Is there anyone who wouldn't mind at all ? I am actually moving into my parents place a month before delivery -- as that is the common practice here (in India) and will be there for at least 2 or 3 months...
My mom stayed with us for 3 weeks after my LO was born. But I think it is different mentality for Asians. First, usually only the new mother's mom stays for that long as soon as the new baby arrives, not the in-laws (at least from my friends and cousins this has been true, unless the husband's mom is in the same country but the wife's is not). So there is more familiarity and less friction. Secondly mother will come specifically to help the new mom. My mom made us dinners, helped take the baby so I could nap and never asked for anything. She also rarely gave her opinion as long as I was sorta doing things right, which is mostly because my mom is a saint, not just because she is indian.
I think a lot of visitors here still expect to be treated like guests who are visiting to see the baby (or from what I gather from the frustrations of the women on this board). Not as helpers to lend a hand and support the new mom while she recovers.
Plus there is much more privacy and independence that is the baseline in many western cultures that when you overstep (especially in someone's own home), it's almost insulting or thoughtless on the visitors part.
I could have written this exact post about my SIL. She's a serious overstepper. Actually I can't say any more or I'll get so mad ill scream in the middle of Starbucks.
I love my ILs but I'm very thankful the live 20 mins away. I know they'll pop in but I don't have to entertain them. If my parents choose to come in right when baby is born my sister has already offered accommodations (we're in an appartment an they have a house) so I won't have sleep over guests.
If someone was flying in I'd probably put them up with us if space allowed. Ground rules would be set and they certainly wouldn't be there right off the get go. Maybe week two. But in my situation I'm not too concerned about either set. They know me and how I do things. As long as I don't hide away and push people out they'll respect mine and SOs space.
But I am lucky to have so many babysitters and helpers right on hand
I do have a suggestion for a compromise that could benefit you. Do you have any family that lives near you that could let them stay there? Or even really good friends? IF so you could arrange like a one week stay that's free but also not with you and tell them they may visit for a couple of hours in the AM and a couple of hours in the PM. That would allow you an opportunity to nap, shower, eat, etc. without them being in the way while you're trying to BF and such. Just a suggestion that may not work for you, I think that's the only compromise I could live with if I was in the same situation.
If all else fails, ask your husband to tear his penis in half part of the way down to his balls and see if he's cool with your parents coming to stay for 3 weeks while he lactates all over the place;)
If all else fails, ask your husband to tear his penis in half part of the way down to his balls and see if he's cool with your parents coming to stay for 3 weeks while he lactates all over the place;)
I.love.this. seriously this is a great last resort for an argument about family visiting. Very vulgar so even wonderful. Thank you.
I set a standard for everyone way before my due date so no one was surprised. *No one stayed with us for a month after the baby was born.* We let it be known that we would love to see everyone, but needed our space the first month. Everyone was really understanding and figured it out on their own. Keep in mind both of our families live 5-7 hours away. I will do it again with this baby. I had no regrets
If all else fails, ask your husband to tear his penis in half part of the way down to his balls and see if he's cool with your parents coming to stay for 3 weeks while he lactates all over the place;)
Tell them to come when bubbas arrived and you are back home and settled in and that will need space to adjust so how about they stay in a nearby hotel??? Worth a try lol
You're going to have so much going on and if you're trying to breast feed you don't need extra people all in your business. Your emotions will be going crazy and adjusting to new baby. Your body will be adjusting too and you will want to just be comfortable in your one house and you can't do that with extra people there. I vote for a hotel!
If all else fails, ask your husband to tear his penis in half part of the way down to his balls and see if he's cool with your parents coming to stay for 3 weeks while he lactates all over the place;)
I.love.this. seriously this is a great last resort for an argument about family visiting. Very vulgar so even wonderful. Thank you.
The thought came to me when I was sitting in the hospital bed just hours after delivery and MIL was holding DS while I was making small talk with FIL. I was like "if a man had just pushed a watermelon out of his penis and was sitting there all stitched up and bleeding, no one would ever expect him to be chit chatting with his in-laws." I know some people feel fine after delivery and I wasn't even really in pain, but I really just wanted to be left alone to hold my baby with my husband.
My parents are always supper helpful when they stay over. Even change the sheets on the guest bed out used towels in the laundry room and start the washer before they leave. I'm hoping they stay a day or two. IL are another story. I actually found a bra and two pairs of pants cramped in the wardrobe after their last visit. Looked like the guest suit had a huricane go through it every time. And they made salomie sandwhiches for two 3 year olds. That shits $8 a pound! And was bought for wine night with hubby. Aaaaah. I still try to figure out how my hubby wasn't addopted. Cuz these are the same people who had a bobcat puppet at our wedding reception. Maybe they think they're staying in a hotel cuz they always say our house should be a B&B.
Like @NenaB54 I also wonder how everyone is going to feel when their daughter in law or daughter asks them to stay in a hotel or wait weeks or a month to visit their grandbabies. I hope everyone remembers how much they needed their privacy
I can't speak for anyone else, but I would never expect to stay with my (theoretical) son and future daughter in law for an extended period of time, especially after they just had a baby! That's overstepping so many boundaries in my eyes and I would make other arrangements.
I'm glad you won't overstep boundaries in the future... My only point is I'm sure they're just excited about a new grandchild and not trying to impose or inconvenience. I'm sure flying half way across the country is going to cost a good amount and I've never stayed in a hotel for less than $100 a night, so a three week hotel stay seems really expensive on top of flights. It's her husband's child too and his family, which I think should be taken into consideration. One of the reasons I fell in love w my husband is because of the respect and love he has for his parents. Even if they drive me crazy from time to time I value his love for his family.
Yes family bonding and healing are very important, so maybe other compromises can be made... Length or timing of their stay instead of what some suggest "stick to your guns and say no way"...
I think when our little ones are grown up and have their own kids we would all be heartbroken to not be wanted around. After a lifetime of sacrifices and raising them... to be thought of as an inconvenience is really sad.
Like @NenaB54 I also wonder how everyone is going to feel when their daughter in law or daughter asks them to stay in a hotel or wait weeks or a month to visit their grandbabies. I hope everyone remembers how much they needed their privacy
I can't speak for anyone else, but I would never expect to stay with my (theoretical) son and future daughter in law for an extended period of time, especially after they just had a baby! That's overstepping so many boundaries in my eyes and I would make other arrangements.
I'm glad you won't overstep boundaries in the future... My only point is I'm sure they're just excited about a new grandchild and not trying to impose or inconvenience. I'm sure flying half way across the country is going to cost a good amount and I've never stayed in a hotel for less than $100 a night, so a three week hotel stay seems really expensive on top of flights. It's her husband's child too and his family, which I think should be taken into consideration. One of the reasons I fell in love w my husband is because of the respect and love he has for his parents. Even if they drive me crazy from time to time I value his love for his family.
Yes family bonding and healing are very important, so maybe other compromises can be made... Length or timing of their stay instead of what some suggest "stick to your guns and say no way"...
I think when our little ones are grown up and have their own kids we would all be heartbroken to not be wanted around. After a lifetime of sacrifices and raising them... to be thought of as an inconvenience is really sad.
Oh, I don't doubt that they are excited for their new grandchild! That doesn't make staying 3 weeks in their home acceptable in my opinion. Yes, it's her husbands child too and his family... But like many of us stated, he won't be the one recovering/ breastfeeding/etc. I'm a FTM and can only imagine what that process (physically and emotionally) is like and I can only imagine I would want to be surrounded by people who I am most comfortable with.
Perhaps a good compromise would be a visit a month or two after the baby comes. I think OP was mostly concerned about them staying in her house during such a new transition in her life when privacy is appreciated.
Like @NenaB54 I also wonder how everyone is going to feel when their daughter in law or daughter asks them to stay in a hotel or wait weeks or a month to visit their grandbabies. I hope everyone remembers how much they needed their privacy
I can't speak for anyone else, but I would never expect to stay with my (theoretical) son and future daughter in law for an extended period of time, especially after they just had a baby! That's overstepping so many boundaries in my eyes and I would make other arrangements.
I'm glad you won't overstep boundaries in the future... My only point is I'm sure they're just excited about a new grandchild and not trying to impose or inconvenience. I'm sure flying half way across the country is going to cost a good amount and I've never stayed in a hotel for less than $100 a night, so a three week hotel stay seems really expensive on top of flights. It's her husband's child too and his family, which I think should be taken into consideration. One of the reasons I fell in love w my husband is because of the respect and love he has for his parents. Even if they drive me crazy from time to time I value his love for his family.
Yes family bonding and healing are very important, so maybe other compromises can be made... Length or timing of their stay instead of what some suggest "stick to your guns and say no way"...
I think when our little ones are grown up and have their own kids we would all be heartbroken to not be wanted around. After a lifetime of sacrifices and raising them... to be thought of as an inconvenience is really sad.
I think you're taking this personally. It doesn't really have anything to do with not wanting the grandparents around or just thinking of them as an inconvenience, it's about the emotional and physical demands put on new parents and not adding to that right away. Giving birth is a huge, exhausting, time consuming task that requires a lot of healing, and for some women it incorporates major surgery. Taking care of a newborn is just about the biggest life change a person could ever experience and goes hand in hand with sleep deprivation and is very demanding. Learning to breastfeed is awkward, difficult, possibly painful, emotional, and private. This type of situation is just not conducive to dealing with houseguests. Period. No matter how much you love them or how many sacrifices they've made in the past you do not owe them to provide them with your home to stay in so they can meet their grandchild right away while you already have that much on your plate. If you're comfortable with that situation, great! That's awesome. But absolutely no woman should feel obligated to be even more uncomfortable and stressed out than she already is right after giving birth and adjusting to motherhood. Dad gets a vote in this matter when he's the one that gives birth and has to learn to breastfeed.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say those of us who have crappy/annoying in-laws will know in the future what not to do when our daughter-in-law is having a baby.
What mom and baby needs comes first. Dad is there to back mom up and be the body guard if necessary. Anything else is just details. Can we call this debate closed?
I'm not taking it personally, just trying to give a different perspective and point out that a three week hotel stay is pretty expensive. I did say maybe a compromise on the length or timing of their stay would be helpful.
Re: In-law debate
My mom stayed with us for 3 weeks after my LO was born. But I think it is different mentality for Asians. First, usually only the new mother's mom stays for that long as soon as the new baby arrives, not the in-laws (at least from my friends and cousins this has been true, unless the husband's mom is in the same country but the wife's is not). So there is more familiarity and less friction. Secondly mother will come specifically to help the new mom. My mom made us dinners, helped take the baby so I could nap and never asked for anything. She also rarely gave her opinion as long as I was sorta doing things right, which is mostly because my mom is a saint, not just because she is indian.
If someone was flying in I'd probably put them up with us if space allowed. Ground rules would be set and they certainly wouldn't be there right off the get go. Maybe week two. But in my situation I'm not too concerned about either set. They know me and how I do things. As long as I don't hide away and push people out they'll respect mine and SOs space.
But I am lucky to have so many babysitters and helpers right on hand
IL are another story. I actually found a bra and two pairs of pants cramped in the wardrobe after their last visit. Looked like the guest suit had a huricane go through it every time. And they made salomie sandwhiches for two 3 year olds. That shits $8 a pound! And was bought for wine night with hubby. Aaaaah. I still try to figure out how my hubby wasn't addopted. Cuz these are the same people who had a bobcat puppet at our wedding reception.
Maybe they think they're staying in a hotel cuz they always say our house should be a B&B.
Yes family bonding and healing are very important, so maybe other compromises can be made... Length or timing of their stay instead of what some suggest "stick to your guns and say no way"...
I think when our little ones are grown up and have their own kids we would all be heartbroken to not be wanted around. After a lifetime of sacrifices and raising them... to be thought of as an inconvenience is really sad.
Perhaps a good compromise would be a visit a month or two after the baby comes. I think OP was mostly concerned about them staying in her house during such a new transition in her life when privacy is appreciated.
I think you're taking this personally. It doesn't really have anything to do with not wanting the grandparents around or just thinking of them as an inconvenience, it's about the emotional and physical demands put on new parents and not adding to that right away. Giving birth is a huge, exhausting, time consuming task that requires a lot of healing, and for some women it incorporates major surgery. Taking care of a newborn is just about the biggest life change a person could ever experience and goes hand in hand with sleep deprivation and is very demanding. Learning to breastfeed is awkward, difficult, possibly painful, emotional, and private. This type of situation is just not conducive to dealing with houseguests. Period. No matter how much you love them or how many sacrifices they've made in the past you do not owe them to provide them with your home to stay in so they can meet their grandchild right away while you already have that much on your plate. If you're comfortable with that situation, great! That's awesome. But absolutely no woman should feel obligated to be even more uncomfortable and stressed out than she already is right after giving birth and adjusting to motherhood. Dad gets a vote in this matter when he's the one that gives birth and has to learn to breastfeed.
What mom and baby needs comes first. Dad is there to back mom up and be the body guard if necessary.
Anything else is just details.
Can we call this debate closed?
I'm not taking it personally, just trying to give a different perspective and point out that a three week hotel stay is pretty expensive. I did say maybe a compromise on the length or timing of their stay would be helpful.