Marriage expectations — The Bump
3rd Trimester

Marriage expectations

Is it unfair that at 8 months pregnant, on my 3rd wedding anniversary, I expect more than a card that was purchased the day of? Finances are tight with baby coming, but still. Flowers, maybe? Am I out of line? Anyone?

Re: Marriage expectations

  • lol I got a travel coffee mug from my husband purchased from Wal-Mart the night before last year for my birthday. I got a computer battery this year. I think our second or third anniversary I got a vacuum... Some guys just stink at gift giving. I've learned to tell my husband exactly what I would like for an gift-giving holidays if I want to get anything I really want. :) For Valentine's Day year before last he ran by the store on the way home from work to get a card and ended up rear-ending someone trying to sign it real quick on the way home. :P Fortunately everyone was perfectly okay, and that was the one and only accident he's ever had. Vehicle damage and a same-day-bought card was a great V-Day present
    :))
    ChristyM87christina4436
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  • We don't bother with anniversary gifts. For our first anniversary we got a cake from the lady who did our wedding cake. That's it.
    Me: 37 DH: 37
    Married 5-31-14
    DD1 born 6-21-15
    DD2 born 6-11-17
    DS born 9-5-18

    Rachelmk18
  • I don't think there is a right or wrong in terms of what gifts you give to each other, but more a matter of, what is the established practice in your relationship?

    Do you normally get a fancy gift, dinner out and an hour long massage? Or do you normally get a last minute gift that while maybe not particularly glamorous shows some thought on DH's part, and is just how he is about all gift giving events?

    If this is what has always happened between you, then I don't see why it would matter now. If he's always gone above and beyond and this is what has happened this year, then is there something else going on for your DH that distracted him? Or did he used to be super romantic but the last several gift giving events he's put in minimal effort, then maybe he is slacking off with making an effort for you, and I could see why that would be upsetting.

    So I guess my point is that I need to know more about the gift-giving history of your relationship. I'm not convinced that you being pregnant or not makes a difference.
    image
    Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
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    MyCousinVinnyDChunt09tiyashrivasthav
  • I agree with @KateLouise.  What's the norm in your relationship?  If you've both always given each other gifts, then I would maybe wonder what was up.  However, you did say that money is tight so perhaps he's just being frugal.

    Although I have to say, DH and I don't really do gifts but we find ways to spend time together.  A gift should never really be expected and it's not a testament to your love of one another.  Try not to place such importance on material things and focus on the occasion - your marriage!  

    Cook an amazing dinner together, go out to a movie or a concert.  Those are moments you'll always remember and cherish.
    Because fall

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    leylacorbett1
  • I also don't understand what being 8 months pregnant has to do with getting a gift but that's just me.
    Because fall

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    cMichelle0423sarahsnowballdogsombrero
  • Meaning I am more hormonal, crazy, emotional than usual?
  • So perhaps I am a bit difficult, but husband knowing that should be a bit more attentive. Who knows
  • Meaning I am more hormonal, crazy, emotional than usual?
    But this isn't a reason to expect a gift.  Sure, hormones are going insane but you still have to try to control them.  

    Maybe you should try doing something nice for yourself!  Get a massage or pedicure.  Have a yummy lunch or take a drive to the beach.  
    Because fall

    image
  • Did you get your H anything?
    bbiutmcphcMichelle0423sarahsnowballdogsombrero
  • Kinda sounds like you wanted help justifying throwing a fit about not getting a gift. Either way I don't see what the big deal is here. Even you said yourself that money was tight. If that's the case I don't think anniversary gifts are a necessity.
  • So perhaps I am a bit difficult, but husband knowing that should be a bit more attentive. Who knows

    Did you tell him that?
  • Got him something, and yes I communicated my feelings. We talked it out. Just wanted to see how others dealt with similar situations.
  • I don't expect gifts on our anniversary. Just dinner out.
    christina4436
  • So perhaps I am a bit difficult, but husband knowing that should be a bit more attentive. Who knows

    He can't read your mind. I always tell DH what I would like for upcoming occasions. It's not fair to put unspoken expectations on someone. You're just setting both of you up for failure and hurt feelings.
    imageLilypie - (d9io)
    imageLilypie - (3w4O)
    leylacorbett1
  • Yeah my husband does not know what to do that's romantic or what to give. I have to let him know in advance and state it very clearly. I want this! Or a card is fine. Or can we have a date night please? He doesn't think about those type of things which is totally fine. I just have to be really out spoken about my feelings. If I'm disappointed I tell him so that in the future I won't be. He wants to make me happy.
    leylacorbett1
  • If your husband has not followed the normal anniversary protocol you both follow then I'd let him know what you expect. If you have suddenly changed plans/wants/needs without telling him then you need to readjust your expectations because men aren't mind readers. You need to be clear in your wants/needs not pout when they don't happen. FWIW DH and I just have a nice dinner on our anniversaries no elaborate gifts.
    Me: 28
    DH: 33
    Married 3/6/2010
    TTC since 3/2011
    2 early m/c: 9/12 & 5/13
    Booger 5/14/14
    Twins!!!! EDD 11/10/15 (37 Weeks)
    2 Furbabies Ford 16, Mongo 10

    christina4436
  • spank705 said:
    Yeah my husband does not know what to do that's romantic or what to give. I have to let him know in advance and state it very clearly. I want this! Or a card is fine. Or can we have a date night please? He doesn't think about those type of things which is totally fine. I just have to be really out spoken about my feelings. If I'm disappointed I tell him so that in the future I won't be. He wants to make me happy.

    The above is how it goes with mine, too. our 1 year anniversary was a few weeks ago, and things had been hectic. So, I put out my card &gift to him in the morning as an unspoken nudge that it was our anniversary. When he was late coming home I knew it was because he had to stop by the card/flower shop.  

    For my birthday, we were away and he didn't get a card or gift for me...but, he paid for some random things when we went souvenir shopping, and made a big deal that it was something I wanted so that was my birthday gift.

    I am the card giver/planner between the two of us, and if I don't tell him I want a card/date night/gift etc...he tends to forget about things.
    christina4436
  • Read the 5 love languages (or YouTube it for the basics). People feel loved in different ways. For example, i think gift giving and cards are nice but they don't make me feel deeply loved and appreciated. Some important people in my life do feel that way though. Knowing that about them helps me be a better friend/relative. You're not "wrong" for wanting this. Use this as an opportunity to teach your husband how to love you better. If he is a good man, he wants you to know he loves you and he also wants to feel like he is doing a good job at loving you. You might need to work on this a bit with him. According the the book, people tend to show care in the way they would like to receive it & not realize it. Good luck!
    leylacorbett1Disneygeek77
  • I've heard good things about that book, @Craiggles. Thanks for the suggestion! :)
  • If your finances are tight then you shouldn't expect anything big. I didn't get anything and I didn't care. I already got the most precious gift ever, my baby in my belly. He bought me a small cake for my bday and I was so happy! I guess I got the happy hormones.
  • My husband is a wonderful, wonderful man. Faithful, funny, devoted. Hardworking. But when it comes to gift-giving, romance, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, the guy is a complete moron. Doesn't remember them, doesn't do anything for them. At first I was hurt, then I realized something... For him it isn't malicious, it isn't insensitive, he just truly doesn't think they are important. And you know what, that's okay by me, I'm okay with letting the small stuff in life slide, he's amazing where/when it counts, the important things. At the end of my life I'm sure I won't remember what he got me for a wedding anniversary or my 30th birthday, but I bet a million bucks I will remember the sweetness, the love, the devotion, the feeling of safety from him.
    leylacorbett1
  • paine0925 said:

    My husband is a wonderful, wonderful man. Faithful, funny, devoted. Hardworking. But when it comes to gift-giving, romance, birthdays, anniversaries, etc, the guy is a complete moron. Doesn't remember them, doesn't do anything for them. At first I was hurt, then I realized something... For him it isn't malicious, it isn't insensitive, he just truly doesn't think they are important. And you know what, that's okay by me, I'm okay with letting the small stuff in life slide, he's amazing where/when it counts, the important things. At the end of my life I'm sure I won't remember what he got me for a wedding anniversary or my 30th birthday, but I bet a million bucks I will remember the sweetness, the love, the devotion, the feeling of safety from him.



    Completely agree with all of what you said, I have an identical husband and I would t change a thing about him. That said....I am 6 months pregnant with our first, having severe sciatic pain and ended up having an epidural injection this morning just to be able to walk, sleep, function in any level. Our first wedding anniversary is this weekend. He's on his 5th out of state golf trip in the last 4 months. I don't expect a gift because frankly he's terrible at gift giving....but I'm slightly bitter he's drinking and playing golf states away while I'm home by myself and unable to drive or do anything from the injection this morning...our first anniversary....I love him dearly but sometimes they just don't get it...in the end it's just a day but dang can a girl get at least a bowl of ice cream brought to her?!
    christina4436
  • Not out of line to want flowers but to expect is prob asking for disappointment. We had our 3 year anniversary and I got a card and donuts in bed which I love! We ended up going to dinner but at first I didn't want to, but I usually have to pick the place. I was also told he wanted me to go with him to pick out a flower or plant for outside. So at first was a little sad with no flowers but then thought that was sweet. Pretty sure he bought my card day of as well. Just how guys are. I would be happy you at least got a card but if you want to do something else I wouldn't hesitate to bring it up just saying you would like to celebrate more. I wouldn't bring up not getting flowers as it will just seem naggy. If anything bring it up down the road that you appreciate them as a gift and they make you happy.
  • Turn it around? Go buy some massage oil and ask for a massage for the aching pregnant back, New cankles (maybe that's just me lol) and on the stretch marks? I know that for me it was hard to feel sexy on our first anniversary being this pregnant, but I did something similar and we both got to enjoy it(and my hormones didn't get the best of me by making it into disappointment). He'll like seeing you naked(um how did u get pregnant in the first place lol) and you get some pampering. We also went to the store and bought some ice cream to share while watching a movie. Idk, I usually like gifts, but I'm learning that my husband is not so great in this department. With everything focussed on the baby lately, it was nice just to have us time and to reconnect
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