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December 2015 Moms
YvonneCortana
member
DH caught having sex with other women
YvonneCortana
member
My DH has not had sex with me since 14 weeks, I am almost 25. He has been going out with the "guys" every Saturday night coming home at 6am. He says he is going out now so when the baby comes he doesn't feel the obligation to go out with them because he spent the entire summer going out. He came home today at 6am, but he was acting distant and had condoms in his pocket. He said it was a force of habit from when he would go out, but we have been married for 2 years. I dont know what to think.
Re: DH caught having sex with other women
That being said, it's up to you what you do with that information. I'm sorry your going through this. Before we married, my husband engaged in some "questionable" behavior. We worked through it, but it's a huge risk.
Even if the act didn't happen, carrying 'paraphenelia' when clearly he's not using it with you is at the very least premeditated.
There's an issue in your marriage if he feels the need to go out until 6am without you, and even more of an issue if he feels the need to bring condoms "out of habit". Pregnancy and the idea of becoming a dad can be really scary to men and often times they deal with stress in unconventional ways.
Please get into therapy/counseling ASAP. Find a good, unbiased one.
I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Wishing you the best of luck!
I hate to say this because it's seriously heartbreaking, but him going out every night till 6am will not help when baby comes.
Edited: I wanted to add that the condoms would be my first red flag as there is really no use for them between the 2 of you. And him staying out late and making up an excuse would be my second red flag.
1st. I have a feeling this is mud? Mostly because OP hasn't come back to explain or say anything after mostly very supportive responses. However, it hasn't been up that long so I could be wrong there. If I am wrong...
2nd. Infidelity is obviously horrible in a monogamous relationship. However, first of all, you haven't actually caught him cheating. I've read a few articles about infidelity after this whole Ashley Madison leak. Clearly, there are tons of men and women out there having or interested in having extramarital affairs. Obviously that doesn't make it "ok". But, many of the articles make good sense. As stated before, you have NOT caught him cheating. You found condoms in his wallet, and he has been staying out waaaaay late, but that does not mean he has actually had sex with another woman. You state that the two of you have not had sex for possibly 12 weeks? (I don't remember the exact dates.) why is that? your husband could be very confused right now. He may be thinking about cheating. He may be going to the wrong people for advice. Just because you found condoms, or just because his email came up on Ashley Madison, doesn't mean anything actually happened, it really could be a cry for help for your relationship.
I would suggest not getting a PI, or a lawyer, at this point. I would sit down and talk about your relationship- not about what he's doing outside of your relationship. Talk about your strengths and weaknesses, talk about what you expect from your husband and father of your child, as well as what he expects of you. Ask him about his fears and tell him yours. Go to counseling. Trust your husband. (But get tested for stds and have him do the same- you can trust but you don't want to have something horrible happen because of it.)
Anyways. I'm not saying cheating or affairs are ok AT ALL. And if you actually do catch him cheating, what you do within your relationship is up to you. I just don't think jumping to conclusions and pointing fingers are the right things to do right now.
*ETA- because condoms expire. So it's not like he had them laying around for two years in all likelihood. She could check the expiration date. If they are new, then that's premeditation.
@armywife8289 that was a very difficult read. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. Perhaps shooting 1000 rounds (or more) may not be the best solution for everyone, especially for pregnant women. She's almost 25 weeks so there's a risk for hearing damage in utero with anything larger than a .22 caliber. Exposure to the lead is definitely not a good idea and shooting either inside or without the powder flying in the opposite direction downwind... all of this is an awful idea.
*typo
Also, you asked him about the condoms, and he came up with the excuse that it's a habit. That's bullshit. If a "friend" had given them to him feeling bad that he doesn't get laid, he would have likely told you that.
I agree with PP that you need to ask him to leave for a few days so you can figure out what you want to do.
A (former) friend of mine started his "gotta go out NOW before the baby comes" habit a few years ago. He was super social and used to being able to party it up when he wanted, but pre preg it was with his wife, after she got preg, he needed his "me time"
Fast forward to present day...he's had multiple affairs, went from a guy who never set foot in a strip club to a full on regular. He would snap back into good husband status occasionally but didn't last, and had the same out of control behavior before his 2nd kid was born. He confided in me that it's easier to be on good behavior when his wife isn't pregnant and needed the outlet while she was pregnant. He actually got so deep into this going out lifestyle that he planned a divorce after his 2nd kid was born. Needless to say I've kept my distance from him since hearing all that, and now his wife is in counseling to learn "how to be more attentive and sexual" bc she assumed all the marital problems were her fault (not knowing about the affairs).
Or course this whole post could be MUD but that's my 2 cents. Hopefully my comment helps anyone else with a hubby going mid life crisis mode during pregnancy
Although the line about 'habit' was not good. You don't exactly put them in your pocket after being married for two years..... I would be asking where exactly they came from. Did he buy them when he was out?
You need to discuss it with your husband OP. My husband doesn't go out that much anymore and when he does I normally get a few drunken 'I love you' calls or texts. But we are 30 and boring lol. Does he call or text you when he is out?
It could be completely innocent and this stress will be for nothing. But even if he isn't cheating, you need to tell him this going out every weekend is upsetting you. I'm sure if he is a mature man (fingers crossed) you will be able to come to some sort of compromise. Like a decent curfew. Or once a month. It's not fair that he gets to go out to 'get it out of his system'. It's his child too.
Wishing you all the best!!
You don't trust him because you busted him at least premeditation cheating on you.
And these "friends" might be female "friends."
Find a new place like with family or a new apartment, legally separate from him and take the kids and your stuff with you: if you leave your stuff with him back at the old place he can blackmail you that he'll destroy your stuff out of spite. Same thing with family photographs.
If you stay and make him move out then he might get violent and refuse to leave or worse.
If you tell him that you want him to get tested or see a couples therapist he either might refuse flat out or he might agree but just procrastinate about it hoping that you'll give up and cave in on his running around on you.
If he cared about you then why is he leaving you alone at night in case a burglar broke in? He's out all night like that: he does not care about protecting his own wife and kids.
Protect yourself and your kids first. He's already demonstrated that he wants out and at the same time he's too passive aggressive about being busted and called out for how he wants to be free of responsibility.
Do you want to be dealing with a guy who wants to sleep around on you, disrespecting you and endangering you with STDs and HIV?
You want to be in the hospital dealing with hepatitis or HIV related pneumonia, kicking yourself in hindsight that you should've left him as soon as possible and gotten at least yourself tested?
Let's face it: some guys are just narcissistic and they put on an act that they can only maintain for a few years or months in a relationship before the cracks start showing. Not all guys but a lot. A lot.
Some guys end up becoming really decent ex-husbands because they hated being the husband when they were married but only when their wife took her blinders off and stood up for herself and left him do these guys realize that they messed up.
Like Ben Affleck.
But who else other than Jennifer Garner is making "Jennifer Garner" type of money?
Build up your battle strategy and figure out how you and the kids are going to move out and what you want to take with you and what you're willing to sacrifice in leaving behind.
Where are you going to stay.
And definitely, definitely, absolutely talk to divorce lawyers.
Tell trusted family members what your situation is for your safety.
A lot of women go through this. Especially pregnant women.
Some guys panic at being a dad and try to bail out even if it's like once a week because they feel trapped. It is never the woman's fault and women need to stop blaming themselves whenever they find themselves dealing with a man-child like that.
Some men are men. Some men are always going to be immature little boys, going from relationship to relationship sabotaging their own lives and anyone who tries to "fix" them.
If this isn't MUD and this is his first transgression, I hope that you would consider going to therapy before definitively filing for divorce. Please don't have unprotected sex with him without testing for at least six months though.
Now I definitely agree with you! :x
A lot of us have been very helpful and it's like our advice is failing on deaf ears. Can you please respond, otherwise this just looks like MUD.
Or could have made a oopsies. We don't know what she's going through and even if she's not responding she does deserve support . He could have cancelled wifi or something for all we know or she could be mentally not ok and taking time trying to forget about it . Don't judge just love
MUD stands for made up drama. We have given her advice and support, if you had read through this tread you would have seen that. Her profile says she was last active at 5:46 p.m. It's not hard to simply reply saying thank you for your concerns and advice.
*punctuation