Tonight I asked my husband if he had any concerns or struggles in regards to us being pregnant with twins, he said the only thing that's bothering him is the fact that we aren't having sex enough for him. This made me really upset and I haven't confronted him about it yet because it's not something that I want to stress over, but I guess I figured with all the pain I've been in lately that one of his concerns would've been more...well...me! Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is it selfish to want him to feel more concerned about how I'm doing? Now he's asleep and I'm just pissed...
I would honestly be feeling the same way you are. To me, that just seems selfish for a husband to say that. It's undoubtedly difficult for them to really understand what it's like for us to be pregnant, especially what it's like for you to be pregnant with twins as that takes an even bigger toll on your body. I would try talking to him about it in the morning and let him know how what he said made you feel, and try to keep calm when doing so, because men tend to tune out when there is too much emotion unfortunately.
I know my husband can feel the same way at times and it really translates to the fact that he doesn't feel close to me or wanted. Sometimes it's not always about sex and more about what having can do in a relationship. Maybe find out if he's feeling distant and if there's another way to make him feel better that doesn't take a toll on you physically and explain how his answer made you feel. Sorry you're feeling frustrated
I may be in the minority, but, you did ask him if he had any concerns or struggles and he does. I understand this may not have been what you were looking, and I can see how it is upsetting for you, but sex is a big part of a relationship. Sex is how my DH feel close and connected, if it has been weeks since having sex he can start to feel rejected.
I think you guys need to have a serious conversation, explaining why his response was hurtful, and discussing your sex life. I don't think guys always realize how demanding and uncomfortable pregnancy can be.
I completely agree with @ash413, I had this same issue with my first pregnancy. Also twins. My body was in so much pain, I didn't even want to consider sex. I believe you have every right to be upset, and your husband is being selfish. But just like a child, they don't understand or know better. I don't know if you're the type to not tell him when you're in pain, and how you're feeling all the time. But I have found that when I tell my husband how I am feeling, what I am dealing with he is more understanding. Maybe you two can snuggle, and he can feel some sort of closeness to you. If this is really only about sex, he is going to have to put his big boy pants on and realize sex probably won't be happening often for a while. Good luck Hun! Just try to be honest and calm with him.
*warning* long post, but this is something I've given a lot of thought to and have some pretty strong feelings on that may be a UO.
My husband was struggling with the lack of sex, too. But I'm honestly in the same frame of thinking as @ash413. You did ask him, and I think it probably took a lot for him to say he wants sex more. He isn't necessarily demanding that you give it to him more, but he wants you to know that he misses you in that way. Maybe part of wanting sex more may be because of how he feels about you - he loves you and wants to feel close to you, and sex is how he feels that closeness.
For my husband, physical touch is his main love language. That skin to skin contact we talk about with our babies? My husband wants that, too - he wants to feel my skin and my warmth because it's comforting to him.
I can't have sex near as much as my husband wants. But we've been working on a compromise. For one thing, he will ask me if we can have sex rather than just starting to physically advance because it hurt both him and me emotionally to shut him down non-verbally (mostly I just pulled away and he thought he did something wrong). Also, when he says something like, "I really want to have sex with you right now," it gives me a chance to respond. Sometimes it's a flat "sorry, but I'm very much not in the mood right now," but other times, it gives me a chance to say "not now," or "I'm not in the mood for sex but I can do ______ for you" (oral sex, hand job, etc.). Sometimes I ask if we can just lay naked together for a little bit so that he gets that skin to skin contact, but I'm not feeling quite as uncomfortable. He also enjoys the challenge when I say something like, "I'm really not in the mood, but I'm willing to let you try to get me there."
I know people say that pregnancy is a great time to explore other positions for sex. Personally, I'm not all that adventurous and I feel less adventurous with a giant belly. But maybe you can try.
If sex is how your husband feels loved, then maybe try having sex with him to show him you love him. Half the time, I'm not really in the mood when we start and I'm doing it for him because I want him to feel loved, but he can get me there and I enjoy it as much as he does.
One last piece of advice - if he is constantly the one initiating sex, try turning the tables just once. You initiate. Typically, my husband is satisfied a little bit longer and feels a little bit more loved on those occasions when I've made a point to initiate. And I really don't do it very often.
Sex is important. It's really tough and can be uncomfortable while pregnant, but after pregnancy you'll have a whole other set of difficulties that easily impede your sex life (such as neither of you have slept in 2 days and the babies take turns crying constantly). Figure out how you're going to overcome some of those problems now before the size of your family doubles. A big belly will be the least of your worries then, but you're still going to need to find a way to show your husband love if you want your marriage to stay strong.
I would express your concerns as well as being able to recognize his...and find some middle ground.
Men are more sexual beings than women, it's just part of their body chemistry. I don't often want sex these days, but it makes my husband more in tune with keeping me happy when I work to keep him happy.
Additionally, try to look at it this way, at least he was honest. Lots of women have men who lie and say "how you feel is most important" and then begin to explore other means to meet their own (I.e. Strictly physical affairs)
Your husband loves you enough to have been honest with you, regardless of how shallow it sounded for him to say it, that's something worth treasuring.
I'm sorry but I don't usually reply but felt the urge to today. This is 100% selfish. You have every right to be upset and in my opinion, he better get used to not having everything he wants when he wants it. It's not as if you are just not up to it, you are pregnant! Geez, maybe HE should present you a massage or take you out to dinner. Has he tried to romance you? Great relationships are not just about sex. So im sorry ladies but i dont agree that she should try to appease him. This is a time where your mind and body are changing at great lengths and he frankly needs to be patient and understanding. Afterall, what good is having sex when one person is not feeling up to it! I wouldnt want my SO to have sex with me simply because I want it. I'd want him to want it too. Definitely speak to him and tell him exactly why. Good luck and never let anyone make you feel like you should be intimate when you are not up to it.
@bugdalady I'm curious. Don't you think that makes you sound a little selfish? He may be selfish because he's wanting a lot of sex. But it's also selfish to NOT want sex and consistently shut your SO down. Different sides of the same coin. He's saying "I want you. I want sex." You're saying "I don't want you. I don't want sex." Both are equally selfish - one demanding sex all the time is just as bad as the other refusing sex all the time. Neither makes for a healthy marriage.
Don't have sex because you feel like you have to. But don't be afraid to change your thinking about sex - instead of thinking "I should have sex because he wants it and now I'm resenting him because all he ever wants is sex," think about how you GET to show him love by being physically intimate with him. It makes sex much more enjoyable.
Nowhere in my comment did I say she should do whatever he asks whenever he asks. Far from it. But I urged her to think about him, too. If you honestly can't even think about sex right now, that's fine. But if you love your SO, then SHOW HIM. If you can find a way to show him love that doesn't involve sex, then do that. But I know for my husband, that physical intimacy is what he needs. I can clean the house and make his favorite meal and let him choose what we're going to do, but having that physical intimacy is still his strongest love language and he feels the most loved through that. Fun fact - humans are forgetful and it's really easy to forget that someone loves you if the words don't match the actions.
Also, if you're consistently going to shut your SO down, then why should he give you a massage or take you to a nice place to eat? Why should you get what you want while calling him selfish for wanting sex? That honestly makes no sense to me. You may want him to make the first step and then you'll feel loved enough to reciprocate with something that he desires, but it is incredibly selfish to demand that he always make the first step. You're in this relationship, too.
There are 5 broad categories of love languages - gifts, acts of service, words of encouragement, physical touch, and quality time. Find out what his is and communicate to him what yours is. Mine is acts of service and words of encouragement. His is physical touch and words of encouragement. Yesterday, I needed a nap because, well, I'm growing a human. My husband cooked dinner, did the dishes, and a few other things while I slept. I felt incredibly loved and I told him EXACTLY what he did that made me feel loved. This morning, I could tell he wanted/needed to be close to me. He explained he'd had a dream that made him feel distant from me and so when he woke, he wanted that closeness. Because I love him and I want him to know that I am there, we had sex. And he told me that he felt loved because of that.
A marriage is not solely about sex. It can't be. But if you let that physical intimacy go (whether it's sex or some other form of physical touch), the rest of your marriage WILL suffer.
While I understand it isn't great to hear, you did ask. And he was honest with you about how he is feeling. That doesn't mean that it isn't also perfectly valid for you to be hurt by that. I think it'd be in both of your best interests to discuss that as well as his sexual desires.
I agree with many of the PP that you asked and he answered. I think its not fair to be mad that he answered honestly. Thats pretty mature for him to be able to communicate his need for sex (a lot of immature men don't express this until they get caught seeking it elsewhere). So its good he felt comfortable enough to express his desires
I think the only thing i want to add is it seems like your question had a "right answer". If you asked him about HIS STRUGGLES AND CONCERNS why would he answer with "im concerned about your pain". I think you should think of your motive if asking him this question. Did you really want to know what he was feeling? Did you really want his opinion? You initiated a question about him and got mad it wasnt about you. (Not attacking, just saying)
If you feel he isnt acknowledging your struggles while carrying twins initiate a discussion about your struggles instead of asking him how he feels in hopes he gives you the answer you want to hear.
This may be an UO but have sex with the poor guy! Seriously once you have two little ones running around and are pregnant again you'll look back and think I shoulda had sex more when it wasn't damn near impossible!! Lol
I am pregnant with one. It's my second kid. I feel pain everywhere and can't stand, sit or lay. I tell my housband every time I feel pain and he just thinks: oh well, let's have sex. Oh well, NO thanks. I have acid reflux, an active baby and pain in every joint. So ....sorry but not sorry. He is upset with me and I just want to frying pan his head for not understanding. This is our first together and I really dreamt that he will be more understanding...but a girl can dream,or can't she?
My husband is understanding but it took a lot of just explaining to him that my body somedays just feels differently and some days I'm fine but some days everything just hurts and I don't want to be in pain and he understands more now but it still drives him insane
@rachswi and @bugdalady I actually do a lot for him that goes unnoticed and under appreciated. For example, he got off work yesterday and I had his clothes laid out for him and ran him a bath before that comment happened. I also offer to massage his feet and stand up in the kitchen when I shouldn't so we can cook together. I also stay up talking with him all night even though I'd rather be sleeping. So I think I'm ok with taking this time to take care of me and the twins. We have 3 boys already so having time isn't something new to us lol but thank you for your comments!
Long story short my husband and I worked it out and came to the conclusion that we love and adore each other and the sex isn't that big of a deal.
Before we got pregnant our sex life was great and I was always the one that initiated sex. I give him oral when I'm not in the mood and up until 2 months ago when it became vaginally painful to have intercourse. Plus when I'm lying awake in bed in pain from the sex he's asleep from the pleasure.
I appreciate all of the comments as it gave me a lot to think about. Thanks ladies!
Not sure where and when no sex meant i dont want you. There are a million ways to make someone feel wanted. Both parties should be into it. If not giving it up when you are not in the mindset is straight up selfish on his part. Not hers. And honestly, most men want sex because they have a physical urge not because they want to feel close or wanted. Like i said earlier, there are a million ways to express wanting or caring for someone. I want to see how much they are feeling sex when the baby comes and are exhausted! Haha thats when their lives change, not just ours.
Re: Pregnant w/ Husband Struggles...help
I think you guys need to have a serious conversation, explaining why his response was hurtful, and discussing your sex life. I don't think guys always realize how demanding and uncomfortable pregnancy can be.
My husband was struggling with the lack of sex, too. But I'm honestly in the same frame of thinking as @ash413. You did ask him, and I think it probably took a lot for him to say he wants sex more. He isn't necessarily demanding that you give it to him more, but he wants you to know that he misses you in that way. Maybe part of wanting sex more may be because of how he feels about you - he loves you and wants to feel close to you, and sex is how he feels that closeness.
For my husband, physical touch is his main love language. That skin to skin contact we talk about with our babies? My husband wants that, too - he wants to feel my skin and my warmth because it's comforting to him.
I can't have sex near as much as my husband wants. But we've been working on a compromise. For one thing, he will ask me if we can have sex rather than just starting to physically advance because it hurt both him and me emotionally to shut him down non-verbally (mostly I just pulled away and he thought he did something wrong). Also, when he says something like, "I really want to have sex with you right now," it gives me a chance to respond. Sometimes it's a flat "sorry, but I'm very much not in the mood right now," but other times, it gives me a chance to say "not now," or "I'm not in the mood for sex but I can do ______ for you" (oral sex, hand job, etc.). Sometimes I ask if we can just lay naked together for a little bit so that he gets that skin to skin contact, but I'm not feeling quite as uncomfortable. He also enjoys the challenge when I say something like, "I'm really not in the mood, but I'm willing to let you try to get me there."
I know people say that pregnancy is a great time to explore other positions for sex. Personally, I'm not all that adventurous and I feel less adventurous with a giant belly. But maybe you can try.
If sex is how your husband feels loved, then maybe try having sex with him to show him you love him. Half the time, I'm not really in the mood when we start and I'm doing it for him because I want him to feel loved, but he can get me there and I enjoy it as much as he does.
One last piece of advice - if he is constantly the one initiating sex, try turning the tables just once. You initiate. Typically, my husband is satisfied a little bit longer and feels a little bit more loved on those occasions when I've made a point to initiate. And I really don't do it very often.
Sex is important. It's really tough and can be uncomfortable while pregnant, but after pregnancy you'll have a whole other set of difficulties that easily impede your sex life (such as neither of you have slept in 2 days and the babies take turns crying constantly). Figure out how you're going to overcome some of those problems now before the size of your family doubles. A big belly will be the least of your worries then, but you're still going to need to find a way to show your husband love if you want your marriage to stay strong.
Men are more sexual beings than women, it's just part of their body chemistry. I don't often want sex these days, but it makes my husband more in tune with keeping me happy when I work to keep him happy.
Additionally, try to look at it this way, at least he was honest. Lots of women have men who lie and say "how you feel is most important" and then begin to explore other means to meet their own (I.e. Strictly physical affairs)
Your husband loves you enough to have been honest with you, regardless of how shallow it sounded for him to say it, that's something worth treasuring.
Good luck lady!
Don't have sex because you feel like you have to. But don't be afraid to change your thinking about sex - instead of thinking "I should have sex because he wants it and now I'm resenting him because all he ever wants is sex," think about how you GET to show him love by being physically intimate with him. It makes sex much more enjoyable.
Nowhere in my comment did I say she should do whatever he asks whenever he asks. Far from it. But I urged her to think about him, too. If you honestly can't even think about sex right now, that's fine. But if you love your SO, then SHOW HIM. If you can find a way to show him love that doesn't involve sex, then do that. But I know for my husband, that physical intimacy is what he needs. I can clean the house and make his favorite meal and let him choose what we're going to do, but having that physical intimacy is still his strongest love language and he feels the most loved through that. Fun fact - humans are forgetful and it's really easy to forget that someone loves you if the words don't match the actions.
Also, if you're consistently going to shut your SO down, then why should he give you a massage or take you to a nice place to eat? Why should you get what you want while calling him selfish for wanting sex? That honestly makes no sense to me. You may want him to make the first step and then you'll feel loved enough to reciprocate with something that he desires, but it is incredibly selfish to demand that he always make the first step. You're in this relationship, too.
There are 5 broad categories of love languages - gifts, acts of service, words of encouragement, physical touch, and quality time. Find out what his is and communicate to him what yours is. Mine is acts of service and words of encouragement. His is physical touch and words of encouragement. Yesterday, I needed a nap because, well, I'm growing a human. My husband cooked dinner, did the dishes, and a few other things while I slept. I felt incredibly loved and I told him EXACTLY what he did that made me feel loved. This morning, I could tell he wanted/needed to be close to me. He explained he'd had a dream that made him feel distant from me and so when he woke, he wanted that closeness. Because I love him and I want him to know that I am there, we had sex. And he told me that he felt loved because of that.
A marriage is not solely about sex. It can't be. But if you let that physical intimacy go (whether it's sex or some other form of physical touch), the rest of your marriage WILL suffer.
I think the only thing i want to add is it seems like your question had a "right answer". If you asked him about HIS STRUGGLES AND CONCERNS why would he answer with "im concerned about your pain". I think you should think of your motive if asking him this question. Did you really want to know what he was feeling? Did you really want his opinion? You initiated a question about him and got mad it wasnt about you. (Not attacking, just saying)
If you feel he isnt acknowledging your struggles while carrying twins initiate a discussion about your struggles instead of asking him how he feels in hopes he gives you the answer you want to hear.
Long story short my husband and I worked it out and came to the conclusion that we love and adore each other and the sex isn't that big of a deal.
Before we got pregnant our sex life was great and I was always the one that initiated sex. I give him oral when I'm not in the mood and up until 2 months ago when it became vaginally painful to have intercourse. Plus when I'm lying awake in bed in pain from the sex he's asleep from the pleasure.
I appreciate all of the comments as it gave me a lot to think about. Thanks ladies!