Im so glad there is finally some other opinions being shared! I'm so tired of reading people telling the moms to be that its all about them and they don't have to consider anyone else's feelings! Are you the one delivering? Yes, but at the same time, do you really think you are going to be the only influence on your LO for their whole life? Not a chance! I plan on my family (including in laws) being a large part of DS life... so why wouldn't I want to start to build that bond between them as soon as possible! I have actually told most of my family that I expect to see them at the hospital! My LO will have plenty of time with me... he's mine.... he'll go home with us, live with us etc. I happy to share him with as many people who are going to love and influence his life.... ESPECIALLY the grandma's!
Im so glad there is finally some other opinions being shared! I'm so tired of reading people telling the moms to be that its all about them and they don't have to consider anyone else's feelings! Are you the one delivering? Yes, but at the same time, do you really think you are going to be the only influence on your LO for their whole life? Not a chance! I plan on my family (including in laws) being a large part of DS life... so why wouldn't I want to start to build that bond between them as soon as possible! I have actually told most of my family that I expect to see them at the hospital! My LO will have plenty of time with me... he's mine.... he'll go home with us, live with us etc. I happy to share him with as many people who are going to love and influence his life.... ESPECIALLY the grandma's!
This is a very important topic to me. I agree with everyone who has posted on here...as long as they are applying it only to themselves! If you want both the grandmas in the room with you watching every detail, that's great! Some of us are very private and personal birthers. I'm a very introverted person by nature, and I didn't want anyone to talk to me or touch me. I would have rather given birth by myself in a forest than have a bunch of over-animated people sitting around waiting for the baby to come. I needed to be in a completely stress-free and nearly people-free environment. And because my hospital was fantastic, they left me alone, and my baby came out very fast and with absolutely no complications.
It sounds like your husband is trying his best to be understanding, and that is great. I told my husband that I didn't want him to talk to me at all or try to help me during the birth because that is just the type of person I am. It had nothing to do with whether or not I thought he could support me effectively, and I think he felt better knowing that "it wasn't him, it was me" :-) And he was absolutely fabulous. He just sat by my side the whole time feeding me ice chips. I'm pretty sure he didn't say a single word. It was a perfect experience for me, and once the time came, he was so happy to be relieved of any baby-birthing duties. GOOD LUCK! I hope you guys can work it out.
This is a very important topic to me. I agree with everyone who has posted on here...as long as they are applying it only to themselves! If you want both the grandmas in the room with you watching every detail, that's great! Some of us are very private and personal birthers. I'm a very introverted person by nature, and I didn't want anyone to talk to me or touch me. I would have rather given birth by myself in a forest than have a bunch of over-animated people sitting around waiting for the baby to come. I needed to be in a completely stress-free and nearly people-free environment. And because my hospital was fantastic, they left me alone, and my baby came out very fast and with absolutely no complications.
It sounds like your husband is trying his best to be understanding, and that is great. I told my husband that I didn't want him to talk to me at all or try to help me during the birth because that is just the type of person I am. It had nothing to do with whether or not I thought he could support me effectively, and I think he felt better knowing that "it wasn't him, it was me" :-) And he was absolutely fabulous. He just sat by my side the whole time feeding me ice chips. I'm pretty sure he didn't say a single word. It was a perfect experience for me, and once the time came, he was so happy to be relieved of any baby-birthing duties. GOOD LUCK! I hope you guys can work it out.
This has nothing to do with being there while she delivers.
It absolutely does. Whether grandma is in the next room or she is in the delivery room, she is just sitting there waiting on her daughter in law to give birth and likely requesting updates and generally causing anxiety for the mother who just wants to birth and bond with her baby for a bit before she sees anyone else. It is selfish in my opinion of anyone who is not the mother to demand that their feelings are more important than the mother's mental and emotional state during birth.
It absolutely does. Whether grandma is in the next room or she is in the delivery room, she is just sitting there waiting on her daughter in law to give birth and likely requesting updates and generally causing anxiety for the mother who just wants to birth and bond with her baby for a bit before she sees anyone else. It is selfish in my opinion of anyone who is not the mother to demand that their feelings are more important than the mother's mental and emotional state during birth.
No, I am pretty sure the majority of us are in agreeance that she has the right for MIL to NOT be in the delivery room. We are saying that MIL should be able to visit after OP is settled in postpartum and has done first feedings, and things have settled. Even if it's 12/24 hours PP (if she stayed 48 hours after birth, which is standard here.)
I really don't think anyone here said that MIL should be in delivery room....if she somehow ends up at the hospital, you have the right to tell the nurses no visitors during L&D and they will keep visitors from being on L&D floor. But to completely not allow MIL to visit at all during the stay is where a lot of us are saying is a bit extreme.
Agreed - pretty sure nowhere in this discussion were people talking about during or immediately after the birth.
Honestly, my favorite photos from the hospital include the family. Especially one of my father sitting next to my husband, both looking longingly at my new daughter. (This is the day after she was born, not day of) Those are the ones that will be treasured - only the truly lucky ones will have grandparents in their lives for a long time. Take advantage of the time they are still here.
Also, FWIW, my parents and ILs were both in the waiting room when I started pushing and never once asked for an update, even after hours went by and I was taken to emergency C at 8 pm. I think they got word on us Around 8:30. I'm sure they thought I was dying. Not all grandparents are these fang toothed horrible creatures.
I understand the discussion. My point is that for some people like myself, it causes anxiety to have people fussing over them. It doesn't matter if MIL is in the delivery room or just waiting patiently to see baby after birth/established bonding time. I think it's great that many of you want as many family members around you as possible as soon as possible. I wish I was more like that. But by about 12 hours after birth, I wanted to go home bc there were too many people in and out of my room...and they were all necessary medical staff (we have no family nearby, but I wouldn't have wanted them around either).
Ultimately all I was trying to say is that no mom should be guilted into shortening her initial bonding time with her baby, bc the prospect of that can cause anxiety during birth. As a mother herself, MIL should understand. And if husband has a good relationship with his mom, hopefully he can help ease any potential hurt feelings. The key is def good communication and a united front with hubby. I wish you luck, stephybee!!
I understand the discussion. My point is that for some people like myself, it causes anxiety to have people fussing over them. It doesn't matter if MIL is in the delivery room or just waiting patiently to see baby after birth/established bonding time. I think it's great that many of you want as many family members around you as possible as soon as possible. I wish I was more like that. But by about 12 hours after birth, I wanted to go home bc there were too many people in and out of my room...and they were all necessary medical staff (we have no family nearby, but I wouldn't have wanted them around either).
Ultimately all I was trying to say is that no mom should be guilted into shortening her initial bonding time with her baby, bc the prospect of that can cause anxiety during birth. As a mother herself, MIL should understand. And if husband has a good relationship with his mom, hopefully he can help ease any potential hurt feelings. The key is def good communication and a united front with hubby. I wish you luck, stephybee!!
You have valid points, however that's not the issue presented here. It was positioned as "your mother can't come because I don't like her". not anxiety or not wanting PEOPLE. Just her. And all we're saying that's a textbook way to F up your marriage.
Having someone around that you don't like leads to the anxiety I was describing. But it sounds like we all agree that you need to tread carefully and consider how to manage the situation effectively with your husband! A baby definitely sets the real stage for the MIL relationship into the future. It can be so tricky!!
I understand the discussion. My point is that for some people like myself, it causes anxiety to have people fussing over them. It doesn't matter if MIL is in the delivery room or just waiting patiently to see baby after birth/established bonding time. I think it's great that many of you want as many family members around you as possible as soon as possible. I wish I was more like that. But by about 12 hours after birth, I wanted to go home bc there were too many people in and out of my room...and they were all necessary medical staff (we have no family nearby, but I wouldn't have wanted them around either).
Ultimately all I was trying to say is that no mom should be guilted into shortening her initial bonding time with her baby, bc the prospect of that can cause anxiety during birth. As a mother herself, MIL should understand. And if husband has a good relationship with his mom, hopefully he can help ease any potential hurt feelings. The key is def good communication and a united front with hubby. I wish you luck, stephybee!!
You have valid points, however that's not the issue presented here. It was positioned as "your mother can't come because I don't like her". not anxiety or not wanting PEOPLE. Just her. And all we're saying that's a textbook way to F up your marriage.
It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.
That is fine, however make sure you're prepared to irreparably break your relationship with her, andpotentially your husband. He could resent you for this for a LONG time.
This. It's incredibly selfish IMO and your family isn't pushing you because they obviously know how you are. Your MIL is hoping you'll have a heart and let her visit her new grandchild.
Wait until your child has a child of their own and you are SO excited to be a grandma and then you are told you can't even be in the hospital waiting room. I'd be crushed. But go ahead and tell your MIL to "go have her own baby" if she wants to be excited over yours. Your husband is a pushover if he lets you make the final decision. It's his baby too and personally I respect a man that has a close relationship with his mother and is respectful to her. You are asking him to do the opposite.
And before you report me, I'm just giving my opinion and am not violating the TOU at all.
No, its not selfish. She is having a major medical event and will be trying to recover in thew hospital. She 100% gets to dictate who is infringing on her recovery.
A major medical event? Sure. But you are also bringing a new family member into the world and LOTS of people (friends and family) are going to be over the moon with excitement. If you look at that as "infringing on your recovery" then that's just sad. I look at it as sharing my joy. I've had to 2 kids and that's how it felt for me to share it with my family. But I also allowed my mom to be there when both my kids were born and some people are vehemenently against that so...
Then I guess it's 'just sad' that it happened to me, and happens to a lot of women. I had major blood loss and my son had been born with almost no vital signs whatsoever, and I needed those two precious days to get better. Instead, I let family bombard me in the hospital because I didn't want to be seen as selfish when I what I actually needed was to recover- something I didn't realize until all of this led to PPD and therapy/medication for me. That's awesome if you had it easier and shared your joy, but FFS why is it a problem if a woman needs to have a measly 48 hours to recover?
It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.
That is fine, however make sure you're prepared to irreparably break your relationship with her, andpotentially your husband. He could resent you for this for a LONG time.
This. It's incredibly selfish IMO and your family isn't pushing you because they obviously know how you are. Your MIL is hoping you'll have a heart and let her visit her new grandchild.
Wait until your child has a child of their own and you are SO excited to be a grandma and then you are told you can't even be in the hospital waiting room. I'd be crushed. But go ahead and tell your MIL to "go have her own baby" if she wants to be excited over yours. Your husband is a pushover if he lets you make the final decision. It's his baby too and personally I respect a man that has a close relationship with his mother and is respectful to her. You are asking him to do the opposite.
And before you report me, I'm just giving my opinion and am not violating the TOU at all.
No, its not selfish. She is having a major medical event and will be trying to recover in thew hospital. She 100% gets to dictate who is infringing on her recovery.
A major medical event? Sure. But you are also bringing a new family member into the world and LOTS of people (friends and family) are going to be over the moon with excitement. If you look at that as "infringing on your recovery" then that's just sad. I look at it as sharing my joy. I've had to 2 kids and that's how it felt for me to share it with my family. But I also allowed my mom to be there when both my kids were born and some people are vehemenently against that so...
Then I guess it's 'just sad' that it happened to me, and happens to a lot of women. I had major blood loss and my son had been born with almost no vital signs whatsoever, and I needed those two precious days to get better. Instead, I let family bombard me in the hospital because I didn't want to be seen as selfish when I what I actually needed was to recover- something I didn't realize until all of this led to PPD and therapy/medication for me. That's awesome if you had it easier and shared your joy, but FFS why is it a problem if a woman needs to have a measly 48 hours to recover?
I'm sorry that you had a tough birth and then PPD. The births of my children weren't full of rainbows and sunshine and my recover sure as hell wasn't but this isn't the pain Olympics. You don't have to get defensive and make everyone feel bad for you and what you went through. That's not the point of all this. I'm giving my opinion and you can give yours. You really should calm down.
Birthing a baby is not a spectator sport and no one is entitled to witness this besides you and hubby. Why does everyone else's feelings get to be considered except the one person who matters??? I don't get why anyone feels it's their right to be anywhere near the delivery room when they aren't contributing anything but background noise and taking up space. The baby (God willing) isn't going anywhere so if you can't wait 48 hours to see them at home at least wait until I'm done going thru the most physically traumatizing event in my life! I'm in the hospital for 2 days so if you must see the baby before I get home pick one and come then.
Tell the staff your wishes and let them do the dirty work. And tell your husband to get over it because it's not that serious. Your MIL is not going to die or turn into salt if she doesn't see the baby covered in blood and yuck as soon as they come out.
Birthing a baby is not a spectator sport and no one is entitled to witness this besides you and hubby. Why does everyone else's feelings get to be considered except the one person who matters??? I don't get why anyone feels it's their right to be anywhere near the delivery room when they aren't contributing anything but background noise and taking up space. The baby (God willing) isn't going anywhere so if you can't wait 48 hours to see them at home at least wait until I'm done going thru the most physically traumatizing event in my life! I'm in the hospital for 2 days so if you must see the baby before I get home pick one and come then.
Tell the staff your wishes and let them do the dirty work. And tell your husband to get over it because it's not that serious. Your MIL is not going to die or turn into salt if she doesn't see the baby covered in blood and yuck as soon as they come out.
Nobody has said delivery room.... There are serious reading comprehension problems on this site...
Birthing a baby is not a spectator sport and no one is entitled to witness this besides you and hubby. Why does everyone else's feelings get to be considered except the one person who matters??? I don't get why anyone feels it's their right to be anywhere near the delivery room when they aren't contributing anything but background noise and taking up space. The baby (God willing) isn't going anywhere so if you can't wait 48 hours to see them at home at least wait until I'm done going thru the most physically traumatizing event in my life! I'm in the hospital for 2 days so if you must see the baby before I get home pick one and come then.
Tell the staff your wishes and let them do the dirty work. And tell your husband to get over it because it's not that serious. Your MIL is not going to die or turn into salt if she doesn't see the baby covered in blood and yuck as soon as they come out.
Nobody has said delivery room.... There are serious reading comprehension problems on this site...
Clearly...
From OP:
"...not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!?"
In case that wasn't clear another quote from OP: "...she will still wait in the waiting room incase I change my mind"
If you're going to be snarky make sure you follow your own advice before you comment. That is all.
It really sounds like OP just doesn't like her MIL and is looking to everyone here for back up and something to show her husband and say "see all these women said I was right". If you don't want her there don't tell her you had the baby until you get home, and then have fun trying to make her leave, at least at the hospital nurses can tell her she has to go. But tbh I don't think it would kill you to let her see the baby once you are settled into recovery even if it's for 15 mins. I think your husband will resent you and it will put a dark cloud over the birth of your baby.
I think everyone just needs to calm down, it's HER choice, on HER day, with HER child. She wants quality time with her baby after the birth and she deserves that. It's her baby and her choice. Everyone freaking out about how family is going to be super excited to see her, can get over it. It's about her and her child, not what other people want. They can see the baby when she says so because she's the mom and it's her choice
I think everyone just needs to calm down, it's HER choice, on HER day, with HER child. She wants quality time with her baby after the birth and she deserves that. It's her baby and her choice. Everyone freaking out about how family is going to be super excited to see her, can get over it. It's about her and her child, not what other people want. They can see the baby when she says so because she's the mom and it's her choice
Again, nobody has said otherwise, but we don't live in a bubble. There will be repercussions from choices made. We're just saying font be surprised if it ruins HER marriage. Ps - it's also HIS child!!!!
It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.
That is fine, however make sure you're prepared to irreparably break your relationship with her, andpotentially your husband. He could resent you for this for a LONG time.
This. It's incredibly selfish IMO and your family isn't pushing you because they obviously know how you are. Your MIL is hoping you'll have a heart and let her visit her new grandchild.
Wait until your child has a child of their own and you are SO excited to be a grandma and then you are told you can't even be in the hospital waiting room. I'd be crushed. But go ahead and tell your MIL to "go have her own baby" if she wants to be excited over yours. Your husband is a pushover if he lets you make the final decision. It's his baby too and personally I respect a man that has a close relationship with his mother and is respectful to her. You are asking him to do the opposite.
And before you report me, I'm just giving my opinion and am not violating the TOU at all.
No, its not selfish. She is having a major medical event and will be trying to recover in thew hospital. She 100% gets to dictate who is infringing on her recovery.
A major medical event? Sure. But you are also bringing a new family member into the world and LOTS of people (friends and family) are going to be over the moon with excitement. If you look at that as "infringing on your recovery" then that's just sad. I look at it as sharing my joy. I've had to 2 kids and that's how it felt for me to share it with my family. But I also allowed my mom to be there when both my kids were born and some people are vehemenently against that so...
Then I guess it's 'just sad' that it happened to me, and happens to a lot of women. I had major blood loss and my son had been born with almost no vital signs whatsoever, and I needed those two precious days to get better. Instead, I let family bombard me in the hospital because I didn't want to be seen as selfish when I what I actually needed was to recover- something I didn't realize until all of this led to PPD and therapy/medication for me. That's awesome if you had it easier and shared your joy, but FFS why is it a problem if a woman needs to have a measly 48 hours to recover?
I'm sorry that you had a tough birth and then PPD. The births of my children weren't full of rainbows and sunshine and my recover sure as hell wasn't but this isn't the pain Olympics. You don't have to get defensive and make everyone feel bad for you and what you went through. That's not the point of all this. I'm giving my opinion and you can give yours. You really should calm down.
Woah there, tiger. I don't give two craps what anyone else feels about me- I'm defending the poor girl and all the other people who are going to think that because of broad, sweeping generalizations like yours, their feelings are invalid.
I wish I had a loving MIL to share my joy with. Anyone who does should consider themselves very lucky. Im extremely sorry my husband suffered through an emotionally abusive childhood and truely never had a mom. We haven't spoken to mine in 6 years but believe me when I say that I have some happy memories that are tainted with her and some events she flat out ruined like my husband's graduation. If u have the kind of person in your life that can show up and totally ruin a perfect day don't have them there. Don't spend your life afraid to hurt the feelings of people who hurt yours all the time.
I wish I had a loving MIL to share my joy with. Anyone who does should consider themselves very lucky. Im extremely sorry my husband suffered through an emotionally abusive childhood and truely never had a mom. We haven't spoken to mine in 6 years but believe me when I say that I have some happy memories that are tainted with her and some events she flat out ruined like my husband's graduation. If u have the kind of person in your life that can show up and totally ruin a perfect day don't have them there. Don't spend your life afraid to hurt the feelings of people who hurt yours all the time.
OP do what makes you most comfortable & happy. Being at the hospital is not a right for anyone other the mother giving birth (obviously). Lol. My baby is due in January which is the middle of winter and flu season here & even though the hospital allows a total of 5 people, that can be restricted if there's a bad flu outbreak. In that case, MIL couldn't be there anyway. She is advocating to be there but as a woman she should understand to respect another woman's comfort and privacy. For all we know she didn't have her MIL at the hospital when she delivered either. Whether its your own family or your in laws it's all about the emotional state of the pregnant woman & the health of the baby. This is not her child, it's her grandchild. She had her time to dictate and control her birth scenario and this is your time.
I am due in about a week. I am also a FTM so I know what OP is going through. My fiancée and his mother get along for the sake of my fiancée. Just because I don't agree with a lot of what she does and don't want my baby around it. When I was maybe in my second trimester, I overheard his mother begging him (literally) to be allowed to be in the delivery room. I am a very modest person and think if you haven't seen me exposed; you do not need to. So I told my fiancée he was to tell her no and that was my decision to make. I'm the one having the baby and in my own personal opinion I see no reason why his mom or even my mom need to be present in the delivery room. I am uncomfortable with that and prefer it to be just me and him. It's your choice, but make sure you are comfortable and happy. This time is about you and your bundle of joy!!
I'm grateful to have a father and sister by my side throughout everything. because I could not see myself having my mother in my delivering room or at the hospital when I'm in labor nor could I see my mother in law near my child let me remind you this is my first baby I cannot stand my mother in law and neither my husband stand his own mother. neither my mother nor my husband's mother are welcome to the hospital while I'm in labor. I can see why many women don't want mother in laws at the hospital when delivery and some mother in law can be smother in laws as we like to call them. To all the ladies who do not want their mothers or mother in laws in the room I honestly agree with you I feel that only your husband should be there to share that special moment with you.
I'm having the same issue. I do not want my mil at the hospital at all. If she does invite herself, I don't want her holding our child. I have not talked to her in two years (since she told my husband to have me sign a prenup. When I confronted her about that, she told me that when I have my own kids, I'll understand and want what's best for them. She also told me she watches a lot of tv shoes and they all recommend prenups.... Coming from the lady who's been divorced 3 times.... also, that we shouldn't have kids.) She's a greedy, cold hearted lady. She's never asked one during my pregnancy how the baby was... She had over 7 months so far to ask, why would she start caring when the baby is born?
Re: Not inviting mother in law to hospital
It sounds like your husband is trying his best to be understanding, and that is great. I told my husband that I didn't want him to talk to me at all or try to help me during the birth because that is just the type of person I am. It had nothing to do with whether or not I thought he could support me effectively, and I think he felt better knowing that "it wasn't him, it was me" :-) And he was absolutely fabulous. He just sat by my side the whole time feeding me ice chips. I'm pretty sure he didn't say a single word. It was a perfect experience for me, and once the time came, he was so happy to be relieved of any baby-birthing duties. GOOD LUCK! I hope you guys can work it out.
Ultimately all I was trying to say is that no mom should be guilted into shortening her initial bonding time with her baby, bc the prospect of that can cause anxiety during birth. As a mother herself, MIL should understand. And if husband has a good relationship with his mom, hopefully he can help ease any potential hurt feelings. The key is def good communication and a united front with hubby. I wish you luck, stephybee!!
You have valid points, however that's not the issue presented here. It was positioned as "your mother can't come because I don't like her". not anxiety or not wanting PEOPLE. Just her. And all we're saying that's a textbook way to F up your marriage.
This. This is what bothered me about the post.
Tell the staff your wishes and let them do the dirty work. And tell your husband to get over it because it's not that serious. Your MIL is not going to die or turn into salt if she doesn't see the baby covered in blood and yuck as soon as they come out.
Nobody has said delivery room.... There are serious reading comprehension problems on this site...
Clearly... From OP: "...not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!?" In case that wasn't clear another quote from OP: "...she will still wait in the waiting room incase I change my mind" If you're going to be snarky make sure you follow your own advice before you comment. That is all.
Again, nobody has said otherwise, but we don't live in a bubble. There will be repercussions from choices made. We're just saying font be surprised if it ruins HER marriage. Ps - it's also HIS child!!!!