loving in many ways, but he always places his needs first. He's barely pampered me during my pregnancy, we had a fight when I didn't want to go to his pick of a restaurant few months ago when we went out even though I told him I was having a craving. I do think he loves me but he does not respect me or value me. It hurts that he has destroyed all the wonderful family moments we could have had.
I'm so hurt and confused. In what world is a handjob not cheating? Did I rush into telling my family/ kicking him out? Or am I correct and should I just start the divorce proceedings and get rid of the bastard? And more importantly what's best for my baby: growing up in a two parent household where her father has cheated and she'll have to spend her growing years watching how her father does not respect and does not value his mother; or raising my child on my own and having her grow up in a broken household after a divorce?
I am so confused. I'm so heartbroken. I'm so mad and disappointed. I'm scared about having to raise a child on my own. I am terrified that he might have given me an STD if more happened (thankfully I have my OB appointment next week). I horrified that this happened now, to me, while I am pregnant and we were supposed to be happy that we are starting a family. And I just feel so lost. So very, very lost
I'm sorry to damper the day of everyone that reads this with my story, but I just feel so lost
Hun I know how scary it is and how hard it is trust me but u and ur little girl deserve more respect then that. It's not easy trust me I went through my first pregnancy alone I raised my daughter alone for 3 years before I found my husband.it's not easy it is stressful but u deserve so much better. Don't let anyone make u feel less. Ur in my thoughts if u need to talk message me okay
It was really difficult to leave him then. He was more than amazing when we we were dating, and I was so young that I fell deeply in love. I did try leaving him. But at that time I needed him and loved him more than my logic allowed me to think. Plus, (while this may just be an excuse) I found out 6 months after it happened, he swore it was nothing more than a date once, and I couldn't prove otherwise. Plus our romance had been so beautiful, our families have very traditional Catholic traditions and encouraged me to take him back, and he seemed so remorseful that both sides of the family and I gave him a second chance. There were a lot of other factors and events that played into it. And you are right, I now wish I wouldn't have trusted him again. But he changed a lot after that first indiscretion and we were in such a good place until I got pregnant. Then he started again to regress to the way he behaved around the time we got just married and it culminated in what he did now. But now things are so different and he used up his second chance.
You unfortunately gave him a pass and now your child will be raised with a cheating father who has no regard for women/ the sanctity of marriage / or family values. Unfortunately, this could have all been prevented if you believed him the first time he showed his true colors. Now you have two choices - stay with him for 18 years and don't make any more kids and always wear a condom so he doesn't bring you home an std OR you can leave him but then you will have no control over what other woman he runs through your child's life and what they are exposed to when you aren't there.
You. Can. Not. Be. Serious. One - people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Who the hell do you think you are to say such vile things to a person who's life has just been turned upside down? Seriously, what is wrong with you? She has more choices than just two incredibly simplistic and childish ones. I feel bad for you @leeleepi if you truly think that those are the only two choices she has.
OP - there's so many things you can do. The only two things I can tell you for sure is that you shouldn't rush an ultimate decision right now and that you should get the STD test done. I recommend finding a therapist for you to start with - your whole world has been shook up and you shouldn't go through this alone. I'm so riled up by the quoted comment that I'm going to get incredibly personal right now. I cheated on my SO two years ago. When everything came to light, we both wanted to work through it and so we did. The road was long and hard for the both of us, but especially for him. But we made it. If you want more details on how we did it, I'll happily PM them to you to keep from writing out a novel on here. I will say that from a cheater's perspective the ever changing story, the not viewing it as cheating, and the lack of remorse is appalling. However, all of the metaphorical balls are in your court. You can simply divorce and be co-parents. There are so many ways to be great co-parents and work together despite what someone seems to think. You can demand marriage counseling. If you decide to try and work things out and at any point if you decide that he's full of shit, you can just leave.
On the co-parenting note, my parents divorced when I was 3 months old. I can tell you that I am so thankful for that. I never had to deal with warring parents divorcing like my SO did. I had no traumatic mom vs dad arguments. From as far back as I can remember, all I have memories of are my mom and dad being friends. They managed to divorce with minimal bitterness and over the years they were never anything but great co-parents. In fact I made the decision to not speak to my father for different reasons a few years ago, but my mom and my dad still talk on the phone a few times a year.
Good luck and I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
Thank you ladies, especially @Starfish51886. I was a bit disturbed by that last comment. And I appreciate everyone's suggestions, but I'm just not sure how family counseling will help in this situation. It will likely just be a waste of time, and may weaken my resolve to get out of this situation. I'll consider it, he's definitely asking for it (and told me he is going to therapy). I just feel like these are character flaws in him that, while I am sure he'll change in time, it will probably take months if not years to fix. And that's if he actually sticks to it. Last time stuff happened 6 months ago he swore he would go, but after I took him back he he never got around to scheduling the appointment, and when I did he have a bunch of excuses (plus I was in med school at the time and was studying for an exam) so we never went. Plus, like I said, we were fine until I got pregnant. I think he cannot handle change.
Therapy would benefit you as a way of ending the relationship with closure. Having a child means that your relationship ends but he will always be her father. You can use therapy as a safe place to talk about your thoughts and feelings towards him. Couples therapy is not always about saving the relationship. If he has offered I would suggest taking the opportunity for you and little one.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this at all, especially pregnant. I just wanted to add (and maybe someone else has already said this) that you should consult a good divorce attorney as soon as possible if you think that's where this is headed. I would hate for him to mess with any bank accounts or other assets you hold jointly as revenge for seeking a divorce/separation. A good attorney can advise you on financial matters. Take care of yourself and baby girl, you'll get through this.
I don't have anything to add because you've gotten phenomenal advice, but you sound like such a strong woman and I am so so very sorry you are going through this. You'll be in my thoughts & prayers.
Thank you ladies, especially @Starfish51886. I was a bit disturbed by that last comment. And I appreciate everyone's suggestions, but I'm just not sure how family counseling will help in this situation. It will likely just be a waste of time, and may weaken my resolve to get out of this situation. I'll consider it, he's definitely asking for it (and told me he is going to therapy). I just feel like these are character flaws in him that, while I am sure he'll change in time, it will probably take months if not years to fix. And that's if he actually sticks to it. Last time stuff happened 6 months ago he swore he would go, but after I took him back he he never got around to scheduling the appointment, and when I did he have a bunch of excuses (plus I was in med school at the time and was studying for an exam) so we never went. Plus, like I said, we were fine until I got pregnant. I think he cannot handle change.
Only you know what's best for you. If you think couple's counseling would weaken your resolve then don't do it. Or you can get counseling just for yourself. Only you know what's in your best interest. It sounds like you're right, that he keeps promising to change but doesn't follow thru. That's terrible. I'm glad you won't let him dink you around... I loved my dad but he had a really bad porn addiction. Eventuality my mom and he split up because he kept promising to get help, change, etc. But he never actually followed thru and changed his behavior. He did try to get better at hiding it. When he died and I found his laptop guess what I found on it? I'm so sorry things didn't work out, some men will just never change. I wish it would have turned out better for you. I'm also sorry for the comment @leeleepi made - that was just way uncalled for! You have plenty of others that are willing to support you in whatever you choose.
And when she (@leeleepi) was called out for what she said, multiple times, she has not responded. That's when you (OP) know that you can safely ignore what she said and take the advice of others who are genuinely trying to help. I'm glad multiple people stood up for OP against @leeleepi, way more directly than I did
Relationship dysfunction is often something that cycles--like abuse of any form. Meaning that if he's done that once to you, I wouldn't trust that he won't put you through similar stress a third time. My opinion based on my education in social work and human development is that your daughter is going to learn more balance if you call it quits now. She needs 1 strong parent and if you were to subject yourself to that type of relationship just so she can have a two parent home is only going to teach her to model the same types of relationships. She can still have a healthy relationship with both of you. Imagine that you stay in the relationship and are always suspicious and paranoid when he's gone? What will that teach her?
AND you need to take care of yourself!! You shouldn't be having to go through this. I cannot imagine how hurt you are on top of our hormonal emotion swings. We all deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. A change in story is neither respect or honest.
Good luck mama, do what you feel comfortable with.
*edited so you didn't think I was trying to be aggressive like other posts I've seen. We all support you in your decision and know you're going to do what you feel is best for you and baby you're the expert, we're the opinion (not fact) givers.
Thanks ladies. I really appreciate everyone's comments. Today was a tough day, I took the subway to work for a change and there were couples everywhere. Some of the families had dad's carrying little girls. They all looked so happy. It was hard observing what my baby will not have, what I don't have though I deserve it. It made me miss the bastard, if only my mistakened illusion of what our lives would have been. I feel like a roller coaster now. One hour I hate him and I feel strong and confident and the next I miss him and feel like my resolve is faltering. Maybe it's just because my insomnia is getting worst. Before this all happened I was sleeping 6-8 hours. Now I'm lucky if I get 5. My mother keeps pushing for me to take Benadryl but I'm afraid to hurt the baby more than I already might have. Also, I got tested for STD's yesterday. I ended up walking into the ED. All the doctors and nurses were super nice, and we're very supportive when I had retell the story over and over (as is common in the ED). I was eventually transferred to the OB triage area were there were couples with men happily calling their extended family to announce that they are in labor. On the bright side I got to listen to my baby's heart for a full two hours. It made me so happy to hear her little heart, and she was soooo active, in a good way :-) I have no contractions she seems fine as per the OB. I will get the STD panel results on Wednesday, but as far as the exam there were no worrisome signs. Hopefully everything will come back negative. I also made an appointment with a therapist and will see her tomorrow. Will probably post again with an update tomorrow. Thanks ladies, and hope you are all well :-)
I found out two weeks ago that this entire time bf and i had been together he has been txting and sexting his ex. She lives in another state but he downed me so badly. Told her he loved her and she loves him. I gave him back his rings and told him it was all a lie. He said he would stop but i just don't believe him. I am stuck here. I have no where to go. I quit my job for a few reasons (mainly my sons health but also because bf wanted me here) and now am a prisoner in this house. But once this baby gets here i am out of here. I hate this. Men are such jerks. If i even as much as text anyone he wants to know who and what. I don't talk to other men. So he can try and shift blame alllll day long.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You did the right thing. If i could take my kids and go to my parents i would so be there. But they have custody of my sisters kids and there's no room
Omg dear! And I thought my situation is bad. Is there any way you can get the bastard to move out on his own volition @enigmaanjel? Or maybe stay over a friend or sibling? I hope you are ok, sending my hugs to you!!!
I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I'm not here to tell you what to do, but I personally believe that you do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you! And remember that just because you don't have a stable family right now doesn't mean you won't ever have that for your child. I have lots of friends whose parents separated when they were very young who are just as close to their step-dads as they are their biological fathers and who are very happy, well-adjusted people.
I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?
Six years ago is a long dang time so maybe lay off OP for trying to make her very young marriage work in the face of adversity.
OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.
Chances are that he messed around on her and then stopped and then started again 6 years later are slim - he just got better at hiding it. I'm all for fighting for a marriage but at that early stage in a relationship and he is already acting up - oh hell no. Have some self respect and move on - she didn't choose well and then would have been a good time to start over. Clearly it's all in the past and doesn't fix her current situation - but her choices are slim now and neither are great.
Additionally @leeleepi I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be
Babies are a gift, and should always be celebrated as one of the greatest miracles to ever happen to us. In no way did I say you should regret getting pregnant. What I DID say and what I DO mean, is that you made the choice to marry this man, you made the choice to stay in a relationship (before kids) that was less than par, and then you made the choice to bring life into this world to then experience this situation with you. If you had chosen better and been really honest with yourself then perhaps you would be bringing a child into a different situation, one that isn't going to be a broken home in 3-5 years. It is our job to teach our children how to make strong choices and not be controlled by fear or blindness, and for that reason, I hope this has been one heck of a learning experience for you.
Apologies if tough love isn't your thing... I am happy to bring it back to rainbows and butterflies for you.....ready.... "I am so sorry that you are facing this and you must be so stressed and sad - big hugs to you and be strong".
And when she (@leeleepi) was called out for what she said, multiple times, she has not responded. That's when you (OP) know that you can safely ignore what she said and take the advice of others who are genuinely trying to help. I'm glad multiple people stood up for OP against @leeleepi, way more directly than I did
Ah, I didn't come back to this thread till now- I was too busy laughing my ass off over on the "poop in you" thread. I am not trying to be aggressive, I am just calling a spade a spade and giving a different perspective. I do feel bad if her feelingswere hurt by what I said, however, it doesn't change my opinion.
It was really difficult to leave him then. He was more than amazing when we we were dating, and I was so young that I fell deeply in love. I did try leaving him. But at that time I needed him and loved him more than my logic allowed me to think. Plus, (while this may just be an excuse) I found out 6 months after it happened, he swore it was nothing more than a date once, and I couldn't prove otherwise. Plus our romance had been so beautiful, our families have very traditional Catholic traditions and encouraged me to take him back, and he seemed so remorseful that both sides of the family and I gave him a second chance. There were a lot of other factors and events that played into it. And you are right, I now wish I wouldn't have trusted him again. But he changed a lot after that first indiscretion and we were in such a good place until I got pregnant. Then he started again to regress to the way he behaved around the time we got just married and it culminated in what he did now. But now things are so different and he used up his second chance.
You unfortunately gave him a pass and now your child will be raised with a cheating father who has no regard for women/ the sanctity of marriage / or family values. Unfortunately, this could have all been prevented if you believed him the first time he showed his true colors. Now you have two choices - stay with him for 18 years and don't make any more kids and always wear a condom so he doesn't bring you home an std OR you can leave him but then you will have no control over what other woman he runs through your child's life and what they are exposed to when you aren't there.
You. Can. Not. Be. Serious. One - people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Who the hell do you think you are to say such vile things to a person who's life has just been turned upside down? Seriously, what is wrong with you? She has more choices than just two incredibly simplistic and childish ones. I feel bad for you @leeleepi if you truly think that those are the only two choices she has.
OP - there's so many things you can do. The only two things I can tell you for sure is that you shouldn't rush an ultimate decision right now and that you should get the STD test done. I recommend finding a therapist for you to start with - your whole world has been shook up and you shouldn't go through this alone. I'm so riled up by the quoted comment that I'm going to get incredibly personal right now. I cheated on my SO two years ago. When everything came to light, we both wanted to work through it and so we did. The road was long and hard for the both of us, but especially for him. But we made it. If you want more details on how we did it, I'll happily PM them to you to keep from writing out a novel on here. I will say that from a cheater's perspective the ever changing story, the not viewing it as cheating, and the lack of remorse is appalling. However, all of the metaphorical balls are in your court. You can simply divorce and be co-parents. There are so many ways to be great co-parents and work together despite what someone seems to think. You can demand marriage counseling. If you decide to try and work things out and at any point if you decide that he's full of shit, you can just leave.
On the co-parenting note, my parents divorced when I was 3 months old. I can tell you that I am so thankful for that. I never had to deal with warring parents divorcing like my SO did. I had no traumatic mom vs dad arguments. From as far back as I can remember, all I have memories of are my mom and dad being friends. They managed to divorce with minimal bitterness and over the years they were never anything but great co-parents. In fact I made the decision to not speak to my father for different reasons a few years ago, but my mom and my dad still talk on the phone a few times a year.
Good luck and I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.
I usually save words like "vile" for child molesters and rapists and those that are truly sick to the soul, however, if you find it appropriate to throw that around on an opinion given to a woman who A) asked for it who is in a marriage with a cheating husband of 6+ yeas while pregnant - sure go ahead, why not! You act as if I high fived him and then gave him kudos on his cheating ways. I am merely pointing out that this entire situation could have been avoided.
You unfortunately gave him a pass and now your child will be raised with a cheating father who has no regard for women/ the sanctity of marriage / or family values. Unfortunately, this could have all been prevented if you believed him the first time he showed his true colors. Now you have two choices - stay with him for 18 years and don't make any more kids and always wear a condom so he doesn't bring you home an std OR you can leave him but then you will have no control over what other woman he runs through your child's life and what they are exposed to when you aren't there.
I'm sorry, but this has got to be THE LEAST helpful comment I've ever read in all my years on TB. This isn't snark. I love snark. This isn't "advice." I love sarcastic advice. This is you telling a woman who's obviously heartbroken and going through one of the most difficult times of her life that she made a bad decision marrying her husband, and that she and her unborn child are doomed to a miserable life because YOU think "this all could have been prevented" if only OP was more like you.
This is just mean. I'm all for snark and drama and general bump entertainment, but this is just you being cruel for the sake of being controversial. Gross.
OP, sorry @leeleepi was THIS mean to you. Don't let someone who just loves voicing her own opinion make you feel guilty for marrying your husband six years ago. The only one who can make this decision is you.
I am not trying to be controversial, I am thinking about the welfare of her child who is now going to have to endure this situation. Decisions in life are tough, and yes we don't always make the right ones, but we need to learn from them so that it doesn't happen again, and again, and again.
I am all for fighting for a marriage to work and for someone to own up to their mistakes, but he continues to be an ass to her - and that shows complete lack of regard for her and their family. So inevitably, this poor little one, is going to have a broken home out of the gates - how is that fare to her/him? Yet, I am the ass for asking the question. This is an open board with many opinions, and unfortunately you don't like mine, oh well - whatcha gonna do...I suppose I can live with that.
I agree with @kbirchtree about the counseling, regardless of the final decision.
@leeleepi, I hope you never make a mistake in your life if you don't believe In second chances.
I am all for second chances... he has used his up though. And as for her, I hope she goes on to have a meaningful and happy life filled with so much love. I never said she shouldn't or doesn't deserve that. What I did say was that her child will be affected by this situation regardless of what happens now...
Fine. Thank you for your opinion and for voicing the obvious @leeleepi. I should have left him back then. My child may have to endure entry hardship if I don't end this. I have responsibility in this. But what is unfair and cruel of your response is that you are placing all the blame on me, which I don't need in this thread because I have my shitty husband for that. And who makes you an expert of my unborn child and/or her advocate? She may be better off in this situation than she may be in many other households. I am not sure why you are having such a strong negative opinion about my story, you are misplacing your anger on me. But you could have just been a little more delicate about his situation. And if you don't like it so much, I would appreciate for you to stay away from this tread. And don't do it for me, but do it for yourself because this thread obviously upset you.
I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?
Six years ago is a long dang time so maybe lay off OP for trying to make her very young marriage work in the face of adversity.
OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.
Chances are that he messed around on her and then stopped and then started again 6 years later are slim - he just got better at hiding it. I'm all for fighting for a marriage but at that early stage in a relationship and he is already acting up - oh hell no. Have some self respect and move on - she didn't choose well and then would have been a good time to start over. Clearly it's all in the past and doesn't fix her current situation - but her choices are slim now and neither are great.
Additionally @leeleepi I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be
Babies are a gift, and should always be celebrated as one of the greatest miracles to ever happen to us. In no way did I say you should regret getting pregnant. What I DID say and what I DO mean, is that you made the choice to marry this man, you made the choice to stay in a relationship (before kids) that was less than par, and then you made the choice to bring life into this world to then experience this situation with you. If you had chosen better and been really honest with yourself then perhaps you would be bringing a child into a different situation, one that isn't going to be a broken home in 3-5 years. It is our job to teach our children how to make strong choices and not be controlled by fear or blindness, and for that reason, I hope this has been one heck of a learning experience for you.
Apologies if tough love isn't your thing... I am happy to bring it back to rainbows and butterflies for you.....ready.... "I am so sorry that you are facing this and you must be so stressed and sad - big hugs to you and be strong".
There is a way to express empowering a child without shaming her mother..
I highly doubt that what she is dealing with right now is "rainbows and butterflies" regardless of how decently you speak to her.. so maybe since her life is in such turmoil right now, some kind words aren't going to do her OR that dear baby (who wouldn't exist without both of them) any significant damage..
And did it ever occur to you that sometimes trusting somebody (even if it turns out not to work out) IS a DAMN strong choice to make? Do you know how hard it is to forgive? Was it the right choice? That actually doesn't matter. She gave him another chance because her heart told her to. Now she is moving on like the strong woman she is because he blew it.
I agree with @kbirchtree about the counseling, regardless of the final decision.
@leeleepi, I hope you never make a mistake in your life if you don't believe In second chances.
I am all for second chances... he has used his up though. And as for her, I hope she goes on to have a meaningful and happy life filled with so much love. I never said she shouldn't or doesn't deserve that. What I did say was that her child will be affected by this situation regardless of what happens now...
So here's the thing with this.. Our kids are going to be affected by EVERY choice we make. Hopefully often affected well. Sometimes affected poorly.
You're a big advocate of not filling people's heads with idealism so you should also understand and appreciate that not only do children have to deal with bumps in the road, it DOES shape their character for the better if they have loving influences like this dear woman so obviously is.
Fine. Thank you for your opinion and for voicing the obvious @leeleepi. I should have left him back then. My child may have to endure entry hardship if I don't end this. I have responsibility in this. But what is unfair and cruel of your response is that you are placing all the blame on me, which I don't need in this thread because I have my shitty husband for that. And who makes you an expert of my unborn child and/or her advocate? She may be better off in this situation than she may be in many other households. I am not sure why you are having such a strong negative opinion about my story, you are misplacing your anger on me. But you could have just been a little more delicate about his situation. And if you don't like it so much, I would appreciate for you to stay away from this tread. And don't do it for me, but do it for yourself because this thread obviously upset you.
I am not upset one bit by this thread / your post / or others opinions against me. It is extremely hard to offend me and I am sorry for being more blunt then you may have appreciated. I forget that sometimes in here I have to be delicate as to not offend - but then again everyone is offended by everything these days.
I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?
Six years ago is a long dang time so maybe lay off OP for trying to make her very young marriage work in the face of adversity. OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.
Chances are that he messed around on her and then stopped and then started again 6 years later are slim - he just got better at hiding it. I'm all for fighting for a marriage but at that early stage in a relationship and he is already acting up - oh hell no. Have some self respect and move on - she didn't choose well and then would have been a good time to start over. Clearly it's all in the past and doesn't fix her current situation - but her choices are slim now and neither are great.
Additionally @leeleepi I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be
Babies are a gift, and should always be celebrated as one of the greatest miracles to ever happen to us. In no way did I say you should regret getting pregnant. What I DID say and what I DO mean, is that you made the choice to marry this man, you made the choice to stay in a relationship (before kids) that was less than par, and then you made the choice to bring life into this world to then experience this situation with you. If you had chosen better and been really honest with yourself then perhaps you would be bringing a child into a different situation, one that isn't going to be a broken home in 3-5 years. It is our job to teach our children how to make strong choices and not be controlled by fear or blindness, and for that reason, I hope this has been one heck of a learning experience for you.
Apologies if tough love isn't your thing... I am happy to bring it back to rainbows and butterflies for you.....ready.... "I am so sorry that you are facing this and you must be so stressed and sad - big hugs to you and be strong".
There is a way to express empowering a child without shaming her mother..
I highly doubt that what she is dealing with right now is "rainbows and butterflies" regardless of how decently you speak to her.. so maybe since her life is in such turmoil right now, some kind words aren't going to do her OR that dear baby (who wouldn't exist without both of them) any significant damage..
And did it ever occur to you that sometimes trusting somebody (even if it turns out not to work out) IS a DAMN strong choice to make? Do you know how hard it is to forgive? Was it the right choice? That actually doesn't matter. She gave him another chance because her heart told her to. Now she is moving on like the strong woman she is because he blew it.
I fail to see her fault in this. At all.
I think we over use the word "shaming" these days... and by using it incorrectly you are taking power out of the word.
I am officially done conversing with you @leeleepi. You voiced your opinions, you said what she needed to say, and it's over. I will not respond to any more of your provocative responses. You are right, you are an adult and you can choose to do or say whatever you want. But everyone else has a right to respond to your statements, and by starting an argument about your opinions you are making this thread about you rather than me or the other women who are going through this situation and have posted on this thread , and we are the ones hurting right now. Say whatever you need to say but I will now ignore you because this is not helpful or productive for me. I hope everyone else does the same.
@leeleepi I hope your baby can handle the 'tough love' you're so fond of doling out, especially considering how much you seem to enjoy speculating on the emotional wellbeing of others' future children.
I am officially done conversing with you @leeleepi. You voiced your opinions, you said what she needed to say, and it's over. I will not respond to any more of your provocative responses. You are right, you are an adult and you can choose to do or say whatever you want. But everyone else has a right to respond to your statements, and by starting an argument about your opinions you are making this thread about you rather than me or the other women who are going through this situation and have posted on this thread , and we are the ones hurting right now. Say whatever you need to say but I will now ignore you because this is not helpful or productive for me. I hope everyone else does the same.
Totally understand your position and am fine with ending the conversation, but your response here makes no sense. I was called out for not responding on the thread and then when I do, you say "I am provoking and making this about me". Huh?! I have never made this about me, nor would I want to. This is all about you and your situation.
Hope you get the help you need and a much needed hug. Best of luck in your situation...
@exsequoryingyang - We (December) are all proud of you for starting down a path that will be best for both you and your baby. That path may or may not include your child's biological father. That is a choice that will have to be made in the future. But please remember something important. Just because you don't have the best family life right now, doesn't mean that you won't ever have it. You may still see your daughter being happy with a father - it might be your current husband or someone else down the road who you haven't even met yet. And, if not, you will make so many amazing memories and have so many amazing experiences with your daughter that it won't matter much.
They say hindsight is 20-20. But you can't change the past. Let it help guide you in the future, but never beat yourself up over it. Especially since what your husband did is not your fault - no matter what anyone online or in person tries to make you think. Good luck, and we are all wishing you the best future possible.
Thank you @VixDecember2015 and everyone that commented. I just wanted to update that by STD screen was totally negative. I feel like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. My baby and I are perfectly healthy. Other than that I had my first Lamaze class and it went well. Thankfully there was only one couple there, the rest of the group are mothers with another supportive person and a mother whose husband couldn't come to the sessions. Hope that everyone is ok and doing well. My sincerest gratitude to all of you, you all managed to lift that blur I had all of last week and I can (finally) think more clearly now. Thank you!!!
Additionally @leeleepi I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be
^^^This. Absolutely. Never regret anything you do. Everyone's situation is different and people CAN change. This all just proves that you have a wonderful loving heart and it sucks that you got hurt but you also are getting an amazing little girl who will show you what true unconditional love is. Never let ANYONE tell you otherwise just because they can. they haven't always been in your shoes and cannot relate so in all reality, can give their opinion but it's not what's going to make or break you.
I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?
Six years ago is a long dang time so maybe lay off OP for trying to make her very young marriage work in the face of adversity.
OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.
Chances are that he messed around on her and then stopped and then started again 6 years later are slim - he just got better at hiding it. I'm all for fighting for a marriage but at that early stage in a relationship and he is already acting up - oh hell no. Have some self respect and move on - she didn't choose well and then would have been a good time to start over. Clearly it's all in the past and doesn't fix her current situation - but her choices are slim now and neither are great.
Additionally @leeleepi I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be
Babies are a gift, and should always be celebrated as one of the greatest miracles to ever happen to us. In no way did I say you should regret getting pregnant. What I DID say and what I DO mean, is that you made the choice to marry this man, you made the choice to stay in a relationship (before kids) that was less than par, and then you made the choice to bring life into this world to then experience this situation with you. If you had chosen better and been really honest with yourself then perhaps you would be bringing a child into a different situation, one that isn't going to be a broken home in 3-5 years. It is our job to teach our children how to make strong choices and not be controlled by fear or blindness, and for that reason, I hope this has been one heck of a learning experience for you.
Apologies if tough love isn't your thing... I am happy to bring it back to rainbows and butterflies for you.....ready.... "I am so sorry that you are facing this and you must be so stressed and sad - big hugs to you and be strong".
There is a way to express empowering a child without shaming her mother..
I highly doubt that what she is dealing with right now is "rainbows and butterflies" regardless of how decently you speak to her.. so maybe since her life is in such turmoil right now, some kind words aren't going to do her OR that dear baby (who wouldn't exist without both of them) any significant damage..
And did it ever occur to you that sometimes trusting somebody (even if it turns out not to work out) IS a DAMN strong choice to make? Do you know how hard it is to forgive? Was it the right choice? That actually doesn't matter. She gave him another chance because her heart told her to. Now she is moving on like the strong woman she is because he blew it.
I fail to see her fault in this. At all.
I think we over use the word "shaming" these days... and by using it incorrectly you are taking power out of the word.
I used that word for very personal reasons. I have not been cheated on, to my knowledge at least.. But I HAVE been in a relationship with a very mean person. And what can you do? It's so complicated. Because a mean person isn't always mean. Sometimes they're really nice. MOST of the time, they're really nice, quite honestly. And then you think "Hey, wow. Maybe it was just a bad day/something i did/something somebody else did and it'll all be ok now!" And of course.. it never is.
And then, you finally confide in somebody - you don't tell them how bad it is, really (I've never done that). You tell them some things though. Maybe you say "It's so much worse than i want to talk about" because you just need to talk to somebody. Anybody. And that person you trusted says something well-meaning but ill-advised, as you did (and i believe it was well meaning) Maybe they say "Look, you choose to keep staying with him".
So not only is this guy making me feel like my choices are the reason somebody hurts me, now somebody else i trust is reiterating it. And then maybe after that confusing conversation, I go home and am greeted by the nicest, sweetest guy, in a wonderful mood today. And i think "Oh my god, what if i overreacted? What if I'm just too sensitive? What if I everything I think is absolutely skewed?"
Do you know what that did to me when this douche already had my self esteem in the toilet? When i already felt responsible for everything bad that was happening. That feeling cannot be described as anything other than shame.
So while i agree, the word is completely overused, I don't think it is in the context of abuse, neglect or mistreatment. I think shame is a very common feeling for abused, neglected or mistreated people. And we need to just not add to it because it doesn't do them any good.
I see chronically lying to your spouse as a type of emotional abuse or at the very least, emotional maltreatment or neglect. And it's very embarrassing and triggers shame even though it is in no way her fault. Guy's a jerk. She's out now.
This is so hard but you are strong and will be alright no matter what you choose. Either way you need to go to marriage counseling to help him change his mindset or to learn to co-parent. Also he lucky you told your parents and didn't call his mother!
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this pain and unbelievably on top of how difficult pregnancy already is! Like everyone has said (including you), it's awful you haven't been treated with the respect you deserve. Props to you for knowing what you deserve!
My son is 5 and his biological father isn't around. If I could go back and remake the choice to have the role models in his life simply be consistent rather than going back and forth for years like we did, I would have gone with my gut feeling. I see now that consistency is what he needs most. And I saw then what I didn't want to admit was the inevitable end. My point/opinion is, if you can see the end, don't avoid it. Hope that helps.
I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?
Six years ago is a long dang time so maybe lay off OP for trying to make her very young marriage work in the face of adversity. OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.
Chances are that he messed around on her and then stopped and then started again 6 years later are slim - he just got better at hiding it. I'm all for fighting for a marriage but at that early stage in a relationship and he is already acting up - oh hell no. Have some self respect and move on - she didn't choose well and then would have been a good time to start over. Clearly it's all in the past and doesn't fix her current situation - but her choices are slim now and neither are great.
Additionally @leeleepi I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be
Babies are a gift, and should always be celebrated as one of the greatest miracles to ever happen to us. In no way did I say you should regret getting pregnant. What I DID say and what I DO mean, is that you made the choice to marry this man, you made the choice to stay in a relationship (before kids) that was less than par, and then you made the choice to bring life into this world to then experience this situation with you. If you had chosen better and been really honest with yourself then perhaps you would be bringing a child into a different situation, one that isn't going to be a broken home in 3-5 years. It is our job to teach our children how to make strong choices and not be controlled by fear or blindness, and for that reason, I hope this has been one heck of a learning experience for you.
Apologies if tough love isn't your thing... I am happy to bring it back to rainbows and butterflies for you.....ready.... "I am so sorry that you are facing this and you must be so stressed and sad - big hugs to you and be strong".
***Lurker*** I think what the OP can teach her child is about forgiveness. OP chose to forgive her husband the first time. If she decides to end the marriage now, she can teach her daughter that she can still forgive the actions but be wise enough to know when its time to leave an unhealthy situation.
OP, my husbands parents divorced when he was 5 years old. They both remarried to wonderful people, and my husband has great relationships with all 4 of them. Divorce isn't always considered ideal, but in this case my husband didn't lose 2 parents but he gained 2 more parents. I think others here have given you wonderful advice and I just want to add that I'm thinking of you and your little one!
Thank you ladies. I've been busy with Lamaze and work, so I wasn't able to respond until now. I thank you all for you comments. @groovylocks, thank you for sharing your story. You did read a lot into my story and you are correct. There are more layers to this, both good and bad. When my husband and I were good we were amazing. We had so many good, loving, and happy moments. But when he started to pull this he also turned verbally abusive and mean. Deep down I knew what he was doing, for God's sake I have advised some of my patients not to put up with men like this, I actually helped one of my patients get into a Domestic Violence Safehouse yesterday at work. While my husbands verbal abuse was thankfully not even a quarter as bad as what my poor patient was going through, it was still abuse and I wanna kick myself for putting up with it when it started a couple of months ago. It should have made me at least suspect that he was cheating. He became so distant and self involved. All the signs were there, but I was in such a happy, pregnant, "we're starting a family together" bliss that I put up with shit I didn't deserve. Plus the good times even then were so good that I kept rationalizing his mistreatment. It's so hard to notice it and act rational when you are in it and in love and so happy because of baby. And I do realize now that I need to work on my self esteem, this has hurt it deeply. And for everyone else, I am trying to keep a positive attitude about the future. I am scared about the possibility of a negative outlook, even before less positive comments were added to this thread. But I know (especially on a good day) that it's not rational to think of them as the only possibility, and it is especially helpful when others like @loveymay share their stories of other children of divorcees that grow up to have happy love filled lives. Thank you.
Even the best women fall into the cycle of abuse. I am sorry it took so long but I am glad you recognize it now. You can move on and teach your daughter what a health relationship is.
I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?
Six years ago is a long dang time so maybe lay off OP for trying to make her very young marriage work in the face of adversity. OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.
Babies are a gift, and should always be celebrated as one of the greatest miracles to ever happen to us. In no way did I say you should regret getting pregnant. What I DID say and what I DO mean, is that you made the choice to marry this man, you made the choice to stay in a relationship (before kids) that was less than par, and then you made the choice to bring life into this world to then experience this situation with you. If you had chosen better and been really honest with yourself then perhaps you would be bringing a child into a different situation, one that isn't going to be a broken home in 3-5 years. It is our job to teach our children how to make strong choices and not be controlled by fear or blindness, and for that reason, I hope this has been one heck of a learning experience for you.
Apologies if tough love isn't your thing... I am happy to bring it back to rainbows and butterflies for you.....ready.... "I am so sorry that you are facing this and you must be so stressed and sad - big hugs to you and be strong".
------QBF-----
Wow. You are an ASS. I have never called anyone on this site mean before but YOU are downright nasty. I have no idea what your problem is. I love this site and its snark, but this isn't snark it's just someone beating someone else when they are down. Seriously, you have had nothing good or helpful to say so just get lost! @Exsequoryingyang I'm really sorry you've had someone treat you like shit over this, you don't deserve it. I'm glad you're in a better place now. You and baby will be fine and I'm sure you'll find a better man later - one that treats you the way you should be treated!
Re: My husband cheated on me, I'm a blur
I can't believe someone would try and find a way to shame her with what's SHES going through. She can't control her husbands penis, who wouldn't want to hope for the best and try to work things through the first time. Once is forgivable for some, twice is a no no.
I don't ever tell people what to do, but you're not allowed to shame this woman. She's leaving now and doing what's right for her that's all that matters.
It sounds like you're right, that he keeps promising to change but doesn't follow thru. That's terrible. I'm glad you won't let him dink you around...
I loved my dad but he had a really bad porn addiction. Eventuality my mom and he split up because he kept promising to get help, change, etc. But he never actually followed thru and changed his behavior. He did try to get better at hiding it. When he died and I found his laptop guess what I found on it?
I'm so sorry things didn't work out, some men will just never change. I wish it would have turned out better for you.
I'm also sorry for the comment @leeleepi made - that was just way uncalled for! You have plenty of others that are willing to support you in whatever you choose.
AND you need to take care of yourself!! You shouldn't be having to go through this. I cannot imagine how hurt you are on top of our hormonal emotion swings. We all deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. A change in story is neither respect or honest.
Good luck mama, do what you feel comfortable with.
*edited so you didn't think I was trying to be aggressive like other posts I've seen. We all support you in your decision and know you're going to do what you feel is best for you and baby
I am so sorry you are going through this. You did the right thing. If i could take my kids and go to my parents i would so be there. But they have custody of my sisters kids and there's no room
I fail to see her fault in this. At all.
So here's the thing with this.. Our kids are going to be affected by EVERY choice we make. Hopefully often affected well. Sometimes affected poorly.
Her baby will be ok. She has a wonderful mother.
I fail to see her fault in this. At all.
I think we over use the word "shaming" these days... and by using it incorrectly you are taking power out of the word.
Hope you get the help you need and a much needed hug. Best of luck in your situation...
@exsequoryingyang - We (December) are all proud of you for starting down a path that will be best for both you and your baby. That path may or may not include your child's biological father. That is a choice that will have to be made in the future. But please remember something important. Just because you don't have the best family life right now, doesn't mean that you won't ever have it. You may still see your daughter being happy with a father - it might be your current husband or someone else down the road who you haven't even met yet. And, if not, you will make so many amazing memories and have so many amazing experiences with your daughter that it won't matter much.
They say hindsight is 20-20. But you can't change the past. Let it help guide you in the future, but never beat yourself up over it. Especially since what your husband did is not your fault - no matter what anyone online or in person tries to make you think. Good luck, and we are all wishing you the best future possible.
Never let ANYONE tell you otherwise just because they can. they haven't always been in your shoes and cannot relate so in all reality, can give their opinion but it's not what's going to make or break you.
Keep on moving forward Mama! You're doing great!
And then, you finally confide in somebody - you don't tell them how bad it is, really (I've never done that). You tell them some things though. Maybe you say "It's so much worse than i want to talk about" because you just need to talk to somebody. Anybody. And that person you trusted says something well-meaning but ill-advised, as you did (and i believe it was well meaning) Maybe they say "Look, you choose to keep staying with him".
Do you know what that did to me when this douche already had my self esteem in the toilet? When i already felt responsible for everything bad that was happening. That feeling cannot be described as anything other than shame.
So while i agree, the word is completely overused, I don't think it is in the context of abuse, neglect or mistreatment. I think shame is a very common feeling for abused, neglected or mistreated people. And we need to just not add to it because it doesn't do them any good.
My son is 5 and his biological father isn't around. If I could go back and remake the choice to have the role
models in his life simply be consistent rather than going back and forth for years like we did, I would have gone with my gut feeling. I see now that consistency is what he needs most. And I saw then what I didn't want to admit was the inevitable end. My point/opinion is, if you can see the end, don't avoid it. Hope that helps.
***Lurker***
I think what the OP can teach her child is about forgiveness. OP chose to forgive her husband the first time. If she decides to end the marriage now, she can teach her daughter that she can still forgive the actions but be wise enough to know when its time to leave an unhealthy situation.
OP, my husbands parents divorced when he was 5 years old. They both remarried to wonderful people, and my husband has great relationships with all 4 of them. Divorce isn't always considered ideal, but in this case my husband didn't lose 2 parents but he gained 2 more parents. I think others here have given you wonderful advice and I just want to add that I'm thinking of you and your little one!
OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.
Babies are a gift, and should always be celebrated as one of the greatest miracles to ever happen to us. In no way did I say you should regret getting pregnant. What I DID say and what I DO mean, is that you made the choice to marry this man, you made the choice to stay in a relationship (before kids) that was less than par, and then you made the choice to bring life into this world to then experience this situation with you. If you had chosen better and been really honest with yourself then perhaps you would be bringing a child into a different situation, one that isn't going to be a broken home in 3-5 years. It is our job to teach our children how to make strong choices and not be controlled by fear or blindness, and for that reason, I hope this has been one heck of a learning experience for you.
------QBF-----
Wow. You are an ASS. I have never called anyone on this site mean before but YOU are downright nasty. I have no idea what your problem is.
I love this site and its snark, but this isn't snark it's just someone beating someone else when they are down. Seriously, you have had nothing good or helpful to say so just get lost!
@Exsequoryingyang I'm really sorry you've had someone treat you like shit over this, you don't deserve it. I'm glad you're in a better place now. You and baby will be fine and I'm sure you'll find a better man later - one that treats you the way you should be treated!
Eta: qbf