Very Hypothetical Question — The Bump
Attachment Parenting

Very Hypothetical Question

What would you do if someone spanked or hit your child.  Just curious.  I have my reasons for asking.  This hasn't happened, just wondering how you'd handle it.  I'm not talking like at daycare or something, I'm talking about with you there.

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Re: Very Hypothetical Question

  • What an interesting question. I'd go nuts on someone if they hit my kid. I don't agree with spanking and I certainly don't want  anyone hitting MY kid.

     

    YogaSandy
  • Right,  like would you call the police?  Would they do anything?

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  • Have you been watching The Slap? I haven't seen this show, but a friend told me about it because of something I was processing. 
    I won't speak to calling the police, as there are too many variables. But, as for approach in a "grey area" situation (one-time issue, normally non-aggressive person who lost temper out-of-character, etc.) : remove child from the situation. Stay calm as parent's retaliation might be more traumatizing than the event itself. Set some serious boundaries with the relationship. Talk (not email, though phone may be needed if the parent feels unsafe) to the person to work through the issue after enough time has passed to be able to old a reasonably calm conversation (without the child present) to assess if the relationship can continue or not and within what parameters. Have more conversations as needed (again, without the child present). If the child is of an age to process what has happened, there may need to be some conversations about their comfort level with the other person. If the relationship will continue, take things slow--mutually agreeable short get-togethers, optimally in a public place where the aggressor has no power over the situation but is there simply to build the relationship and parent will always be present and have the upper-hand in the situation. Re-asses as time goes on and the relationship improves or doesn't. Involve professional mediation help if needed/desired.
  • My MIL smacked DD1 lightly on the bottom because she was rattling the screen door. She was under 2 I think.

    I was on my way to remove DD from the door, because although I didn't think her behaviour was a big deal, I heard MIL tell her to stop, and could hear her continuing, so I was on my way to back MIL up.  I was about 3 steps away and saying to DD that she'd been told to stop, when MIL smacked her.

    I just told her not to hit DD. She started to say she hadn't. So I just eye-balled her and repeated, "do not smack her." Then I focused on DD and told her that she wasn't to rattle the door, and that she needed to listen to MIL, and explained that the rattling was noisy, and she could damage the door (I guessed that was MIL's concern, although again she was never going to break it, and it wasn't that noisy, but it's someone else's house so their rules.)

    Internally I was super pissed that MIL smacked her when I was clearly on my way to deal with my child, and that then she tried to lie about it when I'd seen it with my own two eyes.

    But that's a part of the reason I have never left my children unsupervised with MIL.. I've left them inside with her while I'm in the garden but she's never babysat them. She got whiney about it once via SIL, and DH and I just ignored it. if I don't trust you with my child then you don't get to look after them, the end.
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    Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
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    DidiVaioChiccoBeanzIzziesAKOL0
  • If it was a gentle spank on the bottom intended as discipline, I would tell the person very clearly that that is not okay with me ever, and then make a point to never leave them alone with my child. If it was like a vicious aggressive hit, I have no idea what my mom instincts would do at the time under that adrenaline spell, but I would likely call the police if nothing else to make to clear how serious the matter was, and then have no contact with that person ever again.
    DidiVaio
  • Thanks guys.  I was just kind of curious.  Mostly my pregnancy hormones kind of has me worked up.  My mil is an evil woman and she was physically, mentally and verbally abusive to her own children.  We visit her house once a week (mainly for fil).  No time whatsoever are my children alone with her.  You can tell she doesn't really like them and gets upset when they touch her stuff and constantly tells them no about everything.  Can't stand the woman, but anyway.  There will never be a time when she will ever be left alone with her, but sometimes if she is in the kitchen they'll run in too.  Anytime they get out of sight I follow, but I'm just paranoid she'll hit one of them even if I'm there.  Like I said, mainly hormones have me nuts right now.  I doubt she ever would because she is a coward.

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  • @Elizabeth043086 It sounds like she doesn't like children in her house. Some people are like that. Can you just invite them to your house instead once a week, so she won't be so worried about your kids being kids?
  • dufferoo said:

    @Elizabeth043086 It sounds like she doesn't like children in her house. Some people are like that. Can you just invite them to your house instead once a week, so she won't be so worried about your kids being kids?

    I've mentioned this, but dh likes to take the boys there because they have a farm and it's fun for them to experience that.  Yeah truth is though, she doesn't really like anyone, children or anyone but herself.  But even when they are at our house she is saying no about everything and I'm like SHUT UP don't care.  Like on Christmas day they were at our house and we got the boys some markers and they were flailing around like 2 and 3 year olds and getting a few marks on our 25 dollar dark brown couch lol and they were losing markers in the couch and rolling under them and she was trying to corral the markers and make the boys not be wild with them and I'm like Christmas day, their markers WHO CARES?  I'll clean up later. 

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  • I worry about this with my MIL.  She is so concerned that I won't discipline my son.  First off, he's not even a year yet. Second, that's MY concern not hers.  I know DH has the patience of a saint, so I can't see him getting mad enough to spank/swat LO and I hope I never get to that point, as I'd rather explain, redirect, or take privileges away.  If another adult EVER made my kid feel physically threatened or hit them...I'd probably lose my crap on that person, remove LO from the situation and calmly explain that what that person did was so wrong and he isn't to let people treat him like that no matter how angry they get. Not okay.
    Egg Retrieval - Feb. 2013 -> OHSS.  FET#1 - June 2013(failed). FET#2 - October 2013(success!) Griffin Alistair: 6#10oz 20" long, born 6/19/14 @ 4:04am
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    [Deleted User]
  • Well, in general I would be very outraged, but how I would handle it would depend on a lot of different factors:

    --is the other person a relative? a friend of the family? a random adult in a public place?
    --what did my kid do that caused the person to react by spanking my child? (not that this makes it okay for someone to spank my child, but it might change how I reacted.)
    --how is my child reacting to being spanked? (i.e., will witnessing me go off on the spanker actually be more traumatic than the spanking?)

    In essence, if my own Dad was hanging out with my kids, and one of them was really jazzed up and did something naughty after several warnings, and my dad reacted with a brisk swat on the butt, I'd probably say something later about how we don't spank and he can always ask for my help if the kids are misbehaving.  I would also talk to my child about the misbehavior and come up with some kind of consequence that is more common in my nuclear family.

    If I had my kids at a public park and there was an altercation between my kid and another random kid over a piece of playground equipment that resulted in the parent of the other kid spanking MY kid... I'm not sure how bonkers I might get.  I might even call 911. 

    Fortunately, my kids have lived to the ripe old age of 10 and 14 and we've never even come close to anything like this.
    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
    DidiVaio
  • kmwlkmwl
    100 Love Its 10 Comments Photogenic Name Dropper
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    I was spanked as a child for discipline and while I don't think it damaged me, I will be choosing a different method with mine on the way.
    But I understand that to tell my parents not to swat my kids could cause tension. They might see it as me saying they did wrong raising me. My parents are and have always been wonderful. And they don't always see that changing ways doesn't mean they as parents were horrible.
  • WDDCHWDDCH
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers Name Dropper
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    edited April 2015
    One time at the store a stranger shoved my shopping cart out of his way. First, it had a child sitting in it. Second he hit my other child in the chest because she was standing behind the cart. At first I didn't know what was going on. I thought he was about to TAKE the cart but he was just impatient and didn't use his words to say "excuse me". I was in checkout and my cart was unknowingly in his way. He shoved my cart out of his way, taking my son (who was in the cart) a few feet away from me.

    My reaction: I yelled at him for the whole store to hear as he ran off. Told him to never ever touch a cart that had a child in it and that he should have excused himself and allowed me to move it. I didn't know he hit my daughter in the chest with the cart until after he fled in embarrassment. He scared my kids! And me! I was livid and shaking and honestly my first reaction was he was taking my kid! I should've called the cops or security but he left so fast.

    Not exactly the same thing as spanking. But wanted to give an example of momma bear reacting to a stranger hurting her child. You will react, believe me.
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  • kmwl said:

    I was spanked as a child for discipline and while I don't think it damaged me, I will be choosing a different method with mine on the way.
    But I understand that to tell my parents not to swat my kids could cause tension. They might see it as me saying they did wrong raising me. My parents are and have always been wonderful. And they don't always see that changing ways doesn't mean they as parents were horrible.

    I was also spanked as a child but I would never think that my parents would spank my kids because they are MY kids and it's simply not their place to discipline them in that way.  Just like growing up my grandparents never ever spanked us even though my parents were spanked.  If my parents or inlaws ever spanked my kids I would definitely be having a serious discussion with them. 
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  • kmwl said:

    I was spanked as a child for discipline and while I don't think it damaged me, I will be choosing a different method with mine on the way.
    But I understand that to tell my parents not to swat my kids could cause tension. They might see it as me saying they did wrong raising me. My parents are and have always been wonderful. And they don't always see that changing ways doesn't mean they as parents were horrible.

    I was also spanked as a child but I would never think that my parents would spank my kids because they are MY kids and it's simply not their place to discipline them in that way.  Just like growing up my grandparents never ever spanked us even though my parents were spanked.  If my parents or inlaws ever spanked my kids I would definitely be having a serious discussion with them. 
    Well see, getting spanked I think is one thing, but my mil did not just spank her kids, she abused them, so I wouldn't tolerate so much as a swat from her because I know the hate she has in her heart.  She would NOT be doing it for the right reasons.  She likes to prey on weaker people and she's a sicko.  Some of the things my dh has told me would make your hear stand on ends, the things she has done and the things she scared him with and threatened him with.  Lots of verbal and emotional abuse over bedwetting and the list goes on. 

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  • For me it would depend on if I was around and if my child deserved.
    I am not under the illusion that my daughter will always be an angel. I have no doubt she is going to mouth off. And if she does so to a stranger and is being a rude brat AND if I was around to discipline her... than yes. Pop her in the butt. If she is a teen... slap her.

    8m not saying that I want a stranger to hit or beat my daughter but if she is being a bully on the playground or at school or somewhere else than the supervising adult is at liberty to do what he/she feels is necessary
  • Lala+1Lala+1
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    Wow.. I didn't realize it was okay to physically assault someone because they are younger than you.
    janat1717lynnernondoodleoodle
  • What do you all expect the police to do when you call 911?
  • I would totally lose it I think. And @ kellihowes, if the situation warranted a police call, it would be for assault and I would expect the person who got physical with my child to be removed. If the situation warranted that, you bet your bottom dollar I'd be pressing charges too.
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