My husband cheated on me, I'm a blur

Exsequoryingyang · September 2015

My husband of 7 years (we dated 4 years prior to that) told me on Labor Day (while I was pregnant at 27 weeks) that he went "a couple of times" to a "happy ending" massage place where he "just got a handjob". He said that he was "glad to let me know because it's not cheating" since it was just a handjob after the massage. Now, the reason he told me this is because $60 went missing from our account and confronted him. I'm a psychiatry resident and had been at work on an overnight call that night, and that's when it last happened.

I felt like I shattered into a thousand pieces. I ran out of the house, and in the process ran into my father (who was returning from work- my parents own a two family home and we are renting the first floor apartment). He asked me what was wrong and if he cheated on me, and said he's noticed my husband leaving just about every time I'm on an a call. I ended up telling my dad the truth and then I drove off for an hour. When I came back I told my husband he has an hour to pack and leave and he left within the hour.

After he left he changed the story. He said he had only said that because he "it's not cheating" and he didn't want to upset me. He said "the truth" was that he was buying some woman drinks. He then said that I rushed into telling my parents and didn't let him explained, and that he want me to take him back. He started calling/texting every few minutes until I blocked him. Then he showed up drunk at my parents (I am staying with them) and the next morning at my job with flowers (where I promptly kicked him out after yelling at him in an isolated corner of the hospital). He re-admitted the original story at that time but by that afternoon changed the story again: now he took some "fat" woman client drinking at a wine bar trying to open an account "for us and the baby".

This is not the first time he's done something. 6months into our marriage he took a woman out on a date while I was going through a difficult time in med school. I found out around our 1 year anniversary when I by chance read his email, but forgave him after a week because he promised nothing happened, And I couldn't prove it. Now he says that the reason he "lied" and told me the first story was because he knew how upset I would be if he had gone out on another date, but that "five minutes later" I told the family and he was kicked out. He is begging me not to leave him, that he needs me, blah blah fucking blah.

Everything inside me says to leave him. I deserve better and my baby girl shouldn't have to learn that his disrespect is normal from a husband. I'm afraid that she might grow up to marry a man like him or worst. But I still miss the bastard, and part of me wants to believe the better lie and stay for the sake of my baby so she doesn't grow up with divorced parents and without a father.

He was kind and loving in many ways, but he always places his needs first. He's barely pampered me during my pregnancy, we had a fight when I didn't want to go to his pick of a restaurant few months ago when we went out even though I told him I was having a craving. I do think he loves me but he does not respect me or value me. It hurts that he has destroyed all the wonderful family moments we could have had.

I'm so hurt and confused. In what world is a handjob not cheating? Did I rush into telling my family/ kicking him out? Or am I correct and should I just start the divorce proceedings and get rid of the bastard? And more importantly what's best for my baby: growing up in a two parent household where her father has cheated and she'll have to spend her growing years watching how her father does not respect and does not value his mother; or raising my child on my own and having her grow up in a broken household after a divorce?

I am so confused. I'm so heartbroken. I'm so mad and disappointed. I'm scared about having to raise a child on my own. I am terrified that he might have given me an STD if more happened (thankfully I have my OB appointment next week). I horrified that this happened now, to me, while I am pregnant and we were supposed to be happy that we are starting a family. And I just feel so lost. So very, very lost

I'm sorry to damper the day of everyone that reads this with my story, but I just feel so lost

sbodman82 · September 2015

Its never just a handjob.... Its sad but you do not deserve that lack of respect and loyalty. You are pregnant and needed his support. Im sorry this happened to you

yankeebabeme · September 2015

You did the right thing. You have to look out for yourself and DD. I would actually call dr office and try to get earlier appt. you're first instinct was correct. Don't let him doubt that. You deserved to be loved and pampered and every craving satisfied

ErinKimm · September 2015

This is terrible! If he can't even be honest and get his story straight I'd be really concerned about what else he is lying and/or not tell you about. I personally think it's more important for a child to grow up in a loving home vs a home with two parents if those parents can't get along, fight, cheat, ect....it's more important to set a good example for you child as to what a healthy relationship looks like and you WILL eventually find that. As for raising your baby on your own...it sounds like you have good family support and with your parents so close will have plenty of love and support for you and your baby.

Stellasmom13 · September 2015

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. None of us can tell you what to do except give our humble opinion. It's been my experience that someone who repeatedly lies/cheats has a character flaw and will definitely keep doing those things. I was previously married and he had a perpetual problem with lying (about everything) and eventually cheated. Although that was difficult, I've never felt such relief by cutting him out of my life. A literal weight was lifted off my shoulders and I was free to take back my life and focus on my myself without wondering what he's lying about now. I know having children involved creates a different dynamic, however, you and your daughter deserve so much better! I would encourage you to seek wise council, pray about your decision and get a plan in place. He has proven that he will indeed have indiscretions in the future so the way I see it, you will probably be in this exact same spot later with him unfortunately. If it were me, I would be done with him and focus on making an amazing life for yourself and your daughter. You have a chance to take your life back!

Court11152325 · September 2015

This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation. I hope that you pursue individual counseling and encourage him to do the same. If you want to try to work it out with him again, I do hope you seek out a marriage counselor. DH and I had a rough year in 2014 and went to both individual and marriage counseling and it was amazing for us as people and for our marriage.

At the very least, though, I hope you can get help with counseling.

nz113 · September 2015

I am so sorry this happened to you. While I can't tell you yes or no what to do, I hope I can offer some consolation. My dad cheated on my mom and she ended up leaving him. I grew up in a divorced household. While it was very difficult, I think my mom made the right decision. She showed me to never accept that its okay for a man to treat you that way and to always believe that I deserve better. I married a man who is the complete opposite of my father. I don't know if that would have been the case otherwise. I'll pray for you that you're able to make the best decision for you and your daughter, whatever that may be.

kmwz · September 2015

I wish I had advice that I could give you but if I were in this situation I would feel the same way. I'm sure you'll do what's best for you and your baby girl. I think it would be better to have one wonderful parent vs two parents who can't seem to get along.

Peanut1128 · September 2015

I am so sorry that you are going through this while you are pregnant. I hope you have a good support system around you. I can't imagine how surreal and awful it would feel to hear news like that. I can't say for sure what I would do but I think a separation is a good start. If you truly believe he can change and is committed to being a more and honest and truth worthy person, you could try counseling. Whatever you do, it's your decision and you need to do what you feel is best for you and your daughter.

ToneGirl · September 2015

Many hugs to you!!! I've been there! My ex husband cheated on me with a co worker when our son was just under 2 years old. In our case though I didn't really have to make a decision bc he left me for her but I won't have taken him back anyway. Cheating to me is a deal breaker! I will never forgive that and live with someone the rest of my life that I can't trust. My son is doing very well in a divorced family. I'm remarried to a wonderful man and my son gained step brothers who he loves so much!! It's better to raise your child in a loving home...I didn't want my son to see his father and I fighting all the time and just not happy. My ex and I do get along now for the sake of my son and he has no problems. If you're not happy, your child won't be!!! I knew getting divorced was for the best in the long run. Divorce was hard...not going to lie! Worst thing I ever went through but I'm so happy now and my son is happy and that's all that matters. Hang in there. I know it's hard!

nik6499 · September 2015

Take a step back, take a deep breath and ask yourself what you truly want to do here. Do you believe this will continue, is this the relationship you want? Once you answer these questions you can begin to work through what you want to do next. Right now this needs to be about what is best for you, and what you want. It's not fair, and it sucks. No one should be put in this situation, especially not pregnant.

ACarter0914 · September 2015

AWFUL! My stomach was in knots reading this. I went through "kind of" the same thing my first pregnancy. I wasn't married but pretty close. He was cheating, lying, everything under the sun. I left him shortly after my daughter was born. I met my husband about 6 months after that.

You really need to ask yourself if you love him. Not like I love him because he's the father of my child the real, true, honest love where I can't imagine my life without him. Is this something that's going to keep happening? Can you handle it if he does? Do you want your daughter to see this growing up? I come from a divorced family. My mom played two roles all my life. It was court ordered that I see my dad every other weekend and shortly after my 18th birthday he stopped communicating. I was an adult and I didn't need him anymore in his eyes. Can you play two roles for your daughter? It sounds like you have an amazing support system with your parents next door and I definitely don't think it was to early to tell them. The first thing I would have done is called my mom.

Try counseling, take a break from each other, put pregnancy hormones to the side and really really think about your decision. Is he the person you want to spend the rest of your life with or do you feel like you deserve better?

NJPita22 · September 2015

I think you answered your own question in your question. You don't want your daughter with someone like him... and there's your answer.

Also, I just read this to my husband. He said many many things but a few of them are, your parents said he goes out when you are on a call every time first alert (plus your dad probably is trying to tell you something without hurting you)..... Secondly, men don't tell you what really happened without first feeling you out by saying "handjob" etc and especially if he can't stick to his story, he's most definitely lying.... And after many other things he concluded with, you took him back the first time (which he can guarantee more happened and/or he wanted more to happen) and he knows it sucks but if you take him back again you're telling him he can get away with it and he will never respect you enough to not cheat again he'll know he can get away with it and it will never end.

Truth be told, I think it'll be hard but divorcing him now before the baby comes will prob be easier and best for everyone involved. Your daughter will never know any different and can be showered with love from you and your parents. It seems you have a great support system already in place by sharing a 2 family with your parents and you seem to be in a stable place. I know you're a resident but soon you'll be done and have a great job, a supportive perfect place to live that your child can come home and be home AND with loving grandparents almost in her own home but still separate so you don't go insane...

angetralala · September 2015

I think you already know the answer you're seeking. Your post communicates all the telltale language - you call him a bastard, for starters, and 'everything inside of you' is telling you to leave him. And he is a bastard. You know this. It's not even like this was a one-time thing, and he only told you a story - any story - because he got caught. Whichever lie it is, both are completely unacceptable.

I agree with PP that you have a great support system with your parents close by. Now is the time to lean on them and take space from your husband. You don't want your child to grow up with a mother constantly suspicious of the father, and rightly so.

mbecca11 · September 2015

No woman, especially a pregnant woman, deserves to be cheated on by her boyfriend/husband/significant other/etc. I can't even begin to imagine how this must be for you. I am truly sorry that you have to be in this position.

I know you said you two have been together for a while, and if after all these years he is still cheating and lying to you, I think it would be best to cut ties with him. I agree with PP, having one loving parent is better than having two in an unhealthy relationship. Your daughter deserves to grow up knowing that it isn't okay for men to disrespect women that way. She needs to know what not to look for in a man when the time comes for her.

Also, you need to take into consideration your health through this whole situation. Stress is never good for you or for your baby; it can cause so many health issues, and can send mothers into premature labor. And the last thing you need is the health of you and your baby to be compromised.

I think you were right in going to your parents, and it sounds like they are an amazing support system for you. I would suggest what PP did and seek out a counselor, individually and for both you and your husband. Best of luck to you, and I hope everything works out ❤

Exsequoryingyang · September 2015

Thank you everyone. All your posts have been immensely helpful. I truly cherish the fact that so many of you have shared your own stories, they truly touched my heart and are helping clear this fog in my logic. I do still have to think, but as PP have noted, I know deep down I do already have my decision. I am going to go on Monday to get tested at my OB, I tried going last Tuesday (day after I found out) but I couldn't muster the energy or courage. My regularly scheduled f/u is Wednesday so hopefully I'll have the results by then. And I can't help crying a lot, but I'm trying my best to not get too emotional because the baby does begin moving around like crazy when I do. I have thought about the effects of stress and cortisol and know it may result in a miscarriage or premature birth, and that is the last thing I want for my baby.

meansallison · September 2015

You deserve better, your daughter deserves better and your parents deserve better. I am so very sorry this has happened to you.

weasleyB5 · September 2015

Leave him. You are right, you don't want your daughter growing up with that example. You will never be truly happy always wondering what he's up to. It's not fair to you or your daughter. You deserve to be happy and one day you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated! Sorry you had to go through this -- especially while pregnant!!

Melissadmag · September 2015

I am so sorry this happened to you. Betrayal is absolutely devastating during normal times, let alone while pregnant. Only you can decide what to do. Something I suggest doing is going somewhere by yourself for a day or two. It can be a park you enjoy, the mountains, a lake, whatever place you can think of that is a favorite of yours that brings you serenity and peace, and that you always enjoy. Spend the day disconnected, do not talk to your friends, your parents, to your husband, not to anyone. Talk to yourself and have a genuine heart to heart with yourself about what you want. Don't go directly into thinking about all of this though, you need to clear your head for a bit. Bring a picnic of your favorite foods and just allow yourself to enjoy some peaceful alone time. Once you feel more centered try to think clearly and logically about your life, your baby's, and what you want for the two of you, and don't allow the emotions, wants, or advice of anyone else to interfere with your decision making. Hope this helps, and good luck! Trust that you know what's best for you and follow your gut!

Merroneymaria · September 2015

I wanted to offer you my support at this terrible and unfair time for you. You have already received excellent advice from other women and I would only add that despite me wanting you to kick this man out of your life immediately, you do have time to make final decisions which you can talk over with your family and friends thoroughly first. You will come through this, your daughter will be loved, happy and settled and you will go on to have wonderful relationships in your future. Wishing you the very best. X

susiaustin · September 2015

Cheating is a big no no. I know couples who have worked it out, but I also know that it puts a strain on a marriage and changes thing. The spouse who cheated has to be willing to open up and tell EVERYTHING that the spouse that has questions on before anything can move forward. He's lying which is a BIG BIG DEAL. I completely understand and think your right to want to leave. The friends/family members relationship was never the same after they cheated. A few of them are still married, and are actually happy, but I see the doubt and the issues. I know that in order to begin healing, you have to be a 1,000% open and honest and the ability to have their privacy completely gone in order to make it work, and he's not even willing to tell you the truth. Your daughter will be fine, she will grow up seeing mom left because she is strong and she shouldn't tollerate anything.

amye02 · September 2015

Trust your intuition, if it's happened before...it will happen again. My ex husband cheated, I learned that the story he admitted to was "played down" when I did some digging I found the truth was souch worse. Is that the kind of man you want? A man who will cheat on his pregnant wife is not a good role model for your role model for your daughter, however a strong mommy who is not going to let a man walk all over her is a great role model for any little girl. I wish you the very best, it sounds like you have a great support system in your parents..

Ken122014 · September 2015

Honestly, to me, at this point I'm more concerned about the lying. It sounds like his story changed at least 3 times? If he had stuck to the hand job story and it could be proved "that's all" it was, and he agreed to go to counseling and work things out, then I'd say go with your heart and if you want to work things out, work things out. But if he can't stick to one story then you have no reason to believe any story he told you. In my opinion, a "broken household" is "no big deal" anymore. I put nbd in quotes, because I know it's horribly hard and never what you expected, but research shows it's better for your child to be a child of divorce than to be a child of a marriage that is unhealthy and full of lies. As your husband and father of your child, I think it wouldn't be horrible to sit down with him and try to have a rational discussion to try to get the truth out of him, but it just doesn't seem like it'll even be possible to get the truth at this point, because you've already had so many stories told to you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's so stressful and it won't be easy, but do what's right for you and your little girl.

Hoppyhead · September 2015

Just here to pile on with a hug.

ashleyboyd124 · September 2015

I'm going through basically the same thing with my boyfriend. he was great all through our relationship and my pregnancy. he was way more excited to find out that I was pregnant than I was. I thought everything was perfect but then he started to not come home and he said he was "just with his guy friends" which I didn't know if I believed then I found out he was talking to other girls. he swears he never did anything besides talk to them and said he really wanted to work things out but he has continued doing the same things. he won't answer his phone and won't come home and won't even tell me. I'm done and over it. I kicked him out and told him I didn't want him to come back. it hurts because he was so great at one point and now he's a completely different person. even though he has completely broken my heart I still want to be with him and hope he changes but he hasn't even talked to me since yesterday so he obviously doesn't care. if he can prove himself then I'll consider being back with him but he's going to have to do a lot for that to happen. I'm not really sure what to do either I'm just going day by day right now and trying to stay strong for my baby girl.

Exsequoryingyang · September 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through that now. As I wrote above, my husband did exactly the same thing that you are going through when we were married for six months. Now, 6 years later, here I am again and in a worst situation. Back then I also shared your same thoughts and feelings, and a small part of me today does want him back. But as I said above, a bigger, deeper part of me knows that he'll do it again, I don't deserve this, and neither do you. I don't know what we are going decide and what exactly is going to happen. But as PP wrote we will be ok. Maybe even better than that. And our baby girls will hopefully learn from our example, and it's better for them to learn that this is not how women should be treated, especially when pregnant.

ashleyboyd124 · September 2015

I agree. I believe that time will help and I'll find someone to treat me and my baby girl great. my baby will either see me be strong alone or see a great relationship bc one day someone will love us like we deserve.

leeleepi · September 2015

I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?

Exsequoryingyang · September 2015

It was really difficult to leave him then. He was more than amazing when we we were dating, and I was so young that I fell deeply in love. I did try leaving him. But at that time I needed him and loved him more than my logic allowed me to think. Plus, (while this may just be an excuse) I found out 6 months after it happened, he swore it was nothing more than a date once, and I couldn't prove otherwise. Plus our romance had been so beautiful, our families have very traditional Catholic traditions and encouraged me to take him back, and he seemed so remorseful that both sides of the family and I gave him a second chance. There were a lot of other factors and events that played into it. And you are right, I now wish I wouldn't have trusted him again. But he changed a lot after that first indiscretion and we were in such a good place until I got pregnant. Then he started again to regress to the way he behaved around the time we got just married and it culminated in what he did now. But now things are so different and he used up his second chance.

leeleepi · September 2015

Exsequoryingyang said:
It was really difficult to leave him then. He was more than amazing when we we were dating, and I was so young that I fell deeply in love. I did try leaving him. But at that time I needed him and loved him more than my logic allowed me to think. Plus, (while this may just be an excuse) I found out 6 months after it happened, he swore it was nothing more than a date once, and I couldn't prove otherwise. Plus our romance had been so beautiful, our families have very traditional Catholic traditions and encouraged me to take him back, and he seemed so remorseful that both sides of the family and I gave him a second chance. There were a lot of other factors and events that played into it. And you are right, I now wish I wouldn't have trusted him again. But he changed a lot after that first indiscretion and we were in such a good place until I got pregnant. Then he started again to regress to the way he behaved around the time we got just married and it culminated in what he did now. But now things are so different and he used up his second chance.

You unfortunately gave him a pass and now your child will be raised with a cheating father who has no regard for women/ the sanctity of marriage / or family values. Unfortunately, this could have all been prevented if you believed him the first time he showed his true colors. Now you have two choices - stay with him for 18 years and don't make any more kids and always wear a condom so he doesn't bring you home an std OR you can leave him but then you will have no control over what other woman he runs through your child's life and what they are exposed to when you aren't there.

Beckah31 · September 2015

leeleepi said:
I'm confused... He did all this awful and shady stuff before you were pregnant and you still decided to go on and make children with him and bring them into this situation?

Six years ago is a long dang time so maybe lay off OP for trying to make her very young marriage work in the face of adversity.
OP, all I can offer are Internet ️hugs and to say how amazing it is to see your strength in seeing you do the right thing to set an example for your baby girl. The damage this man has done to you and your marriage is inexcusable. Be strong, mama. You've got this for you and for baby girl.

Exsequoryingyang · September 2015

Thank you. I am trying my best to set things right. And while OP noted that my child may be exposed to hardship, I really did not plan this situation and definitely did not expect it. Plus I waited a long time to start a family with him for that same reason. And like I said before, we were in such a great place together that I felt safe to start a family with him. Now my child is keeping me strong and I will do everything in my power to protect her. We are born to suffer in one way or another, and I know I cannot protect her from everything but I will try. And (while this may be selfish) I am so happy that at least I will have her in my life after waisting a third of my life with that man. I cannot dwell in the past now, it's not useful or helpful. I know I made mistakes, he definitely made mistakes. But it is in the past and the only thing I can control now is the future.

Exsequoryingyang · September 2015

Additionally @leeleepi I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be

groovylocks · September 2015

It's not about the handjob, actually. It's about how it was likely a lot more than that.

Beckah31 · September 2015

Exsequoryingyang said:
I will never regret or allow myself to be made to feel regret for becoming impregnated with my baby girl. No matter what happens. She is now my reason to be

She is a gift. A demonstration that we experience painful things in life, but that good will always work its way through. :x

kaitykins · September 2015

I am sorry this is happening to you right now. My one piece of advice is go to family counseling before you make and decisions. Even if you do end up ending your marriage, having gone through counseling together to get to that point might make it easier and help in sorting out everything emotionally. (((Hug))))

Cmagno · September 2015

Just adding big hugs and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Your daughter is lucky she's going to have such a strong role model to look up to, really!

A close friend of mine went through something similar when she was pregnant. He promised to change and did for awhile but she had to leave him after their son was 12 months old and that was so hard. She says she wishes she had made the hard decisions and big changes while pregnant, just because she hated putting her son through any of it.

I hope you are able to find some peace, hugs!

Ken122014 · September 2015

I agree with @kbirchtree about the counseling, regardless of the final decision.

@leeleepi, I hope you never make a mistake in your life if you don't believe In second chances.

YouHadMeAtMeatTornado · September 2015

leeleepi said:

You unfortunately gave him a pass and now your child will be raised with a cheating father who has no regard for women/ the sanctity of marriage / or family values. Unfortunately, this could have all been prevented if you believed him the first time he showed his true colors. Now you have two choices - stay with him for 18 years and don't make any more kids and always wear a condom so he doesn't bring you home an std OR you can leave him but then you will have no control over what other woman he runs through your child's life and what they are exposed to when you aren't there.

I'm sorry, but this has got to be THE LEAST helpful comment I've ever read in all my years on TB. This isn't snark. I love snark. This isn't "advice." I love sarcastic advice. This is you telling a woman who's obviously heartbroken and going through one of the most difficult times of her life that she made a bad decision marrying her husband, and that she and her unborn child are doomed to a miserable life because YOU think "this all could have been prevented" if only OP was more like you.

This is just mean. I'm all for snark and drama and general bump entertainment, but this is just you being cruel for the sake of being controversial. Gross.

OP, sorry @leeleepi was THIS mean to you. Don't let someone who just loves voicing her own opinion make you feel guilty for marrying your husband six years ago. The only one who can make this decision is you.

Exsequoryingyang · September 2015

Thank you ladies, especially @Starfish51886. I was a bit disturbed by that last comment. And I appreciate everyone's suggestions, but I'm just not sure how family counseling will help in this situation. It will likely just be a waste of time, and may weaken my resolve to get out of this situation. I'll consider it, he's definitely asking for it (and told me he is going to therapy). I just feel like these are character flaws in him that, while I am sure he'll change in time, it will probably take months if not years to fix. And that's if he actually sticks to it. Last time stuff happened 6 months ago he swore he would go, but after I took him back he he never got around to scheduling the appointment, and when I did he have a bunch of excuses (plus I was in med school at the time and was studying for an exam) so we never went. Plus, like I said, we were fine until I got pregnant. I think he cannot handle change.

nik6499 · September 2015

Do what is right for you. He already made his choices, the ones that matter now are what you want.

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