When a friend miscarries

LEGALLYblonde86 · August 2015

Im due August 26th. My cousin and his wife are due August 20th. His brother and wife announced about 3 weeks ago that they were expecting and have been trying for a while. Everyone was so excited. I got a call this morning from my Aunt that she miscarried. They are devestated. I know she wasnt ready to really talk yet, so I just sent a quick text "I love you, Im thinking about you. I am sorry this happened and I am always here if you need anything".
If you have had a miscarriage, what was something that someone did or said that made you feel better and what should people avoid?

CaliforniaDream87 · August 2015

My space is what I appreciated the most. Honestly, the last thing I needed to see was very pregnant women. Give her space she will come around.

J&D2007 · August 2015

I think what you did was perfect. In my experience, there is nothing that could be said or needed to be said. Continue to be as mindful going forward, as I know seeing babies and baby showers and Anyang else was always painful. Obviously, don't push pictures or visits with your little one and let her come to you as she feels ready.

cseley321 · August 2015

I don't mean this to come off rude, but honestly there is most likely nothing that you can say to make her feel better - especially with you being pregnant. Your best bet is to wait for her to approach you first and if she does, just listen and say as little as possible other than offering support and a shoulder to cry on.

LEGALLYblonde86 · August 2015

Thank you. I dont want to push her, just want her to know we love them.

EileenY324 · August 2015

I'm 38 weeks and my co-worker just miscarried at 12 weeks. She is obviously devastated and seeIng my face and belly every day is prob incredibly difficult for her. I've just been really mindful to be super supportive and listen to all her thoughts and feelings during this time. I've also just continue to reinforce what her dr and family has been saying that this sometimes happens and it's nothing she did or didn't do and she will have her perfect baby one day.

LEGALLYblonde86 · August 2015

Crystal321 said:
I don't mean this to come off rude, but honestly there is most likely nothing that you can say to make her feel better - especially with you being pregnant. Your best bet is to wait for her to approach you first and if she does, just listen and say as little as possible other than offering support and a shoulder to cry on.

I dont think you came off as rude. I dont expect to make her feel better, more looking for ways to not make her feel worse with there being babies right around the corner. Thank you.

Kwest1007 · August 2015

I agree with the other posters! I work at various facilities and when I first started at a new one, I had just announced I was 14weeks pregnant. Unfortunately there was another therapist there who just had a miscarriage (I didn't know). I felt horrible and def uncomfortable for the first couple of weeks. I made sure not to talk about it at work and eventually her n I became very close and she was very happy for me! On an even more positive note, she's now 13 weeks pregnant!!

acgonzalez22 · August 2015

When I miscarried, my two best friends were pregnant. I was crushed because we had all these plans for the babies to grow up together. They both gave me my space as well as sent flowers and cards. Once I started to feel better we planted a butterfly garden together. To this day we have coffee,watch the butterflies, and laugh. For me, I appreciated the fruit or personal texts people sent. I didn't have to talk but knew I was thought of often.

cseley321 · August 2015

The sad thing is, even if you have the best intentions, things may get misconstrued. I remember my best friend at the time told me "well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be, or there was something wrong with the baby." I remember I cried for days and was so mad at her that I didn't speak to her for almost a year. In hindsight I know I overreacted and that statement may have even been true, but it just cut me so deep to hear that. I never said anything to her about it and she is probably none the wiser, but just be careful when trying to offer comfort and advice.

toccoaparker · August 2015

I think the text you sent her should be sufficient, less is more in these types of situations- give her space, when she is ready I'm sure she will let you know, and when she does just be there for her:)

heath3er · August 2015

I miscarried 2 months before I got pregnant this time. I was devastated. My silly told me she was pregnant the day I miscarried.. it was terrible..

But two months later I got the news that our baby would be born in august.

It took me a few weeks to be ok. Just very sad and emotional.

levirogers · August 2015

I miscarried at 20 weeks, some of the things I hated to hear: God knew you weren't ready, oh its okay you'll have another, and at least he didn't live long for a breath and then lose him. Yes, I hated that I miscarried, but the comments were worse. People are sooo negative.

deviduke412 · August 2015

I announced I was pregnancy at Christmas and the next day my 39 year old Aunt announced she was due 2 weeks after me. Unfortunately, she miscarried at 16 weeks. I waited for her to come to me. I sent her a card in the mail to let her know I was thinking and praying for her and then gave her her space until she was ready. I think that was the best thing I could do and eventually she came to me and opened up.

benmel31 · August 2015

I think what you did was perfect. Give her time and space to come to you. With you due soon, it will probably be very hard on her so you may not get much enthusiasm when your LO is born.

FWIW, my SIL has avoided me for this entire pregnancy. She has had at least 2 chemical pregnancies and a missed miscarriage that she learned about at 11w. All of these were before my miscarriage in September. At Christmas, she called me on being pregnant (when I was only about 5 weeks and not wanting to talk about it yet). I have basically not seen or talked to her since then. I know from other family members that she just cannot handle being around anyone who is pregnant. (My guess is she has had more miscarriages than I am aware of and she also learned that she has some sort of auto-immune issue that is keeping her from getting pregnant again). My point is, she may have difficulty dealing with pregnancies, babies, etc. for a while. I would just give her the space to come to you. And don't be upset if she stays away.

raelynch87 · August 2015

I miscarried before this baby and at first having space was the best thing. I cried a ton. Hearing that other woman had a miscarriage and went on to have healthy babies helped a lot after a few weeks. The idea that someday I would have my baby and 2 months later I was pregnant with LO.

CarelessDiva89 · August 2015

When I had one I didn't tell anyone but my husband because I didn't want everyone to know or talk about it. So I think everyone handles miscarriages differently so I think what you said was great and I would just leave it at that & give her space to process everything until she is ready to talk about it.

kelseyrayay · August 2015

I really think it depends on the person. I had a friend who was 20 weeks pregnant with twins. She just recently lost her babies due to preterm labor. It actually happened on Sunday. She had to go to specialist and everything just to get pregnant. With her she is very open about it and wants to talk about it. That's her way of healing. I think what you did was great. I told my friend I was thinking of her and praying for her and if she needed anything to let me know.

mommyofX · August 2015

Crystal321 said:
The sad thing is, even if you have the best intentions, things may get misconstrued. I remember my best friend at the time told me "well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be, or there was something wrong with the baby." I remember I cried for days and was so mad at her that I didn't speak to her for almost a year. In hindsight I know I overreacted and that statement may have even been true, but it just cut me so deep to hear that. I never said anything to her about it and she is probably none the wiser, but just be careful when trying to offer comfort and advice.

@crystal321
After losing our baby in May of 2014.. My BEST friend had made a comment to me via text and wished me happy Mother's Day a week after our loss! I was livid but I know she was coming from a good place and knew she was praying for us. But it just didn't make sense to me why shed say that when that child would of been my first.

gardensparrow · August 2015

It sounds like you're doing a good job of just being there and letting her know you'll listen. I'm not sure there's any "right thing" to say during a time like this, but I think just letting her know you understand she's grieving right now can go a long way. Sometimes it seems with miscarriages, people expect you to get over it quickly and don't realize how big a loss it can be for some people. I also thought there was some helpful info in this article, as far as knowing how to support someone. So, just FYI. But she's fortunate to have you in her life...

cseley321 · August 2015

mommyofX said:

The sad thing is, even if you have the best intentions, things may get misconstrued. I remember my best friend at the time told me "well, maybe it just wasn't meant to be, or there was something wrong with the baby." I remember I cried for days and was so mad at her that I didn't speak to her for almost a year. In hindsight I know I overreacted and that statement may have even been true, but it just cut me so deep to hear that. I never said anything to her about it and she is probably none the wiser, but just be careful when trying to offer comfort and advice.
@crystal321 After losing our baby in May of 2014.. My BEST friend had made a comment to me via text and wished me happy Mother's Day a week after our loss! I was livid but I know she was coming from a good place and knew she was praying for us. But it just didn't make sense to me why shed say that when that child would of been my first.

Ugh that sucks. I would have been completely livid. I never told anyone except my husband about my subsequent miscarriages (they were all early term) because of all of the hurtful "encouragement" I got from my first pregnancy/miscarriage. It's really sad but I think it's just one of those things where people don't know how to react or what to say..

As for the OP, I think what she did was perfect. Send a message offering support and regrets over the horrible situation and leave the door open to the grieving family..

907_baby · August 2015

I had two SILs who live close by that were each about 6 month pregnant when I miscarried. One gave me a hug at a family gathering, then backed away and waited for me to come to her. I really appreciated this! The other would give me pitiful expressions as if I was a wounded animal. And still shared ALL of her pregnancy updates. When she did offer "support", it was usually cliche comments about things happening for a reason, or how now my son had an angel watching over him. -these comments, although well intended were like salt I the wound. (She had good intentions, just a little clueless.)

I agree with PP, everyone handles MC differently. But I think less is definitely more. Your text is perfect, just don't feel hurt if she takes some time to come around and really respond.

pinkspringtulip · August 2015

I had four losses before this baby and I think that what you did was probably for the best. Just give her space and if she wants to talk about it, she will come to you. If you're close, you could also send her flowers - my sister did that for me and I really appreciated it as it made me feel like she was really acknowledging my loss.

Jessy336 · August 2015

Definitely give her space, and I think the text you sent was perfect. When I had a miscarriage last November, my SIL was about 30 weeks pregnant with her second. Instead of calling our texting a lot, her and my BIL sent flowers with a card telling us they were thinking about us. It was difficult to see her at Christmas time, but I really appreciated that she had given me space when I needed it most.

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