Family spilled the beans...

shaelovesmatt · August 2015

DH and I told my side of the family (who we explicitly swore to secrecy) - at the first night of a family reunion, I was suddenly met with congratulations from more than one person. Needless to say, I AM PISSED. I'm only 9 weeks, and we were hoping to wait it out for the first trimester to be over before announcing it. Also, it's OUR business to tell in our own way. For those that this has happened to, how did you deal with your family members telling people before you were ready?

Swillah · August 2015

My MIL, brother and dad can't keep a secret to save their life so we just don't tell anyone until we are completely ready for the entire world to know.

shaelovesmatt · August 2015

I should have stuck with that - I'm kicking myself now. I'm annoyed beyond belief.

Swillah · August 2015

I know it doesn't do any good but maybe it would make yourself feel better if you let them know that you are disappointed you didn't get to announce it? They totally stole your thunder. And if they ask why give them reasons. We choose not to share because we have had a lot of losses and I know there are a lot of articles right now saying its better to share so you have people to hold you up, but in my case my family is just not that group.. Just remember its out there now and you can't get it back so its not worth stressing about, we have enough on our plates as is..

ecwk · August 2015

Oh man, I would be so pissed!!! I guess you learned that out the hard way

from now on to be honest I would not share any big news with them until you're ready for the world to know. For example if you're finding out the baby's sex or choosing a name. And if they get mad you're not telling them, you can tell them exactly why!

Edited because spelling is hard.

blueeyedrose86 · August 2015

My mom did this when we were in labor. I gave both sides of the family explicit instructions NOT to say anything on Facebook. After giving birth, DH was on fb and saw that my mom had posted about being anxious for my labor to go quickly like 3 hours after I went to the hospital. This was her 7th grandchild, so it's not like she didn't know. I eventually got over it, but I was not happy. Plus I felt bad for my MIL. This was her first grandchild and she managed to respect our wishes. My side sucks at keeping secrets

emjeve · August 2015

My FIL spilled the beans with DD. I was really upset- I think I was 8 weeks along at the time. I felt the same way- it is OUR news to share, not anyone else's. This time around we haven't told anyone yet and don't plan to until 13 weeks (I'm at 10 weeks now). We also asked family not to say anything on social media until we were further along and SIL was a total bitch about it, but did comply (a few weeks later when we did announce on FB, my brother made a status update about being an Uncle and she was furious because she wanted to make the first "aunt/uncle" status... Wah wah wah!)

pbrad15 · August 2015

My dad posted it on Facebook for about a minute ( I yelled at him to take it off). Only a few family members in another state saw it, but it still hurt my feelings. It is me and my husbands pregnancy and our news to tell. Needlesstosay, we've been extremely discreet since that happened

marly604 · August 2015

Yes, my MIL is totally clueless. I won't even start, but just know that I am totally with you. I feel it is our news to share when and with who we wish, at least until we have told our family, close friends, and work.

DivergingBird · August 2015

I'm so sorry. That is completely inappropriate of them to do.

A wise woman once told me boundaries with your kids start before the baby is born. If I were in your shoes, I would absolutely confront them and express to them that although you understand they are excited, their decision to tell others hurt you deeply.

And like a pp said, I wouldn't tell them anything else secret like name or gender. They have broken your trust. That really sucks

shaelovesmatt · August 2015

Thanks so much for the support! I'm absolutely not telling them anything else about the baby until I'm ready or until everyone else knows.

SadiePantsR · August 2015

With my first, my mom announced on Facebook she was expecting her first grandchild after promising me she would keep it a secret. I was furious. She said she didn't use my name so she wasn't outing me, but she is friends with my friends so it felt like a betrayal. With this pregnancy I waited longer to tell her and gave her an earful about respect and trust and this being my news not hers. It's her news once the baby is actually here and not inside me. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You have every right to be mad and I think it's healthy to express that to you family members. And going forward set stronger boundaries with them, even if that means leaving them out of exciting news you are not ready to tell everyone and their brother.

cmost227316 · August 2015

That stinks! We haven't told anyone, but one of my good friends asked me, and I couldn't lie!!! She knows, but will keep it a secret for sure... Good luck and it will still be a fun surprise when you announce to friends

SouthernCharmedLife · August 2015

::::lurking:::: But honestly I don't trust anyone to keep my secrets. We don't tell anyone until we're ready for it to be public knowledge.

I think you're a little naive in expecting that news not to travel at a family reunion. I also think you're overreacting. At the end of the day, you couldn't keep your secret, why should they?

shaelovesmatt · August 2015

If I would have said something at the family reunion, I could see that - but that's not what happened. We told them in confidence, three weeks prior. Sorry if it sounds naive to you but yes, I absolutely expected my parents to be able to keep their traps shut for three more weeks. My sister is also pregnant right now and much further along. If anything, the talk should have been about her.

But thanks for playing.

jlion27 · August 2015

I called my best friend (also my first cousin) after getting a positive test. She's been bugging me for years about having kids. Unbeknownst to me, when I called her, she was with our entire family at the lake house. You can guess what happened next... Yup, a private moment I meant to spend with just her, and my family all found out and word spread like wildfire. One of my dumb cousins (best friend's brother) went as far as to tell my own brother. What is wrong with people?!?!???

In other words, I hear ya.

jlion27 · August 2015

To SouthernCharmedLife: I think that's rather harsh, but if it makes you feel better... No, by the way, it's not anyone's place to give other people this news for you. That's not how grown up world works.

SouthernCharmedLife · August 2015

shaelovesmatt said:
If I would have said something at the family reunion, I could see that - but that's not what happened. We told them in confidence, three weeks prior. Sorry if it sounds naive to you but yes, I absolutely expected my parents to be able to keep their traps shut for three more weeks. My sister is also pregnant right now and much further along. If anything, the talk should have been about her.

But thanks for playing.

Again, I'm sure you knew the reunion was coming up. You could have kept your trap shut for a few more weeks, but you chose not to. People talk. Keep your secrets and they won't get out.

Thanks for playing

ivyvines6 · August 2015

I wanted to keep it a secret, but my fiancé has decided to tell everyone he runs into at work about it, unbeknownst to moi! I was so embarrassed when I went to visit him today and got so many rounds of congratulations, and aren't you excited?! And can I touch your stomach? I was like Babe, you suck at keeping secrets... And he's lucky I was in a good mood when his boss asked to touch my stomach. I'm only 8 weeks along, and have only spoken with him at Christmas parties... I politely said it would make me uncomfortable and moved on....

OK original rant, my fiancé works at a car dealership, so now the 100+ people he works with know, as well as every customer he's spoken with this month. Wth??? He knows we live in a small town, and I didn't want to announce until the end of the first trimester. We thought I was infertle up until four weeks ago! Silly hubby, secrets are for keeping....

MrsPittman13 · August 2015

SouthernCharmedLife said:

shaelovesmatt said:
If I would have said something at the family reunion, I could see that - but that's not what happened. We told them in confidence, three weeks prior. Sorry if it sounds naive to you but yes, I absolutely expected my parents to be able to keep their traps shut for three more weeks. My sister is also pregnant right now and much further along. If anything, the talk should have been about her.

But thanks for playing.
Again, I'm sure you knew the reunion was coming up. You could have kept your trap shut for a few more weeks, but you chose not to. People talk. Keep your secrets and they won't get out.

Thanks for playing

Because it's so unreasonable to expect your parents to keep quiet about something like this until you let them know otherwise.... Oh wait actually it's not.

SadiePantsR · August 2015

@southerncharmedlife I hope someone warns your kids not to trust you with secrets. Apparently telling you something in confidence = public announcment. To each their own, but I don't operate that way, so I understand where OP is coming from.

shaelovesmatt · August 2015

Thanks ladies - I know we'll get past this - it's just annoying to be put on the spot when you're not ready to answer such questions - I know everyone is excited, but we're also planning our own announcement and how we'd really like it to be done. Appreciating everyone's input here. **Removed for TOU violation.**

I don't appreciate my comment about another poster being removed. What I said was truth. But thanks though, The Bump.

xo

SouthernCharmedLife · August 2015

Thanks ladies - I know we'll get past this - it's just annoying to be put on the spot when you're not ready to answer such questions - I know everyone is excited, but we're also planning our own announcement and how we'd really like it to be done. Appreciating everyone's input here. **Removed for TOU violation.**

xo

Well bless your heart. Aren't you sweet? People get excited and things get out. I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.

chime · August 2015

This has definitely made me reconsider telling my grandmother and aunt tomorrow. They're moving so it's my last chance to tell them in person. However, I have zero interest in my father and his new wife (especially his new wife) finding out. I trust my aunt but I recall now being told in the past how my grandmother has shared secrets, particularly with her son (my father). I am almost positive now that she will spill the beans and the new wife will have it ALL OVER Facebook. Then she would probably get nasty about how my father wasn't the first to know or some crap.

I totally appreciate this thread! You guys have made me come to my senses.

RosyK · August 2015

If you don't want everyone to know, don't tell anyone. They're all just too excited to keep it a secret.

katekat8721 · August 2015

SouthernCharmedLife said:

shaelovesmatt said:
Thanks ladies - I know we'll get past this - it's just annoying to be put on the spot when you're not ready to answer such questions - I know everyone is excited, but we're also planning our own announcement and how we'd really like it to be done. Appreciating everyone's input here. **Removed for TOU violation.**

xo

Well bless your heart. Aren't you sweet?

People get excited and things get out. I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.
----- quote fail -----
You're rude.

SouthernCharmedLife · August 2015

katekat8721 said:

SouthernCharmedLife said:

shaelovesmatt said:
Thanks ladies - I know we'll get past this - it's just annoying to be put on the spot when you're not ready to answer such questions - I know everyone is excited, but we're also planning our own announcement and how we'd really like it to be done. Appreciating everyone's input here. **Removed for TOU violation.**

xo
Well bless your heart. Aren't you sweet?

People get excited and things get out. I guess you learned your lesson the hard way.

----- quote fail -----
You're rude.

@katekat8721 How so? Because I have a different opinion? How is that rude, exactly? Please explain that to me.

I certainly didn't call anyone any names (like you) or tell them that they suck (like the OP).

It's the Internet, not everyone is going to tell you what you want to hear.

EmeraldSea · August 2015

People get excited.

I was super annoyed bc I had someone call me out for not drinking in front of a family member which blew my cover at like 4 weeks. We had found out ourselves just days before. I ended up tellingn our immediate families.

In the days following we had another major family announcement. Like HUGE. We were all sworn to secrecy for that for about two weeks. When we were given the okay to tell that secret evidently my family meant they could tell everyone my secret. I was annoyed because I wasn't even 7 weeks at that point. I got over it though. Not worth the stress.

Haleigh123 · August 2015

My Dad immediately posted on Facebook "I'm going to be a grandpa!" Thankfully we don't have many mutual friends on Facebook but it sucked because I didn't get to tell my grandparents (his parents) in person because his sister saw it and told everyone on my Dad's side of the family. I have now told everyone that I don't want the news on Facebook. I'm just not a fan of all the attention and unwanted advice that I know will come my way.

brie103 · August 2015

The same just happened to me. Since it was IVF certain family members have had the play by play from the first beta but now that we have seen he heart beat and all that my parents decided to tell practically everyone they know. And then my step-mom posted something on Facebook. We aren't even 11 weeks yet. I tried to talk to both sets of parents about it being my husband and I's news to share but they didn't take it very well. My mom said I had "attitude" about it. We have been doing IVF for three years and I know everyone is excited but I wanted to be the one to tell people when I was ready to do it. Why is that so much to ask? Grrr

red3ye · August 2015

As adults, we should all know how to keep happy secrets, even if we are excited. I told my closed family and they posted it on Facebook so I understand the frustration. I simply told them fine, if they are not mature enough to keep their excitement contained than I would no longer share my secrets with them. It sucks when you get burned by those you trust, but you live and learn.

srome7379 · August 2015

Wow! Same thing here. My BF told his daughter(previous marriage) and she decided to announce it to his ex. It's annoying at the least!!

flowerpower5838 · August 2015

srome7379 said:

Wow! Same thing here. My BF told his daughter(previous marriage) and she decided to announce it to his ex. It's annoying at the least!!

You cannot ask a child to keep something secret from their parent. I don't think this is the same at ALL as asking your parents to respect your wishes and expecting them - as adults - to be able to keep a secret.

red3ye · August 2015

Agreed, if you tell your kids, accept that they will probably tell other people

bntfroggie · August 2015

red3ye said:

Agreed, if you tell your kids, accept that they will probably tell other people

I feel like this is the same rule as if someone is married expect their significant other to know too.

Doxies4life · August 2015

DH and I told our parents and my sister at about 5 weeks. FIL asked us specifically not to tell SIL "because she can't handle things like this without blowing them out of proportion." My FIL might be the coolest cat around. SIL isn't always all there. Her heart is in the right place, but her brain doesn't always connect the dots... Our wedding was a fiasco because of her. We opted to tell her and our girls (one for each of us from previous relationships) at 10 weeks. We specified that SIL was not to say anything until we decided to announce publicly.

I went as far as to make the announcement before we told her anticipating that she would blast it all over social media. And I have to say that I was suprised that we were able to announce to the rest of the family and social media land on our own.

The same can't be said about our engagement, though. So I way get it. I'm sure I'm going to get some hate here, but I think that if you tell someone a thing and express that you are telling them in the strictest of confidence, the hope is that they would respect your wishes. I mean you are taking a chance by even putting it out there, I get that side of it too. Not to treat family and friends in a Caste System, but personally I wanted to have my immediate family know, closest of friends, extended family and social media "friends" whenever. I get that this isn't a perfect world. and you don't always get what you want.

Now that I got the rambling over with....

This I think could put a strain on relationships in the future especially if not confronted and resolved. Maybe it was a complete accident and not malicious at all? Maybe someone that you had told were talking to each other and they were over heard? I'm a total benefit of the doubt kinda gal. I think direct confrontation to find out the circumstances surrounding it would be the first step for me and then attempt to come to resolution by stating my future actions ie I will be more guarded around you in the future, I appreciate your apology I hope that we can move past this, I was really hurt by your actions and I'm going have a hard time telling you anything in confidence in the future, etc.

Clear air is much better than having an elephant in the room IMHO.

elledriver88 · August 2015

My boyfriend and I had agreed to tell my parents our news before his mother (my parents have proven themselves trustworthy while we have been burned by his mother in the past.) All was well until the night before we were to tell my parents when he texted his mom to say "In 24 hours I'll have some news to share with you!!"

... Needless to say she guessed it right away and then we had to beg her not to say anything. Which of course she blew within about an hour.

sahmrey · August 2015

DH and I are all about telling family ASAP after the pregnancy is confirmed. Pretty much once we've made our rounds of telling family and close friends, we go public. We're definitely not the type of people who can wait 'til the end of the first trimester. It works for us. We don't really give people a lot of time to spill the beans before we do ourselves, and as long as we get to tell the ones we REALLY wanted to tell, I don't sweat it if someone found out from someone else before we got to them.

Having said all of that, I also understand that people have different family dynamics and just different preferences with this type of thing in general. I get so excited for friends who are expecting but always respect their wishes...that is their news to share and what a bummer it would be for someone to take the joy out of sharing their good news away from them! It's such a fun time to share that news and I would never want that taken from me/would never take that from someone. I even feel awkward when someone tells me that "so and so is expecting, too, but she just isn't telling people yet." I smile and say how great it is (b/c it is), but also inside I'm wondering, "Then why are you telling me?".

Anyway, OP, sorry that happened to you! That really stinks that you didn't get to share your news when/how you wanted. I see nothing wrong with expressing your disappointment to your family about not getting to share the news yourself.

babymomma98 · August 2015

My little brother spilled the beans so when myself and husband went to a family event everyone already knew and it was akward as hell. I know the pain

kkdgirl · September 2015

My mil has been begging for weeks to share our news. I told her no and she had to wait until our next appointment. Well needless to say she went behind my back and called my husband and begged him because she knew he was telling his grandpa on their hunting trip this weekend. Well yesterday i got a random message from my mil's coworker congratulating us. Wtf. Seriously not ok. I chewed out my husband... Bitch please I didn't want the entire eastern side of Wisconsin knowing.

kitteh81 · September 2015

elledriver88 said:
My boyfriend and I had agreed to tell my parents our news before his mother (my parents have proven themselves trustworthy while we have been burned by his mother in the past.) All was well until the night before we were to tell my parents when he texted his mom to say "In 24 hours I'll have some news to share with you!!"

... Needless to say she guessed it right away and then we had to beg her not to say anything. Which of course she blew within about an hour.

Looks like it must run in his family. I would have let him have it for not keeping his trap shut when he knew his mom is a blabber mouth.

We told both of our parents almost as soon as we found out. I told my mom first, because this baby was a surprise and I needed some help processing. She asked if she could tell my step dad and grandma (my mom's mom, who lives with them.) I told her to wait until I had more time to let it sink in myself, because I was still in shock. She managed to keep my secret from her own onther and her husband, whom she tells EVERYTHING, for another 3 or 4 weeks before I gave her the ok. That's how it SHOULD be.

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