How to talk to your other LO's about birth...

laceyjaep · August 2015

Just want to get some ideas/thoughts about this. I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter. She's a little unlike other kids her age in that she is not very curious and doesn't ask many questions. She is also not very imaginative. She's very literal. So, I have never addressed birth with her as she has never asked me any questions about how her baby brother is going to come out of my tummy. Well, the other night she touches my belly and says, "Your tummy is getting really big, Momma. Later your tummy is going to broked and Jaxon is going to come out. (then a change of tone to very worried) He's going to hurt you! I don't want him here! He's going to hurt you! And then there's going to be red (blood) everywhere!" Apparently she has envisioned a very "Aliens" like scenario where my stomach grows until it bursts and a baby pops out. I tried to ease her mind and told her that mommy would be okay and that's not how it will work...but I didn't want to give her real details as I was afraid that A.) It would scare her and B.) She would go around telling everyone on God's green earth what is going to happen down there!

So, do any of you ladies have ideas on how to effectively communicate this without all the gory details?

aah1013 · August 2015

I would leave it as vague as possible. Something like, "mommy and daddy will go to the hospital and the doctor will take the baby out. He learned how to do it at doctor school. You came out the same way as your brother will. Then mommy's belly will get smaller again." If there are more questions, you could just keep it very very basic and uninformative. "How will the doctor do it?" "I'm not sure of the details, but the doctor has special skills and tools."

My daughter is only 3yo, but we're letting her know the important stuff. I'll be sleeping at the hospital for a few days. Grandma will bring her one or two times a day to visit. I'll have a boo-boo on my belly (she's seen my previous cs scar and knows that's where she came out). She fortunately doesn't even know what blood is yet.

Good luck!

bbiutmcph · August 2015

My DS1 is very detail oriented. He was three when I had DS2. Our case was a little different as I knew I was having a repeat csection. I explained that on the day his brother would come that Dad and I would be in a room with our doctor who DS had met already. That they would give me medicine that would make me not hurt and Dad would be there to help me. I said they would cut open my belly and take his brother out. Now DS1 is terrified of blood but he asked if there would be some and I was honest. I just repeated that it wouldn't hurt because they give me special medicine. I explained the doctor would give me a big bandaid and make sure my belly was all good again after and that then he could meet his brother and then see me. When my DH went out to get DS from the waiting room he was still in his OR gear and my son yelled "see I told you my dad was like a doctor today." In general I try to be as honest as possible with my kids but leave it age appropriate meaning leave out details they don't need to make something make sense at their age. DS2 is not going to be quite three and totally different in his interest or questions. He's ok with the answer to doctor is taking out your sister so you can meet her concept so we are sticking with it. DS1 will be 6 and had asked a few more questions which I have just answered honestly.

amberrmariee20 · August 2015

My son will be 4 in September, he's very talkative and very imaginative for his age. He tells everyone he's going to have a baby brother named Liam and he's going to pop out of mommys belly button. I left it as is.. And he's okay with that. I won't get into actual details with him till he's much older !

komorebi · August 2015

I told my 4 yo in basic terms and we watched a couple of the births from the business of being born. She is very imaginative and smart and the questions were seriously getting to me. She was not accepting any dumbed down responses. She thinks it's great. Kind of funny and wants to be there.

MamaOwl15 · August 2015

I was 5 when my youngest sister was born, and I'm also very literal and not good with "creative" explanations about things. I don't think I ever bothered to ask my mom how my sister got out of her belly, though I do recall her explanation of birth being that babies came out through "the baby door." I imagined a literal door in her belly.

I think it's a good idea to say something along the lines of "the doctor will help take the baby out," and "it will hurt some like when you skin your knee and there will be some blood, but the doctor will take good care of me and I'll feel better soon."

My son is two and I don't think he really has gotten to the point of wondering how babies get out of their mother's tummies. He understands babies and he knows that one is in my belly, but I don't think he's thought about how they get out.

batmom05 · August 2015

My son will be 10 in September, so obviously our approach is far different. He is very scientifically minded and is a big reader. He has always loved science, so we have talked a lot about the science behind it. He is very fascinated with the way that baby grows, the placenta and the concept of it all.

A few months ago we had the where babies come from conversation and in the process he asked how they "escape" as he put it. I explained the concept of a c-section and vaginal birth to him. He was very interested in all of it. After a few days, he got really nervous about the whole thing and had more questions. We were very honest with him about the whole thing.

I honestly think that if he had been younger, I would have taken the same approach just age level appropriate. If it were me, I think I'd explain it as when it's time for the baby to come, you'll have to go to the hospital and the doctor will help the baby come out. The doctor has had special training to help babies get here safely just like mommy has had training on how to do xyz safely. It was helpful for my son when I related it back to things he could already understand. It also helped him when I explained that it wasn't going to hurt me - I'd be sore for a few days, but it wouldn't be unlike a time when he was injured.

Another thing that I found helpful was to tell him that this is something it's okay to discuss with us or his grandparents but not to discuss at school. We told him that some parent's choose to be honest with their kids and some people are uncomfortable with it and don't want to give that many details. We are a family that uses anatomically correct terminology and are very honest with him. We feel it's the best way to prepare him and protect him.

As an additional aside, this came in very handy when explaining that we are going to breastfeed. He already knows that one of the things that makes us mammals is our ability to feed our children human milk. I thought he might be uncomfortable with the concept, but his science-brain kicked in and that was the perspective he looked at it from! We try to tie in any opportunity we can to teach him at an age appropriate level.

sweet+cheeks · August 2015

I have been very honest with my 2 1/2 yo DD. She has not asked about the baby coming out, but if she does I will tell her simply how the body works and the proper names for anatomy. She knows the baby is in my tummy in something called a uterus. There is nothing shameful about making babies and I never want her to feel ashamed of her body or afraid of it either. I feel like being honest and open about the whole process is the best option.

Srhbgr · August 2015

I agree with pp that you should be vague but honest. Just answer the questions she directly asks you and don't go into further detail without her probing, however, in regards to your two worries:

A) she doesn't have the same embarrassment about genitals that older kids would, so this could actually be a great time to introduce her to the fact that they are for more than peeing (you don't have to go into how baby got their, but some more detail about their being a special place for baby to come out may comfort her)

B)If you don't treat it like a big deal then she won't either. You may want to mention that other kids don't know this yet and that she should let their parents tell them, but if you don't get excited and treat it as a super special thing, then she won't think it's such great news.

dannie134 · August 2015

I don't know what I will do with my own (FTM), but I was visiting my sister and 3 nephews this weekend and the 3 and 5 year old were asking questions about the baby. My sister was very honest with them, and told them the baby would come out of my vagina. At first I was a little surprised, but they actually were curious and were trying to figure out how that was different from what they had and it was kind of refreshing to feel like we didn't have to make up a story or dance around the actual terminology. Might not be what you want to do (it's a very personal choice how you approach these issues with your own kids) but I was surprised how much it didn't seem like a big deal and they moved on pretty quickly.

They are also boys and very interested in their own reproductive parts right now, so that may also factor in. It might be different with girls.

laceyjaep · August 2015

I love all of the different feedback. Thank you!

gabrielafrnqyepez · August 2015

my 7 yr old came to me a few weeks ago asking when i was going to poop the baby out !!!! i laughed so hard i almost peed on myself but then i explained that mommy might A. have the baby come out my girl parts just like he came or B. the doctor would make a small cut on my tummy and then pull the baby out, he looked concerned and asked if it would hurt i then proceeded to explain the whole pain med thing and he got it i was surprised as to how simple it was. what did baffle his mind was the breastfeeding conversation because he cant understand how i could possibly make mommy milk into cow milk in my body and then feed the baby with my breast !!!! it took a while but hes got that down too !! i agree that being honest and factual is better than avoiding it, also depending on maturity and age!

SarahAnne1101 · August 2015

I am doula, and working towards becoming a CNM. So birth is a much more common discussion in our house than in most. DD - now 6 - has been with me when I'm studying since she was born. A birth documentary or training videos playing during the day was common for her so when she was 3 and DS was born she got the basic concept. " You push and you push and then your butt falls off and the baby comes out or the doctor opens up your tummy and takes the baby out." Not completely accurate but was aware of basics. She's 6 now and has much more understanding of it than most 6 year olds. She's also fully aware of breasts and nursing and all that. DS is 3 now, and hasn't been as exposed, because I'm further in schooling and he gores to part time preschool, which DD didn't. But he also has the general idea. It hasn't traumatized them and they seem much more comfortable knowing what is happening and where I will be.

Sweet Sadie Mae · August 2015

Hmm my daughter is 4 and I told her where the baby is going to come out of. I guess I just think it's important for kids to understand real life scenarios. She didn't have a problem with it and really didn't even ask anymore questions after that. Just reassure her that her brother will not hurt mommy and he is going to love his big sister! Don't worry we do Santa and the Easter Bunny... I'm not that wacked with the real life stuff.

mandy903 · August 2015

My kids are 6 and 8 and they started asking questions a few months ago and I told them that mommy will push the baby out of my vagina. They already know the basic anatomy of male vs female bodies bc a couple years ago they asked and I told them the truth. I want them to hear it from me and know the real terms. They don't know about sex yet but when they ask I will be honest. So far this approach has seemed to make them both comfortable with coming to me about body concerns or things they hear that they are confused about.

Edit for typos

MrsFaust1432 · August 2015

Just saw this on Facebook and thought it may be helpful for someone.
Pregnancy explained by Dr. Seuss. (I'm not sure if it's really Dr. Seuss, but it's still cute!)

102215duryee · August 2015

My DH went all "knocked up" or was it "this is 40" on my daughter. He jumped in and was like "well mommies butt is going to fall off and then you dig, dig, dig, and then there's a baby!" My poor DD looked at me in horror. Lol please don't do that.

braly255 · August 2015

I told my 6 year old girl a PG version of the truth. I am an ER nurse, and I come from a very "medical family". Our Thanksgiving dinner table topics are usually discussions on medical scenarios. She has always been around it, and has always known "true" words.. A penis is a penis, a vagina is a vagina and so forth. She actually brought this up just the other day.. I knew I wasn't going to get away with dancing around the subject and giving a stork type story.. I told her that the baby would come out of my Vagina, unless the doctor thought he needed to cut him out of my tummy. She responded with "I think I will just adopt a baby when I get older!" ☺️

MamaOwl15 · August 2015

I fully agree with telling the truth. For some kids, an edited version is appropriate, depending on their developmental level and age. But making up terminology or scenarios like in "Knocked Up" will just confuse them later.

And never, ever use the term "baby door."

aah1013 · August 2015

I read through all if these and while I think it's important for kids to know honest answers, OP also stated that her son was pretty freaked out about the blood and pain that mom would be experiencing. It's so important to gear things toward your own child. What works for one child is not always best for another.

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