Baby Shower/Gender Reveal

swattney · August 2015

Wondering if any of you plan to have a gender reveal party or just tell everyone. A friend gave me the idea of combining the shower/gender reveal party because when people don't know the gender they are more likely to buy you practical/gender neutral things instead of cute pink blankets and stuff. Any thoughts? I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it in that long when the time comes but maybe!

bntfroggie · August 2015

This is exactly what I want to do and my mom is trying to convince me not to do it, because people like buying cute pink and blue things. My thought was to have a gender reveal where we don't even know the sex, and then find out when we cut into the cake, so we really wouldn't be keeping it a secret even if we wait until the shower because we wont know either.

mb0112 · August 2015

I just mentioned to my husband that I'd like to do it this way!! I'm eager to find out the sex (in fact I just peed on baking soda in an attempt to find out haha!) so it would be hard to hold off ourselves, but it would be fun to be surprised with everyone else.
Totally agree on wanting gender neutral gifts and not tons of pink or blue!

ecwk · August 2015

https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12567231/gender-reveal-shower

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

Yeah, um, I'm not a fan of sex reveals to begin with but to withhold the sex for the sole purpose of trying to manipulate the gifts that your guests give you is really icky. People will buy you what they want to buy you and you should accept graciously. To try to find a way to dictate their choice of gifts is kinda rude.

However, if you are wanting to reveal the sex at the shower for the sole purpose of being surprised with your family and friends and it's not about the gifts, then go for it. Otherwise, I'd think twice about this.

ashcav · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:

Yeah, um, I'm not a fan of sex reveals to begin with but to withhold the sex for the sole purpose of trying to manipulate the gifts that your guests give you is really icky. People will buy you what they want to buy you and you should accept graciously. To try to find a way to dictate their choice of gifts is kinda rude.

However, if you are wanting to reveal the sex at the shower for the sole purpose of being surprised with your family and friends and it's not about the gifts, then go for it. Otherwise, I'd think twice about this.

Pretty much this. I really am not a fan of sex reveal parties or announcements at all.

bntfroggie · August 2015

hmmm maybe I need to rethink this. I don't want to dictate what people get as far as gifts, it is solely because I think it would be awesome to find out with all my closest friends and family there, but I also don't want to exclude the men.

IDK, honestly I'm just trying to get out of the first trimester without incident.

saltedcaramelgelatos · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:
Yeah, um, I'm not a fan of sex reveals to begin with but to withhold the sex for the sole purpose of trying to manipulate the gifts that your guests give you is really icky. People will buy you what they want to buy you and you should accept graciously. To try to find a way to dictate their choice of gifts is kinda rude.

However, if you are wanting to reveal the sex at the shower for the sole purpose of being surprised with your family and friends and it's not about the gifts, then go for it. Otherwise, I'd think twice about this.

This. 100%

mshukh · August 2015

I disagree and think you should do what you truly want to do. Also using the word "manipulation" in this case is stretching it pretty far imo. If you want to throw in some mystery, go for it!

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

mshukh said:

I disagree and think you should do what you truly want to do. Also using the word "manipulation" in this case is stretching it pretty far imo. If you want to throw in some mystery, go for it!

But it would, in fact, be manipulative to withhold the sex in order to not get specific types of gifts.

Just like a science experiment where someone would manipulate one of the subjects to get a specific outcome. If a person is doing something to get a specific outcome of a situation, they are manipulating the factors involved in order to do so.

I think you're placing too much negativity on the actual word, when it's meaning is to manage or influence something or someone.

mshukh · August 2015

Not really. Like someone said people will give what they want and these days assume the giftee will exchange it for something else they like or need more. That's just a fact.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

mshukh said:

Not really. Like someone said people will give what they want and these days assume the giftee will exchange it for something else they like or need more. That's just a fact.

This is all true but it doesn't mean it's okay for the MTB to purposefully withhold the sex in an attempt to get gender neutral items. That's just an offhanded way of telling people what they should gift you and that's rude.

And before anyone comes back with, "Well, that's what a baby registry does," no, it does not. A registry is a checklist for the parents-to-be. If someone needs gift ideas, they can disclose it as a list of suggestions on what they would like. It's not a list of demands and should never be seen as such.

mshukh · August 2015

Yeah I am sorry I still do not see what the difference is you are trying to highlight. As a gifter I would always prefer to be steered in the direction of the gift the giftee wants (doesn't matter how they chose to do it). I do not get emotionally invested in little things like this. If I don't want to give anything, I just don't come. Otherwise, see above. That's how most people I know operate.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

The difference is that in your response, you emphasize what YOU think and how YOU choose to gift. It doesn't work like that for everyone and when it comes to showers or parties in general, it's best to apply the standard etiquette to the whole group instead of how a few individual people feel. That way you don't run the risk of insulting anyone.

I'm just saying that while that works for you, others might not see it the same way and it's best to err on the side of caution and be polite.

BridgetQuinnCline · August 2015

I like the idea of finding out but not telling anyone until the baby is born. So you can buy the clothes you want before baby gets here and then you can surprise everyone when baby comes! I think it's a win win situation. Your registry can consistent of the practical things you will need for your first baby. There's a huge checklist of things you will need and people know that. If you can keep mum until the delivery people will love the surprise for waiting to hear or see your birth announcement!

bntfroggie · August 2015

BridgetQuinnCline said:

I like the idea of finding out but not telling anyone until the baby is born. So you can buy the clothes you want before baby gets here and then you can surprise everyone when baby comes! I think it's a win win situation. Your registry can consistent of the practical things you will need for your first baby. There's a huge checklist of things you will need and people know that. If you can keep mum until the delivery people will love the surprise for waiting to hear or see your birth announcement!

See I'm on the other side of the fence with this one. I feel like if I know others should know, but if I don't know and you don't know then that is fine. My brother and SIL did this and we all thought it was a huge dick move, especially when they had a baby pool and gender was one of the things to guess, but they knew the correct answer the whole time and you paid into this pool.

BridgetQuinnCline · August 2015

To each their own! We won't be doing this but I know people whom have and I think it's OK because it's their baby and their decision. I also like the idea of revealing the name when the baby is born is you have one picked out before that you are dead set on. Again, it's your baby and your choice and you should do what you want!

CassidyACD · August 2015

If I had a choice as a invitee, I would prefer a revel with a shower. I just think it would be more fun. I would not feel manipulated, just that it is a neat idea. In general I think people are too touchy about these things. It's just a party! Have fun!

fwtx5815 · August 2015

My thoughts on all the above:

-Keeping the sex a secret to get certain types of gifts is shady and the parents should be prepared to buy all the practical necessities themselves. I agree that it's manipulative. It's using (or withholding) information to get people to do a certain thing.

-Gender reveal parties by themselves are attention whore-ish IMO but if the parents find out the sex along with the guests at a baby shower, totally fine. The hosts of the shower should be on board though.

-I'm torn about whether parents "should" tell people the sex if they choose to find out. I know people that have kept it a secret and I side eyed it because it seemed like it was for attention, but now that I'm pregnant myself, I kinda do want to keep it under wraps. I just don't like how much emphasis people put on sex/gender. It's weird. Ultimately, it's up to the parents and other people don't have to like it, it's not their kid.

-We're 90% sure we'll keep the name a secret until the baby is born. I don't even know if we'll our closest family our top name choices before we decide.

Swillah · August 2015

My family isn't in to parties except for the basics; holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. My DH's family on the other hand throws a party for every single achievement. It's pretty fun because its just an excuse to get together and have a fun time. But his family lives on the other side of the state so we miss out on most of them. They wanted us to have a gender reveal party with our first but my hubby wouldn't go for it.

This time I think I'm going to either purchase silly string in our babes gender (pink or blue) and cover it in white paper and mail it to them to spray on a big family face time night OR have cookies made up and sent to them.

I'm not expecting a shower at all because its our second( but knowing his families love of parties they will try for a sprinkle). IMO if you want to have a gender reveal baby shower who cares. It just means you are going to get a lot of gender neutral items (and if I remember right its never as cute) and you will also get either blue or pink items with a receipt because people like to purchase that sort of thing and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right!

Really most of the bigger items (car seats, strollers, pack n plays etc) are all pretty gender neutral to begin with any ways.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

Just a side note but can we please stop using the term gender to describe the sex of the baby? It's not at all accurate.

Danni7535 · August 2015

I'm not a fan of gender reveal parties by themselves. However, I like your idea of combining it with the shower. Also, how can you be withholding the sex of the baby if you yourself don't know it? I think it sounds like fun, and I'm sure YOUR friends and family will be supportive of it.

You mentioned the guys will be left out. Why? It's 2015. Just have a co-ed party. Both men and women came to my party, and it was nice. We didn't play cheesy shower games though so that probably helped the guys feel comfortable.

mb0112 · August 2015

bntfroggie said:

BridgetQuinnCline said:

I like the idea of finding out but not telling anyone until the baby is born. So you can buy the clothes you want before baby gets here and then you can surprise everyone when baby comes! I think it's a win win situation. Your registry can consistent of the practical things you will need for your first baby. There's a huge checklist of things you will need and people know that. If you can keep mum until the delivery people will love the surprise for waiting to hear or see your birth announcement!

See I'm on the other side of the fence with this one. I feel like if I know others should know, but if I don't know and you don't know then that is fine. My brother and SIL did this and we all thought it was a huge dick move, especially when they had a baby pool and gender was one of the things to guess, but they knew the correct answer the whole time and you paid into this pool.

Eeew I hate what they did with the pool! I really hate when couples act like everyone is so totally invested in whether their child is a boy or girl. When someone is pregnant I think it's fun to guess and find out the sex but asking everyone to put money down on it (or any other aspect of their baby's birth) is sooo self centered!!

BridgetQuinnCline · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:
Just a side note but can we please stop using the term gender to describe the sex of the baby? It's not at all accurate.

I think calling it a gender reveal party sounds better than a sex reveal party. I think using the term gender is totally appropriate for a newborn baby. Later in life, that can be up for discussion. I do get where you are coming from but we are talking about babies here.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

BridgetQuinnCline said:

Just a side note but can we please stop using the term gender to describe the sex of the baby? It's not at all accurate.

I think calling it a gender reveal party sounds better than a sex reveal party. I think using the term gender is totally appropriate for a newborn baby. Later in life, that can be up for discussion. I do get where you are coming from but we are talking about babies here.

Just because it rolls better of the tongue doesn't make it correct. Sex is based on the genitalia of the baby so how could it not be appropriate when in reference to babies? In fact, the use of gender is more inappropriate because of the fact that they are babies and have no idea of the behaviors of each gender.

Sex is between the legs. Gender is between the ears.

And this community is very diverse. I've met posters who are gay and those who identify with the opposite gender. So unless you know exactly who you are talking to on these boards, the potential to offend or hurt those posters is far too great. Better to be correct with your terminology that segregate a slew of people just because "gender reveal sounds better."

CassidyACD · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:

BridgetQuinnCline said:

Just a side note but can we please stop using the term gender to describe the sex of the baby? It's not at all accurate.

I think calling it a gender reveal party sounds better than a sex reveal party. I think using the term gender is totally appropriate for a newborn baby. Later in life, that can be up for discussion. I do get where you are coming from but we are talking about babies here.

Just because it rolls better of the tongue doesn't make it correct. Sex is based on the genitalia of the baby so how could it not be appropriate when in reference to babies? In fact, the use of gender is more inappropriate because of the fact that they are babies and have no idea of the behaviors of each gender.

Sex is between the legs. Gender is between the ears.

And this community is very diverse. I've met posters who are gay and those who identify with the opposite gender. So unless you know exactly who you are talking to on these boards, the potential to offend or hurt those posters is far too great. Better to be correct with your terminology that segregate a slew of people just because "gender reveal sounds better."

I would be surprised if people on this board don't already know the difference so no need to jump on anyone for that. Correct or not, she has a valid point. If I tell my family there is going to be a "sex reveal" party it would be met with wide eyes followed with hysterical laughter. "Gender" while technically inaccurate does a better job to explaining to everyone what the party is about, but taking away ambiguity.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

First, I wasn't jumping on her, just merely explaining how using the words interchangeably can be hurtful and is incorrect.

Let's think about why people would react that way - because they aren't informed or may not be aware. Or have their own issues hearing the words, 'sex reveal.' Whatever the case may be, why not take the opportunity to correct that thinking or to educate someone?

So if your family met you with wide eyes and laughter, that's more of a reason to correct them so that they don't potentially laugh in the face of someone it may affect. And if more people take the time to educate one another, this won't be so taboo or taken as odd.

I don't know, maybe it's the teacher in me, but I'm all for educating and spreading the knowledge. Not avoiding it and misusing terms to placate the uninformed.

::shrugs::

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

Not only that but if people on the board know the difference and continue to use the words incorrectly, especially in the face of potentially hurting others, well that's a shame. And it's sad.

CassidyACD · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:

First, I wasn't jumping on her, just merely explaining how using the words interchangeably can be hurtful and is incorrect.

Let's think about why people would react that way - because they aren't informed or may not be aware. Or have their own issues hearing the words, 'sex reveal.' Whatever the case may be, why not take the opportunity to correct that thinking or to educate someone?

So if your family met you with wide eyes and laughter, that's more of a reason to correct them so that they don't potentially laugh in the face of someone it may affect. And if more people take the time to educate one another, this won't be so taboo or taken as odd.

I don't know, maybe it's the teacher in me, but I'm all for educating and spreading the knowledge. Not avoiding it and misusing terms to placate the uninformed.

::shrugs::

I see what your getting at and considering we have multiple people who are transgender in the family it is not a matter of educating. It is that the word "sex" has multiple meanings and for some a "Sex reveal" gives the image of a very different kind of party.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

CassidyACD said:

MyCousinVinny said:

First, I wasn't jumping on her, just merely explaining how using the words interchangeably can be hurtful and is incorrect.

Let's think about why people would react that way - because they aren't informed or may not be aware. Or have their own issues hearing the words, 'sex reveal.' Whatever the case may be, why not take the opportunity to correct that thinking or to educate someone?

So if your family met you with wide eyes and laughter, that's more of a reason to correct them so that they don't potentially laugh in the face of someone it may affect. And if more people take the time to educate one another, this won't be so taboo or taken as odd.

I don't know, maybe it's the teacher in me, but I'm all for educating and spreading the knowledge. Not avoiding it and misusing terms to placate the uninformed.

::shrugs::

I see what your getting at and considering we have multiple people who are transgender in the family it is not a matter of educating. It is that the word "sex" has multiple meanings and for some a "Sex reveal" gives the image of a very different kind of party.

Well, in that case I would have to kindly say "They'll get over it."

CassidyACD · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:

CassidyACD said:

MyCousinVinny said:

First, I wasn't jumping on her, just merely explaining how using the words interchangeably can be hurtful and is incorrect.

Let's think about why people would react that way - because they aren't informed or may not be aware. Or have their own issues hearing the words, 'sex reveal.' Whatever the case may be, why not take the opportunity to correct that thinking or to educate someone?

So if your family met you with wide eyes and laughter, that's more of a reason to correct them so that they don't potentially laugh in the face of someone it may affect. And if more people take the time to educate one another, this won't be so taboo or taken as odd.

I don't know, maybe it's the teacher in me, but I'm all for educating and spreading the knowledge. Not avoiding it and misusing terms to placate the uninformed.

::shrugs::

I see what your getting at and considering we have multiple people who are transgender in the family it is not a matter of educating. It is that the word "sex" has multiple meanings and for some a "Sex reveal" gives the image of a very different kind of party.

Well, in that case I would have to kindly say "They'll get over it."

You know the more I think about it, the more it is correctly a gender reveal because that child will be culturally defined as the gender that matches the sex unless later in like they make a proclamation otherwise. So I would say it is a gender reveal unless everything you associate with the child from names, to pronouns, to clothes is neutral till they decide. So it is not as simple as "what is in between the ears"

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

CassidyACD said:

MyCousinVinny said:

CassidyACD said:

MyCousinVinny said:

First, I wasn't jumping on her, just merely explaining how using the words interchangeably can be hurtful and is incorrect.

Let's think about why people would react that way - because they aren't informed or may not be aware. Or have their own issues hearing the words, 'sex reveal.' Whatever the case may be, why not take the opportunity to correct that thinking or to educate someone?

So if your family met you with wide eyes and laughter, that's more of a reason to correct them so that they don't potentially laugh in the face of someone it may affect. And if more people take the time to educate one another, this won't be so taboo or taken as odd.

I don't know, maybe it's the teacher in me, but I'm all for educating and spreading the knowledge. Not avoiding it and misusing terms to placate the uninformed.

::shrugs::

I see what your getting at and considering we have multiple people who are transgender in the family it is not a matter of educating. It is that the word "sex" has multiple meanings and for some a "Sex reveal" gives the image of a very different kind of party.

Well, in that case I would have to kindly say "They'll get over it."

You know the more I think about it, the more it is correctly a gender reveal because that child will be culturally defined as the gender that matches the sex unless later in like they make a proclamation otherwise. So I would say it is a gender reveal unless everything you associate with the child from names, to pronouns, to clothes is neutral till they decide. So it is not as simple as "what is in between the ears"

Whatever you need to tell yourself to justify your ignorance. And I'm not intentionally being rude but really, you're offering up lame excuses to continue to be obtuse.

I've never understood why people can't just use the terms correctly and why there's such a defense up about it. If it were any other term, people would stand corrected but when it comes to this, there's hesitation, excuses, and foot-dragging.

It makes zero sense and to be honest, it's a real shame.

CassidyACD · August 2015

MyCousinVinny said:

CassidyACD said:

MyCousinVinny said:

CassidyACD said:

MyCousinVinny said:

First, I wasn't jumping on her, just merely explaining how using the words interchangeably can be hurtful and is incorrect.

Let's think about why people would react that way - because they aren't informed or may not be aware. Or have their own issues hearing the words, 'sex reveal.' Whatever the case may be, why not take the opportunity to correct that thinking or to educate someone?

So if your family met you with wide eyes and laughter, that's more of a reason to correct them so that they don't potentially laugh in the face of someone it may affect. And if more people take the time to educate one another, this won't be so taboo or taken as odd.

I don't know, maybe it's the teacher in me, but I'm all for educating and spreading the knowledge. Not avoiding it and misusing terms to placate the uninformed.

::shrugs::

I see what your getting at and considering we have multiple people who are transgender in the family it is not a matter of educating. It is that the word "sex" has multiple meanings and for some a "Sex reveal" gives the image of a very different kind of party.

Well, in that case I would have to kindly say "They'll get over it."

You know the more I think about it, the more it is correctly a gender reveal because that child will be culturally defined as the gender that matches the sex unless later in like they make a proclamation otherwise. So I would say it is a gender reveal unless everything you associate with the child from names, to pronouns, to clothes is neutral till they decide. So it is not as simple as "what is in between the ears"

Whatever you need to tell yourself to justify your ignorance. And I'm not intentionally being rude but really, you're offering up lame excuses to continue to be obtuse.

I've never understood why people can't just use the terms correctly and why there's such a defense up about it. If it were any other term, people would stand corrected but when it comes to this, there's hesitation, excuses, and foot-dragging.

It makes zero sense and to be honest, it's a real shame.

Wow that escalated quickly, I think you do actually mean to be rude. From this conversation I decided to look up gender and found that the definition is about the cultural definition, which is decided culturally. Later an individual can change than cultural definition thorough their own advocacy, but before that they have a default culturally defined gender. That is what started to change my mind about the use if the word, so you did change my mind, it just wasn't the direction you wanted.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

My intention wasn't to change your mind, it was to inform you of the correct usage of the term.

Think what you will but you are wrong.

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

And who is to say that a baby boy has to wear blue or play with trucks? Or a baby girl has to wear pink and play with Barbies? As parents, we are the ones who supply their introduction to the world and by limiting them to sex-specific toys, clothes, experiences, we are, in fact, gearing them towards the gender we want them to be. They don't know a difference if parents don't expose them to it.

So they aren't assigned a specific gender from the womb, it has much to do with the environment that we supply to them.

CassidyACD · August 2015

You going to call it a he? Or a she? You are culturally defining the gender at that moment

BridgetQuinnCline · August 2015

Bottom line: sex reveal or gender reveal parties whatever you want to call them are tacky in my opinion, if you want to share with family and friends that you are expecting a baby boy or baby girl that is your decision and your choice. I don't think anyone here wants to offend anyone intentionally. This really has gotten you upset, clearly. If you are expecting @MyCousinVinny congrats on whatever sex of the baby you have! Babies are blessings and that's where I stand.

mb0112 · August 2015

Combining the reveal with the shower can be fun if it's done the right way. After hearing these opinions I rethought my own ideas of revealing at the shower-- I don't know if I'd want to wait that long to find out myself, and I agree that it would not be right if we knew the sex ahead of time. The fun would be in finding out with everyone.

I don't think I'd consider attending both a gender reveal party AND a shower for someone-- it's overkill to have two parties revolving around one unborn baby (or one spotlight-loving prego).

The sex/gender thing obviously brings up strong feelings but I agree that the vast majority of us assign a gender to a baby from the start based on body parts, and there is nothing wrong with that. It would take a great deal of effort to be completely gender-neutral with clothing, toys, bathroom usage, filling out paperwork, pronoun usage, etc. We should all be aware that a child may grow up to disagree with the gender assumed at birth, and we need to be respectful of those decisions if the time comes, but in the meantime I don't think it's necessary to raise every girl as though there's a 50/50 chance she will identify as a boy, or vice versa.

BridgetQuinnCline · August 2015

Agreed! I like that way you put that! Well done! Thank you for that

MyCousinVinny · August 2015

Like I've said before, I will continue to use the terms correctly and will take opportunities to educate those that do not.

ehowa499 · August 2015

@MyCousinVinny
I like you

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