October 2015 Moms

Out of town visitors when baby arrives

So my husbands whole family is from out of town (3 hour drives, plane rides for some). My MIL keeps telling me how she had cleared her calendar for October to come visit. I'm feeling really overwhelmed by everything. I told my husband that nothing can really be set in stone for anyone to come stay with us until she's born and we've come home. I'm a FTM but in my opinion I feel it's important that my husband and I have at least 2 weeks including 2 weekends in there to ourselves so that we can all feel each other out and get into a groove before people come stay the weekend. Am I being too bitchy? I just feel like some space will be needed in the beginning and I probably won't feel great. I think it's hard when people come stay at your house because you feel like you need to entertain and all I want to do is settle into our new life with baby just us 3 for a little bit.

Re: Out of town visitors when baby arrives

  • Loading the player...
  • I think it's rude to ask your immediately family to stay in a hotel when they are already spending money and time to visit you. If you really don't want them to come/stay with you, I would just tell them not to or give alternative future dates. Whether they stay in hotel or not they are going to want to be over and around the whole time, I mean that's what they would be coming for. So if you have the urge to say you don't want people staying with you I would also just express the fact that you want the alone family time.

    I personally don't agree and wouldn't mind close family visiting and helping out. My hubby and I have our whole lives with our family and they don't live around here anyway. But I would say have the ba!!s to be honest if you don't! And sooner than later as mothers and MIL prob expect to be visiting.
  • First off @christina4436 my family would stay with us of course. Second I'm not chit chatting behind their backs. They know I want some time after she is born. I think people coming to help out is great. For myself, the alone time when we arrive home is important. I also think it's difficult for people to set dates to come visit when we are not even sure when she will be arriving.
    If I read into your comment too harshly I apologize.
  • Well you asked 'am I being too bitchy' so I guess I could have just said yes and you would be happier?!?

    I'm confused what you are posting for then, it seems your only answer is to tell them to come 2+ weeks after. I was just giving my opinion of alternative options. And by the sounds of it your mother in law is not clear what the plans are so again would just make it clear.
  • Not rude at all. My husband and I decided it would be best for everyone to have my in laws stay at a hotel after our little girl is born. It is important to us to have time to get used to the changes on our own and even though we appreciate their love and help, we know we have to set our own schedule and routine without them too.
    Our big deciding factor was that my in laws are really antsy; they don't like sitting around for too long and get bored easily. We figured if they had their own place to escape to during the day and at night it would allow them the freedom to get up and go and do as they please without worrying about us. Plus they stay up really late and wake up super early which I barely appreciate when they stay with us, now let alone a newborn baby and tired new parents!
    When we talked with them about it, we also said that if we found we needed more help we would let them know and they could come stay at our house. They were completely understanding and agreed with everything we said. They even noted that they might not love getting woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby and that a hotel would be best.
  • JAZsaxJAZsax member
    No, I have the same feelings right now! My brother and sister-in-law are 8 hours away and both my parents and my husbands parents live 2 hours away. So, when they come to visit it will be over night. However, my family is making reservations at one of our resorts in town (we live in a very famous resourt town in MN), so we can have alone time with baby. At first I felt a little guilty when they said this, because I thought that maybe I didn't make them feel welcomed but it when I said this, they responded that you'll thank us later. I am so happy that they're making more of sa vacation out of baby coming. However, my in-laws are expecting us to bring our newborn to come visit them...they haven't come to our house in over two years. I told my husband that he needs to make it clear to them what our plan is, and to mention that my family is staying at one of the resorts, so maybe they will get the hint that we want them to come visit, but we really want some time to ourselves. My mom is also going to be taking two weeks off in November when I go back to work to watch baby, which will be such a blessing and I won't mind having the extra help then. I think that if you convey that you really want them there to meet baby, but that you and your new family want some time to yourselves; that they will be extremely understanding, since they were in the same boat at one point in time. I'm not saying to tell them to get a hotel room, but I think that if you share your feelings that your family will completely understand.
  • The only person who will be staying at my house for a few days after the birth will be my mom. She will be extremely helpful with various things that need to be done around the house and just overall helping us to adjust. Anyone else who plans to be in town right away will be staying at a hotel. I don't think that's an unreasonable request, especially since we only have one guest room and we will have a newborn, after all. There is no way I would be comfortable with the thought of a whole bunch of family/in-laws in the house to entertain so soon after giving birth. My husband has assured me that he will be the "gatekeeper" and recognize when I or the baby needs rest and will let that be known to any visitors.
  • I don't think it's rude! I think you just have to set parameters around what you want. If you want to come in the first two weeks we are going to ask you to stay in a hotel. If you want to schedule a trip later once we've sorted out our routine then we would be happy to host. We have 3 sets of grandparents who I want to be around to meet their first grandchild and we have the space to have 2/3 stay with us. But that would be a nightmare because our families can get loud. We are going to offer the room to my in laws first since they are more financially strapped then my parents. My parents are fine staying in a hotel if needed as they don't want to overwhelm us.
  • Yeah I've made it clear to my husband to let them know that we can set plans as soon as she's born. I just think someone telling me a weekend they're coming to stay is a little up in the air right now since we don't know when baby will arrive. So I guess it doesn't sound to everyone that I made myself clear to them but I have. My husband works a lot and will be home with me and baby for the first week or two. To me that time is important for it to be just us before he's off and running again and back to his normal schedule.
  • If his mom is coming from out of town doesn't he want to spend some of this time off he has with her too? I have a great MIL who respects my boundaries as a mother so it's foreign to me to read about these horrible relationships some of you have with your MIL's and I'm not saying you have a horrible relationship with yours but if you want her to stay away for two weeks after her grandchild is born then that says bad relationship in my mind, and isn't entirely fair. Anything we offered to my parents after my son was born was offered to my in laws. Neither needed to stay with us since we all live so close but I did not stop either side from visiting or stopping by to see him when they could. I plan on being the same way with this one. This is her sons child she's going to be just as excited as your mom to meet this baby. I can completely understand putting limits on everyone else but if you aren't making your mom wait two weeks then I'd say you can't do that to your husbands mom without it hurting her feelings or offending her in some way.
  • BabyRollsBabyRolls member
    edited July 2015
    We see her all the time. My parents live 2 towns over that's different. I guess I'm just a bad person for wanting my privacy when I come home. And it's anyone coming and staying with us a few nights. Idk I've never done this before. But I know myself and I like my space. I guess everyone has mixed feelings and opinions on this topic.
  • Im in the exact same predicament. My mom just told me that shes coming into town october 16 which ten days after my due date and five days after my hubby gets home from a deployment. I have to tell her that I would love her to come but me and my hubby want at least two weeks to ourselves after our daughter gets here so we can get to know her and get on some sort of schedule. My mom is from florida like nine hrs away from where we are. Im just going to tell them to c if they can come in the first week of november and c how that goes. But I would definitely tell ur family a future date though so they can make the plans. Good luck to u
  • Having people stay with us is kind of a non-issue because we don't have any extra space, but I completely understand not wanting to host overnight visitors the first couple of weeks. Thankfully, my inlaws will be staying in a hotel when DD is born, since they'll also be taking care of DS. As far as I'm concerned, they're welcome to stay as long as they want and drop by to visit, but I know it won't be more than a couple of days - and they're my closest family at 2.5 hours away.

    My sisters live about 5 and 10 hours away, respectively, and my parents live 10 hours away in another direction. My parents would be the ones I'd be most worried about trying to come stay the weekend, but honestly, I don't have space.

    That aside, I can't imagine being up to hosting visitors during the first couple weeks. Even if they'd "help" with the baby, I know I'd still have to be cooking for them, making sure my house is clean, etc. I feel like November is a better time to plan for visits. That way, you've had some time to adjust. I recall the first two weeks being the roughest after I had DS (and I had a smooth recovery).

    I really don't think it's selfish to say "we need a couple of weeks to ourselves to get adjusted, but we'd love to have you come visit after that"

    a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Tips"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1c2dc3.aspx" alt=" Pregnancy Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
  • @BabyRolls How does your husband feel about her coming to stay with you?  I feel it should be more his decision than anything since it's his mother, or at least a decision the two of you should discuss.  My husband would be upset if his mom wasn't allowed to visit.  You may also want the help around the house.  Maybe set some boundaries for her visit?

    This is not specifically for you @BabyRolls, but I agree with @mrsdhouse89, anything offered to your parents should be offered to his as well.  I've seen all of the posts on here about only wanting the mother's parents or mom at the hospital and not the father's, same for visiting shortly after the baby is born.  I couldn't imagine how that would make the father's parents feel!  It's kind of embarrassing.  It's not just the mother's child, but both of yours.  His family should be just as involved.
  • The only one who is staying with us immediately is my mom. My husband's parents got tickets to stay with us for 2 weeks but we told them it would be too chaotic to stay at the house and they're fine with staying at a hotel. It's just too much and they respect that.
  • @BabyRolls Yes, everyone does has various opinions on this topic and yes, you posted and asked for said opinions. Don't get upset over others' viewpoints. Make the best decision for you, and know that if that decision ruffles feathers then you will have to be firm enough in your decision to deal with it.
  • aprosch said:

    @BabyRolls How does your husband feel about her coming to stay with you?  I feel it should be more his decision than anything since it's his mother, or at least a decision the two of you should discuss.  My husband would be upset if his mom wasn't allowed to visit.  You may also want the help around the house.  Maybe set some boundaries for her visit?


    This is not specifically for you @BabyRolls, but I agree with @mrsdhouse89, anything offered to your parents should be offered to his as well.  I've seen all of the posts on here about only wanting the mother's parents or mom at the hospital and not the father's, same for visiting shortly after the baby is born.  I couldn't imagine how that would make the father's parents feel!  It's kind of embarrassing.  It's not just the mother's child, but both of yours.  His family should be just as involved.
    Perfectly said!
  • We have the space for overnight guests but for the first week we'll be having a night nurse stay. I love my mom and MIL and both are helpful but I'd much rather reserve the space for someone who's going to take care of all the night wake-ups so I can rest!
  • crbpjbcrbpjb member
    @BabyRolls I totally understand where you are coming from. It is hard to host guests from out of town. There are a lot expectations when you host people. And the situation with your parents and his parents are completely different because your parents wouldn't be staying with you and can give you space when you need it. I don't think the assumptions about you treating the in-laws differently are fair at all. Also, like you said, you don't and can't know when the baby will come. My sister's in-laws came to visit her third child, and they were there a week before he was. That was a waste! I mean of course they were still happy to see the family, but there was no baby. You're not saying they can't come; you're just asking for a little time. I have a friend who recently had her own mom stay for a week and while she appreciated the extra help, she said she wished she and her husband had more time to bond with baby and embrace their new roles rather than having someone else there 24/7.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • My husband's family is all three hrs away. Vs with my son we were on opposites coasts as them so everyone is excited to see my baby as a newborn but I'm not allowing visitors for probably the first three maybe four weeks. I have my reasons from our last experience. Fortunately they've never once come to visit in the entire year we've lived near them so I imagine they'll just be bugging us to bring the baby up and that's an easy thing to say no to. Lol no one will be staying the night, I really don't care if it makes me a bitch. We are one of the cultures that have no respect for the month after birth and expect women to be perfect hostesses willing to pass their babies around to everybody who can't wait to slobber over it. I refuse to take part in it. Haha. So does my husband. He actually has less sesire for his family to come then I do.
  • @jefinley1 thank you. And it's not just my MIL. there's a lot of out of town guests who want to come stay with us. I'd just like my space for a little bit. I've wanted a baby for a long time and after a miscarriage I want her all to myself for a little bit.
    @aprosch my husband agrees with me on settling in first before we have any out of town visitors stay with us.
    And no this is not her first grandchild.
  • My dad and one of my brothers will probably be with us the weekend prior to my EDD (which is a Monday) and stay for a least a few weeks (they live 3,500 miles away). I could not be more relieved. I know that as much as I am going to want him all to myself, I will be in pain and probably a mess, especially with being at such high risk for postpartum. I know I'm going to just want my dad and brother there to know I'm not alone, especially while my husband is on call, and that I will realistically need to just take a shower or get outside the apt to make a coffee run without being terrified that something is going to happen within those brief minutes of being in another room. 

    That being said, my dad is also VERY soft spoken and supportive and my brother is just excited to be an uncle and will be on his best behavior. If that weren't the case I'd probably be asking them to come out a few days after we get home from the hospital. Keep in mind that if they're supportive, they will be the ones taking the initiative to cook and throw a load of laundry in because they understand what you're going through. My family that's staying with us will not be there to monopolize our baby, they'll be there to see him AND to just be with our family as a whole and help out during a hard transition time. I think a lot of immediate family (esp if they're parents themselves) would live off of McDonalds before expecting you to cook and entertain right after your baby's born. 

    I don't know your family so I can't really give any advice beyond my personal perspective. Hope it helped a bit. 
  • We went through this with my in-laws (hubby is an only child so just his parents, and yes, this is their first grandchild). They live about 5 hours away but always drive when they visit, so they are flexible on arrival dates. DH gave them the option to come about a week after the baby is born, and stay in a hotel, or come 3-4 weeks after the baby is born and stay with us. They chose the first option, which I'm totally ok with. Since they drive, and have pretty flexible work schedules, they can plan their trip after the baby arrives. They will most likely stay 3-4 days, and we will also stay with them for a week during Thanksgiving.

    This was made a lot easier because my mom will be staying with us for a few weeks after the baby arrives (she is also from out of town) so our guest room will be taken. 

    While I agree with PP's that both sets of grandparents should have equal access to the baby, I definitely think the mom's comfort level trumps everything else when deciding who will stay with you. You will be the one recovering from labor. You will be the one trying to establish breastfeeding (if you decide to do that). My mother will be staying with us because 1) I'm comfortable with her being around during my recovery and 2) I know she will be focusing on cooking/cleaning/etc so DH and I can focus on the baby. 

    In my ideal world, both parents would live close and would be able to stop by often and visit for an hour and then leave. But that's not the world I live in, so this is the best compromise that we could come up with. Good luck establishing some boundaries!
  • ElleMF728 said:
    @BabyRolls How does your husband feel about her coming to stay with you?  I feel it should be more his decision than anything since it's his mother, or at least a decision the two of you should discuss.  My husband would be upset if his mom wasn't allowed to visit.  You may also want the help around the house.  Maybe set some boundaries for her visit?

    This is not specifically for you @BabyRolls, but I agree with @mrsdhouse89, anything offered to your parents should be offered to his as well.  I've seen all of the posts on here about only wanting the mother's parents or mom at the hospital and not the father's, same for visiting shortly after the baby is born.  I couldn't imagine how that would make the father's parents feel!  It's kind of embarrassing.  It's not just the mother's child, but both of yours.  His family should be just as involved.
    Perfectly said!
    When my husband pushes a baby out of his vagina and is passing tennis ball sized blood clots for a week and a half then I will care about "fairness".  After I had DS, I was border PPD, delayed bonding, I had issues breastfeeding and so spent 80% of my time shirtless.  It was messy and embarrassing, I was overwhelmed and broke down crying at random intervals throughout the day.  It isn't selfish that I didn't necessarily want an audience for that. 

    The idea that any woman should put aside what makes her feel most comfortable and supported during what is potentially a very difficult time is ridiculous and unhealthy.  I needed support and understanding, what I didn't need was anyone making demands on my time and attention.  



    All of this. It really upsets me when women try to guilt other women for setting up boundaries and actually taking themselves as individuals into consideration. I understand that everyone can have their own opinion, and I'm sure I won't be able to change it. But there is a certain sad naiveté to people who actually try to impose a universal standard of politeness on something as intimate and individual an experience for a woman as this. I'm all for manners and trying to make people feel loved and appreciated, which is why it can be so upsetting and stressful when people ask for something that just isn't reasonable or is too much for me. Especially when they can't seem to understand that maybe my needs are just different than what theirs would be, and that's OK. I think some people really enjoy the pomp and circumstance of pregnancy and motherhood. They love the big baby shower, the "push presents," and the oooing and awwing and having everyone involved (I'm sensing extroverts:) ). Others just don't and I think to the former, that can be really hard to understand and come off as rude. 

    There should be a certain respect for a woman who has just gone through labor, regardless of how difficult the experience was. Every woman is different, has a different childbearing experience, a different personality, and a different family. Where having people stay or come right away might be exactly what one woman needs, space, or just a mom, might be the need of another. I'm actually quite envious of people who have such awesome relationships with their entire family that they can't fathom needing to instate some tough boundaries. 





Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"