Helping daddy feel connected

nickicb7 · August 2015

Clearly pregnancy is a very different thing for men than it is for women. My DH is a super sweet and kind hubby, and he takes care of me a lot. He's very excited about baby. I'm trying to help him feel connected by telling him about what I notice feel, but it seems hard right now since there is not much of a visible belly, or movement he can feel.

Anyone have any advice or ideas, on how to help daddy feel a part of the pregnancy, and connect to baby?

Snoopylovesbelle · August 2015

DH didn't feel connected until I had a big belly and he could feel kicks and then really when DD was born. Some guys just don't connect until there's a real baby. And that's okay.
I tried to include him in picking big stuff on the registry and trying to plan for things.
Really it just helped to talk to him and check in everyday. He really didn't know how I was feeling unless I told him directly.
Don't worry if he's not gah gah some guys are like that especially in the beginning. He will get it Eventually

indibidule · August 2015

My husband is the same way. Each week we watch the videos together from the bump and what to expect and he talks to baby nearly every night through my belly and says little things about his day or how, soon he'll know if baby is a boy or girl, or how much he loves baby. I also have him take a weekly bump photo. He's not very good at it, it's usually a little out of focus, but it helps him feel connected. I'm showing quite a bit now at 18+2, so there's a bump for him to see and feel, but we've been doing this for weeks and he loves hearing about how big our baby is and what changes have occurred and what s/he can do now.

sarah92544 · August 2015

Most men dont really feel the connection until birth. Like pp's have said include him on things and he will get more connected with weeks to come.

hailees · August 2015

We are reading a book about raising children together. That has helped a lot of conversations dreaming about what the future holds!
edit: words.

sck601 · August 2015

DH didn't feel the connection until after birth. Even though he felt the kicks and saw my belly move, he was very nonchalant about everything. It made me very upset because he would always talk about his other daughter, but never anything about DD in my belly. After I had her, he was completely different. Just give it time. He might feel connected soon, or it might be until after LO is born.

JAGClark · August 2015

@Snoopylovesbelle thanks for sharing your experience. Did your hubs participate much with the registry outside of the big stuff? DHs favorite phrase is "whatever you think"!

Cricket99 · August 2015

Try putting him in charge of techie gadget type stuff for your registry. My DH loves looking at all the technology available for the nugget. Baby monitor, white noise machine, anything involving tech

willashbaby · August 2015

My husband is very connected and excited. Now that he knows baby can hear he talks to my belly a lot and plays the baby his favorite music. He also is really good about getting me whatever I'm craving so he's "feeding the baby". It's the best. I'm going to miss the special treatment after delivery!

MelissaA225 · August 2015

I bought DH the book "Be Prepared." It's a book about dads and babies, but it is written and illustrated like a Boy Scout guide book. DH read it cover to cover and I think it helped him feel more involved. The book talks about what a dad can do with an infant (games, how to hold/feed/diaper/dress), which has made him a lot more excited about the baby. It also talks about things to register for, so he has been really helpful as we plan our nursery and registry. He also took a Daddy Boot Camp class and went with me on a tour of the L&D wing of the hospital. I know it must be hard to feel involved when you're not the one growing the baby, but the book, class, and tour have helped DH feel more prepared and excited about the baby-I guess it makes everything feel more real.

ChipMonster · August 2015

I agree that DH didn't feel connected right away. As others have said, I would read him the weekly updates and he helped pick things from the registry. I would make him take my weekly bump pics but he actually hated doing it because I would make him take a whole bunch because I'd hate it.

As moms we feel connected instantly because the baby is growing in our bellies. As dads, it's a lot more abstract at first. They come around! Just keep involving him like you're doing.

nickicb7 · August 2015

Thanks ladies! We do talk about how Im feeling, every day, and we use the weekly updates. He tries to talk to my belly, but thinks it's weird, and isn't so comfortable doing that. I guess we will just keep doing what we are doing and see how he feels. He is reading a book, called The Dudes guide to Pregnancy, that my brother gave him. He seems to like that.

ChipMonster · August 2015

DH wasn't really into talking to my belly either. Sometimes I make him tell the baby that he loves it but that's about as much as I get from him!

RepeatPostPolice · August 2015

I wouldn't worry about it too much @nickicb7. It's hard for men to connect because they just can't sympathize with the internal sensations, and they don't have the hormones helping them through the pregnancy. After DD was born my H was immediately connected to her, even though he never talked to my belly or read a dad-to-be book. Just do what seems to make your H most comfortable.
And I would definitely recommend a buffer time zone after your LO is born that is just you two and the baby to snuggle and hold him/her. Even though I had a c/s and went to my room with DD and DH immediately after, we still made our families wait 3 hours to come in and see her so I could have tummy time and nurse her and DH could hold her. It was really special.

:x

Snoopylovesbelle · August 2015

JAGClark said:
@Snoopylovesbelle thanks for sharing your experience. Did your hubs participate much with the registry outside of the big stuff? DHs favorite phrase is "whatever you think"!

He was really in to the safety stuff and how everything worked. Car seat and stroller he installed and made sure everything was right. He wanted to know how to use everything so he would know what to do and could help me. He let me pick mostly what I wanted since I would be using it most of the time and then we learned how to do it together.

QueenCarlissa · August 2015

My SO feels very connected to baby ever since our first u/s it was more of the "wow we made that" kind of feelings cause I didn't even feel or rather believe there was a baby until I seen it myself. We haven't started buying stuff but he sends me pictures of outfits he likes for boys and girls he rubs my tummy I'm 18w & 2d I can feel baby kicking and when I tell him he puts his hand on my belly and starts talking to baby he tells her good night good morning and he loves her just talking to her so his voice can be familiar. He tries to make all appointments so he can hear the heartbeat and we are both just excited. I couldn't imagine my SO not being into the pregnancy. I'm truly blessed.

danasphillips · August 2015

With the first one DH wasn't "connected" at all other than being really supportive of me, which didn't bother me since he wasn't able to feel anything that I was feeling. And then when DS was born DH sobbed uncontrollably the whole time. It was adorable because he never cries and is not the sappy type at all. This time around I think he gets it a bit more because he knows what's coming, so he will go out of his way to give me extra hugs and belly rubs. So honestly I don't think there's much you can do. Heck, I thought I was "connected" with our first but nothing compares to how you feel about them once they're actually here.

DH also wasn't into the baby gadgets or anything like that, but I can't blame him since I wasn't really either.

mollyj931 · August 2015

I don't really feel like DH was very connected to the pregnancy either. He was excited but it really didn't feel real until the babies got here.
Once I was bigger he would feel kicks and he likes listening to the heartbeat. He will ask everyone in awhile how big the baby is now but that's about it unless I initiate a conversation.

I agree with others in giving him jobs like putting the crib together, installing car seat, etc.

And don't worry if there isn't much connection now. My DH was the best with our newborns, probably better than me. He was an awesome swaddler!!

zg49 · August 2015

With my DH, he felt a little connected with DD right after birth, but more so when she started to be more awake and wasn't as fragile. Once he was able to help out more he became connected and now they are the best of friends! It took a bit but I wasn't worried

nickicb7 · August 2015

RepeatPostPolice said:

And I would definitely recommend a buffer time zone after your LO is born that is just you two and the baby to snuggle and hold him/her. Even though I had a c/s and went to my room with DD and DH immediately after, we still made our families wait 3 hours to come in and see her so I could have tummy time and nurse her and DH could hold her. It was really special. :x

Thank you @RepeatPostPolice this is great advice!!

apinkpelican · August 2015

Cricket99 said:
Try putting him in charge of techie gadget type stuff for your registry. My DH loves looking at all the technology available for the nugget. Baby monitor, white noise machine, anything involving tech

This. DH had a great time finding the best deals on our jogging stroller, monitor, etc.
We did a basics baby care class (silly for me but helped him picture things).
Also make sure he attends any/all appointments that you'll have an ultra sound.

BabyBump2 · August 2015

At my last appointment, my doctor let my husband find the HB with the doppler and she also let him feel for my uterus by my belly button. So I thought that was pretty awesome. She said he should expect it at every appointment...seeing as he helped make the baby. Maybe you could as about that?

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