Community› The Bump Month Clubs› October 2015 Moms
October 2015 Moms
New Discussion

Grandpa HATES her name

sarapb09sarapb09 member
in October 2015 Moms
So, after two months of calling my baby "Cecilia" with my parents' full knowledge (we are now 30 weeks), dad FINALLY tells me why he's been saying "that's not a good name." Apparently this was the name of the lady that his dad left their family for and left everyone poor. Like 40 years ago. But apparently it was a bad enough experience that he felt like he needed to tell me about it and how hurt he was by this lady. After a few tense words he was done talking and said "whatever, it's your baby, name her what you want!" And left. Talking with my mom and sister about it, apparently they feel for him because a lot of bad things happened to him and his family because of this lady. But on my side, I'm upset because he didn't say anything two months ago and I've already been talking to "Ceci" and calling her this name for so long. My husband is also unwilling to change the name and thinks my dad should just get over it. I just don't want my dad and his 6 siblings to hate my daughter or associate her with bad things, and in that sense I would be willing to change her name but my husband is not! What would you do?? I am so upset and angry and sad about this!
Report Reply to Post

Re: Grandpa HATES her name

  • ToriMintonToriMinton member
    I love the name! But maybe try talking to other members of the family to get their opinion too, but in all truth, it's your baby, you can name her whatever you want!
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • NukkeNukke member
    Know what?  They'll get over it, I promise.  They may associate that name with the 'other woman' right now, but soon they'll associate it with your little one.  

    Your dad is probably just a little emotional right now because his daughter is going to give birth (is this his first grandchild?).  I found my dad's emotions were a little heightened when I was pregnant with my first. 
    Lilypie Pregnancy tickersLilypie Second Birthday tickers
    image
    Report Reply
  • natalknitter15natalknitter15 member
    I think as soon as they see your beautiful baby girl, your dad and his family will forget that the other Cecilia ever existed. I love the name and my vote is stick with it.
    Report Reply
  • KLHauck12KLHauck12 member
    That would be really hard - kind of a sticky situation! But its kind of on him since you announced the name so long ago.... Why did he wait until now to say something?! I would have maybe considered changing it if that was shared right away....but I don't think it's fair to expect you to change after all this time! Sounds like you will be calling her Ceci...do you think he would be more okay with the name knowing he won't always be hearing Cecilia??
    I think its your baby & your decision! And once that sweet little baby is here, maybe he will form a new, more positive association with the name! My dad wasn't thrilled with our name at first since he associated it to a.TV character from his childhood that was mean (not as serious of a situation, I know). But I know once our little girl is here, he will form a new association.
    Report Reply
  • maiatenemaiatene member
    edited August 2015
    Tough love time @sarapb09 and I do say these things as lovingly as a stranger can :)

    - get over it.... no one is going to love your name 100% and like *ssh*les everyone has an opinion as to why it sucks or you could do better
    - stop sharing everything because no matter how excited you are about something there's always 1 person who will dump on it and give you the sads
    - like PP said he'll get over it so try not to fret too much. This is an opportunity for a new positive association and once he sees your sweet Ceci he'll soon forget about old what's - her - name

    Most importantly if you and hubby love the name and are committed to it use it. I'm 100% with hubby about not changing it. Your dad will just have to get over it.

    PS Cecelia is a name we considered and I think it's beautiful.
    Report Reply
  • sarapb09sarapb09 member
    Thanks everyone! I'm going to have to probably wait a few days for a nice mature conversation with my dad since he stormed off today :-( another part of my hesitation to change her name is that sometimes my dad does act childish and I think this is one of those times I'm going to have to say that he can't have everything his way just by pouting about it. I might have been more willing to reconsider if he'd told me right away why he didn't like it but now I'm just upset he would even say something seeing as we've called her Ceci for so long! Also considering that my husband and I stopped the name search immediately after coming up with that name as there was nothing else we liked!

    We were very careful about not telling a lot of people the name we came up with for this very reason, but we had thought, oh we will just tell family. Hm. Maybe not next time. If we were going to take everyone's opinion into consideration we would have no names left!!
    Thanks for the support everyone... For now she's still Ceci though I will see what my mom has to say. Hopefully her being more rational, she can talk some sense into my dad.
    Report Reply
  • sarapb09sarapb09 member
    And yes, my dad is an extremely emotional person and this is grand baby #1. Probably makes it more stressful for him! Plus he just got back from vacation to see all his siblings and I'm sure they got to talking about how horrible their childhood was. But honestly?! Not my problem! This is like half a century ago!
    Report Reply
  • aleecatsaleecats member
    bbiutmcph said:


    sarapb09 said:

    And yes, my dad is an extremely emotional person and this is grand baby #1. Probably makes it more stressful for him! Plus he just got back from vacation to see all his siblings and I'm sure they got to talking about how horrible their childhood was. But honestly?! Not my problem! This is like half a century ago!



    I truly hope you never have to experience or your children have to experience what an affair feels like,  let alone one that leads to a spouse/father leaving your family. I guarantee you wouldn't want to hear the name of the woman that was part of it let alone have your child use the name.  This isn't a simple my dad doesn't like the name.  His dad left him and his family for another woman causing pain for everyone around him and the name of the woman who more than likely he has blamed is what you want to name our child.    I promise a half a  century isn't going to make you forget the name or likely anything about the person


    *dirty S15 Lurker*

    ^^this.
    Though I love the name if this were me I'd have to reconsider. Traumatic things like this don't just go away with time, and the amount of resentment he has for that name has probably built up over that half century and festered into something much deeper. He most likely waited to say anything because he probably tried his hardest not hurt you. Your his daughter and he loves you and he probably knew how hurt you'd be if he told you he disliked the name so he bit his tongue. My guess is he only told you because as hard as he's tried he can't get past it. And I know from experience if you can't get past something you tend to resent it; he may love his granddaughter and she may become his whole world but if you do decide on that name there is a chance he'll partially resent her and/or his feelings may be changed towards her, which he's probably realized hence why he told you.

    I do agree he may not have told you the best way and he should have told you sooner but would you have wanted to destroy something your daughter was so excited about? Just my food for thought at the end of the day it's your choice but you should consider ALL sides of, your dad shared a very personal and vulnerable thing with you and you shouldn't belittle his feelings, at the very least you should be considering them even if you use the name you should reach out and talk to him about how it will effect him.
    Report Reply
  • MeganKGarciaMeganKGarcia member
    My Mom made it known that she hates our daughter's name, Brice. She associates it with a guy that she did not care for. After several times of her stating her personal opinion I told her that it is the name that my husband and I chose and that I don't want to hear anything about it again. I also gave her several nicknames to choose from. Luckily, I've not heard anything else about the subject.
    Report Reply
  • jefinley1jefinley1 member
    Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't have been OK with my dad saying for two months that it was a bad name without any kind of explanation. And I would have told him so. If he was completely cagey, I would have expressed how important to me it was that he like the name, and that I really just want to understand why he doesn't because if it's something important, I wouldn't want to name my child that. I would have asked other family members if they had any clue. It would have really bothered me until I found out why. But because of the relationship I have with my dad, it would have been important enough for me to resolve as soon as he started being so adamant.

    Should he have pulled you aside right away and said, "Hey, you know how my dad left? Well that was the name of the woman that he left us for. That's why it's so hard for me to think of having that name associated with my granddaughter."? Of course. But you did ever give any indication that you would have been open, kind, and understanding about hearing that? I don't know. There are indications in your post that you aren't just annoyed by his delay, but by his feelings on the whole thing. And maybe that's just not how you meant to phrase it, but if he sensed that from the beginning, I can see why he might have tried to not say anything if you didn't seem interested in genuinely hearing.

    Honestly I just feel really really bad for your husband. But I kind of feel like both you and your dad got yourselves in this dilemma by not communicating with each other like adults. 
    Report Reply
  • sarapb09sarapb09 member
    Thanks for everyone's replies. It's definitely hard to make a transcript of my communications with my dad for the past two months for everyone to see so I'm sorry to come across as insensitive to his feelings. His only reason for the first two months was "it's just not a good name for a baby" and left it at that, so until he dropped this bomb on me I had no idea I should be pressing harder-- truly didn't think it was that big of a deal. However much I adore and have a fantastic relationship with my dad, I am unable to read his - or anyone's- minds.

    So I am just asking for what would be a reasonable response NOW. Not what I maybe should have done. And I realize everyone is going to have different opinions and I appreciate it. But please don't take my frustration with this situation as insensitivity to my dad's situation. The great part about anonymous message boards is the ability to vent how upset I am in a safe environment and hopefully form my next steps from here. Thanks!
    Report Reply
  • SMGoodlettSMGoodlett member
    My thing is- his Dad and the other woman are the issues. Not the name. She could have been Barb, Sophie, or Jane. The name doesn't matter, it's the situation.

    So no, I wouldn't pick another name. He had his chance to communicate, and didn't utilize it to the fullest.
    Report Reply
  • TheSouffleGirlTheSouffleGirl member
    edited August 2015
    I agree that a conversation is the way to go, but just because I haven't seen a lot of practical ideas posted: What about if he gives her a special nickname that he and your mom can use in their household? What about the fact that you guys already call her "Ceci"; does he think that is different enough that he could live with it? What if you agreed to spend some time (honestly) looking for another name you liked, and he spent some time thinking about whether he could live with Cecilia/Ceci, and then the two of you met again at a set time to discuss your results? Just trying to think of some compromises, where both sides give some. Certainly none of these ideas are per erect, but maybe they can help you think of something that you can all agree on.
    Report Reply
  • beanie1977beanie1977 member
    We have a similar situation. My wife's father has the same name as my grandmas only son- who died young of addition issues. But my wife has wanted to name a son after her dad her whole life. We are using it as his middle name. My grandma cried when we told her and said to please never use it as a first name. It's really hard!

    We chose her maidan name for the baby's first name in her honor and she thinks it's too modern to do that. Sigh. You can't win. Name her what you love!! We are. We had already monogrammed blankets and his baby book!
    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1c1556.aspx[/img][/url]
    Report Reply
  • wassuphoeswassuphoes member
    As a lurker.....

    I think you should pick a new name. Does the circumstances surrounding this suck? Of course, Cecilia is a lovely name and it's a shame it holds this association for your father. But, from what you've written, it's not a family name for your husband, it's not a name with significant meaning other then you both like it. The only significance it has is the one you and your husband placed on it, for a relatively short period of time.

    Would something similar like Cecily work as a compromise of sorts?
    Report Reply
  • aleecatsaleecats member
    SMGoodlett said:

    My thing is- his Dad and the other woman are the issues. Not the name. She could have been Barb, Sophie, or Jane. The name doesn't matter, it's the situation.

    So no, I wouldn't pick another name. He had his chance to communicate, and didn't utilize it to the fullest.

    So it's clear you've made your choice so the best way to handle is to one) accept that this is something that is going to effect yours and your daughters relationship with him for the rest of both of your lives. And two) talk to him calmly and keep his feelings in mind as you and tell him, "I'm sorry the name hurts you and I'm sorry you associate with a negative time in your life but after speaking with my DH we've decided to keep the name but I'd like to know is there anyway I can help you move past it or work through it because I don't want this to effect how you see your granddaughter."

    And I know your saying it's not insensitivity that your frustrated but the way your talking about what happened to him ("it's not the name it's the situation" not true at all. He associates the NAME with the situation, yes if her name was barb he'd probably hate the name barb) you are coming off as extremely insensitive IMHO. People associate certain things to bad times, I can't stand the name Tom or Thomas because that is the name of my rapist, my friends is currently dating a man named Thomas and I can't stand him. He's a nice guy but he's a constant reminder of that time for me, I would never be mean to him but I can't be around him very often and I can't be left alone with him. Not anything he did but I associate that name with the worst moments of my life. That name is the same for your dad, I think before you speak with him again you need to sit down and really think about his feelings and how this is effecting him so you can at least be sympathetic when you tell him your continuing to use the name.
    Report Reply
  • missemmawoodhousemissemmawoodhouse member
    Hug @aleecats
    Report Reply
  • meghan82meghan82 member
    sarapb09, your dad reminds me of one of my relatives who had a different kind of traumatic childhood than your dad's but as a result is paradoxically highly emotional but doesn't always communicate his feelings well at the same time. many commenters can easily say you shouldn't use the name you picked in order to spare your dad's feelings but if this is part of a long line of struggles to communicate in your relationship with your dad i get where you are coming from especially given the length of time he took to reveal this key piece of information-- if he'd mentioned this months ago it would have been a no-brainer to change. i really understand where you are coming from and it's a tough situation. 
    i really liked the suggestions from @thesoufflegirl for having a conversation with your dad about a special nickname he could have for her. you could even change the name to ceci if that's what you are planning to call her anyways. if you do decide to keep it the name i would definitely talk to him about it, explain why it's important to you, and most importantly acknowledge your dad's feelings. as adults starting our own families at some point we will all make decisions our parents disapprove of and maybe, unfortunately, decisions which hurt them personally. he may be very upset about your choice (and even understandably so), but if you and your husband chose a name you loved and your dad had ample time to give a reason to veto, but didn't until now, i think it is fair to explain you've become very attached to/identify the baby already by that name and you keeping it is not at all personal. i also think this late in the game i would not change my baby's name because to me, that's who he is now. 
    best of luck!
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"