Community› The Bump Month Clubs› September 2015 Moms
September 2015 Moms
New Discussion

Boudaries w out of town MIL after birth! HELP!

surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
in September 2015 Moms
I'm so conflicted with how or what to do about my MIL flying in for the birth. Is it rude to not have her stay at our house and get a hotel? I don't want anyone around for the first few days. Just want to bond with my baby and husband! And then yes Grandparents are welcome to come visit but I don't want her tip toeing around for a week staying in the basement!. She has been out here twice this summer and I'm kind of just over her considering we aren't close and she is very awkward and seems to just expect that she will be staying with us. She said" I will come out ASAP for the birth and leave when you guys tell me"??? Ughgg, what are you ladies doing? Am I weird for no wanting family to stay w us? I don't want to upset her as she is already peeved about not being allowed in the delivery room for the birth! Help!
Report Reply to Post
«1

Re: Boudaries w out of town MIL after birth! HELP!

  • Loading the player...
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    Well for whatever reason his family thinks it's strange to ask them to stay in a hotel. They have this very farmer family mentality that is not what I am comfortable with!!!! She knows I have a hard time with house guests but doesn't seem to ever just offer that she will stay at the hotel that's literally around the corner.
    Report Reply
  • nirenire member
    You're not weird at all! I have a great relationship with my own parents and they stay at my house to help with the kids while I'm in the hospital but they leave the day I come home to allow us to get settled. In the past they come back after my husband goes back to work (this is c section and baby 4) to help out. It's worked really well for us this way. Good luck.
    Report Reply
  • tpally6212tpally6212 member
    I am very close to my family as well but I still would just feel anxious is she or my mom were staying here. I would feel especially bad because all the bedrooms are next to each other and I would feel every time baby/I got up it would wake her, maybe she can stay just a few days at your home and the rest of the time at the hotel. But I think it would also depend on how soon she wanted to come (first week at home definitely NOT) how long she plans on staying for and will your DH be home with you too? That way you aren't on your own to entertain her.
    Report Reply
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    Well my own parents are different and know me well enough to know that I need space. I don't mind a day visit to check in and say hi after a few days home. But not a lingering MIL just hanging around the house for days and days asking what she can do.
    Report Reply
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    edited August 2015
    @tpally6212 she wants to come and wait in the hospital and then come home with us! And stay in our guest room down stairs till we tell her to get lost. So awkward! I'm afraid she is going to be pissed if we tell her she has to wait a week. I don't want her around at all for at least 48 hrs after coming home. I.just don't understand why she wants to be so invasive?! It's stressing me out.
    Report Reply
  • shelbyddshelbydd member
    My mom is staying with us but my husband and I are both very comfortable with her so that makes a huge difference. We lived with my parents on and off for the first 3 years we were married so her staying with us is no biggie. There are very few people I would really feel comfortable 'invading' our space, especially with trying to adjust to a new baby. It's a huge change, you're going to be tired, and it's not fair to you to feel obligated to say yes to people visiting or staying with you. If you aren't comfortable just be honest and say you want that time for you and your husband to bond with your new child and leave it at that.
    image
    Report Reply
  • tlc11934tlc11934 member
    DH and I lived with my mom when DD1 was born as we were shopping for a house. I'm so grateful to have had the extra help, especially the first few nights when we were severely sleep deprived and DD needed around the clock care. My MIL was in the delivery room for the birth too, but didn't sleep over for a few weeks - DD was about 4 weeks old. My DH would also never let his parents stay at a hotel. I've had as many as 8 of his family members sleeping over my tiny house.

    How far away does your MIL live? Far enough that you can wait to tell her that you're in labor once you're pretty close to pushing out the baby so she has no time to show up?! Tell her you'll need her help most after a few days.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • AndieTessieAndieTessie member
    I had to have this same conversation with my mom and my in laws. I get they are excited but I just explained I wanted to get into a routine and figure out baby's schedule before we had guest fly in. My mom's not happy about the hotel, but I need my space and she stayed for a week back in the second trimester and I was so stressed out. I rather have them be a little upset now then having them in my house while I'm over tired, trying to BF, and learning how to be a mom. Im afraid if they are there 24/7 I might say something I can't take back due to stress. Stand your ground momma!
    Report Reply
  • May14th2011May14th2011 member
    I told my mom (who lives out of town ) that she is welcome to come in October and stay at a hotel. I don't want out of town guests the first few weeks, I want to establish breastfeeding (something I had trouble with last time) and I want our little family to adjust first.
    She wasn't thrilled but has gotten over it and is making her plans accordingly
    Report Reply
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    @AndieTessie I like your style. This experience is hard enough to learn and cope with on top of being tired and sore. As much as help is something I can appreciate, but I'm a pretty private person and I agree that I probably won't be at my best attitude wise when im that tired and she already gets on my nerves and i just want to feel comfortable in my own home at a time when I've experienced the biggest change of my life. @tic11934 I'm in Colorado she is in Iowa and I'm likely to be induced because of some complications.
    Report Reply
  • ForeverEverAfterForeverEverAfter member
    I would tell her straight up that if she plans to stay with you, then you'd like her to wait a few days until you settle in-but that she's welcome to visit earlier if she makes other arrangements. With #1 we had the house to ourselves for a week before my mom came to stay, and it was perfect. Just as I was getting worn out and frustrated, she appeared to cook and clean :D

    This time my MIL is flying in a few days before I'm due (standby, so she can come earlier if I go earlier) to help with my 2yo. But we're both very comfortable with her, and she visits the most of any family (M calls the spare room 'Grandma's Room') so she knows how I do things and is helpful. I would never allow my step-MIL or FIL to stay around the birth, because I feel so awkward around them. They would be asked to stay with their other family 30min away from us.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • TabulaRasa25TabulaRasa25 member
    I've got no problem with people staying at my house (it would be my parents, most likely, as they live 500 miles away, to my MIL's two blocks away).  But we don't have a guest room anymore, because it's now our nursery.  So, it's not really an option.  Small house.   
    Report Reply
  • lcarp203lcarp203 member
    My MIL lives out of state and the moment we told we told her I was preggo I had DH set boundaries. I did not want her to visit till I went back to work. I only get 6 weeks off and I want that alone With me and my baby. My MIL is very opinionated, passive aggressive and quite frankly is just difficult to deal with. He found a way to tell her and that is exactly what will happen. I am a huge believer in boundaries. Start setting them now as there will be so many more situations that you will have to down the road. She might as well get used to it.
    Report Reply
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    Just to clarify I think it's completely different to compare your own parents staying with you as the mother of a new child in comparison to having your MIL who you aren't close with. Completely different in my opinion. My husband is already telling me.his mom is going to feel unwelcome and hurt if we ask her to stay in a hotel. Arg!!! He is gonna fight me on this one. He doesn't get it. I wouldn't even let my own mother stay with us that early if they lived out of state. My house is small and I just don't like anyone feeling entitled to stay with us just because they come to see us and the baby! It's my experience not theirs.
    Report Reply
  • kbialakbiala member
    I think you should definitely let her know how you feel. It might be best coming from your husband though do you don't look like the bad guy. My MIL and parents both are from out of town. I let them both know awhile back that they are more than welcome to come stay for a few weeks, but not at our place (apt). I let them know that we wanted to figure things out on our own and although we are super comfortable with them both, we are learning and don't want to feel more stressed. They will come by everyday, but not be with us 24 hrs.
    Report Reply
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    @napoli1 well first off her and I aren't close, I'm not even sure we really like each other so having her in my home at anytime is awkward for me. Second, she doesn't cook and honestly my house is always clean, lol I can understand after about a week of not picking up after ourselves but not within the first 5 days is my house going to turn into a filthy laundry pit. My friends are doing a meal train for us as well. I know she wants to help but every time she is here she doesn't do anything. It's not her visiting and wanting to meet her grandson, I just don't want to feel self conscious in any way in my home if she is just going to be aimlessly wiping already clean counters down and waiting till I ask her to help. I just want 4 or 5 days and then she can come and stay with us, but I don't her to stay more than a 4 nights. I have a mother too! Who can help as well. 2 of them hanging over my shoulder is going to be stressful.
    Report Reply
  • missliz53missliz53 member
    I don't think you are unreasonable at all in wanting her to stay in a hotel, and not be at the hospital or there when you bring baby home or wanting her to stay away for a few days so you can bond with baby and find your bearings as a mom without anyone hovering over you. Let her be pissed off and offended: you are not responsible for her feelings or actions; she is, and she'll walk all over you if you let her. And honestly, you should ultimately have the final say because even though your husband is just as much the baby's parent, he isn't the one going through or recovering from childbirth, and he isn't the one breastfeeding and he isn't the one with raging hormones. 

    If she doesn't want to stay in a hotel or respect your boundaries, then have your husband give her the option of flying out a several days after the baby is born and have him firmly tell her that she can only stay for this many days. And if she doesn't like that, the alternative is that she doesn't come at all. Also, I don't know if she is waiting to buy her plane ticket until you have a definite date, but you can always wait a few days to tell her that the baby is here.  If he won't do it, then unfortunately, you might have to lay down the law with her. Just be polite and firm, and tell her that it isn't up for negotiation. 

    I've been fighting this battle with my mil, sil, and dad so I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm very thankful though, that DH is standing up to his family on his own. All I've had to do is set the boundaries and he takes it from there. I did explain to him that the biggest barrier for me with breast feeding will be feeling like my privacy is being invaded and that I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of breast feeding in front of other people, especially while baby and I are trying to figure it out. 
    Report Reply
  • LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
    Nobody is staying with us. I put my size 7 foot down on that one! Lol. Is there any other family she can stay with, then come over for visits? If she's against the hotel idea. I'm terrified my MIL will start dropping by daily, with tons of guests, without calling first! I'll flip. Call me or text me. If you knock on the door and wake me or baby...I'm not going to answer the door! You should have called. I NEVER stop by unannounced. Some people just don't understand this. It's a huge pet peeve of mine. You can even call me the day of, just call first!!
    Report Reply
  • azamora711azamora711 member
    You are all lucky to have that option...I'm living with my MIL while my husband is away for a new job!! So I have no escape and it's stressful. My husband has told her to back off and he has no problem telling his mom what's what but I feel badly being the bad person. Everyone says I'll get my "mama bear" tough love on once she is born and be able to tell my MiL how I need space! My mom I have no problem with but since I'm living with my MiL it's a totally different story!! Good luck though ladies!!
    Report Reply
  • lovesgummieslovesgummies member
    I *kind of* feel like it's rude to ask a family member to stay at a hotel when they are coming from so far away. If you don't actually have space that's different. But I definitely understand where you're coming from since I don't get along well with my inlaws. But they drive 7 hours to visit. If I drove 7 hours to visit close family I'd be offended if they asked me to stay in a hotel. Just a thought. I wouldn't want to start a rift over something like this.
    Report Reply
  • lovesgummieslovesgummies member
    ^Very true. I guess I missed the part where she invited herself.

    Still in general, they are family and will want to see your baby. If you allow one side to come and not the other in a reasonable amount of time, there will be hurt feelings. This is all assuming you have relationships with these people. I'm not saying let them walk all over you. But I am saying maybe think about it from a mother's perspective.
    Report Reply
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    edited August 2015
    @lovesgummies and @missliz53 I've explained a lot of this w in the thread, im not close with her, she is rude to me and she has already been out twice this.summer! After 12 years witb my husband she has not made.much effort to get to know me or build a relationship. She is a nice woman for the most part but there is already a rift as she just assumes we are to have her stay with us time after time so she can just sit around amd do nothing for 7 days straight. I wouldn't let my own mom stay the night or come.over in the first 48 hrs if that is any indication. And no not once.has she asked when a good time would be. She claims she will cook and clean but she doesn't cook and I don't need anyone cleaning. My house is small,.I do have 1 room for guests but I just don't know what she thinks she will do for days and days. And I am looking at this from a "mother's perspective", a new mother's right to privacy and time with my child. Not appeasing Grandma's feelings.
    Report Reply
  • missliz53missliz53 member
    I definitely feel your pain and I'm sorry your DH isn't being more supportive of you, you don't need the added stress right now and definitely not after the baby is born. Don't worry about your mil being offended, nobody ever said that life is fair and she'll get over it. Is there a guy who can talk to your DH about setting down boundaries with his mother? I've found with my DH, he listens a lot better to another guy than he does to me when we disagree about something. Unfortunately you might have to be the one to tell your Mil what the rules are. If your DH complains tell him that when he is the one who is giving birth, he can have the whole neighborhood stay for all you care, but until then, you get to set the rules.

    I think what you want is very reasonable.
    Report Reply
  • lovesgummieslovesgummies member
    Sorry, I only read your OP and all the beginnings of comments saying it's ok to tell her to stay elsewhere.

    I really don't know why this is rubbing me differently than everyone else. I don't have a good relationship with my in laws. I didn't want them staying with me either when we had our first. But we knew it would hurt her feelings beyond repair. Is it my problem? No, it shouldn't be. But we chose to let them stay and avoid potentially ending a relationship.

    Your op said you're conflicted. Maybe talking it out helped but it certainly sounds like you shouldn't be conflicted in your decision after reading about how she acts.
    Report Reply
  • str13str13 member
    I really think she'll just have to stay with you after delivery. She's not going to take the hint and your DH isn't comfortable telling her any different (which is fine, just stating facts). It sounds like she's coming. Unless someone tells her otherwise, she'll be at your house. The only way for her to know is to be told.
    I don't remember who said it, but just "steal" your private moments with baby. Breastfeed in your room, give her baths in the bathroom locked, etc.
    Report Reply
  • lovesgummieslovesgummies member
    Lol I just read that she is from Iowa. So is mine. Maybe I have bought a little too much into "farm family mentality."
    Report Reply
  • surprisepkg31surprisepkg31 member
    My compromise is that I want 2 or 3 days home with no one but us. After that she can come stay with us. If she wants to be here any earlier and be at the hospital she can make other arrangements or just wait to come on day 4 and stay with us 4 maybe 5 nights. But no longer than my husband's paternity leave. I will go crazy if I have to be alone with her again after her recent 2 visits. My mom and friends can come take over and help if need be.
    Report Reply
  • paine0925paine0925 member
    It never fails to amaze me how other family members make this about THEM! It's about you, your baby, and your partner. Some people are super comfortable having people around them and in their comfort zone and would thrive with extra hands helping; others, like myself, would rather be lit on fire than have a single person stay at our home after bringing baby home. I want alone time with the baby and my husband. My mom will stop by daily to cook clean and help with the baby for the first week. I'm going to have to make my husband stand strong to his family bc they all want to come stay here (we have a massive farm house with six bedrooms and three bathrooms so I can't use the excuse that there isn't room) - I'm sorry but I find it SO rude when people just expect they can come stay or invite themselves! I would never dream of doing that to someone with a newborn!!!
    Report Reply
  • vino831vino831 member
    I'm with @paine0925 "Rather be lit on fire than have a single person stay at our home after bringing baby home."

    Love it.

    I have a large house and I'm STILL not having anyone stay with us.

    My MIL stresses me out. She's passive agressive, judgemental and talks behind my back. She's a nice enough woman and all and we get along superficially but as a FTM anxious about the routine, BF, etc.

    I posted about this same conflict months ago. At the end of the day I've told my in laws that we will let them know when they can come. Told them it could be a couple days it could be a couple weeks.

    While this will hurt feelings (as she let me know... "I wasn't taking into consideration their loss") This in no way should cause a lifelong rift as other comments have suggested. They will meet the baby and get over it.

    If she really is that bad you could consider sending her some information on why that time is important to parents and baby. Perhaps something from the DR or midwives?

    Also while I'm a HUGE supporter of having the DH advocate at the end of the day (in my case) I found that he didn't really relay the reasons as well as they should have been. Having the conversation with her directly was what I had to do at the end of the day.
    Report Reply
  • RosieStadjRosieStadj member
    My inlaws offered to watch my 2yr old when my 2nd was born and they drove down a week early with an open-ended departure. Holy hell. Giving birth was a vacation from them. They are nonstop talkers. I had my husband put them in a hotel minutes after we brought the baby home. Best decision ever. For the week leading up to delivery they expected us to feed & entertain them. It was awful. And this was their 5th grandkid. But to them - this was a vacation. Our new rule is no guests - only help.
    Report Reply
  • eah325eah325 member
    @surprisepkg31 does your mom live near you? Perhaps you can ask her to do you a solid and host your MIL at her home. Then they can come visit during the day but you can have a code with your mom about- hey, it's time to get the heck out of here for the day?
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"