So my family is constantly sending each other in a private group message all these things for the baby that they have bought for me. For example a stroller, car seat, they were even looking at cribs but never once asked me if I liked them. I'm a ftm so I'm crazy right now on what's super safe, what I think is cute etc. & I know there gonna flip out if I say I don't want the items, & that I'm making everything a big deal & all about me. BUT this is MY baby. I appreciate there wanting to help but I rather them go buy some cute clothes then a whole crib and a car seat that isn't to my safety standards. Has anyone else been feeling like people are taking over your pregnancy ?
**Disclaimer** I'm not trying to seem ungrateful as I'm probably seeing from many of the comments they are going to yard sales n buying things already used and half broken saying " duck tape will do the trick " and picking up things that are outside that they find. my family is very thrifty ... I don't mean to seem ungrateful I just wanna make sure everything is kinda new an clean that's all. I don't think it's wrong to have preferences. & mine aren't even outlandish just not something you found driving down the road. So the ungrateful comments are unnecessary! I am extremely grateful to have people who love and support me enough to get me things , because times are tough! I just want my baby to be safe and personally I don't feel like dumpster diving and ever random yard sale we see on our way home from work is gonna work for a bed or bath tub for my baby SORRY if that makes me ungrateful I just wish certain items were newer that's all I was trying to say. & also I enjoy picking things out and wish they let me tag along sometimes
*Disclaimer editing to add pertinent info after the fact is silly.
I'd go buy your own stuff and say thanks but I already bought my own whatever.
So, if it's a problem, then why don't you buy your baby all this stuff before they have a chance to give it to you? Then they have to return it (or get rid of it since you say they're getting the stuff from yard sales and people's tree lawns)???
Once again, this is all within limits. Most things are a-okay used or bought at consignment; some of my best furniture and most expensive still comes from consignment. If you're concerned about safety, do research and check for recalls. Obviously decrepit things are a no go, but I'm assuming that your family isn't buying things that are literally falling apart, but maybe I'm wrong here.
Edit: okay just read your add to the main. Same opinion holds here for me. If it's a crappy unsafe item: don't use it. Google is a wonderful thing:find out the reviews of these items. I genuinely get you wanting to pick things, so at the end of the day decline these gifts if it's that crucial to you, or wait to see if people buy the preferred from the registry. Still though, realize that you might not get a positive reaction.
So, if it's a problem, then why don't you buy your baby all this stuff before they have a chance to give it to you? Then they have to return it (or get rid of it since you say they're getting the stuff from yard sales and people's tree lawns)???
I think since they're sharing the email/facebook whatever thread with her sharing the stuff that they bought they already know that she knows that they bought it for her, so it would be pretty obvious what she's doing. Although she could just lie and say that she bought it before they sent her that info?
I like what @rachswi said about using it as a backup/ for grandma's house and then buying what you want for the main crib etc. That might be a good idea for some stuff and hurt people's feelings less. (Sorry, following this because I have a much smaller but similar potential concern with a friend's hand-me-down, and don't want to hurt feelings).
Bottom line for OP though I think: you can't expect them to buy other things for you instead, just try to figure out what you want to buy yourself and how to not hurt your family's feelings with regards to the gifts you really won't use/aren't safe.
So, if it's a problem, then why don't you buy your baby all this stuff before they have a chance to give it to you? Then they have to return it (or get rid of it since you say they're getting the stuff from yard sales and people's tree lawns)???
I have went out and have been looking for things myself today actually, when my mother called saying she got the crib. I wasn't even thinking of them being from a yard sale or anything till I arrive at her house and see that the crib and baby tub look like they been thru world war 2. I kindly said I appreciate the fact that she did this but the crib doesn't even look safe at this condition & she proceeded to make a big deal about how I'm ungrateful and a lil duck tape will do the trick and if I don't want them in the baby's life to let them no. I just instantly felt overwhelmed and unsure how to get my point across further then I had w/o hurting her feelings.
If it's garage sale finds then I think they should show you a picture and model number first so you can research it. My crib was given to us by people we know and trust and I made sure it wasn't recalled. My daughter's twin bed was a garage sale find of $40 and in great condition so that wasn't concerning.
On another note, your family needs their own reality show - Extreme baby savings!
I think you should just thank them but explain you'd already purchased it new or you would prefer to be the one looking at used items due to safety standards.
Side note. My husband and I bought a crib from a garage sale that was drop side (but otherwise pretty good condition - just some wear and tear nicks that would happen to a new crib just the same). We bought some hardware from ace and made it not drop side by bolting the sides together. We have no qualms with using the crib.
I can understand if something like that makes you nervous - my husband and I are realistic, thrifty, and outweighed the benefits to risks to our crib fix. So if you really don't like the crib, ask your mom to keep it at her house for the baby to stay in overnight there and buy your own. Even if it looks like crap, it'll work for a night here and there.
As with the tub, there's this great thing called soap. Works wonders.
Again. Your kid doesn't need shiny new things. He/she won't notice.
Used things can be nice or can be junk. I received my share of both with DS. Some of the junk item (broken baby seat from the 1950s ) I just tossed and when asked about it I said that I used it a few times and it worked great, bu t then the back broke (white lie). I got a used stroller, which was not really what I wanted but I kept it as a back up and it came in handy a few times. The used car seat I flat out said no to, due to unknown crash history and age. Other used items, so long as I could wash them I used all the time.
They're still gifts, even if they did come from garage sales and they need a little TLC. Doesn't negate the generosity. And they still spent their own personal money on it.
OP you're going to end up hurting their feelings at this point anyway, no matter what you do. If there were things that were bought for you that you had full intentions of buying yourself then go do it, and the other items can be kept as backup or at grandmas house. If these items were things that you were relying on family to buy then you will have to grin and bear it if you don't have the money to buy it yourself. Go through what's been bought and if it meets safety standards and isn't beat up to hell then I say use it. I'm using a crib for my 3rd that has been circulating for 11 years now! We repaired it to make it safer because we really couldn't afford a $400 crib. If you have money for those items then go for it, but in the end you will probably find that they will stop buying so much, and I wouldn't be surprised if you got almost nothing for subsequent children. Just a heads up.
Like I said earlier.. If you want certain shit go get it yourself.. Adding a disclaimer doesn't change the fact that you sound selfish and ungrateful.. People are being nice and buying you big ticket items to save you money.. If you don't like that item then take it to babies r us and return and tell them something was broken in the box or there was a piece missing.. It's not rocket science
I understand your frustration because my dad is big into yard sales and buying stuff on Craigslist. He bought a crib and car seat/ stroller combo without checking with me. BUT it's his first grand baby and he's excited, so I'm grateful. We ended up picking out a crib together (off Craigslist) and that made him happy. As far as the car seat and stroller I suggested it can be my parents to use in their car.
The car seat and stroller were still in the original packaging so I didn't have to worry about it meeting safety standards.
There are always options if you aren't happy with a gifted item.
I'm a lurker, but I'm just curious and a little confused, why are they not asking you for input on these things? I get that they are gifts, but they are gifts for the child you are having. Maybe my family and circle are different, but we ask for Mom's input on these things. Maybe approach the conversation from the place that you'd like to be included on these purchases? That way you and whomever is buying the gift(s) can both be happy. They get to help you and give you a gift, and you get to be included and get what you like/feel is the safest? That's the only thing I can think of here.
As for being ungrateful, I get what PP's re saying and I see how the post comes across that way. I'm not going to agree or disagree on that, but I will say that I think it's all a matter of perspective in this particular case and that everyone has a different background. But to each her own. Hopefully this all works out for you.
My sil tried to gift me a playpen that had been left outside in her back yard for like 3 years. It was snowed on, rained on and everything. I politely declined when she mentioned that it only had a "little mold" on it. Lol.
If these gifted items were in similar condition then I can understand your frustration but there are quite a few things that can be picked up at yard sales that are in great condition! We bought a ton of my daughters clothes from yard sales and a few of her favourite toys as well. We got a huge play kitchen house type of thing with a big bin of play food for 40 bucks! The kitchen alone was a few hundred new.
If I were you I would graciously accept these gifts and if they don't meet your safety standards or they aren't your style or whatever then pass them on to someone in need and purchase your own items.
If it helps I didn't read this as you were being selfish or ungrateful and totally 100% see where you're coming from about other people taking over your pregnancy. Part of being a mum is getting the exciting part of picking all this stuff! Not just being a baby making machine. I'm lucky with y family have offered to pay for things but told me to tell them what I want- so they're still helping out but I'm getting the item/standard that I want for my child and if you're family can't understand that then they're the ones being selfish. My opinion anyway. Just be upfront with tem and tell them you appreciate their help but you don't want 2nd hand and to not be offended if you don't use it.
I wouldn't want my family picking out my stuff either off the side of the road or at yard sales. I'm a little OCD and part of the fun is picking out stuff. Of course we have gotten a lot of free stuff too passed down from friends and are so grateful. My best friend gave us her crib which was practically a brand new $500 crib, her monitor, diaper genie, a bouncy seat, a high chair that will be used at my moms and some toys. Another friend gave us her pack n play. These gifts help out a lot. But it is fun picking out the things you want as well. My MIL bought us a car seat but we picked it out. We will have a mix of hand me downs and new but I totally get where you're coming from of your family just taking over and not asking your opinion.
I really don't see how this is an issue. It's GIFT. If you don't like said gift, accept the gift, thank the gift giver for his/her generosity and then buy something you want with your own money. Use whatever isn't ideal to you as a backup. It's ALWAYS helpful to have extras or backups for vacations, grandma/grandpas house, etc. My SIL had 3 kids before DH and I had our first. She kept telling me not to register for things, because she would just give us hers. I accepted what she gave as I knew she was only trying to be helpful, but I either bought or registered for something I truly wanted and I used her hand me downs as backups. I can guarantee you that they have come in very handy!
So, if it's a problem, then why don't you buy your baby all this stuff before they have a chance to give it to you? Then they have to return it (or get rid of it since you say they're getting the stuff from yard sales and people's tree lawns)???
I have went out and have been looking for things myself today actually, when my mother called saying she got the crib. I wasn't even thinking of them being from a yard sale or anything till I arrive at her house and see that the crib and baby tub look like they been thru world war 2. I kindly said I appreciate the fact that she did this but the crib doesn't even look safe at this condition & she proceeded to make a big deal about how I'm ungrateful and a lil duck tape will do the trick and if I don't want them in the baby's life to let them no. I just instantly felt overwhelmed and unsure how to get my point across further then I had w/o hurting her feelings.
A little duct tape will do the trick??? Oh hell no. I completely get where you are coming from now. I can't believe your mom is telling you to let her know if you don't want her in your baby's life simply because you don't want to accept a crib that sounds really unsafe. That's manipulative garbage that you don't need to put up with. My in laws offered to gift us my husband's old crib, but it was a drop sided crib. I know there are things you can buy to prevent the drop side from dropping, but I have anxiety issues and I knew I just wouldn't be able to relax with my baby in that crib. Probably ridiculous, but I know myself, and just know that I wouldn't feel comfortable. I politely declined and it hasn't been brought up since. And that's exactly how it should be.
So my family is constantly sending each other in a private group message all these things for the baby that they have bought for me. For example a stroller, car seat, they were even looking at cribs but never once asked me if I liked them. I'm a ftm so I'm crazy right now on what's super safe, what I think is cute etc. & I know there gonna flip out if I say I don't want the items, & that I'm making everything a big deal & all about me. BUT this is MY baby. I appreciate there wanting to help but I rather them go buy some cute clothes then a whole crib and a car seat that isn't to my safety standards. Has anyone else been feeling like people are taking over your pregnancy ?
**Disclaimer** I'm not trying to seem ungrateful as I'm probably seeing from many of the comments they are going to yard sales n buying things already used and half broken saying " duck tape will do the trick " and picking up things that are outside that they find. my family is very thrifty ... I don't mean to seem ungrateful I just wanna make sure everything is kinda new an clean that's all. I don't think it's wrong to have preferences. & mine aren't even outlandish just not something you found driving down the road. So the ungrateful comments are unnecessary! I am extremely grateful to have people who love and support me enough to get me things , because times are tough! I just want my baby to be safe and personally I don't feel like dumpster diving and ever random yard sale we see on our way home from work is gonna work for a bed or bath tub for my baby SORRY if that makes me ungrateful I just wish certain items were newer that's all I was trying to say. & also I enjoy picking things out and wish they let me tag along sometimes
As a third time mom here, I was super specific on what I wanted for my first... But in the grand scheme of things, and what I know now -- IT DOESNT MATTER. Who cares if it's not the pattern you liked? Seriously, grow up a little and realize what a blessing your family is to your baby and you/YH.
I can understand what you're saying I have been researching strollers for months and have my eye set on a particular one because of the features. Travel system, rear and front facing, stylish and it would grow with bubba. My husband and i are more then happy to pay the price as it would suit me perfectly! My family asked if i liked another pram (very basic) with none of the features i desire as they want to buy it for me. Im just lucky they asked me first so i could politely decline but they had told me they were going to surprise me with it. I would have been slightly disappointed.
Sorry to steal ur post but I didn't feel like I should make a whole new one for this question.
I'm having an issue with my fiancé where my aunt who had a baby not to long ago is giving us all the things that her son has grown out of. For example clothes, bottles, breast pump, even his car seat. Now we can buy these items. But they are in great condition from someone we know. I have absolutly no problem with hand me downs. I appreciate her giving me all this well taken care of items. Specially since if she wanted to she could just resell it and pocket the items. But my fiancé on the other hand tends to get offended when we get hand me downs for our kids. He feels like it means he's not taking care of his family. Anyone else have a situation like this? And how do u handle it? I appreciate all the help she is giving us and don't want to turn it down or hurt her feelings. But I also don't want to hurt my fiancé's feelings either. I just don't know what to do. Any advice?
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
Ummm... I have to disagree with you here. I'm from the U.S. and never give a gift with an expectation of getting something back. The way I was raised is that you give a gift without selfish intent. You give a gift to aid or put a smile on the face of a loved one. Such a generalization about an entire population is a bit bold...
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
Ummm... I have to disagree with you here. I'm from the U.S. and never give a gift with an expectation of getting something back. The way I was raised is that you give a gift without selfish intent. You give a gift to aid or put a smile on the face of a loved one. Such a generalization about an entire population is a bit bold...
Actually, it isn't really bold at all. It is fairly well documented behavior in the field of Anthropology. We don't act like drama queens and demand reciprocation. But we often subconsciously know we will receive a gift in return at some point. We don't buy a gift and while at the check-out line think about what they now have to get us in return. I don't mean it that way. But say you have a close friend and you buy they a gift for all their birthdays, their wedding shower, their wedding, their baby shower, their baby sprinkle, etc., and when you get to those points in your life they pat you on the back and say congrats. If they are having financial problems then we don't think twice about the lack of gifts. But if they are perfectly capable of reciprocation we generally wonder why they don't value us in the same way we value them. We would start to question whether we perceive our friendship differently then our friend does. Or this: you occasionally buy your friend lunch or coffee, they come over quite a bit and have dinner with you, and then show up and ask if you have food. Generally, we are more than happy to have them there and oblige, but at some point we wonder if they are going to show up with food for us at some point or if they even realize they have reached the stage of "mooching". We love them, so we give them the gift of food without demanding one back. But the relationship isn't equal.
Still very much no to all of this. I don't care what you elect to read on the subject, it is still a bold and incorrect assumption to make on behalf of an entire country. You might feel that way, but I don't. Don't speak on my behalf. I give and don't keep tabs. I don't give with an expectation to receive in return. I don't base any relationship on financial contribution. I value relationships far more than that.
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
No I definitely understand what your saying, and appreciate your response to the situation. I'm also trying to work on my communication when it comes to my family because I know we are all stuck in our ways and I honestly just want to let them no that I am grateful to have them and I do appreciate it all, that I would more just like them to come to me to see what I like as well when it comes to certain things just bc I no we all have different standards and that's completely okay to be different. I never wanted to seem ungrateful I just have trouble breaking down situations w/o sounding some sort of way. But thanks for the long response it really got me thinking and I'm definitely trying to work on communication because its key
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
Ummm... I have to disagree with you here. I'm from the U.S. and never give a gift with an expectation of getting something back. The way I was raised is that you give a gift without selfish intent. You give a gift to aid or put a smile on the face of a loved one. Such a generalization about an entire population is a bit bold...
Actually, it isn't really bold at all. It is fairly well documented behavior in the field of Anthropology. We don't act like drama queens and demand reciprocation. But we often subconsciously know we will receive a gift in return at some point. We don't buy a gift and while at the check-out line think about what they now have to get us in return. I don't mean it that way. But say you have a close friend and you buy they a gift for all their birthdays, their wedding shower, their wedding, their baby shower, their baby sprinkle, etc., and when you get to those points in your life they pat you on the back and say congrats. If they are having financial problems then we don't think twice about the lack of gifts. But if they are perfectly capable of reciprocation we generally wonder why they don't value us in the same way we value them. We would start to question whether we perceive our friendship differently then our friend does. Or this: you occasionally buy your friend lunch or coffee, they come over quite a bit and have dinner with you, and then show up and ask if you have food. Generally, we are more than happy to have them there and oblige, but at some point we wonder if they are going to show up with food for us at some point or if they even realize they have reached the stage of "mooching". We love them, so we give them the gift of food without demanding one back. But the relationship isn't equal.
Still very much no to all of this. I don't care what you elect to read on the subject, it is still a bold and incorrect assumption to make on behalf of an entire country. You might feel that way, but I don't. Don't speak on my behalf. I give and don't keep tabs. I don't give with an expectation to receive in return. I don't base any relationship on financial contribution. I value relationships far more than that.
It isn't something I "read on the subject". I am actually an Anthropologist. I was never assuming to speak for EVERYBODY, but bringing attention to general trends in gift giving that may explain why she is frustrated with her family in a scenario where she is being told to basically shut-up and accept the gifts. She seems to perfectly understand that she is in an awkward position where she needs to be grateful for gifts, but those gifts are turning into burdens.
You also still seem to have a broad misunderstanding that gifts are NOT financial and relationships are not based on financial contribution. Gifts are emotional. They can be cooking for people, showing up for them when they need you, etc.
Did I ever say how you WOULD or SHOULD feel in a scenario? No. Because I am not you and nobody else is either. But you cannot get upset because somebody doesn't qualify everything they say with "but not everybody". It doesn't mean they honestly think everybody is exactly like they described. They are describing general trends within a culture, not every individual in it.
You generalized an entire country. You are trying to use science to justify greediness and that is absurd. Furthermore we are talking about gifts in the context of a baby shower! Your thread is talking about physical object and monetary value so be certain I will respond to that. Maybe read the thread fully before making incorrect and bold assumptions about my opinion on the various forms a gift takes on. Are you a FTM? I can tell you as a mother that I give give gifts (monetary, emotional, etc) everyday to my DS and would never be so absurd as to expect he will reciprocate in the manner you describe - expecting to receive a gift back and all things equal. According to you, if gift giving isn't equal I should question the entire relationship. I give gifts to my nephews and similarly expect nothing in return. Don't mask greed with population studies. It's just irresponsible.
As much as we could study the trends of gift giving, I think it takes this situation to (albeit very) interesting but crazy higher level. It is wonderful to understand the reasons culturally why OP might feel the way she feels or how the communication might alleviate, but at the end of the day this is situation that might not need such a huge breakdown. I'm a mental Heath counselor and behavior specialist, but at the end of the day if I were to break down every situation to the whys and how's and what it could be, situations would be very convoluted and simply tedious in completing. Water boiled down, she either takes the gifts and does what she can or forgos the gifts and does so in such a way that can or cannot further the continual favor of her family. There isn't a wrong answer here of course, she gets what she wants or she figures out a way to be okay with what she gets. People have provided their thoughts and opinions as she asked. Once again interesting, but instead of insight might add some more fog; although the joys of the bump and the online forum, we can go in any direction conversationally and maybe this was exactly what OP needed. Me oh my though, what a very exhausting way to look at things.
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
Ummm... I have to disagree with you here. I'm from the U.S. and never give a gift with an expectation of getting something back. The way I was raised is that you give a gift without selfish intent. You give a gift to aid or put a smile on the face of a loved one. Such a generalization about an entire population is a bit bold...
Actually, it isn't really bold at all. It is fairly well documented behavior in the field of Anthropology. We don't act like drama queens and demand reciprocation. But we often subconsciously know we will receive a gift in return at some point. We don't buy a gift and while at the check-out line think about what they now have to get us in return. I don't mean it that way.
You can view it from the reverse. Somebody buys you a $100 baby gift and they have a baby about 7 months later (this actually happened to me). Do you not feel the desire to give them a gift of equal value back? It doesn't have to be monetary value, but of similar emotional value. That feeling better defines the gift giving culture. We do not reciprocate that gift and think the person is selfish because we give it to them. It is a marker of our co-relationship.
But we also wouldn't respond well if they gave us that $100 gift and then hold us hostage to it. The gift is then tarnished.
Note: I edited this, like, four times to try and get my original meaning across because words are hard and it is a difficult topic to make clear.
Agree a million percent!
Philosophers have questioned whether or not altruism truly exists for hundreds of years. When you give something are you ever truly doing it unselfishly? For some cultures, knowing that you're a good person for giving the gift is the motivation and for others there's the subconscious expectation that you'll get something equal in return eventually. Neither of those motivations are selfless.
We're definitely a tit for tat culture, and that's just the reality of it.
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
Ummm... I have to disagree with you here. I'm from the U.S. and never give a gift with an expectation of getting something back. The way I was raised is that you give a gift without selfish intent. You give a gift to aid or put a smile on the face of a loved one. Such a generalization about an entire population is a bit bold...
Actually, it isn't really bold at all. It is fairly well documented behavior in the field of Anthropology. We don't act like drama queens and demand reciprocation. But we often subconsciously know we will receive a gift in return at some point. We don't buy a gift and while at the check-out line think about what they now have to get us in return. I don't mean it that way.
You can view it from the reverse. Somebody buys you a $100 baby gift and they have a baby about 7 months later (this actually happened to me). Do you not feel the desire to give them a gift of equal value back? It doesn't have to be monetary value, but of similar emotional value. That feeling better defines the gift giving culture. We do not reciprocate that gift and think the person is selfish because we give it to them. It is a marker of our co-relationship.
But we also wouldn't respond well if they gave us that $100 gift and then hold us hostage to it. The gift is then tarnished.
Note: I edited this, like, four times to try and get my original meaning across because words are hard and it is a difficult topic to make clear.
Agree a million percent!
Philosophers have questioned whether or not altruism truly exists for hundreds of years. When you give something are you ever truly doing it unselfishly? For some cultures, knowing that you're a good person for giving the gift is the motivation and for others there's the subconscious expectation that you'll get something equal in return eventually. Neither of those motivations are selfless.
We're definitely a tit for tat culture, and that's just the reality of it.
First, I would like to apologize for the extented quote box.
I disagree with this. In my culture, we are expected to give away at least 10% of our income to charity if it is financially plausible to do so. This is not something that we expect to receive back. We gain nothing from it religiously or culturally.
Often times I find that the most satisfying gifts that I give are done anonymously. I don't expect to receive anything back so I think we can certainly say that alltruism does indeed exist. I do not do this so that I can feel better about myself, I do it so that I can help if I'm able to. I'm sure I cannot be the only one. In fact, I know many others that do the same.
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
Ummm... I have to disagree with you here. I'm from the U.S. and never give a gift with an expectation of getting something back. The way I was raised is that you give a gift without selfish intent. You give a gift to aid or put a smile on the face of a loved one. Such a generalization about an entire population is a bit bold...
Actually, it isn't really bold at all. It is fairly well documented behavior in the field of Anthropology. We don't act like drama queens and demand reciprocation. But we often subconsciously know we will receive a gift in return at some point. We don't buy a gift and while at the check-out line think about what they now have to get us in return. I don't mean it that way.
You can view it from the reverse. Somebody buys you a $100 baby gift and they have a baby about 7 months later (this actually happened to me). Do you not feel the desire to give them a gift of equal value back? It doesn't have to be monetary value, but of similar emotional value. That feeling better defines the gift giving culture. We do not reciprocate that gift and think the person is selfish because we give it to them. It is a marker of our co-relationship.
But we also wouldn't respond well if they gave us that $100 gift and then hold us hostage to it. The gift is then tarnished.
Note: I edited this, like, four times to try and get my original meaning across because words are hard and it is a difficult topic to make clear.
Agree a million percent!
Philosophers have questioned whether or not altruism truly exists for hundreds of years. When you give something are you ever truly doing it unselfishly? For some cultures, knowing that you're a good person for giving the gift is the motivation and for others there's the subconscious expectation that you'll get something equal in return eventually. Neither of those motivations are selfless.
We're definitely a tit for tat culture, and that's just the reality of it.
First, I would like to apologize for the extented quote box.
I disagree with this. In my culture, we are expected to give away at least 10% of our income to charity if it is financially plausible to do so. This is not something that we expect to receive back. We gain nothing from it religiously or culturally.
Often times I find that the most satisfying gifts that I give are done anonymously. I don't expect to receive anything back so I think we can certainly say that alltruism does indeed exist. I do not do this so that I can feel better about myself, I do it so that I can help if I'm able to. I'm sure I cannot be the only one. In fact, I know many others that do the same.
That proves the point. If you're expected to give back 10%, it's not necessarily being done selflessly. Selfless does not equal not expecting something in return.
But regardless, I didn't say altruism does or doesn't exist, I just acknowledged that it's something that's been argued by philosophers for years and it's an interesting argument if anyone wants to research it further.
I am glad I came to this thread after you edited the original post to include details about where they were buying stuff, how it was big stuff, and how they handle your safety concerns with statements about duct tape. I saw a shift in responses after that from people being judgmental to being more understanding of your concerns. I am going to respond a little differently than what I have read so far to see if I can get to the bottom of some of the various responses (not that I am criticizing).
The giving of gifts, culturally speaking, is not a neutral process anywhere. How they are given, how they are received, and how they are reciprocated have various meanings in different places around the word. Anecdotally, the non-PC term "indian giving" came about because of a misunderstanding of the difference in Native American and European gift giving cultures. In certain Pacific Island cultures (sorry, I cannot remember the specific island network off the top of my head), gifts were sent along trade routes from island to island. Eventually they would return to the original sender and it was an indication of the health of the political/social relationships.
Here in the US, we give gifts with the expectation of receiving one in return when we reach the same life moment. For example, if you buy somebody a wedding gift, you assume they will buy you one someday at your own wedding. This isn't selfish. We are obviously capable of giving gifts without a return gift. If somebody is ill or has a loss, we don't have the same expectations. And it isn't selfish to have these expectations, it is perfectly normal. It is how we measure certain aspects of relationships.
Friends giving gifts tends to be egalitarian. If a friend buys you dinner for $10 and you buy them something for $50, they generally feel like they owe you another dinner. Aka. "The next one's on me!" Parents and In-laws tend to be much less equal depending on their financial means. You buy your father a $50 Christmas gift and he gives you a card with $100 in it. It is a different type of relationship.
But all of these gift giving relationships are based on co-relationships. What it sounds like is happening here is that your family feels like they are being loving by giving these gifts, and they are! But without considering your concerns or being open to a dialogue so that you can find a compromise between what you would like and what they would like to give, they have shut down that cultural relationship and replaced it with gifts as power.
When gifts are given as power or status, it is common to feel frustrated because your side of the relationship is being reduced to a much lower status in the relationship. Language like, "You are being ungrateful to your family who wants to spend money on you." only works to silence you further and lower your position even more. But language like, "Your family is being completely unacceptable not letting you have what you want." works the opposite and diminishes your family's position to a far lower status. Neither position repairs the relationship that is inherent in gift giving.
The way I personally would try to repair that relationship is through communication. Have a conversation with a list of things you would like (without using the word "want" because there are already some hard feelings happening... so tread lightly) and talk about the things you can't compromise on in terms of safety, things you can compromise on and would love them to help you with, and things they can surprise you with. If they do end up getting things that need work to be safe, let them help you fix it so that they aren't just involved in buying things but preparing them for the baby.
Of course, this is a long post and it is okay if you decide I am full of crap. Lol. I often am.
Ummm... I have to disagree with you here. I'm from the U.S. and never give a gift with an expectation of getting something back. The way I was raised is that you give a gift without selfish intent. You give a gift to aid or put a smile on the face of a loved one. Such a generalization about an entire population is a bit bold...
Actually, it isn't really bold at all. It is fairly well documented behavior in the field of Anthropology. We don't act like drama queens and demand reciprocation. But we often subconsciously know we will receive a gift in return at some point. We don't buy a gift and while at the check-out line think about what they now have to get us in return. I don't mean it that way.
You can view it from the reverse. Somebody buys you a $100 baby gift and they have a baby about 7 months later (this actually happened to me). Do you not feel the desire to give them a gift of equal value back? It doesn't have to be monetary value, but of similar emotional value. That feeling better defines the gift giving culture. We do not reciprocate that gift and think the person is selfish because we give it to them. It is a marker of our co-relationship.
But we also wouldn't respond well if they gave us that $100 gift and then hold us hostage to it. The gift is then tarnished.
Note: I edited this, like, four times to try and get my original meaning across because words are hard and it is a difficult topic to make clear.
Agree a million percent!
Philosophers have questioned whether or not altruism truly exists for hundreds of years. When you give something are you ever truly doing it unselfishly? For some cultures, knowing that you're a good person for giving the gift is the motivation and for others there's the subconscious expectation that you'll get something equal in return eventually. Neither of those motivations are selfless.
We're definitely a tit for tat culture, and that's just the reality of it.
First, I would like to apologize for the extented quote box.
I disagree with this. In my culture, we are expected to give away at least 10% of our income to charity if it is financially plausible to do so. This is not something that we expect to receive back. We gain nothing from it religiously or culturally.
Often times I find that the most satisfying gifts that I give are done anonymously. I don't expect to receive anything back so I think we can certainly say that alltruism does indeed exist. I do not do this so that I can feel better about myself, I do it so that I can help if I'm able to. I'm sure I cannot be the only one. In fact, I know many others that do the same.
That proves the point. If you're expected to give back 10%, it's not necessarily being done selflessly. Selfless does not equal not expecting something in return.
But regardless, I didn't say altruism does or doesn't exist, I just acknowledged that it's something that's been argued by philosophers for years and it's an interesting argument if anyone wants to research it further.
I don't see it how it proves your point. The suggestion is 10%, but nobody checks or ever asks if one has done so or not. Often times people give a significant amount more and other times nothing is given. Lots of people don't, I would have no idea who they were or were not but I definitely wouldn't judge them. Never in my life have I ever thought to ask somebody else what they may or may not be giving away. I have never been asked this question either. It's simply a culture of giving. The existence of alruism. The point is that it's a culture of giving expecting nothing in return. No moral, religious, or community recognition. Nor is there a sense of self righteousness. There is no consequence for giving or for not giving. I suppose some may find it interesting that philosophers discuss whether or not altruism exists, but waxing and waning poetic over something real definitely does not validate an incorrect assertion.
I went there more because I was horrified with some of the early commentators responses to her frustration. Not really because of her actual problem. I think it can be solved with simple communication.
Cute.
You're coming across as very arrogant, as though you're rubbing your education and field of employ in the faces of all others involved in this thread. That could be why you're getting the responses you are which causes you to dub the internet (when you really mean those of us in this thread) a fickle beast.
Aye yi yi!
This has gotten silly.
Bottom line: OP, talk to your family. Communication is key. Always has been. Always will be.
I feel like I can skip listening to NPR today.
This. I mean I loved my anthro class in college and all, but did we really need a mini lesson in human studies on The Bump?
I went there more because I was horrified with some of the early commentators responses to her frustration. Not really because of her actual problem. I think it can be solved with simple communication.
Cute.
You're coming across as very arrogant, as though you're rubbing your education and field of employ in the faces of all others involved in this thread. That could be why you're getting the responses you are which causes you to dub the internet (when you really mean those of us in this thread) a fickle beast.
You're the one that got butthurt when people disagreed with you. And yes, mentioning your position as an anthropologist as many times as you have comes across as arrogant; you're implying that you know more than we possibly could and that, my dear, is arrogant. You may not have intended it that way, but a lot of people say and do things that don't come across to others the way they intended and the appropriate response when you inadvertently offend someone isn't to say that it's a reflection on them, not you. Even the one class I took on cultural anthropology in college taught me that much about human interaction.
I was merely attempting to inform you that you were, in fact, coming across as arrogant, but clearly that's my problem and not yours (?). Continue as you were and I wish you the best of luck with the responses you will garner in the future. Good day to you.
Not really that relevant, but did anyone else stop reading responses when they became full blown essays? Not that they weren't well thought out responses or anything... I just don't have the attention span for that today.
I went there more because I was horrified with some of the early commentators responses to her frustration. Not really because of her actual problem. I think it can be solved with simple communication.
Cute.
You're coming across as very arrogant, as though you're rubbing your education and field of employ in the faces of all others involved in this thread. That could be why you're getting the responses you are which causes you to dub the internet (when you really mean those of us in this thread) a fickle beast.
I'm done. I spent four days enjoying threads and the people and one time I get disagreed with and suddenly people are taking things personal and spewing condescension and insults. That is what I meant by the internet being a fickle beast is that you never know how people will respond. We are typing here. These aren't face-to-face conversations so people can read into them whatever they want. If I sound condescending it is because you are taking it that way. If I sound like I am promoting greed with science, it is because somebody chose to take it that way. But this thread started with people name calling and being jerks. It isn't pleasant and it isn't necessary. I am not arrogant and if I come across that way it is more a reflection on you than it is on me. I am kind. The type of kind that would never attack somebody personally for a disagreement by calling them "cute". I value people's feelings and this whole site is suddenly not a friendly environment at all. We should be able to have disagreements without taking them as personal attacks or MAKING them personal attacks. It overshadows the vast majority of nice people I met here, but this is the internet and you are all strangers. I like that people are trying to lift others up here, but now people are just bringing people down. It isn't worth the negativity.
Here's a lesson in psychology for you... if you don't want people to take things personally, don't make statements that are incorrect, offensive and generalized about the population with whom you are speaking (many members here are from the US). I find the statement in bold ironic given you made a comment stereotyping US citizens which implied we're essentially selfish/greedy when it comes to intent behind gift giving. Did you expect that you wouldn't ruffle some feathers? Somehow countering your perspective makes one unfriendly? This comes off as both arrogant and hypocritical. I was quite polite in my counter to you, but you missed my point entirely just as you claim I missed yours (although I didn't... you even admit having to edit 4 times to make your point). As an aside, no two people are alike so generalizing individual intent isn't an effective way to make a point. In some ways, the human species is far too complex to make such generalizations (eg love). I think it is arrogant when scientists and those in the field of human studies try to make bold generalizations about this element of the human psyche.
Re: Back Off Family!
I'd go buy your own stuff and say thanks but I already bought my own whatever.
Edit: okay just read your add to the main. Same opinion holds here for me. If it's a crappy unsafe item: don't use it. Google is a wonderful thing:find out the reviews of these items.
I genuinely get you wanting to pick things, so at the end of the day decline these gifts if it's that crucial to you, or wait to see if people buy the preferred from the registry. Still though, realize that you might not get a positive reaction.
My crib was given to us by people we know and trust and I made sure it wasn't recalled. My daughter's twin bed was a garage sale find of $40 and in great condition so that wasn't concerning.
On another note, your family needs their own reality show - Extreme baby savings!
I think you should just thank them but explain you'd already purchased it new or you would prefer to be the one looking at used items due to safety standards.
I can understand if something like that makes you nervous - my husband and I are realistic, thrifty, and outweighed the benefits to risks to our crib fix. So if you really don't like the crib, ask your mom to keep it at her house for the baby to stay in overnight there and buy your own. Even if it looks like crap, it'll work for a night here and there.
As with the tub, there's this great thing called soap. Works wonders.
Again. Your kid doesn't need shiny new things. He/she won't notice.
The car seat and stroller were still in the original packaging so I didn't have to worry about it meeting safety standards.
There are always options if you aren't happy with a gifted item.
If these gifted items were in similar condition then I can understand your frustration but there are quite a few things that can be picked up at yard sales that are in great condition! We bought a ton of my daughters clothes from yard sales and a few of her favourite toys as well. We got a huge play kitchen house type of thing with a big bin of play food for 40 bucks! The kitchen alone was a few hundred new.
If I were you I would graciously accept these gifts and if they don't meet your safety standards or they aren't your style or whatever then pass them on to someone in need and purchase your own items.
The tub is probably fine though.
As a third time mom here, I was super specific on what I wanted for my first... But in the grand scheme of things, and what I know now -- IT DOESNT MATTER. Who cares if it's not the pattern you liked? Seriously, grow up a little and realize what a blessing your family is to your baby and you/YH.
I'm having an issue with my fiancé where my aunt who had a baby not to long ago is giving us all the things that her son has grown out of. For example clothes, bottles, breast pump, even his car seat. Now we can buy these items. But they are in great condition from someone we know. I have absolutly no problem with hand me downs. I appreciate her giving me all this well taken care of items. Specially since if she wanted to she could just resell it and pocket the items. But my fiancé on the other hand tends to get offended when we get hand me downs for our kids. He feels like it means he's not taking care of his family. Anyone else have a situation like this? And how do u handle it? I appreciate all the help she is giving us and don't want to turn it down or hurt her feelings. But I also don't want to hurt my fiancé's feelings either. I just don't know what to do. Any advice?
Still very much no to all of this. I don't care what you elect to read on the subject, it is still a bold and incorrect assumption to make on behalf of an entire country. You might feel that way, but I don't. Don't speak on my behalf. I give and don't keep tabs. I don't give with an expectation to receive in return. I don't base any relationship on financial contribution. I value relationships far more than that.
No I definitely understand what your saying, and appreciate your response to the situation. I'm also trying to work on my communication when it comes to my family because I know we are all stuck in our ways and I honestly just want to let them no that I am grateful to have them and I do appreciate it all, that I would more just like them to come to me to see what I like as well when it comes to certain things just bc I no we all have different standards and that's completely okay to be different. I never wanted to seem ungrateful I just have trouble breaking down situations w/o sounding some sort of way. But thanks for the long response it really got me thinking and I'm definitely trying to work on communication because its key
You generalized an entire country. You are trying to use science to justify greediness and that is absurd. Furthermore we are talking about gifts in the context of a baby shower! Your thread is talking about physical object and monetary value so be certain I will respond to that. Maybe read the thread fully before making incorrect and bold assumptions about my opinion on the various forms a gift takes on. Are you a FTM? I can tell you as a mother that I give give gifts (monetary, emotional, etc) everyday to my DS and would never be so absurd as to expect he will reciprocate in the manner you describe - expecting to receive a gift back and all things equal. According to you, if gift giving isn't equal I should question the entire relationship. I give gifts to my nephews and similarly expect nothing in return. Don't mask greed with population studies. It's just irresponsible.
Agree a million percent!
Philosophers have questioned whether or not altruism truly exists for hundreds of years. When you give something are you ever truly doing it unselfishly? For some cultures, knowing that you're a good person for giving the gift is the motivation and for others there's the subconscious expectation that you'll get something equal in return eventually. Neither of those motivations are selfless.
We're definitely a tit for tat culture, and that's just the reality of it.
Philosophers have questioned whether or not altruism truly exists for hundreds of years. When you give something are you ever truly doing it unselfishly? For some cultures, knowing that you're a good person for giving the gift is the motivation and for others there's the subconscious expectation that you'll get something equal in return eventually. Neither of those motivations are selfless.
We're definitely a tit for tat culture, and that's just the reality of it.
First, I would like to apologize for the extented quote box.
I disagree with this. In my culture, we are expected to give away at least 10% of our income to charity if it is financially plausible to do so. This is not something that we expect to receive back. We gain nothing from it religiously or culturally.
Often times I find that the most satisfying gifts that I give are done anonymously. I don't expect to receive anything back so I think we can certainly say that alltruism does indeed exist. I do not do this so that I can feel better about myself, I do it so that I can help if I'm able to. I'm sure I cannot be the only one. In fact, I know many others that do the same.
*typo
I disagree with this. In my culture, we are expected to give away at least 10% of our income to charity if it is financially plausible to do so. This is not something that we expect to receive back. We gain nothing from it religiously or culturally.
Often times I find that the most satisfying gifts that I give are done anonymously. I don't expect to receive anything back so I think we can certainly say that alltruism does indeed exist. I do not do this so that I can feel better about myself, I do it so that I can help if I'm able to. I'm sure I cannot be the only one. In fact, I know many others that do the same.
*typo
@BostonBaby1
That proves the point. If you're expected to give back 10%, it's not necessarily being done selflessly. Selfless does not equal not expecting something in return.
But regardless, I didn't say altruism does or doesn't exist, I just acknowledged that it's something that's been argued by philosophers for years and it's an interesting argument if anyone wants to research it further.
That proves the point. If you're expected to give back 10%, it's not necessarily being done selflessly. Selfless does not equal not expecting something in return.
But regardless, I didn't say altruism does or doesn't exist, I just acknowledged that it's something that's been argued by philosophers for years and it's an interesting argument if anyone wants to research it further.
I don't see it how it proves your point. The suggestion is 10%, but nobody checks or ever asks if one has done so or not. Often times people give a significant amount more and other times nothing is given. Lots of people don't, I would have no idea who they were or were not but I definitely wouldn't judge them. Never in my life have I ever thought to ask somebody else what they may or may not be giving away. I have never been asked this question either. It's simply a culture of giving. The existence of alruism. The point is that it's a culture of giving expecting nothing in return. No moral, religious, or community recognition. Nor is there a sense of self righteousness. There is no consequence for giving or for not giving. I suppose some may find it interesting that philosophers discuss whether or not altruism exists, but waxing and waning poetic over something real definitely does not validate an incorrect assertion.
This has gotten silly.
Bottom line: OP, talk to your family. Communication is key. Always has been. Always will be.
I feel like I can skip listening to NPR today.
You're coming across as very arrogant, as though you're rubbing your education and field of employ in the faces of all others involved in this thread. That could be why you're getting the responses you are which causes you to dub the internet (when you really mean those of us in this thread) a fickle beast.
=D>
I was merely attempting to inform you that you were, in fact, coming across as arrogant, but clearly that's my problem and not yours (?). Continue as you were and I wish you the best of luck with the responses you will garner in the future. Good day to you.