Wait, a 7 year gap isn't a good reason to have a 2nd shower? It was offered to her, and if her oldest was a boy/girl, what if this baby isn't the same? I'm legitimately asking by the way, this isn't me trying to be rude. Also, I think that just because someone already had a child doesn't mean they are excluded from being able to celebrate their second time around. I'm actually going to 2nd timers baby shower this weekend, and no1 has had any negative comments towards it. Her first was a girl, this LO is a boy and we are all extremely excited! I say just do what you want to do OP, I also liked what someone else had said about bringing this up to your close friends and family, they are your circle and know you better than we do, so you'll get a better insight to what you should do. Congrats by the way! =]
Because a baby shower isn't about the baby. It's a misconception. A baby shower is about welcoming the mother into motherhood and showering her with baby related gifts
And as PPs have stated, if you ask on TB most will tell you no matter the age gap it is a breach of etiquette HOWEVER if it is the social norm in your RL circle of family & friends, so be it.
LFAF February Siggy Challenge - "Favorite TV/Movie Couple"
@wassuphoes so I googled Finland Baby Box after reading your post. Is this what you were referring to? I want to make sure I'm reading/learning about the right thing.
It's part of their Healthcare system, you can either get the box and it's supplies or cash. Most get the box because it's a better value. I didn't go too far into the link you posted, but it looks like someone was like "I can make money off this!"
@beccabeeee, you're nicer than I am! I have to attend my SIL'S "sprinkle" this weekend, as does DH, and we're not happy about it. This is their 3rd boy, they knew they wanted more children and refused to save anything after the second because they didn't want it use hand me downs on the 3rd. Without the sprinkle, we still would have celebrated this new little guy and still would have given them gifts. But the fact that we are being forced to do it as well as being forced to waste a day at a BBQ when we could be doing things to prepare for our own children's arrival, is what gets me upset. Also, I'm sure the food will be terrible, haha.
***Trying to conceive since 9/12- m/c 2/13 from natural conception.
IVF success 10/14 with m/c 11/14. FET success 4/15***
Lord, the Op said it, I just replaced the word as not to curse. In hindsight, probably should have used quotation marks as I was commenting on what OP said, not you @Everycol0r.
I'm not a fan of beating a dead horse but it's you who are not getting it. Like, at all.
OP didn't say nonsense, you did. You commend her for standing up for herself against the "nonsense" which means you think there is a reason she needed to stand up for herself. There wasn't. I said actual, factual, stone cold facts in my response. I didn't beat around the bush nor am I require to ONLY respond with an answer to her question she already had the answers for.
So if she had the answers she sought, what other purpose did she have? That was my question. And yet you continue to defend her behavior although not her poor word choice.
LFAF February Siggy Challenge - "Favorite TV/Movie Couple"
Wait, a 7 year gap isn't a good reason to have a 2nd shower? It was offered to her, and if her oldest was a boy/girl, what if this baby isn't the same? I'm legitimately asking by the way, this isn't me trying to be rude. Also, I think that just because someone already had a child doesn't mean they are excluded from being able to celebrate their second time around. I'm actually going to 2nd timers baby shower this weekend, and no1 has had any negative comments towards it. Her first was a girl, this LO is a boy and we are all extremely excited! I say just do what you want to do OP, I also liked what someone else had said about bringing this up to your close friends and family, they are your circle and know you better than we do, so you'll get a better insight to what you should do. Congrats by the way! =]
Why does a difference in sex entitle someone to a second shower? Babies are babies. They don't care about the color of the swaddle.
My DS uses a pink sleep sack leftover from his sister. The horror!
Lol @wassuphoes, thank you for the article. Whomever did this is a genius. People were going to buy all the stuff anyway, and people have no issue paying extra for convenience.
@wassuphoes so I googled Finland Baby Box after reading your post. Is this what you were referring to? I want to make sure I'm reading/learning about the right thing.
I don't think so. As far as I'm aware some European countries send all new mothers a box with baby essentials. I don't know all the details but it's a free government sponsored thing, I think.
I'm live in a very small TX town do I guess things are just different here. If my friends thought it was rude they would not have offered to throw us a shower in the first place.i should have just went with my gut instead of asking others what they though o well ya live and ya learn! @Everycol0r I apologize for my language I should have chosen my words better.
@MrsBwIVF oh girl trust me, I've read your story and you definitely have a right to be pissed off about that one! I'm on your side lol. Her little one is going to be the first boy, so for us that's just all around exciting for the whole family. This baby was also not planned, and will be her last. I also know the reason for her not having all of her previous baby items which we all understand, of course because we know her and know the situation. With that being said, I can understand what others have said, but I guess it also comes down to the OP and who really knows her and her situation. Not that there is one, but that obviously the ones that are going to know the most are going to be the ones that are actually a part of her real life, which realistically, are the only ones who matter at this point lol.
@beccabeeee, you're nicer than I am!
I have to attend my SIL'S "sprinkle" this weekend, as does DH, and we're not happy about it.
This is their 3rd boy, they knew they wanted more children and refused to save anything after the second because they didn't want it use hand me downs on the 3rd.
Without the sprinkle, we still would have celebrated this new little guy and still would have given them gifts. But the fact that we are being forced to do it as well as being forced to waste a day at a BBQ when we could be doing things to prepare for our own children's arrival, is what gets me upset. Also, I'm sure the food will be terrible, haha.
But @MrsBwIVF - MAYBE they'll serve baked beans at the BBQ!?!! Yum! (sorry, I had to)
Lord, the Op said it, I just replaced the word as not to curse. In hindsight, probably should have used quotation marks as I was commenting on what OP said, not you @Everycol0r.
I'm not a fan of beating a dead horse but it's you who are not getting it. Like, at all.
OP didn't say nonsense, you did. You commend her for standing up for herself against the "nonsense" which means you think there is a reason she needed to stand up for herself. There wasn't. I said actual, factual, stone cold facts in my response. I didn't beat around the bush nor am I require to ONLY respond with an answer to her question she already had the answers for.
So if she had the answers she sought, what other purpose did she have? That was my question. And yet you continue to defend her behavior although not her poor word choice.
I guess you didn't actually read what I said for understanding ( no snark intended). I used the word nonsense, because she cursed and I didn't see the need to, but if you liked, insert BS where I said nonsense. Yes, to you and several others,you questioned her and stated stone cold facts. To her, obviously, you came off rude because she thought you were trying to start drama with her. I never said that what you said was nonsense. I said several times I substituted a word because I wasn't trying to curse, but even if I said BS, you'd still feel a way because you think I agreed with her that what you said was bs/nonsense. I spoke for myself, and said you stated the obvious. Stating the obvious often times comes across as rude, even when formatted as a question. I also thought you were trying to be shady when you asked her that, even if you didn't mean to be. That is how it came across to ME. So I commended her for standing up for herself for something SHE found offensive. YOU may not have meant to be offensive, but perception can be MF. I told her in the future she should use better word choice, because I agree she should not have cursed at you. But if she felt like you were trying to be offensive or shady with your response, she is allowed to respond to that, just not in such a manner with name calling and cursing at people. As for her "having" the answers, she didn't get it. She asked for advice about calling it off and then for clarification about when 2nd showers are appropriate. When I said you walked into a rude response, what I meant was that you walked into it because you chose not to answer her question, as you said yourself you aren't required to, you asked a question that clearly came off rude to her, and me. So that's my opinion and I've clarified it again, since you insisted on responding to me and telling me what I do and don't get. BTW, often times being direct, not beating around the bush, and so on leads to situations where people react to you in ways you don't like. It comes with the territory.
@alittlecountry if I came across rude to you, apologies, not my intention. That's also why I apologized earlier. I had misread a comment directed at me and responded too quickly. I agree, my comment about how people write and respond, is applicable to me. That's why I apologized. I'm good for acknowledging if I'm wrong. As for commending, OP, if you read what I said again, I said she stood up for herself to something/someone SHE found offensive. Yes I did thing the question OP was asked came off rude and sarcastic, but I personally wasn't offended and I would've used different words, which is what I told OP she should have done. Again, perception makes a difference. Something you may not find rude or offensive, doesn't mean that other people feel the same. I hope that answered your question.
So here is an article that explains a little of why I think that subsequent showers are no big deal. I was born and raised in the South. It's never been a big deal to have subsequent showers. In the South, at least the part that I am from, that's how they are. This is an article that states that, also. I think that a lot of confusion and hurt feelings could be avoided if people would realize that etiquette rules are not universal. They are dependent on cultural and regional differences.
Here is the part of the article that I'm referring to:
"Okay, once more, a summary with feeling: Second baby showers
are definitely becoming more “okay” and accepted…in areas other than
the South, where second (and third, and fourth) baby showers were ALWAYS
okay and accepted. There is definitely a regional factor at play here,
probably because (if I may make some sweeping generalizations)
Southerners know how to throw showers the right way. They stick to the
proper etiquette and the focus is NOT a big giant gift grab, as I see
more often in other areas of the country. Showers are just…parties,
meant to “shower” the mother-to-be with love and attention and an
afternoon of fun. Why shouldn’t every new baby get their own party?
That’s just silly to think otherwise! .
Compare that to the mistaken idea — just seen in the comments of a recent column about asking guests to pay shipping costs
— that showers are specifically meant to “shower” the mom with gifts.
NO. NOT REALLY. Gifts are a plus, a perk and a bonus. They are not to be
expected or required or otherwise specifically asked for. I admit that I
am very old-school about this — I’m probably one of the last hold-outs
who believe that registry info does not belong in the invitation
envelopes, but should be asked for by guests who are interested in using
the registry OPTION, because THAT’S WHAT IT IS, AN OPTION — but I do
think if we could all dial back our thinking about baby and wedding
showers, we’d all be less confused about what’s okay and what’s not, and
get fewer invitations that make our jaws drop with the transparently
open, bossy gift grab vibe to them."
That highlighted part is how I was raised. It does not mean that I was raised without manners, or am uncouth, or any of those things. It means that I was raised in a different cultural and regional area than other people with different etiquette rules and acceptance. Where I'm from, a baby shower is a big party where gifts are NOT the focus. Therefore, second, third, infinite showers are not unheard of, are not tacky, are not a breach of etiquette, and are not about gifts, and therefore are NOT "gift grabby".
I really, truly wish that the people who are so quick to have a hard black and white line on what is right and what is wrong would consider that there are differences in etiquette and because where one person is from it is a breach of your rules, it doesn't mean that it is a breach of etiquette for a different culture or region of the country or in other parts of the world.
Maybe all baby shower etiquette threads should include the area of the country you're from or where you were raised, and etiquette rules for those parts of the country only be applied in the threads. And if you are not well-versed on the etiquette rules of that part of the country or culture, then you would need not respond.
Hmmm I wrote this way earlier but never posted it, I must've got busy with DS.
I also say go for it if you want to. If your friends don't find it tacky then neither should you. But yikes @brittpichotta your reaction to PP is pretty ridiculous. You're not always going to get people who agree with you. You posted on a public forum... You should expect to have people with different opinions/reactions. You can't just tell people to go away, that's not how it works.
1 hour later.... Now that your post was reported, removed and you apologized I guess my post means nothing lol. I also commend you for standing up for yourself, it just could've been more tactful.
I'm live in a very small TX town do I guess things are just different here. If my friends thought it was rude they would not have offered to throw us a shower in the first place.i should have just went with my gut instead of asking others what they though o well ya live and ya learn! @Everycol0r I apologize for my language I should have chosen my words better.
Small town Texas here, too. See the article that I posted above and that may help you out a bit on why it's confusing for us to be told that subsequent showers are a no-no.
Now, I wouldn't throw my own shower or sprinkle, and would wait for someone to offer if they are going to, but I wouldn't turn it down, and I wouldn't think it was anything out of the ordinary.
Lord, the Op said it, I just replaced the word as not to curse. In hindsight, probably should have used quotation marks as I was commenting on what OP said, not you @Everycol0r.
I'm not a fan of beating a dead horse but it's you who are not getting it. Like, at all.
OP didn't say nonsense, you did. You commend her for standing up for herself against the "nonsense" which means you think there is a reason she needed to stand up for herself. There wasn't. I said actual, factual, stone cold facts in my response. I didn't beat around the bush nor am I require to ONLY respond with an answer to her question she already had the answers for.
So if she had the answers she sought, what other purpose did she have? That was my question. And yet you continue to defend her behavior although not her poor word choice.
I guess you didn't actually read what I said for understanding ( no snark intended). I used the word nonsense, because she cursed and I didn't see the need to, but if you liked, insert BS where I said nonsense. Yes, to you and several others,you questioned her and stated stone cold facts. To her, obviously, you came off rude because she thought you were trying to start drama with her. I never said that what you said was nonsense. I said several times I substituted a word because I wasn't trying to curse, but even if I said BS, you'd still feel a way because you think I agreed with her that what you said was bs/nonsense. I spoke for myself, and said you stated the obvious. Stating the obvious often times comes across as rude, even when formatted as a question. I also thought you were trying to be shady when you asked her that, even if you didn't mean to be. That is how it came across to ME. So I commended her for standing up for herself for something SHE found offensive. YOU may not have meant to be offensive, but perception can be MF. I told her in the future she should use better word choice, because I agree she should not have cursed at you. But if she felt like you were trying to be offensive or shady with your response, she is allowed to respond to that, just not in such a manner with name calling and cursing at people. As for her "having" the answers, she didn't get it. She asked for advice about calling it off and then for clarification about when 2nd showers are appropriate. When I said you walked into a rude response, what I meant was that you walked into it because you chose not to answer her question, as you said yourself you aren't required to, you asked a question that clearly came off rude to her, and me. So that's my opinion and I've clarified it again, since you insisted on responding to me and telling me what I do and don't get. BTW, often times being direct, not beating around the bush, and so on leads to situations where people react to you in ways you don't like. It comes with the territory.
@alittlecountry if I came across rude to you, apologies, not my intention. That's also why I apologized earlier. I had misread a comment directed at me and responded too quickly. I agree, my comment about how people write and respond, is applicable to me. That's why I apologized. I'm good for acknowledging if I'm wrong. As for commending, OP, if you read what I said again, I said she stood up for herself to something/someone SHE found offensive. Yes I did thing the question OP was asked came off rude and sarcastic, but I personally wasn't offended and I would've used different words, which is what I told OP she should have done. Again, perception makes a difference. Something you may not find rude or offensive, doesn't mean that other people feel the same. I hope that answered your question.
-----
Shady...
LFAF February Siggy Challenge - "Favorite TV/Movie Couple"
Regardless of how this all went down - my opinion on 2nd showers if is someone wants to host one for you - great, enjoy! And I would not personally find it inappropriate given how far apart the kids are
This is all so confusing - it was like watching a tennis match when one player was using a baseball bat and one a tennis racket.
I'm with @duckinoven though - if someone wants to throw a shower for you, then that's wonderful and a great gift. Like @redfallon said every area has different customs, and every family has different traditions.
In Greek Orthodox culture, it's not typical to do a baby shower. Yet since I live here and all of my family is still abroad, my friends wanted to do one so bad for my first daughter and it meant so much to them that it was ok with me and it was so much fun. Now with a second little girl on the way, a couple offered to do a celebratory lunch for this next baby. I'm not registering anywhere, and we have everything we need, but it means a lot for them to celebrate this little girl too with a lunch somewhere. I said no presents, but they rolled their eyes at me. I'm always getting baby gifts for everyone, regardless of # of baby and I think they all just want to make me feel as special as I try to make each of their babies. So i get the second celebration and it seems that the OP (despite all the crazy back and forth that happened) is thankful for that.
Re: Baby Shower
And as PPs have stated, if you ask on TB most will tell you no matter the age gap it is a breach of etiquette HOWEVER if it is the social norm in your RL circle of family & friends, so be it.
LFAF February Siggy Challenge - "Favorite TV/Movie Couple"
DD: 10/17/13
TTC#2 Actively: 10/14, NTNP: 01/14
Left-Sided Hydrosalpinx (cause: genetic abnormality, TREATED 11/16)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/396b04
I have to attend my SIL'S "sprinkle" this weekend, as does DH, and we're not happy about it.
This is their 3rd boy, they knew they wanted more children and refused to save anything after the second because they didn't want it use hand me downs on the 3rd.
Without the sprinkle, we still would have celebrated this new little guy and still would have given them gifts. But the fact that we are being forced to do it as well as being forced to waste a day at a BBQ when we could be doing things to prepare for our own children's arrival, is what gets me upset. Also, I'm sure the food will be terrible, haha.
OP didn't say nonsense, you did. You commend her for standing up for herself against the "nonsense" which means you think there is a reason she needed to stand up for herself. There wasn't. I said actual, factual, stone cold facts in my response. I didn't beat around the bush nor am I require to ONLY respond with an answer to her question she already had the answers for.
So if she had the answers she sought, what other purpose did she have? That was my question. And yet you continue to defend her behavior although not her poor word choice.
LFAF February Siggy Challenge - "Favorite TV/Movie Couple"
DD: 10/17/13
TTC#2 Actively: 10/14, NTNP: 01/14
Left-Sided Hydrosalpinx (cause: genetic abnormality, TREATED 11/16)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/396b04
My DS uses a pink sleep sack leftover from his sister. The horror!
Also, I'm going to block you pretty soon,hahaha.
https://alphamom.com/pregnancy/second-baby-shower-blues/
Here is the part of the article that I'm referring to:
"Okay, once more, a summary with feeling: Second baby showers are definitely becoming more “okay” and accepted…in areas other than the South, where second (and third, and fourth) baby showers were ALWAYS okay and accepted. There is definitely a regional factor at play here, probably because (if I may make some sweeping generalizations) Southerners know how to throw showers the right way. They stick to the proper etiquette and the focus is NOT a big giant gift grab, as I see more often in other areas of the country. Showers are just…parties, meant to “shower” the mother-to-be with love and attention and an afternoon of fun. Why shouldn’t every new baby get their own party? That’s just silly to think otherwise! .
Compare that to the mistaken idea — just seen in the comments of a recent column about asking guests to pay shipping costs — that showers are specifically meant to “shower” the mom with gifts. NO. NOT REALLY. Gifts are a plus, a perk and a bonus. They are not to be expected or required or otherwise specifically asked for. I admit that I am very old-school about this — I’m probably one of the last hold-outs who believe that registry info does not belong in the invitation envelopes, but should be asked for by guests who are interested in using the registry OPTION, because THAT’S WHAT IT IS, AN OPTION — but I do think if we could all dial back our thinking about baby and wedding showers, we’d all be less confused about what’s okay and what’s not, and get fewer invitations that make our jaws drop with the transparently open, bossy gift grab vibe to them."
That highlighted part is how I was raised. It does not mean that I was raised without manners, or am uncouth, or any of those things. It means that I was raised in a different cultural and regional area than other people with different etiquette rules and acceptance. Where I'm from, a baby shower is a big party where gifts are NOT the focus. Therefore, second, third, infinite showers are not unheard of, are not tacky, are not a breach of etiquette, and are not about gifts, and therefore are NOT "gift grabby".I really, truly wish that the people who are so quick to have a hard black and white line on what is right and what is wrong would consider that there are differences in etiquette and because where one person is from it is a breach of your rules, it doesn't mean that it is a breach of etiquette for a different culture or region of the country or in other parts of the world.
Maybe all baby shower etiquette threads should include the area of the country you're from or where you were raised, and etiquette rules for those parts of the country only be applied in the threads. And if you are not well-versed on the etiquette rules of that part of the country or culture, then you would need not respond.
Jamie
I also say go for it if you want to. If your friends don't find it tacky then neither should you. But yikes @brittpichotta your reaction to PP is pretty ridiculous. You're not always going to get people who agree with you. You posted on a public forum... You should expect to have people with different opinions/reactions. You can't just tell people to go away, that's not how it works.
1 hour later....
Now that your post was reported, removed and you apologized I guess my post means nothing lol. I also commend you for standing up for yourself, it just could've been more tactful.
Now, I wouldn't throw my own shower or sprinkle, and would wait for someone to offer if they are going to, but I wouldn't turn it down, and I wouldn't think it was anything out of the ordinary.
Jamie
-----
Shady...
LFAF February Siggy Challenge - "Favorite TV/Movie Couple"
DD: 10/17/13
TTC#2 Actively: 10/14, NTNP: 01/14
Left-Sided Hydrosalpinx (cause: genetic abnormality, TREATED 11/16)
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/396b04