Absent sex life...

MEMichelson · August 2015

well the title says it all....I don't know the last time we had sex, how sad is that!?! Anyone else dealing with this and what are you doing to get through it. We work different hours so sometimes it is really hard to connect that way and still be awake and then there are times where I'm totally fine with zero sex and then there are times where I'm like 'heck yeah let's do this' and then I lack the motivation. It's getting old and annoying and I'm really irritated with myself about this. But he doesn't seem too interested either....help

Taylovesbrad · August 2015

I basically have to force myself to have sex right now. My lady parts are super sensitive and it feels uncomfortable. Sighh.....

Knottie00954260 · August 2015

I'm right there with you, ladies. Sex is not appealing to me because it hurts and increased discharge grosses me out. I know my Husband wants to have more sex and he is more stressed and feeling insecure about it. But he doesn't push the subject and is understanding. But I know it's negatively impacting our relationship. Good thing this is temporary. I feel bad, though.

RSB1982 · August 2015

I'm finding sex to be uncomfortable too. And not just during the deed but afterwards too. And we used a lot of lube last time too :-< I was thinking of trying a new lube and seeing if that helps.

sjowlien86 · August 2015

I have the same thing, but am not sure about the exact reason... I feel my man is not instigating it, and when I do (although maybe also less than before), he often does not respond much.

On the other hand I am also quite fine with it this way, and when we do, I find it a bit uncomfortable, mostly because I can not seem to find a comfortable position (lube etc is not a problem for me).

caitlyn5454 · August 2015

I'm dealing with a similar thing. I have absolutely no desire for any of it, not even basic cuddling and making out. I'm chalking it up to a combo of being incredibly uncomfortable with things that are happening (increased discharge and the 'down there' swelling hurts like a mofo) and the fact that I'm one of the unlucky ones whose libido doesn't return in the second trimester. At least, that's what I'm telling SO. :-$ I'm just so tired and way too warm lately that even just letting him try to get me in the mood seems like climbing Mount Everest. Unfortunately for him, he is in the mood pretty often and I know it bothers him slightly that it's gone so downhill. Maybe just sit him down sometime when you're both home and discuss it? Could be he thinks you aren't interested ever and doesn't mention it for fear he'll upset you somehow?

4puddleducks · August 2015

With my first pregnancy, DH and I were like bunnies doing it all the time. With this pregnancy, I was nauseous and tired the first trimester. Second trimester, I got a viral illness then DH hurt his back. We have both wanted to have sex, but the timing of both of us being healthy, having the energy and time to have sex has just not happened much this time around.

theebakers3 · August 2015

This might be tmi but I think we've all gone there at some point. I was super excited when I first heard about the possible increase in libido in the second tri and I suppose I can agree with that to some extent but for whatever reason it now takes me even longer to...um...get where I need Togo. It is frustrating enough that I had a piercing go wrong a couple of years back and it's never been the same since but now with the pregnancy has gotten worse. You'd think the increased discharge would help with lubrication but I still feel like it's chafing down there. If I'm really in the mood it requires over an hour of "work" and I usually just end up really frustrated. My DH is a saint for being so patient and is willing to do whatever it takes but I just have no motivation anymore so honestly lately we have been doing the whole "quickie" thing for his sake. He feels bad and says its not necessary but it honestly makes me feel better just to get to be intimate with him without the frustration of me taking forever. Maybe I'm just weird though. Haha who knows.

grkgdss00 · August 2015

I haven't been in the mood much, but when I am, I try to take advantage of it and go after my hubby. I usually take a shower first (so i'm less self-conscious about discharge etc). He definitely won't say no, but he's letting me play the lead cause he knows that i'm not wanting it that often. However, I WILL SAY, when we do it (which has been like once a week for the past few weeks) I love it! It feels great and so glad afterwards. I think the increased blood flow really helps in that regard. I always say, "can we do this again tomorrow" haha

VesperLove · August 2015

I try not to focus on sex. Sex is great but it's also just a way of connecting with your significant other. I try and find other ways to do that with DH so that sex isn't missed. Yes, obviously we would like to be having more sex but we feel just as connected and close as when we are intimate more often. We are spending more time together in the evenings. DH is getting a kick out of feeling baby move which is a very "connecting" experience for us. We're making dinner together, going on walks, just sitting down to talk and spend time together.

Sex isn't happening very often and I'd be lying if I say it isn't missed somewhat but it doesn't feel like that big of a deal because we're still finding ways to be together ... if that makes sense.

mrs14678 · August 2015

My hubby is at the police academy, so he is only home for 2 nights a week. We've tried to do the deed every weekend, but because of his extreme workout schedule at the academy, there's not enough testosterone left to get him to climax, so we usually just cuddle and attempt stuff, only to say "I'm sorry, I just can't get there today! But the cuddling was good!!" Maybe after he is past the truly rigorous part, he will be able to get there.

Also, idk what to do about his breath - I know he's got to see a dentist for $1000+ worth of work, so maybe that isn't helping with the halitosis, but that is a real turn off for me too. Even if he brushes his teeth and rinses with mouthwash, it's still bad.

momotheflyinglemur · August 2015

There are definitely bigger gaps between our "intimate encounters" then before pregnancy. I just don't feel as frisky as often as I used to, even just a couple weeks ago. But after not doing it for a couple of weeks, that first time together again was absolutely amazing. Especially because we talked about how he can still be on top for a little while longer without it affecting me, also my down there region has been smelling different and I didn't think he would enjoy being down there like he used to. He told me that though I smell different I still taste the same, so that is good. :-D

I am okey with going through some dry spells. It is so easy for us to connect in other ways that not having sex for a couple weeks or whatever, doesn't put a damper on either of us.

rdilts · August 2015

I am having some of these same issues. I found out that I was prego the same week my hubby went back to night school. He works during the day (so do I) and then he goes to school at night. I actually am enjoying it because of all of the prego issues that come up such as gas and vomiting. I try to make it a point though to have sex at lease once a week (usually on the weekends). Even if I don't feel like it, I still want him to know that I desire him and love him. Oh and I hate to cuddle right now so that isn't an option for intimacy.

sjowlien86 · August 2015

Oh yeah I recognize the smelling part; my nose is so sensitive since I am pregnant, even if my man is just a little bit sweaty I have the feeling he smells bad which turns me off..

Gingermom15 · August 2015

MEMichelson said:
well the title says it all....I don't know the last time we had sex, how sad is that!?! Anyone else dealing with this and what are you doing to get through it. We work different hours so sometimes it is really hard to connect that way and still be awake and then there are times where I'm totally fine with zero sex and then there are times where I'm like 'heck yeah let's do this' and then I lack the motivation. It's getting old and annoying and I'm really irritated with myself about this. But he doesn't seem too interested either....help

Are one of you in bed by the time the other gets home from work? That is how our schedules coincide and we were only having sex once every couple of weeks if that. Once we found what worked for us lube wise, because I was very dry and swollen, I started texting him to get him hyped up for when he got home and gave him instructions to wake me up. Since I wake up at 4 am, I am in bed by 8:30. He gets home at 11:30, I still got to sleep and not be exhausted and it helped with the little dry spell we fell into. I feel it helps us grow closer as well, we never see each other during the week and only every other weekend. He sure appreciated it even though he rarely instigates now that I'm pregnant, which I believe is more out of respect in his mind because he knows how uncomfortable I can get with this baby growing.

ETA I still got him hyped up even if I didn't feel like it before I went to sleep. I know if he woke me up really nice I would likely be ready after getting a little rest.

Taylovesbrad · August 2015

Yeah pps extra lube doesn't even help! I have actually wanted to snuggle alot more with my hubby. Being pregnant has brought us closer together... I already feel like we are more of a team. Can't wait for good sex and feeling sex again!

KristaJ4 · August 2015

We kind of went through a phase like this as well. Neither one of us were initiating it and when I brought it up, he stated that he never knows when I feel well enough or am not too exhausted to have sex. I never turn him down so I explained that I'd really like him to start initiating it more. (Before pregnancy we'd been having sex 3-4 times a week for 7 years. After I got pregnant, we were going up to 2 weeks without it). I think it's just the stress of his new job, buying a new house, new baby on the way. We've just had different priorities. At first it hurt my feelings a little that he wasn't initiating or acting interested but after talking about it, I felt better. Communication is key. Hang in there ladies! Oh and ps. Lube DEFINTELY helped me. It wasn't feeling good the past 2 times we'd had sex bc I feel so swollen and dry down there but lube took care of it and got is back on track.

bmrsnrally · August 2015

My DH & I also have conflicting schedules & never seem to have sex anymore. I'll admit our relationship has had its better days in general so that could be part of why neither of us really seems to ever be in the mood lately. It's really bad though & I know it only makes our relationship even worse since we aren't ever connecting like that. At 22 weeks pregnant I honestly think we've only done it 3, maybe 4 times since we found out I was pregnant. We were doing it about once a week in the past. It makes me pretty sad now honestly.

miss08lisa · August 2015

So glad this thread exists. I hate feeling undesirable and tried to bring it up before but was only met with frustration. He says my pregnancy becoming physical makes him nervous. I am doing my best to leave the pressure behind and hope things change on their own.

cassmommie · August 2015

From what I learned in a podcast I heard by Dan savage, is that sex doesn't have to be vaginal penetration at all. It can be oral sex or a simple hand job, just for him to know that you care and you are still into him, even when you don't feel like it a spontaneous hand or blow job will make all the difference in both parties mood. Right now for me I've been able to have sex maybe two or three times a week but in the first three months I could not stay well long enough to even hope to get in the mood, but if I knew he was going to masterbate I helped him out (in a position I'm comfortable in) I'm not saying it's 100% but any intimacy is better than non. And if he seems like he doesn't want it, talk to him. He may just be hiding it because he doesn't want you to feel like he only wants sex from you. Just a thought. ☺️

lalg28 · August 2015

My DH travels a lot but even when he's home I just feel self conscious. Like I'm so fat, my nipples look and feel weird and I have all this gross discharge. But I do it anyway and when I do it feels nice, it's just a matter of convincing myself it's worth it.

Knottie67744546 · August 2015

I do get dry as well but I usually put a cold towel on my parts afterwards (I dont like Lube...tooo gooey of a feeling down there..lol maybe im weird) I havent found a decent sex position yet and me and hubby usually dont get home until 7:30 pm. He works 11 hr days and I work 10 days. Also we are both in school on top of working Mon-Sat 8am-7pm. So other than being exhausted we manage to fit it in 2x a week. But I'm really turned off when hubby starts getting so burned out he doesnt want to take a shower, brush his teeth, or wash his face. Darn it! I'm pregnant!, If I can get through the horrible first trimester and still wash my butt WHY CANT YOU? ....lol its a total turn off.. love him alot...but good hygiene would definately help the mood nowadays. Am I the only one experiencing this with DH?

bresexton · August 2015

No my husband doesnt brush his teeth very often and chews on top of.that!!! We too work the same schedule you do and i am in school. Thing is i dont even want it

wtwrigh · August 2015

I'm glad this thread exists. I've been feeling SO bad bc of how little sex we've had. I find myself wanting sex but I figured out the other day that I actually want the good sex we had before I got pregnant where I could be under him and CLOSE. Now I have to be so far away and on top and it's all so uncomfortable that usually I just want to stop in the middle. But I really miss the way it used to be.

BostonBaby1 · August 2015

ArielleRene said:
My hubby is at the police academy, so he is only home for 2 nights a week. We've tried to do the deed every weekend, but because of his extreme workout schedule at the academy, there's not enough testosterone left to get him to climax, so we usually just cuddle and attempt stuff, only to say "I'm sorry, I just can't get there today! But the cuddling was good!!" Maybe after he is past the truly rigorous part, he will be able to get there.

Also, idk what to do about his breath - I know he's got to see a dentist for $1000+ worth of work, so maybe that isn't helping with the halitosis, but that is a real turn off for me too. Even if he brushes his teeth and rinses with mouthwash, it's still bad.

That's tough... When my Dad was very sick he had some issues with bad breath but it was coming from his stomach. He used to take a spoon and run the side along his tongue maybe a dozen times before mouth wash and rinse the spoon in between each scrape. Maybe your DH can get a cleaning?

*ETA- sorry I have no input about the sex

mrs14678 · August 2015

@BostonBaby1 Unfortunately, he is only home on Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings, so that's not an option til he graduates.

BostonBaby1 · August 2015

ArielleRene said:
@BostonBaby1 Unfortunately, he is only home on Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings, so that's not an option til he graduates.

You guys don't have a dentist near you who has Saturday hours?

karlitrull · August 2015

I just can't do it. There's times in the middle of the night when I get the urge to, but then I think about how messy it will be afterwards, and how much work I'll actually have to put into doing it, and I'm just like "Meh. Forget it." I'm also more partial to missionary than I am anything else, and we can't even do it that way!

Basically, my husband and I have just reserved Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons for hanky panky. That way, he doesn't feel ignored, and he gets what he wants. Heck, we have to start getting on a schedule anyway, might as well start before the baby gets here!

armywife8289 · August 2015

When my husband gets stresses out, mostly crazy life hsppens . I.E, like a child in terrible twos(he's extremely strong willed!!!) , starting your own business, while still working at your regular full time and going to school! Good thing I'm just a stay at home mom. Crazy life. I swear when he was in Iraq, He trained himself to shutdown his need for Sex. And his PTSD tend to appear only then! I knew sex would help and I got testosterone pills for him. I got over the counter stuff from Walmart called ageless male. He takes it once a day instead of twice because he's only 26. Its helped! And not sex like crazy! Tbh with my hormones! I'd love it but its better than none! But its enough to make him subside all the symptoms of PTSD. It helps with his energy too. Helps with the craziness he chose rather me work...good luck!:)

mrs14678 · August 2015

BostonBaby1 said:

ArielleRene said:
@BostonBaby1 Unfortunately, he is only home on Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings, so that's not an option til he graduates.
You guys don't have a dentist near you who has Saturday hours?

Not one that is in our insurance network that we like. We had one, but they were horrible - like I can't even describe all the awful things!

ZoeyRaeJames · August 2015

My SO and I are usually pretty active, to be honest! I have my moments, when I'm too sore down there, and just too drained to do anything at all. But at least he understands.

If no sex time, we make up for it with lots and lots of cuddles! :x

BostonBaby1 · August 2015

ArielleRene said:

BostonBaby1 said:

ArielleRene said:
@BostonBaby1 Unfortunately, he is only home on Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings, so that's not an option til he graduates.
You guys don't have a dentist near you who has Saturday hours?
Not one that is in our insurance network that we like. We had one, but they were horrible - like I can't even describe all the awful things!

Ooh. Sorry! Maybe you could find one driving distance? If not, I'm really sorry about that but definitely try the spoon.

theatrebek · August 2015

My DH and I shower together as often as possible. His schedule changes so often in his job, it's sometimes the only time we get to talk! It helps me with my irrational fear of falling in the shower and hurting LO, and I mean, it helps you get in the mood if you're staring down each others bare nether regions! It may be a strange habit to shower with each other almost daily, but with my low libido, and between aches and pains and heartburn and nausea, this actually seems to be helping us. We still don't have sex as often as he would like, but you've got to start somewhere, right?

suziemejak · August 2015

I'm 26 weeks pregnant and I have only been intimate with my partner once!! I know your pain it's so hard to even think about having sex!!

Gingermom15 · August 2015

BostonBaby1 said:

ArielleRene said:

BostonBaby1 said:

ArielleRene said:
@BostonBaby1 Unfortunately, he is only home on Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings, so that's not an option til he graduates.
You guys don't have a dentist near you who has Saturday hours?
Not one that is in our insurance network that we like. We had one, but they were horrible - like I can't even describe all the awful things!
Ooh. Sorry! Maybe you could find one driving distance? If not, I'm really sorry about that but definitely try the spoon.

Has anyone checked for tonsil stones? Besides gum disease and poor hygiene, that is often the cause and it's very overlooked.

mrs14678 · August 2015

He doesn't have his tonsils anymore.

I think it's probably all the decay, which is super gross. He was estimated to need about $4000 worth of dental work, root canals, fillings, etc. We will take care of it after baby.

HollyHellfire · August 2015

I've been feeling awful because how little physical intimacy I want. Even him trying to kiss on me grosses me out lately. It's just instant grumpy discomfort and IT MAKES NO SENSE! He's hotter than before I got pregnant as he's been eating better and working out. I find him totally sexy but want nothing to do with sex, kissing, anything more than minor cuddling. It's a serious source of stress for me Sucks that others are in the same boat but its a relief to know i'm not alone.

megkoko · September 2015

We're expecting our first and my husband is weird about the idea of having sex most days. His worries are all normal like that he will hurt me or the baby will 'know'. Now that he has felt the baby kick its decrease even more. At first I took it personally due to body changes but now I don't press the issue and just enjoy the times we do have sex. I actually have enjoyed sex more now than pre-pregnancy! We also work different shifts which doesn't help.

MsJeanine625 · September 2015

I feel like this pregnancy is killing our relationship. I admit for a while in the beginning, I didn't have much interest in sex but my libido has definitely picked up during the 2nd trimester. I can't remember the last time we had sex and when I finally asked he told me because I'm high risk for preterm labor, he was concerned about putting me in labour. He wasn't comforted at all by me telling him if there were sex restrictions, the Dr. would say so. Needless to say, he is absolutely refusing and I feel like he's avoiding me most days....we've had some "play time" together but it's few and far in between so although I understand his concerns, I'm just feeling unwanted these days.....

tropicalpeanut · September 2015

Sex has been a touchy subject for us lately. My hubby works out of town so he is away for 16 days and home for 3-5. Only thing is when he is home he has his kids from a previous relationship so it's really hard for us to get any alone time. If we do, it's usually only enough for a quickie but every position is slightly uncomfortable so i usually just get frustrated and end up crying. I feel bad but my hubby is pretty understanding. Then again, if we do get a night alone together I will try to really get us in the mood. I'll get some new sexy lingerie and light candles and stuff and then it seems like he's not interested. I put so much effort into trying to get him in the mood last night because it was our last night together and he was just like "can I finish watching this tv show first?" Grrrr. It's just so annoying because we had such a great sex life before. Hopefully things go back to normal soon because it's putting a strain on our relationship.

stephaniearthurs · September 2015

I have a weird sex drive, it's either everything or nothing! Some nights I would really enjoy sex, but don't actually put the work into it, that's when we do "hand stuff" or "mouth stuff" (this is what my husband says... He's like a child sometimes). Also,(TMI) I have a little vibrator, and it's awesome.

Also, I have been needing extra lube, which is unusual for me, even if we make sure I finish first, so that weirded me out! But even with the extra lube, I still feel uncomfortable after (not during, I'm actually more sensitive during now).

I think if you have open communication with your SO, no/limited sex should be fine! He should understand. Also, a hand job goes a long way!!

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