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In-law debate

MommaB16MommaB16 member
edited July 2015 in January 2016 Moms
We've all got about 6 months or less till we meet our LO's and I made it until today before full out worrying about my in-laws visiting before, during birth, and maternity leave.
My in-laws live out of state, half way across the country. Last year they both became retired, and informed us they would be coming to visit 2 times per year, vs their normal 1 visit per year. There 1 visit per years usually were about 3 weeks long. Too long. I do take into consideration my hubs wants to see his family and they want to see him, but it's so intrusive and there's verbal disagreements about life views; and I just don't understand why they make the trips so long when we're always blatantly ready for them to leave after like, a week. But we truck through it.
So from these past experiences I'm so dreadful for their visit for this birth. I'm afraid they'll be here before my due date and it'll pretty much be like "You gonna have your baby now? How about now? Now?". I'm afraid they'll want to be here about a month, and that I will waste a large part of my maternity leave being upset and uncomfortable like I am every time they visit. And finally, my hubs assumes they're staying with us because they stay with us when they visit. During our wedding I didn't want them there, but I lost that battle. I don't want them physically staying with us for this either. I'm very uncomfortable when I'm sick, and I can imagine how I will feel physically and mentally during birth recovery at home and I just don't want company that is living with me for a month! Anyone have the same issue? Anyone agree that they shouldn't be staying at our house during this life event?
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    ashhsaashhsa member
    At the end of the day, im sure others will disagree, but I wouldn't want my in laws staying with me over that time either. I think you should put yourself first and ask them nicely to stay in a hotel, if you can afford it maybe even offer to pay. Maybe to avoid awkwardness tell them you are sick and grumpy and you feel you will be a burden and not very good company so they don't take it personally?!
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    MamaGooGooMamaGooGoo member
    Ugh. I'd be dreading this too. Luckily (and unluckily?) for me all of my in laws live nearby so if they come to visit then they'll return to their own houses. With my dd I got pretty frustrated in the first few weeks with soooo many people wanting to visit every damn day. It was really hard while trying to breastfeed, too. I blame that failure on them. If I were you, I'd make sure to get your husband on your side, even if he's really not. He should be the one to tell them that for this visit they need to stay elsewhere. It's just too much going on in the first few weeks to have extra people in the house. Even when people are there "to help," I never saw it like that. You'll want time alone to bond with your new family.
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    LauraFiLauraFi member
    I know how you feel. We are currently out of country and before that lived out of province from all our family so visits are always of a longer duration. When we got married last fall my in laws (MIL, FIL, and SIL) stayed with us for two weeks (we also had my DHs aunt and grandpa with us for a couple nights just after the wedding, and I had two of my bridesmaids stay with us before the wedding). I was so done with my in laws by the end of that two weeks that I was already dreading their next visit. Which was actually a month ago and not that bad. It isn't that I don't like my in laws, I love them, I just don't want to live with them. Now for having the baby they will stay with us again for just under two weeks (luckily they can't get away from work for longer). We've already established a timeline. We have the baby sometime (mid January), I will let my parents know and they will fly out two weeks later for a two week visit, and then the in laws are going to come at the end of February. We strictly said that we wanted a couple weeks by ourselves with the baby before having guests stay with us. I think by the time my parents get here I will be really happy for the help (get along great with my parents, they are super easy going and helpful), but I'm still not 100% sure how it will go with the in laws. My DH is planning on taking at least one day off while they are here to give me a break, but may take a couple more depending upon how it goes. I will also be encouraging them to get out of the house, whether it is to sight see, walk the dog, get groceries, whatever gives me some alone time while they are here.
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    sarah92544sarah92544 member
    When i had DS my then MIL came to my house while i was in the hospital rearranged my living room and nursery and came over first thing every day and stayed till about 8at night! Oh and when i gave birth i got a card from her not to say congrats or anything but to say thank you for making me a grandma. I about lost my mind after a week of her i blew up and she was cut down to an hour a day.
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    JandJ62914JandJ62914 member
    I can sympathize with this. My in-laws are awful...my MIL is just annoying, but my FIL is verbally and emotionally abusive and just a miserable person. I would never want them staying with me, and especially not when I'm trying to settle in and get into a routine with a newborn.  I'm lucky because they live 45 minutes away so they're far away enough that they can't just swing by without a phone call first, but they also are close enough that a visit doesn't require them staying with us.  My MIL already said she wants to take a few weeks off to help me right after the baby is born, so I have to figure out how to deal with that situation myself. 

    Have you and your husband talked about this visit yet?  I think this is different than your wedding...this is a time when you need privacy and alone time as you settle in and get into a routine and figure out what works with you and your baby.  That doesn't mean that they can't be there with you during the day for a few hours at a time, but it's not a good time for them to stay with you. Your hands are going to be so full as it is, especially without having to host them.

    Ugh good luck with this!!! In-laws can be so tough.
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    Rach8672Rach8672 member
    Does anyone else have this same problem with thier own parents ??? My parents live across the country and recently told me they are flying in for Christmas and are waiting until my delivery to fly home. I'm due early January 10th ish. They do plan on leaving shortly after the birth. I'm happy to have my mom there for the birth , in the waiting room but worry its going to add stress especially to my husband.
    Oh did I mention they are staying with us and our condo is a 2 br but tiny !!! Rent and hotels are super expensive where I am so I would never ask them to get a hotel .

    I feel your pain! Fingers crossed ,could be great could be super annoying :/
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    NenaB54NenaB54 member

    I guess I will play devil's advocate here, but would you feel the same if it were your parents versus his? I agree with you that it can be annoying to have people stay with you for that long, but I would also try to put myself in your husband and in laws shoes. They live far away, and don't get to see you often. In the long run I feel like the pros outweigh the cons, and family is important. One day when they are not longer around, you or your husband may regret not accommodating them a little more. Remember, you may one day be in the same situation if you have a boy.

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    Love4littlethings24Love4littlethings24 member
    I'm going to say for anyone reading this, set your boundaries NOW. My MIL doesn't get boundaries and I've learned she will manipulate and twist a situation to get her way. In the beginning she offered us to stay at her house for the first few weeks while we adjust to having the baby, uhm wtf? No. Shoot me now. Then she suggested we rent a property from them ( that's huge piece of junk btw) that's 2 min away from them. Just no. You need to have a serious talk with your DH. This is a topic I researched a lot, and every thing I read said bad idea. I even talked to my SIL this weekend and asked her experience and even when ILs flew out to visit and stayed at hotels and came over for a few hours each day, it was too much. I would wait a month or two after the baby comes. I've learned for me space is going to be non negotiable, and I will have no problems setting rules beforehand. You have to with certain kinds of people. And I remind myself now, I have to be firm and make rules because MIL will push them regardless and she doesn't see boundaries. You are the one healing after birth, you are the one learning to breastfeed. You need to stand up and make it non-negotiable to your husband. These are treasured times that you won't get to do over, and people are going to see how far they can push you.
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    danasphillipsdanasphillips member
    If you are uncomfortable around them now, it will only be a hundred thousand times worse when baby comes. My in-laws and I got along great pre-baby, but post baby it was like they had NO boundaries, which is why there will be ZERO visitors at the hospital this time around, other than DS. You and your husband have to be a united front on this or it will be a disaster. Figure out what you want and then let him inform them of it. You may feel great post-partum or you may not (more likely). I would say something like, "since things are going to be crazy right when baby is born and I'm going to be recovering, learning to breastfeed, etc., we'd love for you guys to come visit for a few days, but ask that you stay in a hotel this first time around. When the baby is around a month old we're having a sip and see and would love for you to come stay with us for a week then (if you are comfortable with that)." They likely aren't going to be thrilled about it, but this is YOUR baby and your experience.

    I truly wish I had discussed this with my husband early on and done a better job of putting my foot down, because in the end it only drove a huge wedge between MIL and I that took years to get over.
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    mamaksweezmamaksweez member
    With my first I was due June 3rd. My mom and sister both were 2 weeks late with their first, so I was thinking baby would come late. My in-laws decided to take the first week of June off of work to see the baby... I was so upset, like we're all just going to be sitting around looking at each other waiting for baby to come. It turns out my dd came May 30th, so we didn't have to just wait.

    They stayed with my sister in law which was super helpful to give us a break from them. But it did go better than I expected. Our garbage disposal broke and my FIL fixed it. We started growing seeds in our living room and my husband and FIL were able to move them outside and start the garden. My MIL was more ...annoying for lack of a better word. She just didn't really know what to do so was just kind of in the way.

    Honestly if your in laws are there for so long, you just need to do what you need to do for you and baby and go about your life as if they arent there. My brother always makes a list of things for his FIL to do when he comes, because he kind of gets in the way like my MIL. So maybe give them chores? Good luck!
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    mego14mego14 member
    @NenaB54 I disagree... I think that since she will be the one recovering from giving birth and possibly breastfeeding (if she decides to) she is the one who gets to decide who she is comfortable having around. I for one would not feel uncomfortable having my parents around during that time but I would certainly mind my in laws being around during that time! This is one of the few times I don't think someone should put themselves in another persons shoes... She is the one who will be recovering and she is the one who is uncomfortable with the idea of having her in laws staying with them during that time so it's her decision in my opinion! Hopefully her husband will back her up! :) Good luck, OP!
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    UptownPearlUptownPearl member
    This is the time where I would play the "I'm the one having the baby!" card and trump whatever DH wants. Usually I think you should always compromise and try to oblige your SO's wishes when you can, but not in this case. You need to feel calm and comfortable, this is not the time to just "suck it up and deal with it" like you might at holidays or vacationing with family. I think you should sit DH down and tell him all your concerns and firmly set guidelines of what you are and aren't OK with regarding the birth and your maternity leave and family
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    mamaksweezmamaksweez member
    OP is this your first child? My husband had stupid expectations too until baby actually arrived. Guys just think there's going to be a baby added to the house and they won't get as much sleep.

    They have no idea that their wife will be recovering for weeks and that nursing happens all the time around the clock and even if your husband disagrees now, once baby comes I'm sure he won't want his parents staying with you either...
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    shrsrishrsri member
    Is there anyone who wouldn't mind at all ? I am actually moving into my parents place a month before delivery -- as that is the common practice here (in India) and will be there for at least 2 or 3 months...
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    SnoopylovesbelleSnoopylovesbelle member
    I'm currently at my moms because we are still looking for a house. We will probably still be here when the baby arrives. I'm totally fine with this because my mom is super helpful and knows when to back off.
    My MIL passed away- I would give anything for her to be here and be part of this.
    However if my in laws or parents annoyed the crap out of me I would not want them to be staying with me 24/7. Trying to figure out how to breast feed, recovering and having this new person with you is overwhelming. We had visitors come over but they had to bring food and do something. No one stayed more than an hour unless it was so we could try to sleep.
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    sherks11sherks11 member
    I don't think I could handle it. My ILs already spend one to two nights a week at our house because they decided to sell their house and move an hour and a half away but still work near our house. It used to be much worse where it was 3-4 nights a week but I finally had DH say something because I just couldn't handle it. I am also on vaca with my ILs right now for 3 weeks. We planned to come to FL and they were all "we will come too!" It's hard because I really like them but this is too long. It's no longer our family vacation. I don't even think I could live with MY parents that long!! Set boundaries now!!!!
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    TinyDancer51510TinyDancer51510 member
    @shrsri: I'm sure part of it is a cultural thing. Americans are taught to value space and independence from family (esp. in-laws). I actually wish there was a little more balance. I think there would be much less loneliness, esp for the older generations.

    Anyway, to OP: You have to decide what you're comfortable with and make it known now. Maybe tell your husband that a lot of women told you that they needed/wanted space after giving birth and you strongly feel you will need the same. If people want to get butthurt about it, oh well. My brother's fiancée was butthurt that we wouldn't let her come with my brother to the gender reveal photo shoot last weekend. (He was our photographer.) Too bad. This isn't about her and it's not about your in-laws or any other family member. This is about us and our babies and significant others. Standing up to them now will also set the tone for the future when they want to do xyz with your kid.

    Also, 3 weeks?! Whew! Girl, you are a saint. We used to go to my grandma's every summer for a two week family reunion and you could tell after about 10 days, everybody was on each other's nerves. And we all enjoyed each other's company for the most part. Let us know how things go!
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    Monilee1017Monilee1017 member
    @shrsri I won't mind at all.
    Married 2006
    DS1 2010
    DS2 2013
    DD1 2016
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    KareninKarenin member
    I agree you should set a boundary about them staying with you. Even if you love them having anyone staying with you is stressful during that time and while family is important, the family you are creating with DH must take precedent or his family and yours. Is it affordable for them to stay at a hotel hen the baby comes? Maybe you and DH could gift a few night at a hotel for them? If them staying with you is unavoidable, DH needs to set a limit for how long and also try to use them to help! Running errands, making meals,etc. that's a worst case scenario but it's one way to mKe it better if a hotel is unaffordable.

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    MommaB16MommaB16 member
    All of your responses are amazing and are super helpful! I appreciate all of the feedback and I honestly feel more prepared to talk to my DH again about this! I've got some good points that I think will help him understand.

    To answer a few questions. Yes this is the first, so I also think he's being a bit naive about the reality of how we'll feel once we're home.
    I did bring this topic up to him around 6 weeks. I guess I was being optimistic thinking he would just agree with me and it would be a short conversation. He got pretty defensive upfront, and I dropped the conversation right away. I won't back down on this one, so I didn't want to get too heated when we were experiencing the excitement of finding out we were expecting around that time.
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    BlueyedskyBlueyedsky member
    My mom will probably be staying with us the week after I give birth to help out. She's basically offered to cook and clean and help with the baby so I can get some rest, and then give us some space. I will probably be begging her to stay longer lol. But if my in-laws wanted to stay with us, I would go mad. I love them to pieces and they are super sweet.I'm sure my MIL would help a lot. But I don't want anyone else close. My mom will already be an intrusion, but probably a necessary one.
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    CanDGrrlCanDGrrl member
    What does DH think about the situation? Can you come to some sort of agreement?  What if they planned their trip when baby was about a month old? It's hard to say "NO" to someone who is traveling across the country to see your family.  I totally get the way you feel, but if you think about how many days out of the year you see them, it really isn't bad. Asking someone to stay in a hotel for 2+ weeks seems excessive to me; that's a lot of money they'd probably rather spend on your family.  
    I do believe you and DH should agree on reasonable boundaries, but sacrifices are part of being married and having a family.  I know it's not a popular idea but I'm there with @nenaB54.  Whatever you decide, I wish you well!  
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    apinkpelicanapinkpelican member
    I was going to suggest the same thing @candgrrl suggested.  Can you ask them to come stay with you once the baby is a month old?  I really don't that is asking too much.  By then you'll have had a little time with just your new family and may actually appreciate an extra set of hands (assuming they don't just want to hold the baby and that they'll cook/clean).   Your hormones will be out of control that first month so if you are already uncomfortable with them being there you are probably going to be even more so after birth. 

    My MIL is the sweetest woman in the world but for some crazy new-mom reason I was very protective over my baby.  After time, now she is one of the only people I feel 100% comfortable leaving the baby with.  With baby#2 I don't think I'll be as crazed but there is just something about your first baby that brings out the MamaBear in you.  But you shouldn't feel guilty about this either.  
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    Love4littlethings24Love4littlethings24 member
    CanDGrrl said:

    What does DH think about the situation? Can you come to some sort of agreement?  What if they planned their trip when baby was about a month old? It's hard to say "NO" to someone who is traveling across the country to see your family.  I totally get the way you feel, but if you think about how many days out of the year you see them, it really isn't bad. Asking someone to stay in a hotel for 2+ weeks seems excessive to me; that's a lot of money they'd probably rather spend on your family.  

    I do believe you and DH should agree on reasonable boundaries, but sacrifices are part of being married and having a family.  I know it's not a popular idea but I'm there with @nenaB54.  Whatever you decide, I wish you well!  
    I get where you're coming from but at the same time there's no do overs with your children. And a lot of times you can "set boundaries", but realistically people are really excited and they don't consider others feelings. There's no way I would suck it up for two weeks and put my priority family (us three) aside to accommodate others. Not only that but that rifts that will form by "sucking it up". No thank you.

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    tudokintudokin member
    Like @NenaB54 I also wonder how everyone is going to feel when their daughter in law or daughter asks them to stay in a hotel or wait weeks or a month to visit their grandbabies. I hope everyone remembers how much they needed their privacy
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    LauraFiLauraFi member
    I think that part of it, for me at least, is that I really don't want to be rude to my in laws so find it harder to set boundaries than I do with my own parents; this is something I will need to work on. It makes sense for them to come and visit AFTER the baby is born, and if they don't have anyone else to stay with that they stay with you, but I would highly encourage them to wait until February to visit and keep the visit to only a week or two (a month is way too long). Good luck talking to your DH.
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    daninikicolidaninikicoli member
    I had these same worries with my son. I put my foot down and even though it was kind of a fight with my husband, I won. I said I didn't want anyone staying with us for the first 3 months after ds was born and we settled on 2 months. I said if they had to come so badly during those 2 months they could stay in a hotel. I just tried explaining to him I needed my special time first with the baby, for us to bond as a family. Also if I'm getting hardly any sleep, I don't want house guest and not feeling comfortable.
    The same rules will apply this time. I suggest just talking to your husband.
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    UptownPearlUptownPearl member
    mego14 said:

    tudokin said:

    Like @NenaB54 I also wonder how everyone is going to feel when their daughter in law or daughter asks them to stay in a hotel or wait weeks or a month to visit their grandbabies. I hope everyone remembers how much they needed their privacy

    I can't speak for anyone else, but I would never expect to stay with my (theoretical) son and future daughter in law for an extended period of time, especially after they just had a baby! That's overstepping so many boundaries in my eyes and I would make other arrangements.
    I agree, I would NEVER impose like that! And I think I absolutely will remember in the future how precious and important those first few weeks are with baby and not want to take that bonding time away from my own children. But I think it is a different situation if family is close by or far away. My parents live 15 minutes away so I definitely want my mom to come over frequently as soon as LO arrives, but I won't have to worry about her being there 24/7 for weeks at a time. When we need space she'll give it to us. If they had to fly to see us I really don't know what I would do. But overall I think establishing sleep/feeding/bonding between healing mother and her baby those first couple of weeks are more important than the feelings of the grandparents. But to those who are fine with house guests right away more power to you. I wish I could be that flexible, I'm just not.
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    FlyingtroubleFlyingtrouble member
    @MommaB16 I cannot tell you how similar your post is to what I went through with my DD. I had BLAZING rows with my DH about this exact issue, I did not want his mother there until I felt I had a handle on things but I desperately wanted my mum there to help me. He flat out told me if I booked my mum a flight then he would book his mum a flight because he couldn't see the difference.

    The way I got him semi backing down was by explaining that MY mum is there to look after ME, HIS mum is pure and simple there for her granddaughter. I also said that if he were having major surgery and wanted his mum there then I am in no position to argue, I feel like the whole labour and recovery is as difficult as major surgery (whether you actually have a c-sec or not) and I wanted my mum there!

    In the end, my mum came out when DD was 1 week old and his mum came when she was 3 weeks old and I very very nearly sent her home after 2 days. Ok so I really dislike her anyway but she did everything I knew she would and expected us to make her tea and dinner etc while she held the baby!

    Sorry for the long post, I'm still a bit bitter and just hope you get it sorted. I can honestly say if you don't do what you feel would be right for you then you will regret it.
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    KaraEpp16KaraEpp16 member
    I would ask for at least two weeks without extra people in your space. Boundaries must be set!
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    mego14mego14 member
    edited July 2015
    @UptownPearl I agree! My parents are about 20 minutes away and they are absolutely welcome after the baby comes home and I know they will be SO helpful. They are completely respectful of our privacy and they are careful to not overstep boundaries. I wish all parents could be like that too! I'm actually very lucky with my in laws as well. We are not close by we get along fine and they would never overstep boundaries or be inappropriate like some of these other in laws I read about! So I count myself lucky :)

    Edited to add that my in laws are welcome too since they live close and they never overstay! :)

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