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December 2015 Moms
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MIL- Boundaries

oregonmommy-2oregonmommy-2 member
in December 2015 Moms
Let me start with the fact that I absolutely love my mother in law.. However, she is very over the top- and since I found out I am pregnant she has been even more over the top. First she wanted to have a whole nursery set up at her house. I put a halt on that right away and bluntly explained to her that she is the grandma and baby would not be spending enough time at her house for her to need a full nursery. A pack n play will do the trick. Which went well! Well now every time she buys anything for the baby she says oh but this is staying at my house because I need a full closet for him here. I don't want to be harsh to my mother in law but she isn't realistic. There is no reason for her stocking up on clothes to have at her house. There has also been a few times where she has told me "at my house I'm going to use this product." And I nicely explain to her that she is going to have to use what I think is best because I am the mom.

I really don't want to hurt her feeling and I also don't want to take the excitement of being a first time grandma away from her. I just wish she would calm down and understand her role as grandma.

I guess I want some advice on how to continue handling her through the end of the pregnancy and when baby comes??

Am I overthinking all of this and should I just let it go? I already explained to her that she is grandma not mom on multiple occasions.
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Re: MIL- Boundaries

  • taysuntaysun member
    I would stand your ground about the stuff that matters to you, like the products. She'll probably quickly realize the clothes will go to waste at her house if baby isn't there. My mother furnished a nursery at her house which I didn't care to argue about considering she's going to be the overnight babysitter ALWAYS. Consider talking to your DH about how you feel and between the two of you come up with a way to approach the issues you want to address.
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  • beeishbeeish member
    edited September 2015
    I told my MIL that I'm not comfortable letting LO stay with anyone until she is older. Once she is a year or two ill feel more comfortable with her staying over. By then she'll be more in a routine and there's really not much MIL can overstep. MIL can set up a playroom/area then. I'm sure she will go all out with a play area for LO and LO will love going to play at grandmas.
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  • bbiutmcphbbiutmcph member
    What is your husbands take on all this.  IMO experience yes you need to set boundaries but in my experience you and H need to be a united front first.  He needs to be 100% on your side so that he can nip it in the butt with his mother.  As long as you two are on the same page and show a united front it will be much easier to nip in the butt.  I have a crazy MIL and H and I are always in sync with are wants and wishes and he handles his mom.


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  • TomekiaBTomekiaB member
    How does you FIL feel about buying a second nursery when they don't sound like they will even be your primary childcare providers? BTW Have you seen in some circles grandparents are getting their own baby showers for the entire 2nd nursery, stroller etc. how weird is that (for a grandparent that will not have legal custody of the child)?
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  • thegingeravengerthegingeravenger member
    How close do you live to your MIL? My MIL seems to be (mostly) trained with three previous grandbabies from her other sons, but I'm sure we'll still end up re-enforcing some sort of boundary somewhere. My mom (who lives a few hours away and this is her first grandbaby) has gotten herself her own pack-in-play and stroller from her friends that had babies/grandbabies fairly recently and is buying some clothes to have at her house. While some of it makes me roll my eyes, I am grateful to know that when we go visit that my mom can keep kiddo so my SO and I can have a nice date back in my hometown! She's 100% on board with following all my parenting decisions which would have been the kicker. 

    In your shoes I'd fight the products thing (hello sensitive skin excuse!), but as far as clothes and toys go let her waste her money. If she ever tries to overthrow you and your DH's parenting decisions then cut her right off. 
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  • oregonmommy-2oregonmommy-2 member
    @TomekiaB my FIL thinks it's crazy and a waste.. My SIL also agreed and let her know there was no reason.. I guess we will play the watch and learn how this will work game..

    @thegingeravenger they are 15 minutes away.. I'm ok with some stuff because she will be watching him a few hours every week.. But sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.. Like boundaries for sure need to be set!
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  • thegingeravengerthegingeravenger member
    That's about how far I am from my MIL too. Go ahead and talk to your DH about setting the boundary of if she drops by unexpected that you either flat out ignore that she's outside or open the door just enough to say it's a bad time. Let her know that "just dropping by" before March isn't okay and let her know soon. When you drop LO off eventually, bring everything you want used in a diaper bag and decide what's worth fighting over. Know how much is in each item. My friend had to do this with her own mother.  ("How come the tupperware of formula I brought over hasn't been touched?", "Why are all the diapers I packed still in here?", ect) My friend's LO had a sensitive stomach AND skin and her mom wasn't giving him the formula that wouldn't make him miserable or the diapers that he had the least issues with.

    Ultimately, sit down with your DH and get on the same page with everything that is an issue now and what you think will be one later. Be a team.  Let him know that you feel overwhelmed!
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  • hplunkett2883hplunkett2883 member
    Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries! Absolutely agree that your husband should be on the same page as you and the 2 of you together should address it with her. My MIL lives with us and she hasn't said much but I'm scared to death once the baby is here (her 1st) she will become overbearing. I will not hesitate to remind her I am the mother and she is the grandmother. Period.
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  • mlr7710mlr7710 member
    I'm not looking forward to an uncomfortable conversation I have to have with my mil, either. My sil has a 3 year old who has named my mil mama... Not Grammy, nana, Nune, gigi, mama. I am not comfortable with my child calling anyone else mama, but me. Which I don't think is crazy. But the name is even more endearing BC it's what my mil called her grandmother. So I feel like I'm squashing family traditions, but I just think it's strange. And I love my mil immensely, but this conversation has to take place.

    Good Luck to you!!
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  • mrs14678mrs14678 member
    My mil just bought a new car, which she legitimately needed, but one of her qualifications was that it needed to have room for a car seat in the back..... And she wants to buy a car seat. Ha! She's a scary driver (hyper distracted), and we will be living about 4 hrs away from her...... I'm pretty sure that she will have very few reasons to ever have my baby in her car.

    I think she's just all talk, not actually intending to buy a car seat. She said she was going to buy me some big ticket items on my registry, but with the shower 2 weeks away, she still hasn't and my parents bought the biggest items I needed.

    I love her dearly, but I think with all the stress of her dad dying too, she's starting to lose it even more. It's sad to say, but he's been dying for YEARS and every time he has an episode, people think "this is it" and it's not. It'd be nice if he would just go, so she can have her life back.
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  • BriannaCaitlinBriannaCaitlin member
    My MIL was completely overwhelming throughout my whole pregnancy with my twins. She bought diapers, a crib, a stroller and a Moby wrap for her house and never even mentioned it to us until I was 28 weeks pregnant. I had been in the hospital all night dehydrated and when I finally left there at 11 the next morning, she called to ask what we were doing like she always did and we were at Waffle House eating. She showed up with her daughter, mother, sister, and niece and that all sat down with is and ate which I was already mad about because I did not feel like talking. She then brought up to her sister and mother that she had all of these things at her house so that when my girls stayed the weekends at her house she would wear one and push one in the stroller to go on walks, and even had a crib for them to sleep in. I was so mad because we had already told her that because she smokes in her house, my girls will never be at her house and I don't let anywhere wear my babies, I just really don't like it. I left and didn't say anything until they were SIX WEEKS OLD and JANUARY and she asked to keep them from Friday night to Monday morning. All hell broke loose and my boyfriend FINALLY sat down and talked through boundaries with her. There was a lot we didn't bring up and it all ended up coming up while I was still in the hospital which was super stressful. Set any and all boundaries now, because once your LO gets here grandmas get more crazy and it's way harder to get your points through to them then. I feel for ya, been there done that.
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  • RSB1982RSB1982 member
    So I am going to come at this from another angle.  I have never lived close to my in-laws so I can't even pretend to know how annoying that must be.  If you can, I would try to find a way to enjoy your MIL's enthusiasm - as best you can anyway.  From what I have seen with friends parents and other new grandparents, the first grandchild almost always gets the royal treatment - expensive gifts, furnished nurseries, and attention, attention, attention.  The other grandchildren are of course loved, but the first always has a special place.  This will be my mother's fourth grandchild and my in-laws fifth grandchild.  Are they happy for us, of course.  Are they excited?  Well, I don't get that feeling to be all that honest.  They have been there done that.  And its somewhat sad for me to have seen how the other grandchildren (especially the first) were showered with gifts and excitement and we just are not having that same experience.  

    All that being said, we live in another state and do not have all the worries of new parents with grandparents just down the road.  I'm always a little jealous of the moms who complain about their parents being too involved because our parents will see our child only a few times a year.  Anyway, thats my perspective. 
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  • MelissadmagMelissadmag member
    I would save the arguments for things that really matter in the end. Does it hurt you if she has a lot of clothes stocked up in her closet for him? It doesn't, and honestly when my niece was born my mom had an entire stock pile of diapers and clothes at her house for her. Even though she didn't babysit all that much, between the few times that she did babysit, and the many times my niece visited with my sister my mom actually used all of her stock pile up and had to get more. Babies have a lot of accidents, and between pee/poop explosions, spit ups, clothes ripping, and babies getting into messes in general, her having extra clothes and diapers meant that my niece wasn't sent home naked dozens of times, and that was with my sister having extra clothes in the diaper bag. 

    As far as products that she wants to use at her house, it really depends on the reason you don't want her to use them. Is she trying to use a dangerous product that is known for causing problems...or are you just mad that she's using something blue instead of green? Do you want her to only use organic stuff? If you are going to try and control everything to that degree then you might have to consider purchasing the products that you want her to use for her, or let her borrow yours when baby does go over. It would be hard to tell someone they can't use something they bought at their own house without a really valid reason, or at least giving them the product you would rather they use so that you seem like you're compromising instead of just being overly controlling. 
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  • kristen2bkristen2b member
    MegStark said:

    @Melissadmag - I'm sorry, but do you have children? Or a pushy MIL? Because, no. Sorry. I used to think you should just let things go. It turns into a nightmare.

    Exactly.
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  • april172010Uapril172010U member
    I say, why does it matter? Where you get to decide who sees the baby, if your MIL wants to buy a crib and extra clothes, let her. How does it hurt you? If there are specific products you feel strongly about, bring that up, but her getting excited shouldn't take anything from you. With my first my MIL was like yours, and I held my tongue. I'm so glad I did as she has helped us so much. With sitting for the baby while we went on much needed dates or by having extra clothes at her house so I didn't have to pack everything every time we go visit, it's nice. I would just be careful what you say now since you don't know what the future holds. I would have had to eat my words!
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  • maiatenemaiatene member
    Pick your battles bc there will be plenty. If she wants to waste money decorating a room and buying some clothes let her. Speak with hubby and see if he can talk some sense into her. Def set some boundaries (like time spent together, products and how baby will be fed) but the rest is silly in the grand scheme of things. It's better she keeps all of that stuff at her house instead of forcing you to keep it at yours
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  • ChiccoBeanzChiccoBeanz member
    Maybe explain to her that you'd rather she not purchase so many things as it would be a waste of her money. If your baby won't be there too often, she needs that spelled out for her. As far as products go, what you says goes. I'm sure you have your reasons for what you use and that should be respected, but you just may have to pay for it. I totally disagree with the whole "let it go" and compromise idea on this. This creates huge boundary issues, and if you love her now, you don't want to start hating her or even just disliking her because you feel underminded.
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  • MelissadmagMelissadmag member
    I'm not telling her to let all things go, just things that don't really make a difference in her life one way or another, like her MIL having clothes at her house. Maybe I'm crazy, but to me that doesn't seem like a big deal in any way, and could actually be beneficial if baby has an accident while over there. The only person it hurts is the MIL financially if the clothes don't get used, but that is her MIL's choice to do that. 

    Obviously if her MIL is trying to be pushy about something that she needs to put her foot down about I'm totally in support of that. I'm saying to save the fights for things that matter and are actually important that way it's not a fight every day. It was also hard to know how to feel about the whole "products" thing because products is a pretty wide open topic which is why I was trying to get clarification. Does she mean she only wants to use organic skin products and her MIL is saying no, or is she talking about a teething toy? Anyway, I agree that she should stand up for herself and baby, but she wanted to know if she was overthinking things, and yeah I think stressing about her MIL having clothes at her house is stressing her out for no reason, but it's hard to help with the whole product thing without knowing what product she's talking about. 


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  • ChiccoBeanzChiccoBeanz member
    @Melissadmag I think it's more about the principle of the whole thing, not just the clothes. I get what you mean, it could totally be beneficial, but from what she posted it seems like MIL is trying to get in where she can fit in and still do what she wants. The issue poster seems to have, I could be wrong here, is that MIL is making these decisions and doing these things without discussing it with her and DH. MIL is just making assumptions and clearly, her daughter-in-law is not the type of person to roll with that, hence the whole nursery chat. So it's like every time DIL tells MIL that something isn't going to happen how MIL assumes it will, MIL tries to do something else. If it isn't one thing it's another. That can be super annoying and stressful to deal with. Plus, it's like being constantly tested. I know I'd be pissed if my MIL kept trying me, but that is how I am. But you do have a good point that if it is just clothes, and MIL wants to buy a wardrobe for her house, OP shouldn't let it stress her. But I also get the irritation it brings... it's like borderline blatant disrespect.
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