Loss of my parents

roziek · September 2015

FTM (35) having a hard time as I'm at my half way point with my parents not around. They both passed away within 3 years due to illnesses

My hubby and I decided to have a baby a little later in our life bc we enjoyed our work and travelling. After a year of trying and no success we went through IFV and fortunately I can say that the first round has been successful, I'm 22 weeks and our baby boy is doing great. It's just getting harder as I'm past the mid way point and reality sets in that neither of my parents will ever be able to hold our baby or be a part of his life and it breaks my heart. I get so sad bc I don't know how to really handle the situation. My hubs is super supportive and talks me through things when I need it but if you've ever lost someone super close to you, you know its just a feeling of emptiness at times. Sorry for the long story but thanks for reading. Anyone been in a similar situation...how do you find yourself handling the sadness? Mind you, I'm not depressed, I'm just human and have these sad moments sometimes.

cazza22 · September 2015

It really breaks my heart to read this, I'm not in the same situation at all and I probably can't even begin to understand. However, you are going to have a son, a baby boy of your own and although he won't fill the emptiness left from your parents he will fill u up with more love than ever imaginable. He will be your focus and although you will still get sad and still think about what could have been I really do believe that your parents will be part of your little boy. You will see them in him and that will make you smile

CandKS · September 2015

Awww, I am so sorry @Roziek. I lost my mom when I was 16 due to cancer, and having kids without her has definitely been hard. I get sad thinking how much she would love my daughter, and how much my daughter would love her. With another on the way, it gets a little harder too. I get super jealous when I hear that others' moms are going to stay with them for a few weeks post birth, or their mom is going to be the nanny, etc. I wish I could tell you that that part gets easier, but for me it doesn't (even all these years later).

We pray to grandma EVERY night by asking her to comfort my daughter and wrap her in her love. We visit her grave often and point to her picture in the house and say grandma so she knows.

I really dont have any advice other than it is OK to have these moments of sadness. It is normal and natural. Can you maybe name your baby after one of them, or have a combo of both names as a way to honor them and keep the memory going?

Hugs to you. I know it's hard

roziek · September 2015

@cazza22...your sweet msg brought tears to my eyes I can't wait to meet him and can't wait to just hold him...def hoping to see both of them in our little boy. Thanks for your kind words...hope you have a great rest of your pregnancy!

@CandKS I lost my mom to cancer too I was having a hard time recently bc one of my best friends is throwing me a baby shower but I know my mom would've loved to have been a part of that. And it is hard hearing about some friends who have their family so close that they can be with their kids whenever they are needed. I like the idea of praying for them together at night. I plan to have pictures of them in his nursery so he gets to know them as much as possible. My hubs and I are trying to come up with a middle name that would represent them...still in the works Thank you for responding and understanding. Also wishing you a happy and healthy 2nd pregnancy!

fragglemom · September 2015

My parents are still with us. However, my husband's parents are both gone. I never met my mil and my fil was in declining health when I joined the family so I never really got to know either of them. That's the hardest part for me and will be the hardest part for our son. I've started to ask my husband's family to write a letter to our baby with their favorite memories of them so I can read them to him like bedtime stories.
I guess that's my suggestion to you. Maybe you can start writing down your favorite memories about your parents to share with your son. Just because he won't meet them doesn't mean he can't know them through you and everyone who loved them. We did this with our young cousin who was born after our grandfather died. From a very young age she could identify him through pictures and knew so many of his stories.

holidayemma · September 2015

I'm so sorry to hear you have lost both parents. I lost my father to cancer too 10 years ago but I am so lucky to still have my mum.

I was going to use my fathers name as a middle name if we were having a boy (my sister did this with my nephew) but we are having a girl. Instead we are going to honour my husbands grandmother whose death had such an affect on him and I'm happy with that.

I feel for you with the shower as my fathers friend was at my wedding a couple of years ago and he said some really sweet words to me about how proud he would be and I LOST IT. Immediate hysterical tears. Of course I had been thinking of him all day and you know it was good to let it out - though I think the friend was a little embarrassed. I'm sure she will be struggling about how to approach you/ the shower too.

Remember your child will know your parents through the stories you tell and the photos you show - they won't be a memory but they will be very present through you... My baby will know all about Grandad.

X

roziek · September 2015

@jessfragione Sorry to hear about your loss too I absolutely love the idea of having my family write letters/notes of their favorite memories with my parents...thanks for such a great idea! Hope you have a great rest of your pregnancy!

@holidayemma Cancer sure does suck doesn't it?! Sorry for your loss as well It's true that our baby will not have memories of my parents but through countless stories and by looking at his face I'm sure I'll see them through his eyes. Thanks for responding and hope you have a great rest of your pregnancy as well!

ChrissyD1203 · September 2015

I lost my grandmother who was very close to me 2 years ago, I realize this is obviously different than losing both parents, and I am so sorry for your losses. My grandmother was obsessed with my niece who she got to spend years 1-3 with and I'm sad my daughter won't get that. Anyway to keep my niece's memory of her alive (my niece is now 5), they say a prayer about her each night, always tell different stories about her and show pictures. My niece talks about her all the time, just like she is another member of our family who she sees all the time.

Katty422 · September 2015

Your parents are there watching over you. The baby boy you have in you they already know and love. They are with you two in spirit. Your not alone!

roziek · September 2015

@ChrissyD1203 tanks for your reply and sorry for you loss. I agree by telling him lots of stories and through pictures we will do our best to keep them in his thoughts everyday.
@katty422 thanks for your kind words...I pray that you are right

Hope you both continue to have a great pregnancy!

charliesmommy6 · September 2015

Aw this post made me so sad! I'm so sorry for your loss! Also a FTM and I lost my mom to cancer (agree with PP Cancer sucks!) only a few months ago. Luckily I still have my dad, but he is not exactly good/comfortable with babies (he swears my mom didn't even let him hold me or my siblings when we were babies because she never wanted to put us down) and also he is still struggling with losing her so he's not much help. I know how you feel, since my anatomy scan I've missed her even more maybe because the reality of having my baby not know her is more real.

I guess since my loss is so recent I have no advice but my thoughts and prayers are definitely with you, I can't imagine losing both parents! Good luck to you and just hang in there! Hope your baby boy is wonderful and reflects both of your parents in some way

jem8407 · September 2015

@roziek I can relate. Some days are harder than others. I lost my Mom three years ago unexpectedly and my Dad was traumatically brain injured a year and a half later.
Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday so I have been a little sad about that. I think of how happy she would be with another granddaughter and how she would want to be here.
Know that your parents are always there and that it is ok to feel awful and miss them. Sending you love.

roziek · September 2015

@AmandaMisch really sorry to hear about your mom

will they find a cure for cancer already??? Yeah, it was prob after my anatomy scan too that reality really set in and things became so much more real. Wish you luck as well throughout the rest of your pregnancy...it's not an easy road but hopefully our babies will help us through the process! Thanks for your reply

@jem8407 I'm so sorry to hear about your parents...def not an easy situation to deal with

happy birthday to your mom up in heaven! Thanks for your kind words and I hope that your baby too will bring you so much happiness

mamakculb · September 2015

This definitely hits home to me. I lost my mom 6 years ago and never knew my father so I've always kind of felt like an orphan. My hubby has a huge family that all live close and it does get hard sometimes. We are planning to give my little girl my mother's middle name, and that makes me happy. It's hard going through these big life events without parents.

My advice would be to just do what you're doing. Talk about them. With your husband, with a friend, whoever. When your son is older tell him about them and recreate some of your childhood memories with him. It's okay to be sad and reminisce sometimes, just don't drown in it. Keep their memory alive and let your son see that love in you.

I hope your pregnancy continues to go well and that you think about how much your parents would've loved snuggling that precious baby boy. It'll make you tear up and cry but you only miss them so badly because they were wonderful parents who you loved so much. So be that kind of momma to that sweet baby boy

mamakculb · September 2015

I hope that all made sense...it's late, I'm tired and this post made me all emotional, haha

MamaHolland · September 2015

My husband lost both of his parents at a young age and my mom passed away when I was 19. My dad lives across the country. We miss them & wish we could be sharing this with them. We are both first time parents. Being pregnant makes us think about them more. We just wish they could have experienced this with us. And it makes us thankful to them for life as we think about them being in our same positions when they were pregnant with us.

apinkpelican · September 2015

I honestly can't imagine and am so sorry for your loss. Your parents will be there with you in those wee hours of the night and always.

claireloSC · September 2015

Check out the book Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman. I'm reading it now and it feels very relatable to me. It's about navigating new motherhood without your own mother and how that can bring up that loss a lot for you. I know it has for me. Good luck and good vibes your way.

ETA: She has another book too which is more generalized to mother loss rather than through the lens of parenting. Not sure which would be more helpful.

thegingeravenger · September 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandfather, who was more like a father to me, passed away in 2012 and it absolutely gutted me. It's not 100% certain yet we're doing it yet, but one of the naming options is to use my grandpa's name as LO's middle name. He meant the world to me, I'd love to honor him, and my SO is completely on board.

I sometimes "talk" to my grandpa - especially now with baby on the way. Sometimes out loud, sometimes just in my head. I'm undecided on my views of the after life, but thinking that he may be able to hear me really does help me cope. And now I'm crying. Hugs to you!

roziek · September 2015

@kristanoah thanks for the advice. It's true, my parents were awesome and I cant wait to share the stories and pictures with him. I know there are many tears to come but hopefully more happy than sad. Thanks for your reply & yes it made complete sense

@mamaholland It's true, I think being a ftm makes things harder. Def makes me thankful for everything they did for me and I can't wait to do the same with my hubby for our baby boy! Thanks for your response!

@claireloSC Good to know, thanks. I will have to go to the book store to check out that book! Glad it's been helping you...

@thegingeravenger I do similar things like "talk" out loud (when no one is around) or simply in my head and I agree it helps. I feel like I'm being heard...at least I hope it's the case. I'm sorry for your loss as well.

Ladies, thank you all so much for responding to my post. It's amazing that there are people around in this world that are genuinely sweet even if you we don't know each other personally. We all deal with different things and it's nice to know that we were all able to relate in such a way. Thanks again to you all and I really hope that the rest of your pregnancies go smooth and you all have healthy babies that give you so much love!!!

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