Husband doesn't want to help!!!

taylorharris01 · September 2015

Hey ladies,

So I'm struggling because my husband doesn't want to help at night. He sometimes helps during the day and progressively has gotten somewhat better. But he doesn't really change diapers in fact maybe two in two days, gives bottles mostly at 7:00PM, and can't handle when the baby cries uncontrollably. So after I had a meltdown he agreed to every other week on the weekend one night getting the baby at the middle of the night shift. Now he's back peddling and I want to cry. All my friends who have children dad is very involved and helps. Am I the only person with a husband that makes you feel pretty much like a single mom?

Lalala2326 · September 2015

Mine is pretty good about helping when he can, but I breastfeed with no bottles at night so there isn't much he can do at night. My brother-in-law though pretty much won't look at his kids till they are a year old. Like zero help. He does eventually start helping after that but he just hates the infant stage. We have always thought it was wierd but its been like that with all 4 kids.

sushilove15 · September 2015

He should definitely be helping you a lot more! I'm sorry you feel like you are in this alone. My husband helps out every day when he gets home and at night. I told my mom how nice it was for him to offer to let me sleep and take care of LO. Her response was "well he should!" And I agree...he should offer.

Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him. Baby needs a well rested mommy!

bpwife&mama · September 2015

My husband and I switch on and off at night because we made our baby together. He needs to step up.

candicejeff2013 · September 2015

My husband sleeps in a separate room on a separate floor during the week so he's fresh for work. So you better be damn sure he helps on the weekend! He's basically "childless" for 21 hrs of the day during the week since he only see's DD from around 7pm - 10pm. However, he does try to help me get her to sleep in the evenings so that helps. DD only wants the boob in the evening from me but if DH bounces her she's falls asleep...

BUT He is leaving for a bachelor party in Vegas this Wednesday (DD will be 5 weeks) and I totally hate him for that right now. The fact that he can go anywhere at-will with a sense of care free-ness just effing bothers me. Meanwhile I'm stuck in the house for 80% of the day until the weather gets nicer here in Houston.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant. Tell him he better help more.

prpl11butterfly · September 2015

DH takes over everything except feeding (if he had the boobs or we gave bottles he would do that too) when he gets home from work if he had an opening or mid shift.

There is no reason your H shouldn't be doing something... Even something as simple as a diaper change is a huge help when you've been home with LO all day and doing everything.

taylorharber1108 · September 2015

I'm so sorry your husband isn't helping out. I can't imagine how that must be. I hope things start to get better and he becomes more involved.

J&D2007 · September 2015

candicejeff2013 said:
My husband sleeps in a separate room on a separate floor during the week so he's fresh for work. So you better be damn sure he helps on the weekend! He's basically "childless" for 21 hrs of the day during the week since he only see's DD from around 7pm - 10pm. However, he does try to help me get her to sleep in the evenings so that helps. DD only wants the boob in the evening from me but if DH bounces her she's falls asleep...

BUT He is leaving for a bachelor party in Vegas this Wednesday (DD will be 5 weeks) and I totally hate him for that right now. The fact that he can go anywhere at-will with a sense of care free-ness just effing bothers me. Meanwhile I'm stuck in the house for 80% of the day until the weather gets nicer here in Houston.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant. Tell him he better help more.

That's exactly our method too! Seems to be working for us!

emmacake08 · September 2015

OMG if I was so exhausted that I had a breakdown and he agreed only to every other weekend helping, I would freaking lose it. Maybe I've been spoiled by my H (who does every 3 am feeding while I pump) but all that sounds unacceptable. I know some men don't help and others can be worse at helping with their first and step up later. I hope he becomes more empathetic and hears you more and helps.

kristendot2007 · September 2015

I know how you feel. It's insanely overwhelming feeling like everything is on you (because it is!) I think maybe it would be different if I wasn't breastfeeding, but then I'm like nope, he's just lazy!!!
My husband wants to hold him when he's asleep and act like he's father of the freaking year. Other than that, he doesn't do shit. I really have no advice. I've tried talking til I'm blue in the face. He just doesn't get it. In his mind, he's working and I'm not right now. So when he gets home, he should get his time to relax. When I go back to work in 9 weeks it's going to be a huge reality shock bc there is no way I can work full time and continue to do everything with ds by myself.
Sorry for my rant. also, will be following for advice. OP, I feel ya...

CarelessDiva89 · September 2015

I think if you're having a meltdown and are needing some rest then the every other weekend sounds like a joke! He definitely needs to step it up & put more effort in. Maybe on his days off he can do the first few morning feedings so you can sleep? My husband is constantly at work so I never have help with our 4 kids except 1 day a week. So on that one day I expect a nap & some help! When he is home he is very helpful during the day. I think you need to agree to something you're both happy with. Believe me when I hear of men getting up in the night I'm like wow those ladies are lucky. My husband just doesn't function without sleep & so I wouldn't want him getting up with our kids in the night time anyways because he nods off super easy. Good luck mama. Hope it gets easier & hopefully you can nap when the baby does.

jlsweets · September 2015

J&D2007 said:

candicejeff2013 said:
My husband sleeps in a separate room on a separate floor during the week so he's fresh for work. So you better be damn sure he helps on the weekend! He's basically "childless" for 21 hrs of the day during the week since he only see's DD from around 7pm - 10pm. However, he does try to help me get her to sleep in the evenings so that helps. DD only wants the boob in the evening from me but if DH bounces her she's falls asleep...

BUT He is leaving for a bachelor party in Vegas this Wednesday (DD will be 5 weeks) and I totally hate him for that right now. The fact that he can go anywhere at-will with a sense of care free-ness just effing bothers me. Meanwhile I'm stuck in the house for 80% of the day until the weather gets nicer here in Houston.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant. Tell him he better help more.
That's exactly our method too! Seems to be working for us!

Same here. My husband offers to get up with him a feeding during the week but I tell him don't worry about it. He has a really stressful job, works a lot of hours and has to be completely focused. During the weekend it's a different story.

CaliforniaDream87 · September 2015

bpwife&mama said:
My husband and I switch on and off at night because we made our baby together. He needs to step up.

I agree. This is unacceptable OP.

EmEeGee · September 2015

Every other weekend, one night, for one MOTN shift? Oh hell no. I'd lose it. I EBF and truly don't mind doing all the night time things myself, especially since my husband has a very stressful job with long hours. But if she is having a meltdown in the MOTN and I can't get her to settle (and it actually wakes him up for a change), he will always come and check on us to see if he can help in some way. He has also been asking about once a week if there's more he could/should be doing (as a FTD he appreciates direction) to help me when he's home in the evenings and on weekends.

All this to say... He needs to suck it up and help you. I know you said you've tried talking to him about it before, but I'd sit him down and spell out exactly what you want from him and explain how it affects you when he acts how he does. I hope it sinks in for your sake.

taylorharris01 · September 2015

Thanks ladies. Well it's just turned into an argument and threats. I feel ridiculous posting to a mom blog but in all honesty I have no one else. I just needed support. And it is rough when all you want is a tiny bit of night time help. It's like if I ask for help at night then he thinks I'm saying he doesn't help at all. But we all know giving a bottle at seven is way easier then waking up at 2:30am.

taylorharris01 · September 2015

His idea is for me to pack up and take the baby to my moms which is 2.5hrs away to get help from her.

WSatisfiedP · September 2015

I exclusively BF, so he can't feed him at night, but he gets up and changes his diaper and brings him to me to feed him. I absolutely wouldn't tolerate my H not helping. It took two to tango and if he's not at work, two are going to raise my son. Now a man is never gonna be as in tune with baby as mom, but he should be helping out imo.

abmommy15 · September 2015

Your husband needs a serious reality check. I don't ask my husband to get up at night at all because I EBF and he works so I don't see the point in him being tired when I have to be up anyway. That said when he isn't working he helps with diaper changes and anything else I need in addition to making dinner pretty much every day. Last time I checked making a baby takes 2 and so does caring for it.

taylorharris01 · September 2015

I agree. The statement I get is "you wanted the baby" I love our son but I didn't want him right now he says. He's like if we had him a couple years from now things would of been different and I would help more because I would of accepted it.

Because I wanted to have a baby sooner then him and I did push for it. Now it's completely my responsibility and my mother in law instigates and says the same thing.

tarheelgirl8 · September 2015

I'm sorry that is complete and total BS. I would be having a serious heart to heart with him ASAP. Agreeing to help one night every other week? That's ridiculous in itself in my opinion. He's a dad now. He's a dad 24-7 just like your a mom 24-7. He needs to man up.

Good luck OP, I really hope it gets better. You deserve better.

hitcj4687 · September 2015

Mine works from 3pm until 2am Monday through Thursday. So I understand not helping much those days but he also sleeps in until 1 in the afternoon Friday through Sunday and if DS is crying he just hands him to me (even if I'm napping) and makes me deal with him. He thinks he's so good with him and does so much when in reality I don't get help! Even when there's no excuse. Then he complains he's tired even though I don't sleep! Yesterday I had the flu and begged for help but he was "too tired" and he told me I should be grateful he helps at all. I could have killed him

bpwife&mama · September 2015

taylorharris01 said:
I agree. The statement I get is "you wanted the baby" I love our son but I didn't want him right now he says. He's like if we had him a couple years from now things would of been different and I would help more because I would of accepted it.

Because I wanted to have a baby sooner then him and I did push for it. Now it's completely my responsibility and my mother in law instigates and says the same thing.

Hell no. Regardless of when we wanted the baby, he still had sex and help create one so he has responsibilities too. He sounds awful.

JNOVA2015 · September 2015

taylorharris01 said:
I agree. The statement I get is "you wanted the baby" I love our son but I didn't want him right now he says. He's like if we had him a couple years from now things would of been different and I would help more because I would of accepted it.

Because I wanted to have a baby sooner then him and I did push for it. Now it's completely my responsibility and my mother in law instigates and says the same thing.

I think this is a really different ballgame than a DH who is clueless and not stepping up. It sounds like you guys might benefit from some counseling to get on the same page. It takes two people to make a baby, and unless you poked holes in a condom and tricked him into getting you pregnant, he's a willing participant in this exercise. The idea that you're having to negotiate for an hour of help once every 2 weeks is a joke. In the meantime, spending a week with your mom for your own sanity might not be a terrible idea.

mrsb30 · September 2015

taylorharris01 said:
I agree. The statement I get is "you wanted the baby" I love our son but I didn't want him right now he says. He's like if we had him a couple years from now things would of been different and I would help more because I would of accepted it.

Because I wanted to have a baby sooner then him and I did push for it. Now it's completely my responsibility and my mother in law instigates and says the same thing.

That's absolutely ridiculous. Honestly. it sounds like the issues are rooted deeper than him helping. I'm sorry he has said those hurtful things to you.

dkizz82 · September 2015

Mine doesn't help either. She'll be crying and he'll be laying there awake in his damn phone. He wants to feed her at night but he plays in his phone and props the bottle. Plus he isn't patient and it takes her along time to get into a deep sleep.
He wants to start working on weekends to "pay for hospitals bills". I told him absolutely not. That was his time to give me a break! Yep. He's working from 9am-11pm today. Do I feel ya!

CarelessDiva89 · September 2015

taylorharris01 said:
I agree. The statement I get is "you wanted the baby" I love our son but I didn't want him right now he says. He's like if we had him a couple years from now things would of been different and I would help more because I would of accepted it.

Because I wanted to have a baby sooner then him and I did push for it. Now it's completely my responsibility and my mother in law instigates and says the same thing.

Okay sorry to be harsh but he's being a total douche lord. Man oh man.. if that was said to me I would probably end up on an episode of snapped or with a mugshot. That is a shitty thing to say. He needs a reality check. I'm sorry you are going through this.. *hugs* Maybe you should go stay at your mom's & let him know when he wants to grow up and act like a father & hudband you will be back.

SashaDenn25 · September 2015

This is over the top, but I think I wouls go to my moms and see how he likes only seeing his son that one night every other weekend. If H started this I would already be seriously considering whether we were going to make it or not, but again many would think this is over the top, but im an all or nothing person. Once he looked at me and said you wanted the baby I would have said you helped so if you didnt want him yet you should have spoke up and done your part for it to not happen yet. So it happened early, buck up. Im sorry this is happening. Your happiness is so important for LO and seeing his parents in a loving relationship is very important in the long run. Im not saying leave him by any means if you dont want to, but give him a taste of what he says he wants and he might just miss his wife and child. If not, you may need to reevaluate. *hugs* Stay strong.

tarheelgirl8 · September 2015

taylorharris01 said:
Thanks ladies. Well it's just turned into an argument and threats. I feel ridiculous posting to a mom blog but in all honesty I have no one else. I just needed support. And it is rough when all you want is a tiny bit of night time help. It's like if I ask for help at night then he thinks I'm saying he doesn't help at all. But we all know giving a bottle at seven is way easier then waking up at 2:30am.

What do you mean threats? If he is physically threatening you, please take your baby and leave. You deserve to be 100% safe in your home.

taylorharris01 · September 2015

No like this isn't going to work. He's never ever been physical

SashaDenn25 · September 2015

Feel free to PM if you just need someone to talk to if you dont want to reach out to a friend while you dont know whats going to happen. I know this can be so hard.

taylorharris01 · September 2015

I'm starting to think so too.. No he knew he was an active participant I'm dysfunctional but not poking holes in condoms lol

taylorharris01 · September 2015

Thanks everyone for the support. I definitely am realizing that this is so unacceptable especially because everyone here has reacted like this is insane.

jgorley2015 · September 2015

taylorharris01 said:
I agree. The statement I get is "you wanted the baby" I love our son but I didn't want him right now he says. He's like if we had him a couple years from now things would of been different and I would help more because I would of accepted it.

Because I wanted to have a baby sooner then him and I did push for it. Now it's completely my responsibility and my mother in law instigates and says the same thing.

No way. If I had a SO, and he said this to me, I'd tell him to get out and not change my mind.

Unfortunately, with DS dad, I found out that no dad can be better than a horrible dad (he came over once and was so high, he dropped DS on the stone fireplace). I hope this isn't the case with you, and I hope he comes around. If not... it might be time to evaluate the relationship. I'm sorry.

JNOVA2015 · September 2015

taylorharris01 said:
I'm starting to think so too.. No he knew he was an active participant I'm dysfunctional but not poking holes in condoms lol

I didn't think you were!! I just said that to point out how extreme your actions would have had to be for him to be at all justified in giving you no help!!

His behavior is totally unacceptable. If it were me I'd be having a come to Jesus with him and moving to my mom's until he decided he wanted me and his child in our lives. If he wasn't ready to be a father, the time to say that was BEFORE conception.

gmd88 · September 2015

I've been very impressed with my hubby stepping up to help. I'm taking the night feedings when he works (3 14-hr shifts doing manual labor 3 days in a row back to back) and when he's not working he helps out. He also offers to help the nights he's working and if things get really hairy I let him. I'm sure there will be some readjusting when I go back to work. But I KNOW our marriage would be suffering if he wasn't helping on his days/nights off. You should insist he steps up... I'm kinda with PPs who say if he only wants to help every other weekend he should only see LO every other weekend.

cseley321 · September 2015

I love my husband but since coming home from the hospital he hasn't been very helpful to me other than him going to work. He will not tend to her unless I specifically instruct him to. Otherwise he sees it as my job. I'm exhausted but he is not going to change.

I'm sure he will come around more when she's older, but while she's this little I think it's just overwhelming to him, not to mention he's been having to work more than usual.

I feel your frustration, and I'm sorry he's being a dick about it.

prpl11butterfly · September 2015

I would definitely be packing up and going to my moms....permanently. If he didn't want a baby yet, he shouldn't have agreed to it. You obviously didn't accomplish that all by yourself.

shelbywaldrob · September 2015

I am in the same situation! I do everything. Housework, laundry & everything for the baby. On top of all that I'm exclusively pumping which is a ton of work alone. I've considered just going to formula so many times because I can hardly find time to pump. I just need my fiancée to either help out with the housework or watch the baby more. His idea of watching the baby is laying the baby beside him while he watches tv or plays on his phone. I've talked to him about it and he basically told me that since he works he shouldn't (and won't) do anything when he gets home. We got in a huge argument the other day and he said "all I want to do is come home and spend time with you both! I don't understand why you're always in a bad mood." This statement makes me laugh because he voluntarily goes to the gym for 1-3 hours after work everyday. He's also going to Disney world by himself (sounds incredibly suspicious to me) overnight. Who the hell does that?! And who would want to leave their wife (basically) and one month old at home alone overnight? He also stopped wearing his ring a few weeks prior to me giving birth. I'm tempted to pack the majority of our stuff and go to my moms while he's on his mini vaca at Disney to show him how effing serious I am about him helping. I go back to work in 3 weeks and I cannot do all of it alone. I can barely do it now.

Kwest1007 · September 2015

shelbywaldrob said:
I am in the same situation! I do everything. Housework, laundry & everything for the baby. On top of all that I'm exclusively pumping which is a ton of work alone. I've considered just going to formula so many times because I can hardly find time to pump. I just need my fiancée to either help out with the housework or watch the baby more. His idea of watching the baby is laying the baby beside him while he watches tv or plays on his phone. I've talked to him about it and he basically told me that since he works he shouldn't (and won't) do anything when he gets home. We got in a huge argument the other day and he said "all I want to do is come home and spend time with you both! I don't understand why you're always in a bad mood." This statement makes me laugh because he voluntarily goes to the gym for 1-3 hours after work everyday. He's also going to Disney world by himself (sounds incredibly suspicious to me) overnight. Who the hell does that?! And who would want to leave their wife (basically) and one month old at home alone overnight? He also stopped wearing his ring a few weeks prior to me giving birth. I'm tempted to pack the majority of our stuff and go to my moms while he's on his mini vaca at Disney to show him how effing serious I am about him helping. I go back to work in 3 weeks and I cannot do all of it alone. I can barely do it now.

I'm sorry your going thru that! The whole Disney thing would not be flying in my marriage. That sounds incredibly odd. N what's his excuse for not wearing his ring?

shelbywaldrob · September 2015

He works for a grocery store as the manager of the meat dept and doesn't want to get it nasty from all the meat and bring the germs home. Which is funny because he sits in his office all day doing paperwork and giving orders to associates and doesn't ever actually touch any meat. That being said, he doesn't wear it on his time off either. So I've given up saying anything about it anymore. The whole Disney world thing infuriates me but I can't tell him what to do. He knows how I feel about it and is still going.

SashaDenn25 · September 2015

shelbywaldrob said:
He works for a grocery store as the manager of the meat dept and doesn't want to get it nasty from all the meat and bring the germs home. Which is funny because he sits in his office all day doing paperwork and giving orders to associates and doesn't ever actually touch any meat. That being said, he doesn't wear it on his time off either. So I've given up saying anything about it anymore. The whole Disney world thing infuriates me but I can't tell him what to do. He knows how I feel about it and is still going.

My advice would be the same and sounds like you might already be doing it. Pack it up while hes gone and see if he changes his mind when you and his child are gone for a bit.

Husband doesn't want to help!!!

Re: Husband doesn't want to help!!!

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