Let's talk visitors after babies born

mommaSimpkin · August 2015

We're getting closer and closer to our due dates, have any of you thought about it.

How many people you want in the room? Who?

After LO is born are you going to allow visitors?

Personally, I just want DH and my mom in the room. My mom was there for DS #1, and she took the birthing classes with me last time. She was my birthing coach, and I don't think I would have gotten through it without her.
So. I just want her and DH.

After little man is born, (that day or if he's born at night, the following day), the first day he has here, I really only want immediate family. My mom, my dad, DS #1, maybe my brother if he chooses, My MIL, my SIL, her son, and her fiancé.

I don't want a ton of people the first day. I want to enjoy little man and DH, and DS alone together.
I'm probably going to upset a lot of DH's family, but I really just want alone time. I had WAY too many visitors with DS and I barley had any down time.

I don't even plan on telling or announcing to anyone that I'm in labor or had him until the day after he's born.

kyliejoymccoy · August 2015

We won't have any visitors for at least the first day other than our DS and my in-laws. My family lives out of town and I can't handle his family all visiting like they did last time. I was exhausted and want more time for skin to skin, etc.

starree444 · August 2015

Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you see it, we don't have a lot of family in the city where we live. My mom is going to be coming into town so I will definitely have her there.

My husband's family are great people and would be understanding if we wanted a day alone with the new baby before having people come by. But like I said there aren't a lot of people here so I don't think it will be an issue.

Emott13 · August 2015

DH was the only one in the room when I gave birth to DD. Mom, dad, MIL and MIL's husband all were in the waiting room, and allowed in 2 at a time by hospital staff. Moms came first, then the dad and husband. Luckily, the 2-visitor rule kept extended family and family friends away because the moms wanted to be with me the whole time (that was fine with me). It worked wonderfully. I ended up being in the hospital for a week to treat preeclampsia, but had I gone home after the usual 48 hours, you can bet I'd have had no family or family friends at the hospital. Most of my family lives far away, and I gave birth during the week which kept most friends at work, anyway. The situation really regulates itself, I think. Honestly, any friend who assumed they were invited to visit me in the hospital I would find way too forward, anyway. Maybe I'm just lucky, but it seemed to just work itself out.

cawalp · August 2015

As far as labor room, DH only. I don't need my mom or MIL seeing anything they aren't supposed to.
As far as visitors, I have a tough situation because both of our families live on the other side of the country. His family has been very understanding and offered to wait until my family got to visit to come (we only have one spare bed and nobody wants a hotel for a week). My dad offered to get a hotel since he wants to be here for the birth and I feel like I can't say no to him, but if he comes my mom and sister will get jealous and want to be here for the birth too. I'm struggling with how to tell everyone that I just really want some alone time becuse I am a shy person and don't feel like I could succeed in breastfeeding when I have family staying in my house when we are both learning how to do it. DH says it's up to me but he doesn't see why I don't want people here right away.
Honestly, at this point I'm just praying I figure out how to say it nicely before we visit home in September.

Monilee1017 · August 2015

DH is the only one allowed in the room, I am having a c-section, but for the first I told family at delivery DH is the only one I want in the room. My mother and MIL were in the room leading up to the c-section, but they knew they would have to leave and go in waiting room when I was about to deliver. After baby is born anyone can come. For my boys I had my mom, dad, brothers, sister and their spouses, MIL, FIL, some of my cousins, some of DH's cousins, some of my aunts and uncles some of DH's aunts and uncles, both of our grandparents as well as some close friends, and of course DS1 for DS2's birth. My IL's came everyday about three times a day to bring breakfast, lunch and dinner. But this time I will be delivering at a different hospital where a lot of these people don't work so I don't think they will all come and my IL's won't come as often. When I get home anyone can come over that wants.

daninikicoli · August 2015

When my son was born, it was just me and my husband. My parents and sister were there all day just about, they just left the room when it was time to push. My best friends all stopped in through out the day to check on me. After he was born, it was like a party in my room, my best friends all came back plus my husband's best friend came and brought a bottle of champagne for them all to drink. It was great, everyone was so happy.

This time it will, again, just be me and my hubby in the room. I doubt my family will be able to hang out all day with us because now my sister has 2 kids and my parents will have to watch my son. I'm sure everyone will stop in for quick visits. Then after the baby is born, my family and best friends will all come see the baby. Party in my room!

My husband's family doesn't live here so they just make trips at some point to see the baby.

laineylove78 · August 2015

Depending on how I deliver (VBAC or CSection) I'm sure it will be different. Last time my parents, brother, sister, SIL, and cousin waited in the waiting room of the hospital until DD was born. Only DH was with me during labor but after the whole gang came up to see me and DD. They only stayed a half hour max but I was pretty out of it. This time my mom will have to care for DD so that will play into when they come. If it's a scheduled Csection I'll have them come a couple of hours after LO is born so I can nurse etc. If I have a VBAC I'm sure they will all camp out in the waiting room again this time w DD waiting for the grand arrival of LO. I'll keep them down there until after I nurse. Last time it was super late and they had been there all day and I was in recovery for an hour after surgery so they just came on in as soon as I got into the room.

I'm hoping for a little more privacy this time but I have a pretty intrusive family so I'm not putting any stock in that. So long and baby and I make it through safety that's all I really care about.

CaraBoonie · August 2015

I just want DH in the room during labor, but I know if things don't go well I may cry for my mommy, haha. But frankly I plan on going the epidural route so I don't foresee needing talks through the pain, so I should be fine with just DH. I suspect my parents will come as soon as they get the text that she's here (they live about an hour away, so they likely will arrive an hour or two after she's delivered, I don't foresee them waiting for hours in the hospital), which sounds perfect to me, enough time to nurse and clean up before they arrive.

MIL lives 2,000 miles away, so she probably won't visit until a couple weeks later after finding plane tickets and time off etc. I suspect day 1 will just be my parents, who I am extremely close to and don't mind having there. If I'm still in the hospital on day 2, I likely will get a visit from relatives who live nearby, especially one aunt and uncle who are overenthusiastic, lol, but I have NO problem calling them and saying that I need alone time if I'm not feeling up for visitors. Other than my family, I know most friends won't visit for weeks likely because they're spread out all over, and DH's family is primarily his mother and brother who both live in TX (we're in the NYC area). So baby will likely meet most people via Skype before they meet her in person.

l4rk · August 2015

Ugh, this is stressing me out now that I've read all these posts. I actually just want it to be me and SO, and for everyone else to give me space for like a week. But someone will have to look after SS, and I imagine whichever grandparent that is + SS will feel entitled to come visit right away. Not sure how it will all actually play out...

mamakate1616 · August 2015

I am in the no visitors/not sharing that I am even in labor until it's over camp. I am also very shy about people seeing things they shouldn't and would be in rage mode if I felt like I needed to act a certain way. I want to take the Bradley method classes and have as unmedicated a birth as possible but my husband is totally freaked out by the idea and would prefer me to schedule a c section. I sent him some things to read so he can educate himself and we can have a proper conversation about it instead of all the blood draining from his face from fear!

samara267 · August 2015

I'm having a home birth so it will be my husband, the midwives, my doula, my mother (who is also a midwife, though not mine) and my sister if she makes it on time since she lives 5 hours away. Then as soon as I deliver, I'm throwing everyone out but the midwives and my husband for skin to skin and bonding time for at least 2 hours. Then my parents and sister can come back. My in-laws will probably be a few days later since they live in the British Virgin Island.

BabyBump2 · August 2015

I'm all the way across the country from my family so it'll just be my husband. After he's born of course our kids can come and see him! I'm wanting to keep it fairly private, but I know my husbands family won't allow that all the time. We're keeping his name from some people and they're already pissy about it. Oh well.

MommaB16 · August 2015

Ugh I hate this topic : ( for sure just me and the hubs in the delivery room. If it was about what I wanted then we would just have our parents and kids come to see us for a LITTLE bit and that would be it. But we all know for some weird reason it's never about us before, during, or after we give birth! So bring on the visitors and I'm sure I'll unfortunately have a negative vibe about the whole thing. I don't do well around people when I'm sick or hurt, and this will be something I've never experienced.

willashbaby · August 2015

I'm planning on having only DH for the birth, we're doing Bradley so he'll be my labor coach. As long as things are going well I won't mind seeing my Mother after private skin to skin and hopefully the first breast feeding session. I'll allow other visitors (limited) for the remainder of my stay in the hospital. I plan on accomplishing this by simply not announcing the birth until the next day when I'm ready for people to come. The only one who'll know is my Mother. Once I'm home and we're settled in I plan on having "open visit" times when basically anyone can drop by and I'll be ready. I would rather have set times for people to come than be expecting people constantly. My family knows better than to try and pressure me into anything I'm not comfortable with. DHs mother knows especially well

62406 · August 2015

My rule is if you weren't there when the baby was conceived then you won't be in the room when the baby is born. It was just DH and I when DD was born. She was born around 4 in the afternoon and we said no visitors until the next day. It was nice to have a long time just our new little family.
It will be different this time as DD will be with my in-laws and I'll want to see her shortly after depending on what time the baby is born. We are only allowing parents and siblings at the hospital.

mommaSimpkin · August 2015

I'm super close to my mom. Plus she's already seen me give birth to DS. I want her in the room with DH.

Being a STM, I guess I'm not as shy about people seeing things. If they take the chance at being there, then they get to pay the price of seeing stuff happen. Plus I know, that in that moment I will just want baby out. I won't be worried about people seeing things.
But as a STM, I do want more alone time after he's born. I didn't get that with DS. But I want it with this one.

apinkpelican · August 2015

Last time it was just DH for birth and then my parents right after. The next day was crazy overwhelming. My inlawas came, which was fine. But they brought 'Uncle Bob' who I had met once. And they all showed up at the same time as my girlfriends did. I thought I'd be ok with my best girlfriends being there but it was still too much. And I'll never forget the feeling of feeling like I was bleeding out, leaking out, and like I was going to puke with Uncle Bob sitting right across from me.
This time it will JUST be immediate family.
I'd suggest you speak up if you don't want too many people there. You just won't know how you'll be feeling.

mrscammack · August 2015

I told DH I only want him and my mom in the room when I am delivering because I know I wouldn't be comfortable with MIL or other family during the delivery. After baby is born we will restrict visitors to close family, my parents, siblings and grandparents and MIL, FIL and BIL. I don't want cousins, aunts, uncles, friends, etc visiting until baby and I have been home for a few days and my hubby and I have had some quality bonding time before entertaining our entire family. It's our first LO so I really want to enjoy our little family for a few days with minimal intrusion.

kayelah23 · August 2015

With DS i had so many people in and out of my room i got really stressed out and started to get angry and got an epidural to calm down (wanted to do all natural but i was to nice to tell people to go away). At delivery time i only had DH, MIL, and my mom but soon after everyone came back in to see baby but left soon after to give us our time.
This time were having a home birth with just midwife, DH and DS and don't plan on telling anyone until after baby is here and we've had enough time to get situated and relaxed(depending on time of day). I'm praying everything works out the way we want it to this time around and for another short labor

MamaGooGoo · August 2015

Ugh! About 45 minutes after I gave birth (took that long to stitch my vag back together) I had 11 family members in my room. I hadn't even gotten up to pee/have the most horrifying toilet experience of my life yet. I walked to the bathroom in my room and had a trail of blood on the floor for the family to see while they held the baby. It was completely overwhelming and I'm so mad at myself for not letting everyone know what I wanted to happen beforehand. I hadn't really thought about it. I was trying to get baby girl to latch on, meanwhile I've got the family in my face telling me to hold my boob back more so she could breathe. Hello, I know that! Everyone left after about an hour or so and I just bawled. Can you tell I'm bitter about it? This is why with this baby I don't want anyone coming to see the baby until the next day, and by appointment only. I don't care who gets mad.

Ebiejay · August 2015

DH and I in the delivery room, and possibly my MIL (who I get along with like a house on fire), since it would be nice to have someone in the room who knows what's going on and has been there before. My mum is on a different continent so we decided it'll be best if she visits a couple weeks after my due date (to allow for a late baby, and because DH has 2 weeks paternity leave).

Visitors right after birth? Probably nobody. I'm actually sad I won't be able to take baby home to meet my family and DH's family straight away, even if just for an hour or so, everyone is just too far away. So MIL will be staying with us for a few days and it will probably just be us for a while. I'm tempted to say no to friends for the first few days until I feel settled and 'rested' (hahahaha)

essentialpeace · August 2015

DH, sis, mom and my cousin (practically my twin) will be allowed in, but I expect just my DH at actual delivery. I am very concerned about visitors in January. I have a huge family and we are very close. I can't imagine not letting people come in, but thankfully the hospital I am going to is very strict during flu season. If you so much as clear your throat too loud, they suspect illness and you're asked to leave. It kinda takes the pressure off! Plus, no children are allowed on the floor except siblings. B-)

saraawlbr · August 2015

I only want DH there and I'm hoping we can get away with not telling anybody anything until LO has arrived and we've had our time. I suspect this won't go over well with my ILs as my SIL - who has already had three kids - had everyone there from water break to birth including my MIL in the room for one and filming from outside the door for another. They tend to have a hard time understanding that I do things a little differently. Thankfully, DH is completely on my side. Fingers crossed this doesn't cause drama!!

As far as visitors after, I'm hoping that we can be discharged within hours of birth. My midwife says it's possible as long as everything goes well as soon as I can walk to the bathroom on my own then we can go home. So, I'd like to avoid people coming to the hospital and it resulting in us having to stay there longer. Yet another decision I'm sure the ILs won't approve of.

apinkpelican · August 2015

essentialpeace said:

DH, sis, mom and my cousin (practically my twin) will be allowed in, but I expect just my DH at actual delivery. I am very concerned about visitors in January. I have a huge family and we are very close. I can't imagine not letting people come in, but thankfully the hospital I am going to is very strict during flu season. If you so much as clear your throat too loud, they suspect illness and you're asked to leave. It kinda takes the pressure off! Plus, no children are allowed on the floor except siblings. B-)

FLU SEASON! THE BEST EXCUSE FOR NO VISITORS. This just made me excited as you can tell

maureenmce · August 2015

As for the delivery room, DH only! Please! I think my mom may come down for the birth, but she isn't planning on staying with us until at least a month after our little girl is born. (This was her idea, actually, to give us time to get settled and into a routine and I think it's a great idea!) At the month mark, my mom will probably stay for a few days. I think that'll be a good time to allow close friends to come by too.

Since I'm a FTM I really have no idea how it'll all go! Maybe I'll want my mom to come down sooner to help, who knows? My husband's family lives across the country in New Jersey, so I know they're planning on waiting a couple of months after baby is born and then coming out for a couple weeks in the late spring, early summer. My husband has three much younger sisters, so they will all be on spring and then summer break from college and want to visit then.

Question for STMs - when did you start bring your baby out and about to see friends and go places?? I am very inexperienced with newborns and they just seem so tiny and fragile at the beginning - when did you feel comfortable taking them places? I just can't picture in my head when that would be. Thanks!

Monilee1017 · August 2015

@maureenmce My first was born in early January we would have small groups at our house or go to my IL's or my parents. When he was about 4 weeks we took him to a Super Bowl party after that we took him everywhere.

mamakculb · August 2015

With my DS I gave birth at 3am and had just my hubby and MIL in the room with me. We had visitors the whole next day and went home the 2nd day. I'm probably alone in this camp, but I loved having hospital visitors.

For the first month or so after his birth, we had church visitors every 2 or 3 days dropping off meals for us. They usually only stayed for 10-15 minutes to drop the food and say hi to the baby. My MIL stopped by frequently on her way home from work to drop off milk or snacks and say a quick hello. These were welcome visits for me.

What I HATED was when we had extended family come the day we came home from the hospital and bring their 3 kids aged 4-10. They literally drove 6 hours straight to our house and practically expected us to entertain them the rest of the time. They came over everyday that they were in town and would stay for HOURS! They were staying overnight with my MIL, but had the nerve to ask if their kids could stay for a couple weeks with my MIL and spend the day hours while she was working at our house. We quickly told them no, that we didn't want to babysit 8 hours a day with a newborn.

For this baby I think I would be happy to have most of my visitors repeated except for the out of town relatives. Short visits were always sweet and I was so thankful for so many meals and gifts. I may decide to spend the optional extra day in the hospital just to have a little more rest before I'm back home.

Our DS was a summer baby and we took him to church at 3 days old. We didn't take him out of the carrier or leave him in the nursery til he was around a month old. The only place I would take him to and take him out at was at family members' houses.

lwebley · August 2015

We asked that no one, including family) come to the hospital. People were welcome to visit (but not stay with us) as soon as we got home. It actually was less stressful for our families too since both sets live 5-6 hours away

juneandboo · August 2015

FTM here, been thinking about this a lot...I just want DH in the room for delivery. My in-laws and really that whole side of the family is big, chatty and very involved...which is good, but it's such a big moment and crazy adjustment. The thought of everyone being up in our grill moments after giving birth is exhausting. I like the idea of only our parents visiting afterwards, ideally the next day depending on how things go.

missperky · August 2015

With DD I had my 2 sisters, mother, and husband in the L&D with me. During the laboring part I was more annoyed with the world and hating anyone not in pain, able to play on their phones, read a book etc. When it came time to push it was definitely super cool to have all four of them help me push as a ended with an epidural my legs were dead weight. I don't think I've ever felt closer to my mom and sisters than in that moment.

Although all that being said I am glad that this time around will just be me, DH, and the midwife. My mom and dad with be watching DD. One of my sisters lives 8 hours away and the other lives in Germany and due September 18th. I couldn't imagine anyone else coming to visit until were home and they're invited.

christianks104 · August 2015

I guess it probably depends on where you live but the hospital I work at/will be delivering at has had pretty strict visitor restrictions during flu season the past two years and will likely be in place this year. I think last year no one under the age of 18 could even step foot in the hospital (unless they were a patient). And then it was limited to immediate family only as far as visitors. It's probably the one perk I'm seeing as far as delivering in the dead of winter! I don't have to tell people they can't come. The hospital will do it for me! I'm a FTM but i know it was hard last year for moms that had kids at home bc the kids couldn't come meet their new sibling or come see their mom, but they put the restrictions in place for everyone's protection.

As far as labor and delivery, it will just be my DH. I would love for my mom to be there, but my MIL would throw a fit about that not being "fair" and I want to avoid anything like that. Plus my mom has voiced that she thinks it should be just the two of us anyway. (I honestly think she'd love to be there, but is just being awesome and trying to down play it.)

mommiesandbabies · August 2015

Only medical staff and my spouse will attend the birth.

Anyone who wants can visit once we're settled in. I expect it will only be grandparents.

leap_frog · August 2015

My husband will be the only one in the room with me when I deliver.

He is also in charge of calling everyone after I deliver. I don't mind visitors, but my conditions are that my husband stays with me at all times, so that if I get overwhelmed or people extend their welcome he can boot them out. Kinda like a baby bouncer if you will.

I'm the weirdo who prefers visitors at the hospital to visitors at home. I get more weird about visitors at home. I usually use breastfeeding as an excuse to escape.

saraawlbr · August 2015

I'm so happy to see that i'm on the same page as a lot of you when it comes to just DH at the hospital for the birth. Do any STMs have advice on how to ease the drama of sharing this decision with overbearing ILs?

SarahBobbio · August 2015

Only my husband and medical staff will be with us in the hospital. My parents who live 12 hours away will come about a week after he is born so we can settle into our new routine. My husbands parents who live in a different country will come visit a couple months after. We are planning our first trip with the little guy at 5.

CaraBoonie · August 2015

@saraawlbr not a STM, but advice for dealing with people in general? Be strong and put your foot down NOW or it will only get worse later. If it's something you think they'll be babies about and make a big stink about, make DH do it, it's his family and it's his responsibility to keep them in check and protect you from them (they're more forced to keep loving him even if they get in a fight).

mommaSimpkin · August 2015

I completely forgot about the flu season. The hospital won't allow any kids on labor and delivery floor. No one under 18 can visit. Which means DS won't meet his brother for 2 days.

but it can help limit visitors.

mamakculb · August 2015

@saraawlbr My advice for dealing with pushy family or in laws is to let your choices be made known BEFORE you are delivering. Tell them your preferences and expectations ahead of time so everyone knows what to expect. Also, I would say I know many women want their mom more involved than their MIL, which is understandable, you're probably closer with your own mom anyway, but, remember to your children, both of these ladies are grandma. Both of them are having a new grand baby and want to love on them too. Tell MIL you're more comfortable with only your own mom during delivery or whatever, but don't just ignore or exclude MIL from everything. Same thing for grandfathers. Make your boundaries known and be firm, but try to be fair to both sides of the family.

UptownPearl · August 2015

My parents and all my siblings are invited to come to the birthing center, just not the delivery room. They can also all come visit the house after LO arrives as long as they give notice. Absolutely no overnight guests, my mom is the only exception. None of my family members are overbearing or pushy so I'm not really setting rules for them. I feel very lucky I'm not having to deal with that issue because I know a lot of women on here are already getting grief about being in the delivery room and overnight stays that aren't welcomed.

Also, I will probably instruct DH to hold off telling family that I'm in labor. They will show up at the birthing center within minutes of that call and I don't want them sitting there for hours on end for no reason.

babybluu · August 2015

My plan for now is not to announce labor or birth until the day after she is born. Of course we will tell our families and super close friends that I'm in labor, but I don't want anything on social media or anything for the first day, and no pictures until Dh or I can post them. If family comes up from out of state I will definitely let them come visit on the day she's born but just for a little bit. Everyone else can wait until the next day. I also only want Dh in the room with me. My mom wants to be but I really don't know... It makes me uncomfortable.

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