Possibly Controversial: Second babies

fIowerchild · January 2009

So I work full time and my son is in a daycare center (there are 200 kids there). I see many, many parents dropping off and picking up each day.

My observations:

Parents with one child usually carry that child in and out, even if they are older (not an infant or toddler). They are talking with the child, engaging them in conversation about their day, giving kisses, etc. Generally looking like they love their baby and are happy to be with them.

Parents with 2+ children: Carry the younger child (not talking to them at all), and nag at the older child / children to 'hurry up, come on, don't do this or that'. The older child is dragging behind, looking dejected and the parent looks frazzled and annoyed.

This isn't restricted just to my daycare experience. I see it in Target, the grocery, etc.

I have hesitation about having a second baby almost 100% because of these observations. What happens to these parents between #1 and #2 and is it avoidable? I am not perfect by any stretch so I might just turn into this kind of parent.

WDYT? What are your experiences?

ABMcKinney · January 2009

I think the best thing you can give your child is a sibling, but I fully respect that some people only want one kid.

fIowerchild · January 2009

Wanted to add:

I realize 'what happens' to these parents. They are tired, frazzled, have too much on their plate, etc. But IMO, that doesn't make it ok.

luciagdelopez · January 2009

I honestly think it varies with each parent. We were six kids and I never felt neglected. I was the 5th child. Some parents maybe just need a time out before they go get their kids from day care. Maybe parents w 2 kids have more stress i.e. bills, time management, less free time and that is what leads to their impatient behavior. Then again I have seen parents of 1 child act just as bad. so, as long as your are conscious of your behavior, then you can be just as loving to 2 or 10 kids as you are to just 1.

KittenGator · January 2009

This is a very interesting observation! I realize that I have seen this as well. I want 2 or 3 kids so I'll just have to remember this when I have the second one!

Hayden'sMommy · January 2009

I teach pre-k and have many parents with younger kids and have never experienced parents behaving like that. The parents I see every day are very happy to see the older kids at the end of the day.

CFO · January 2009

I think its the nature of the beast...and why single kids are more spoiled/coddled on average. The nagging and dejection just prepares the kids for real life. :shrug:

Toni1019 · January 2009

Things like that are avoidable. I will say that I do the nagging for DS to hurry up, mostly because carrying DS#2 wears me out, hes heavy and now I have a big belly in my way. I dont pick DS#1 up from school or anything, but if I did, I would use the car ride home for conversation.

Balancing more than one child can be difficult but you find what works for you. I love having more than one child.

MandC17 · January 2009

I have no experience with it as DH and I are both only children. We are both very happy with that fact and it's making us lean towards not having another. I know that if we do have another it will be a long time from now.

fIowerchild · January 2009

ABMcKinney:
I think the best thing you can give your child is a sibling, but I fully respect that some people only want one kid.

While I understand your point, I think the 'best' thing anyone can give a child is a loving, understanding, stress-free upbringing where they are made to feel loved and valued, not a nuisance. These kids I see are being treated as if they are a nuisance.

babynorthrip · January 2009

I think it is avoidable. IMO it has to do with how you handle stress and the level of patience that a person has.

mrs_harper · January 2009

Growing up, my mom was one of the parents you are describing in the second scenario. I have two sisters, and my mother was always impatient and snappy with us. I think that it all depends on how much effort you put into being a loving parent, or if you would rather just be pissy over your loss of time, extra bills, etc.

Agrippa · January 2009

I agree with you. I am the oldest of 3, and still feel like my parents push me aside so that they can deal with my brothers. I'm expected to help take care of them, instead of just being their sister--and one of my brothers is only 14 months younger than me!

goodtobethelarkster · January 2009

I'm wondering if a lot of what you're observing is situational. It's got to be harder to lug two kids through Target than one. And it's got to be harder to get two kids out of the house on a busy morning than one. So in that moment I can see how parents of 2+ would seem 'less into it' than parents of only children.

I don't think that necessarily means that the parents of 2+ behave like this in every situation, though, if that makes sense. Like perhaps they go home and instead of the only child hanging out alone while the parents make dinner, the siblings romp around the house together and have a great time doing interactive things. I would imagine it's a "trade-off" type of situation.

GM&DG · January 2009

I think it depends on many factors!

kelly&marty · January 2009

ABMcKinney:
I think the best thing you can give your child is a sibling, but I fully respect that some people only want one kid.

That's the best thing? Really?? I thought loving them and raising them to be a good person was the best thing you could do for them. So are you implying that people who chose to only have one child aren't giving their child the best?

middlemarch26 · January 2009

CFO:
The nagging and dejection just prepares the kids for real life. :shrug:

LOL @ this.

jodynjames2005 · January 2009

I see this a lot, too. But I also see it as kids get older even with one child. I think that, for whatever reason, people tend to step it up and parent their infants better than their older kids. You'll see just as many moms of only kids being snippy and unpleasant when the kid is, say, 3. I don't know why that is.

I have my moments, believe me, but generally when we go out as a family (just me and five kids), we all have fun, no one gets yelled at/ignored/dragged around, and it's a nice experience for all of us. My kids absolutely love having siblings, and have never really experienced any jealousy that I can see (and that honestly surprises me). I think it's because I make time for each of them individually, and don't treat any of them like they are more important or special. Of course the girls require more time right now, but the older kids understand that, largely because they are older and SEE how much work babies are lol.

Lastly, judging how parents treat more than one kid by two of the more stressful situations (daycare pick up after a day at work and trips to the store with multiple kids) is probably not the best way to do it. Go to a park on a weekend and see how the parents are interacting with their kids, or visit a library storytime and watch older kids helping little ones, or any of the other million sweet interactions you'll see between parents and multiple kids.

ridesbuttons · January 2009

Flowerchild - I have no idea what it'll be like when number 2 gets here (please come soon!) but I wanted to say that I have the exact same pic of my DS and a box of Kleenex from when he was, oh, about 9 months old or so.

Very, very cute!

lanie26 · January 2009

I am a little amused that your entire philosophy around 2nd children has to do with daycare drop off observation.

Are you serious?

I find that hilarious.

n&bcarlson · January 2009

I think you are looking at some very high stress situations and seeing parents at their worst. I'm not certain that I would base their success as parents of multiple children only on how they react in these high stress public settings. Plus, you're often seeing them at the beginning of their journey as parents of more than 1 kid. They're not exactly perfect at it yet. What happens between #1 and #2 is simple. The stress and pressure more than double. Not only do you have two kids asking for the time that you used to spend with only one, but you have an older child who sometimes decides that the best way to get back 100% of mom and dad's attention is to talk constantly, run in circles, and sometimes inadvertently wander into traffic. My friend had the most calm and serene child, until her sister was born. Over night she became completely hyper, trying to win back the center of attention. It's been a couple of years now and everyone is settled into the routine. They're a lot more calm (parents and kids).

KGsky · January 2009

There was an article in the NYT (I'll try to find it) that talked about a study concluding that only children were much more likely to be labeled "gifted" and mature faster socially due to more time and attention--and more qualitative interaction--with their parents. I think that's a pretty accurate depiction, but it's just a snapshot of going in to daycare, Target, etc... I'm more concerned about the cost of two in daycare, private school, college...must less--3, 4! :S

mavs_mama · January 2009

goodtobethelarkster:

I'm wondering if a lot of what you're observing is situational. It's got to be harder to lug two kids through Target than one. And it's got to be harder to get two kids out of the house on a busy morning than one. So in that moment I can see how parents of 2+ would seem 'less into it' than parents of only children.

I don't think that necessarily means that the parents of 2+ behave like this in every situation, though, if that makes sense. Like perhaps they go home and instead of the only child hanging out alone while the parents make dinner, the siblings romp around the house together and have a great time doing interactive things. I would imagine it's a "trade-off" type of situation.

Amen, sister!!

As a mom of 2 SS and my DS, I can totally tell you how crazy it can be with the 3 of them, especially trying to get everyone ready and out the door. And yes, there are some situations where I have been the "hurry up" nagging mom, but it's totally situational!! Yes, itt's easier to do things when the other boys are at their mom's house and it's just DS and I but it doesn't mean that it's always like that- 95% of the time it's the same way whether I have all 3 or not

fIowerchild · January 2009

lanie26:

I am a little amused that your entire philosophy around 2nd children has to do with daycare drop off observation.

Are you serious?

I find that hilarious.

Yup, totally serious.

LoriFalce · January 2009

I was in an interesting position. I was an only child for a long time, and then I was the oldest of four. And because I was my father's only child, not my mother's, I still had that aspect. I kind of got the best of both.

Being an only child can be really stressful. It's not that you get all this attention, necessarily. It's that you never get a break, and are under a lot of pressure.

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