I don't want anyone to hold my newborn. Normal?

BriannaCaitlin · August 2015

I have twin girls who are eight months old, so the whole newborn thing is still pretty fresh in my brain, but it was totally different having babies in the NICU. We didn't let any family visit because we could only have four visitors our entire NICU stay and we both have step parents and didn't think that it was fair. Well, at least that's what we told people. It was true that we could only have four visitors, but honestly we didn't let anyone visit because I didn't want anyone to. I can tell already that I'm going to be the same way this time around. My SO and I were talkig about it when he got home this morning, and he thinks that we should let everyone visit and be able to hold her, but honestly I just don't think that I can do it. Besides the fact that I'm stingy with my new babies, it will be flu season just like when my twins were born. We also have a lot of smokers on both sides, and even now we don't go to smokers houses with our girls and they don't hold them if they've been smoking. So I guess I'm just wondering how you feel about people holding your newborn, and WHO did you/will you let visit? Do you have a problem with people holding baby and let them do it anyway? My SO was totally supportive with the girls since they were preemies, but he feels like this time around I'm being too protective.

Latina211508 · August 2015

I personally don't like people holding my newborn. With my first I was very young when I had him and I didn't mind people holding him. But after having my second I didn't like anyone holding her. I guess it's more of my husbands side (the in-laws). They like to hold babies forever, like for an hour or more. They don't hold the baby for a little and give them right to the mom. They like to pass the baby around etc. I honestly hate that. I'm pregnant with my fourth and actually happy that my in-laws are re-stationed in another state. So I will probably let my mom hold our newborn first but she likes to give space to the new mom and I'll probably see her a week or two after delivery. Which I actually love. Honestly do what's comfortable for you. It's your baby and hubby's. But you need to feel ok with who is holding your baby. I was protective too.

taysun · August 2015

I'm already planning and preparing BF for my obsession about who will and will not hold baby. Its going to be flu season and some of his family are smokers. He says he doesn't care but he's very understanding and says he'll let me make the decisions until I'm.comfortable.

Mizuiro007 · August 2015

The two people I would never keep from holding the baby are my mom and grandmother. Both have had major influences on my life and my mom has been up on infant CPR and first aid for about 20 years.

Other family members I was hesitant with. I think after so many months carrying the baby and keeping them so safe, it's hard to let go of that control. With my son I told myself it wasn't healthy for him or I for me to keep feeling that way. Once I started letting others hold him it got a lot easier. I feel like I'll go through the same this time.

I'm not uncomfortable with my family though. I trust them to hold my babies. It would be very different if I didn't trust them or if they were smokers. Hubby worked in a casino when our son was born and would come home smelling like smoke and ash. He would have to shower and change before he could hold the baby so I'd have no issue telling someone else no for smelling like smoke.

My father didn't get to see my son until he was almost three months old but that's a whole other complex issue.

redfallon · August 2015

Totally normal to not want anyone to hold your newborn.

ketobaby · August 2015

Flu season and germs are a concern for me. So are people holding the baby too long, especially those who are connected to my SO who I don't know or don't know very well. Really hoping people will be respectful of this. I know my family is very intuitive and will give space when needed or offer help when I look stressed.

Hoping people who come over will offer to help around the house as well, other than just try and hold my baby for hours at end.

MrsBwIVF · August 2015

I have already told DH that we are blessed with twins so I will always have one in my arms and we can pass around the other. When that one has made their rounds, we will switch them out. Our family and friends know how far of a road it was for us to get this far so I don't forsee any problems.
I also plan on having a huge pump of hand sanitizer with me the first few months, if you want to hold one, lather up your hands!

Marchmellow2 · August 2015

No one will hold my newborn unless they've had a flu shot and DTAP. There is nothing wrong with protecting your babies. Their immune systems are so fragile at that age. I also had a NICU preemie. I remember how careful they were about letting anyone in the NICU. No one was allowed to visit unless they had recent flu and DTAP shots. During flu season the NICU ups their security. So I'll be following the same rule this time around too.

LMJL · August 2015

I think it's normal to feel protective & you really need to assess each situation & the potential harm to your child, as well as the impact of your decision on your family & relationship with them & your SO. I know I LOVED holding my newborn nieces & nephews as an aunt. Of course, I always washed up & made sure to support their head & would tell mom to let me know when she wanted them back. Everyone is different though. My Sis in law had no one visit at the hospital, only my brother, but my sis had me there 24/7 almost & was thrilled to let me take the baby so she could sleep.
I'm glad you posted this b/c it makes me think about what I will do. I have a sister who's disabled due to a brain injury & I need to think about how I will handle the situation when she asks to hold the baby, which I know she will want to do.
Maybe you could limit the hospital visits, like my sis in law & get a pump of antibacterial lotion so you can make sure everyone actually does that in front of you before they hold the baby. You could also ask you SO to ask them to not smoke before they come & then ask them to sit while they hold the baby, showing them the right way to do so. Maybe also say something along the lines of, "it's close to her feeding time so I might need her back soon" when you do this, so that you have a ready excuse to take her back when you want. This way you're setting up a situation your SO & you both feel good about. & if anyone doesn't want to jump through those hoops then they probably don't want to hold the baby that badly! Good luck!

celainev · August 2015

I am excited for my family and my DH's family to hold my newborn!! Granted, nobody in my family smokes and we are all healthy people. As a nurse, I am not afraid of the flu. I've been forced to get the flu shot every year for years, and I still manage to get the flu and stomach flu multiple times a year. It's something I'm prepared for my baby to also get.
I know it's up to each individual mom, this is just my opinion!

Taylovesbrad · August 2015

Love this posted. I literally don't want anyone to touch him when he is so little lol. Not so mu ch with family but will be staying away from churches for a while. If you don't wash your hands first yoy are not touching him.

ToneGirl · August 2015

I am a germ freak and having a baby right in the heart of flu season has my anxiety already through the roof. I will be VERY cautious of who gets to hold my daughter. Even my other kids...I will be wiping them down head to toe with Clorox wipes before they come close to her. I'm that mom that wipes my kids clean in the car right after I pick them up from school. Haha!

Sunny2015 · August 2015

I feel the same way. Most of our families smoke, but my parents have agreed to be clean that day and when we bring her for visits. His family has not so I'm not sure how we will handle that. With it being flu season as well I really wouldn't want anyone handling her.

jackiesue586 · August 2015

Its totally normal and i think its part of our natural maternal instincts.

I didn't like sharing my babies either. Babywearing helps keep hands off baby:)

GodIsFaithful93 · August 2015

Totally normal. I barely wanted anyone holding my DD mostly because I knew It would be hours before I'd get her back. DH's family is like another poster mentioned and they just take turns forever. They ALL came in town last time for the weekend. I had PPD (didn't realize it then). I had to take her in our room to BF, and I sat on the bed and stared at her and cried. It was wayyyyyy too much for my hormones. I felt like I needed that bonding time with her. I was terrified to leave her side, and it sucked having everyone there when I felt so crappy. This time my DD will be 20mo when this LO is born. My MIL will come into town & help out which I really appreciate but I know I'll still be picky on who I want to hold her. No smoking before people hold her and everyone, and I mean everyone, is washing their hands.

powellgirl · August 2015

I've been struggling with this too! Christmas parties will be happening soon after the baby comes. I know everyone will want to see the baby, but there are a few people who are smokers that I don't want holding my baby. DH is a supporter of this to certain extent...his grandmother smokes and he is very close with her. He can't imagine her not holding the baby. She's relatively unhealthy, so she might not have many chances to hold him, but at the same time I don't want a sickly smoker holding my baby.

adbrading · August 2015

I don't know how I will feel once baby is here but this is very common. You are their mother and allowed to feel however you want. This is YOUR baby but your family will also feel like is is their new family member and will be thrilled. Maybe talk to them about it before hand. Ask them to be patient with you. No one should make you out to be some sort of monster because you are feeling protective of your LO.

LaceyH13 · August 2015

I am intrigued at this. I suppose I had never thought about it being a bad thing. I am a FTM, so I am the first to admit that I don't know exactly how I will feel in any given situation, but I always thought it would be a blessing to have somebody want to hold baby. Perhaps I am mostly thinking of the grandmas and grandpas, but baby will be with me at work until his 6 month birthday, and I am kind of counting on my coworkers helping me out by holding him.

Is it mostly the germ thing? Or is there something more to it? I am genuinely wondering, because I haven't felt that hang-up yet, and I am wondering if I am missing something that everybody else knows about?

grkgdss00 · August 2015

I can't say, as I haven't been through the "mama bear" experience yet. But for now I don't see an issue with close friends and family holding my baby, as long as they are healthy and have washed hands, etc. I've had several friends give birth over the past year, and I always go and visit them and they hand baby straight to me. It's heartwarming! Can you imagine going to visit a newborn and not being able to hold it? OMG I would cry. haha but maybe that's just my circle, we are all very close and same with my family. The more to love him/her!

hummingbird35 · August 2015

My doctor told me that flu season would be over by my EDD (dec 13)??? I want immediate caretakers to have the flu shot and updated TDAP... Haven't asked fMIL yet, might assign that duty to bf. I am mostly worried about the early months. Once he's 3 months old he'll be coming with me to work and get exposed to plenty of things... But I thought they were much more vulnerable in the first few weeks and have been paranoid about that. I doubt I will ask baby's elderly great gma to update her TDAP, but I think she gets a flu shot every year. My doc thought it was a good idea to have all immediate caretakers vacced

groovylocks · August 2015

Normal? Yes I think so.

yl1m32015 · August 2015

I wouldn't dare deny my mother or mil an opportunity to hold the baby. Those 2 are already chomping at the bit. I will however be limiting visitors and outings for the first few months. I've also already expressed several times that I'll be toting a giant bottle of hand sanitizer around and you must wash hands before touching baby.

The flu absolutely worries me, and I like the thought of requesting close family to receive the flu shot, but considering last years flu shots were a bust, I won't enforce that myself. Just regular hand washing and if anyone so much as has the sniffles, they don't enter the house.

BriannaCaitlin · August 2015

@LaceyH13, I'm such a germ freak that I get on my own nerves sometimes so the majority of it for me is the germs. But a lot of it this time around I think is because of other reasons too. When my twins were born I didn't get to hold them until they were three and four days old, and I still feel sad that I missed out on those first few days of bonding with them. This time, I don't want to miss a second of time with Parker because it was so hard for me to deal with last time. Also, the way that people reacted when we didn't let them hold our twins was very negative and inconsiderate. Everyone made it all about them instead of about my daughters' health. That really makes me not really want to deal with anyone this time either.

fmraglio · August 2015

I think it's normal to feel that way. We are going to have strict rules about hand washing (antibacterial soap or handwash only) since it will be flu season, and will be requesting everyone has their vaccinations up to date. I'm a nurse so I feel I am more paranoid about these things than maybe others are, but I have a good reason to feel this way due to things I've seen.

We also have a strict no smoking policy around the baby and if you DO smoke you have to wash hands to your elbows and change your clothes. Yes it's a pain in the ass for them, but I don't care. Sever asthma runs in my family and I don't want her exposed to more than she needs to be. DH is trying to quit smoking simply so he doesn't have to deal with that, and if he can put up with it being around her daily then visitors most certainly can deal as well.

These are YOUR babies and you're entitled to any feelings and rules you think of. If anyone doesn't like it they don't have to be in your life. Just do what feels right for you

As far as DH he'll understand eventually. Maybe not right away but be firm with him and talk to him...let him know how strongly you feel about it and reasons why. Men are weird in that sometimes they just need things laid out perfectly for them before they can even begin to understand, but when it comes down to it this is his child too and he wants this baby as safe and as healthy as you do.

Latina211508 · August 2015

I definitely got more protective or picky about who holds my baby. I don't mind someone holding my baby and giving them back. But as I said before my husbands side likes to hold the baby forever and won't ask if you would like the baby back or won't ask if it's ok if someone can hold them. They end up just passing the baby around. I personally don't like that. But I'll admit I don't trust my mil that whole much. I just like my baby with me 24/7.

LaceyH13 · August 2015

If I were around people who smoked I would probably be more cautious, too. Nobody in either of our families or friend groups smoke, so that hadn't occurred to me.

MoreKittens · August 2015

Flame away (or talk some sense into me!): If you've got your shots, you can hold my baby.

Except my FIL. He's a smoker, doesn't bathe regularly (or at all), can't steady himself, can't get himself out of a chair, is missing teeth, and has brain damage. I absolutely do not want him holding my child. I'm honestly hoping that he won't get the flu or DTAP so he'll automatically take himself out of the equation.

I'm going to go hide under my chair now because I feel like a horrible, judgy person.

Blake&Blair · August 2015

i love seeing fam/friends eager to cuddle and holding my babies. It's just an indescribable feeling to see others loving on them and honestly, it's nice to have a break from baby. I want them to get used to and comfortable with others caring for them, for others to understand how to soothe and comfort them.

rdmilakovich · August 2015

It seems a simple question but it's so complex when you throw all those feelings (and postpartum hormones!) in there! I think it's definitely normal to have a strong protective instinct over your newborn but at the same time watching a grandmother or an aunt love on your baby can give you so much joy! (And your arms a much needed rest!)

It's hard when you have baby so close to the holidays because there are endless family gatherings, and visitors, and GERMS!

I am pretty relaxed when it comes to letting people hold my babies - it's good for the baby to meet different people and it's good for extended family to get to bond with the baby. My only pet peeve is when extended family feel they have the right to simply take my baby out of my arms - that is not happening this time around! Ask politely, wash your hands, and I'll most likely happily hand him over.

I would definitely recommend baby wearing if you're uncomfortable passing the baby around.

At the end of the day though it's your baby, you did all the work the last 9 months, trust your motherly instinct and share the baby with whomever you want ... or not

Taylovesbrad · August 2015

It's a germ thing for me. And a don't break my baby thing for some people

ChiccoBeanz · August 2015

Hmm, I think this is normal. I'm also adopting the whole no handwashing= no baby holding, touching, nothing. My mom has been with me and my SO for every step of this. So my mom gets dibs after my SO. My dad and my SO dad will of course want to tote around their first grandchild, grandson at that, so I'm totally fine with them. FMIL is ok too, but she'll probably be watched more. I have a feeling she'll be a little too free with passing my son around...and no that's a dead issue. Of course baby's great grandma can hold him and our sisters. Everyone else is at my discretion... but I'm nuts *shrugs*.

Jmdavin · August 2015

I hadn't really thought about other people and baby holding yet... Definitely something to start thinking about!

I do know that we are not going to have ANYONE over for at least the first 3 days post birth as I want time for our little family to get settled, me get comfortable with breast feeding and just be able to bond by myself with baby and DH.

The first week or two may just be immediate family (parents and siblings) with some extended and close friends after that. There's only really one person in my family that I feel a little uncomfortable about...she's extremely baby grabby and loud and tends to hold babies a long time so I might try and delay her coming over for a bit and ask people only come over for like 30min Max.

redfallon · August 2015

Taylovesbrad said:
It's a germ thing for me. And a don't break my baby thing for some people

This is it for me. I didn't want people getting her sick right off the bat plus I didn't trust people to not drop her or to be very careful with her. It put my anxiety up.

I am still that way to an extent with this one. I am not sure how I'll feel about it yet.

nram25 · August 2015

My SO and I was just having this convo last night. I think it is totally normal especially being that it's during the winter. I honestly don't think I want visitors at all during the first week. I have a bigger family and everyone's excited and ready for my babies arrival especially since their the first twins on both of our maternal family's side. I'm fine with our mom's and grandma's but I'm very skeptical when it comes to everyone else. I'm also planning to have a huge container of Germ-X when I do decide to share them. There's just going to be a lot of disappointed family members.

littleSkittle14 · August 2015

I'm another one concerned about germs!

Dd was born in late spring and I really didn't have any problem with people holding her since most sicknesses (like the flu) are gone by then. This time I will be much more protective.

I really like baby wearing, and the nice thing about it is, no one can "take" the baby from me without me physically removing the baby from the wrap. We have a boba that literally covers the newborns well so I feel it will protect him/her well from stray sneezes/coughs. Also, babies generally like it and fall asleep in it. No one is going to disturb a baby sleeping on mommys chest. That's my plan anyways, we will see how/if it works!

babyboateng · August 2015

I prefer to not have anyone (other than DH and our children) hold the baby however, if they must hold him, they will need to wash their hands up to their elbows

kimb311 · August 2015

I'm torn in this issue. I understand not wanting baby passed around like a football, especially during flu season.
But I had the opposite experience with our daughter. I was very selfish with her and let few people hold her. what ended up happening was as she got older NO ONE could hold her without her screaming. Only me. It really was a problem. I will try to find more of a balance this time.

leeleepi · August 2015

I am the odd one out here.... I firmly believe It takes a village to raise a child and I welcome all the love and light that people want to bring to the hospital and to my house after to meet and hold the new babies. My mom will also host a "sip n see" when they are a couple of weeks old, to celebrate them and cheers the beginning of two precious new lives!

As for flu season (it's always some sort of season for diseases) and hand sanitizer - I am not strict on that stuff - common sense and washing hands is something everyone around me has and does.

dec15mum · August 2015

I don't want my SO's dad to hold my son mainly because he makes jokes about dropping the baby? It's really not funny.

Gingermom15 · August 2015

I know most people on both sides get the flue shot and the Dtap booster every year for their jobs. The children are immunized, as well. As long as no one is sick and they wash their hands before taking baby, I don't think I will have such an issue with others holding him. Given he isn't a preemie or sickly, of course in which case we won't be having visitors for quite sometime.

laurabwalker · August 2015

Yes I'm going to let my family hold the baby. Most people know to wash their hands and not come around when they are feeling sick.

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