Out of town visitors when baby arrives

BabyRolls · July 2015

So my husbands whole family is from out of town (3 hour drives, plane rides for some). My MIL keeps telling me how she had cleared her calendar for October to come visit. I'm feeling really overwhelmed by everything. I told my husband that nothing can really be set in stone for anyone to come stay with us until she's born and we've come home. I'm a FTM but in my opinion I feel it's important that my husband and I have at least 2 weeks including 2 weekends in there to ourselves so that we can all feel each other out and get into a groove before people come stay the weekend. Am I being too bitchy? I just feel like some space will be needed in the beginning and I probably won't feel great. I think it's hard when people come stay at your house because you feel like you need to entertain and all I want to do is settle into our new life with baby just us 3 for a little bit.

Cupcakesandquilts · July 2015

I'd say you're on point. If guests wanted to come within a few days of the birth, would stay an hour or two at a time but sleep at a hotel (and also help with your dishes, hold baby while you shower, and bring you take-out meals), I think that would be ok. Having overnight guests that early would be a crazy train for everyone.

christina4436 · July 2015

I think it's rude to ask your immediately family to stay in a hotel when they are already spending money and time to visit you. If you really don't want them to come/stay with you, I would just tell them not to or give alternative future dates. Whether they stay in hotel or not they are going to want to be over and around the whole time, I mean that's what they would be coming for. So if you have the urge to say you don't want people staying with you I would also just express the fact that you want the alone family time.

I personally don't agree and wouldn't mind close family visiting and helping out. My hubby and I have our whole lives with our family and they don't live around here anyway. But I would say have the ba!!s to be honest if you don't! And sooner than later as mothers and MIL prob expect to be visiting.

Beccas387 · July 2015

I think you deserve those two week to yourself, your hubby and your new baby! I would let your family know how you feel about having the time at home to your new family. I agree that having overnight guests right out of the hospital would be very stressful. I don't think it is rude to ask them to come two weeks later and if they absolutely onsite on being there those first two weeks asking them to stay in an alternate location.

BabyRolls · July 2015

First off @christina4436 my family would stay with us of course. Second I'm not chit chatting behind their backs. They know I want some time after she is born. I think people coming to help out is great. For myself, the alone time when we arrive home is important. I also think it's difficult for people to set dates to come visit when we are not even sure when she will be arriving.
If I read into your comment too harshly I apologize.

christina4436 · July 2015

Well you asked 'am I being too bitchy' so I guess I could have just said yes and you would be happier?!?

I'm confused what you are posting for then, it seems your only answer is to tell them to come 2+ weeks after. I was just giving my opinion of alternative options. And by the sounds of it your mother in law is not clear what the plans are so again would just make it clear.

LiveNLove44 · July 2015

When my brother and SIL were expecting their first, our family (we'd be the ILs here) was thrilled to be there in whatever capacity would be okay with them. We would have been heartbroken if we were told not to come for a couple weeks, especially my parents. I know you want to offer your home and space, and obviously that is going to be up to you in the end, but I recommend having a conversation with them. If they want to come before the two weeks, ask them if they would be open to staying elsewhere. If they are okay waiting 2 weeks, let them know you'll have a space ready.

My family stayed in a hotel near them for a long weekend, and we only came during the day. We provided meals while we were there and we made sure my SIL had time to do things to heal, too. I think you're being really fair about your feelings, but keep remembering that your ILs are getting a new family member, too!

Try to find a balance and just be really open with the conversation.

kpgoncalves · July 2015

Not rude at all. My husband and I decided it would be best for everyone to have my in laws stay at a hotel after our little girl is born. It is important to us to have time to get used to the changes on our own and even though we appreciate their love and help, we know we have to set our own schedule and routine without them too.
Our big deciding factor was that my in laws are really antsy; they don't like sitting around for too long and get bored easily. We figured if they had their own place to escape to during the day and at night it would allow them the freedom to get up and go and do as they please without worrying about us. Plus they stay up really late and wake up super early which I barely appreciate when they stay with us, now let alone a newborn baby and tired new parents!
When we talked with them about it, we also said that if we found we needed more help we would let them know and they could come stay at our house. They were completely understanding and agreed with everything we said. They even noted that they might not love getting woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby and that a hotel would be best.

JAZsax · July 2015

No, I have the same feelings right now! My brother and sister-in-law are 8 hours away and both my parents and my husbands parents live 2 hours away. So, when they come to visit it will be over night. However, my family is making reservations at one of our resorts in town (we live in a very famous resourt town in MN), so we can have alone time with baby. At first I felt a little guilty when they said this, because I thought that maybe I didn't make them feel welcomed but it when I said this, they responded that you'll thank us later. I am so happy that they're making more of sa vacation out of baby coming. However, my in-laws are expecting us to bring our newborn to come visit them...they haven't come to our house in over two years. I told my husband that he needs to make it clear to them what our plan is, and to mention that my family is staying at one of the resorts, so maybe they will get the hint that we want them to come visit, but we really want some time to ourselves. My mom is also going to be taking two weeks off in November when I go back to work to watch baby, which will be such a blessing and I won't mind having the extra help then. I think that if you convey that you really want them there to meet baby, but that you and your new family want some time to yourselves; that they will be extremely understanding, since they were in the same boat at one point in time. I'm not saying to tell them to get a hotel room, but I think that if you share your feelings that your family will completely understand.

cassielaemmli · July 2015

The only person who will be staying at my house for a few days after the birth will be my mom. She will be extremely helpful with various things that need to be done around the house and just overall helping us to adjust. Anyone else who plans to be in town right away will be staying at a hotel. I don't think that's an unreasonable request, especially since we only have one guest room and we will have a newborn, after all. There is no way I would be comfortable with the thought of a whole bunch of family/in-laws in the house to entertain so soon after giving birth. My husband has assured me that he will be the "gatekeeper" and recognize when I or the baby needs rest and will let that be known to any visitors.

Krysta6 · July 2015

I don't think it's rude! I think you just have to set parameters around what you want. If you want to come in the first two weeks we are going to ask you to stay in a hotel. If you want to schedule a trip later once we've sorted out our routine then we would be happy to host. We have 3 sets of grandparents who I want to be around to meet their first grandchild and we have the space to have 2/3 stay with us. But that would be a nightmare because our families can get loud. We are going to offer the room to my in laws first since they are more financially strapped then my parents. My parents are fine staying in a hotel if needed as they don't want to overwhelm us.

BabyRolls · July 2015

Yeah I've made it clear to my husband to let them know that we can set plans as soon as she's born. I just think someone telling me a weekend they're coming to stay is a little up in the air right now since we don't know when baby will arrive. So I guess it doesn't sound to everyone that I made myself clear to them but I have. My husband works a lot and will be home with me and baby for the first week or two. To me that time is important for it to be just us before he's off and running again and back to his normal schedule.

mrsdhouse89 · July 2015

If his mom is coming from out of town doesn't he want to spend some of this time off he has with her too? I have a great MIL who respects my boundaries as a mother so it's foreign to me to read about these horrible relationships some of you have with your MIL's and I'm not saying you have a horrible relationship with yours but if you want her to stay away for two weeks after her grandchild is born then that says bad relationship in my mind, and isn't entirely fair. Anything we offered to my parents after my son was born was offered to my in laws. Neither needed to stay with us since we all live so close but I did not stop either side from visiting or stopping by to see him when they could. I plan on being the same way with this one. This is her sons child she's going to be just as excited as your mom to meet this baby. I can completely understand putting limits on everyone else but if you aren't making your mom wait two weeks then I'd say you can't do that to your husbands mom without it hurting her feelings or offending her in some way.

BabyRolls · July 2015

We see her all the time. My parents live 2 towns over that's different. I guess I'm just a bad person for wanting my privacy when I come home. And it's anyone coming and staying with us a few nights. Idk I've never done this before. But I know myself and I like my space. I guess everyone has mixed feelings and opinions on this topic.

realmamma · July 2015

Im in the exact same predicament. My mom just told me that shes coming into town october 16 which ten days after my due date and five days after my hubby gets home from a deployment. I have to tell her that I would love her to come but me and my hubby want at least two weeks to ourselves after our daughter gets here so we can get to know her and get on some sort of schedule. My mom is from florida like nine hrs away from where we are. Im just going to tell them to c if they can come in the first week of november and c how that goes. But I would definitely tell ur family a future date though so they can make the plans. Good luck to u

Sballerina · July 2015

@BabyRolls, yes, there are a lot of opinions on this subject. These opinions vary due to personal preference of the expectant parents, personalities/expectations/ability or inability of the visiting family members to abide by reasonable requests/boundaries of the parents, and distance involved to travel. It sounds like that you may, like me, be an introverted person that knows that you recover from exhausting life events by yourself and/or just with your husband. That is completely legitimate. I don't know how easygoing or not your relationship is woth yoir husband's family, but the reality of expecting to need quiet to recover can stand alone. In other words, you are not saying that you "hate" his family by asking to not have any overnight visits at your house until after two weeks.

I think @LiveNLove44 posted some great points. I recommend that you take what you believe to be your needs and then consider the very real enthusiasm your in-laws will gave to meet this new family member. Is it their first grandchild? I totally get how you may feel overwhelmed and needing to entertain. That's a lot to take on when you are sleep-deprived! It sounds to me that before the two week mark you are ok with day visits, but just not overnight visits with them staying in your house, correct? I think the biggest thing in acknowledging their desire to see the baby is to recognize it is reasonable to want to see him/her within the first week. And it seems you do see that, just again don't feel up to hosting. I think that is ok if you communicate grsciously.

One thing that did occur to me is that I know for myself that it might be easier to have the overnight visitors on the first or second weekend after the birth rather than let's say the third one after. The reason for this is that hubby will still be off work after those weekends. If he is tired from the visits he can nap extra. If you have them visit after he has gone back to work, that actually may be more stressful bevause after the weekend visit he will jump right back into the work week, with no time for either of you to rest up. Just a thought.

I don't think it is intrinsically rude to say you are up to visits but given the life change do not think you can have overnight visitors in-house. This goes especially if you know those family members have a track record of being high maintenance and have not shown ability to help when needed. I think how you say it matters a lot more than saying it. Now yes, if the visitor are very financially strapped, then perhaps they would feel it rude to suggest, and you have to navigate that. If, though, your in-laws have shown ability to respect boundaries and be helpful, they might be a blessing at around the one-week mark, even in house.

You still have some time to decide. I think it's reasonable to feel odd about making firm plans until baby is born, unless it is for plane tickets four weeks after your due date (baby should be at least two weeks old by then). My mom wanted to come stay for a month. My husband and I both love her but know it is likely to get too stressful for her to stay longer than a week. So we said she is welcome for a week after the birth. She has not gotten plane tickets yet, but I imagine we will recommend 3-4 weeks after due date, so that we can be sure baby will be here. My hubby's parents live three hours away but fortunately own a condo 40 minutes away, so they can be close when baby comes but also not stay overnight - unless I decide I want her help. I don't anticipate that now but who knows, I could find I desperately need support.

It will all be ok! Whatever you decide, being gracious is communicating is the most important. You need to feel comfortable and prioritize your ability to rest and get used to BFing if you are. But I have to remind myself that tons of people want to love on my baby and as soon as I'm ready it's good to let them do so

I think I forget the joy it will likely give me to have people marvel over my little one.

MamaOwl15 · July 2015

Having people stay with us is kind of a non-issue because we don't have any extra space, but I completely understand not wanting to host overnight visitors the first couple of weeks. Thankfully, my inlaws will be staying in a hotel when DD is born, since they'll also be taking care of DS. As far as I'm concerned, they're welcome to stay as long as they want and drop by to visit, but I know it won't be more than a couple of days - and they're my closest family at 2.5 hours away.

My sisters live about 5 and 10 hours away, respectively, and my parents live 10 hours away in another direction. My parents would be the ones I'd be most worried about trying to come stay the weekend, but honestly, I don't have space.

That aside, I can't imagine being up to hosting visitors during the first couple weeks. Even if they'd "help" with the baby, I know I'd still have to be cooking for them, making sure my house is clean, etc. I feel like November is a better time to plan for visits. That way, you've had some time to adjust. I recall the first two weeks being the roughest after I had DS (and I had a smooth recovery).

I really don't think it's selfish to say "we need a couple of weeks to ourselves to get adjusted, but we'd love to have you come visit after that"

alinic916 · July 2015

@BabyRolls How does your husband feel about her coming to stay with you? I feel it should be more his decision than anything since it's his mother, or at least a decision the two of you should discuss. My husband would be upset if his mom wasn't allowed to visit. You may also want the help around the house. Maybe set some boundaries for her visit?

This is not specifically for you @BabyRolls, but I agree with @mrsdhouse89, anything offered to your parents should be offered to his as well. I've seen all of the posts on here about only wanting the mother's parents or mom at the hospital and not the father's, same for visiting shortly after the baby is born. I couldn't imagine how that would make the father's parents feel! It's kind of embarrassing. It's not just the mother's child, but both of yours. His family should be just as involved.

102215duryee · July 2015

Do what's right for you. If you need time, take it. Only you know what you mentally and physically need to recover. Everyone is different after having a baby. Recovery is different for everyone. Family should understand that. Some people are able to handle more people and even enjoy it, while others can not handle it. Only you will know what category you fall in once it happens.

It is not selfish to make sure you are mentally in a good place first before having people stay with you. I love my family and IL's but I couldn't have them stay with me. With my first it was so hard to have others over. I know they had good intentions and wanted to help, but for me, it made everything worse. We all handle it differently. Do what feels right and it will be OK.

NatalieBrooke2007 · July 2015

The only one who is staying with us immediately is my mom. My husband's parents got tickets to stay with us for 2 weeks but we told them it would be too chaotic to stay at the house and they're fine with staying at a hotel. It's just too much and they respect that.

morganabyrd · July 2015

@BabyRolls Yes, everyone does has various opinions on this topic and yes, you posted and asked for said opinions. Don't get upset over others' viewpoints. Make the best decision for you, and know that if that decision ruffles feathers then you will have to be firm enough in your decision to deal with it.

christina4436 · July 2015

aprosch said:
@BabyRolls How does your husband feel about her coming to stay with you? I feel it should be more his decision than anything since it's his mother, or at least a decision the two of you should discuss. My husband would be upset if his mom wasn't allowed to visit. You may also want the help around the house. Maybe set some boundaries for her visit?

This is not specifically for you @BabyRolls, but I agree with @mrsdhouse89, anything offered to your parents should be offered to his as well. I've seen all of the posts on here about only wanting the mother's parents or mom at the hospital and not the father's, same for visiting shortly after the baby is born. I couldn't imagine how that would make the father's parents feel! It's kind of embarrassing. It's not just the mother's child, but both of yours. His family should be just as involved.

Perfectly said!

Telebell · July 2015

We have the space for overnight guests but for the first week we'll be having a night nurse stay. I love my mom and MIL and both are helpful but I'd much rather reserve the space for someone who's going to take care of all the night wake-ups so I can rest!

crbpjb · July 2015

@BabyRolls I totally understand where you are coming from. It is hard to host guests from out of town. There are a lot expectations when you host people. And the situation with your parents and his parents are completely different because your parents wouldn't be staying with you and can give you space when you need it. I don't think the assumptions about you treating the in-laws differently are fair at all. Also, like you said, you don't and can't know when the baby will come. My sister's in-laws came to visit her third child, and they were there a week before he was. That was a waste! I mean of course they were still happy to see the family, but there was no baby. You're not saying they can't come; you're just asking for a little time. I have a friend who recently had her own mom stay for a week and while she appreciated the extra help, she said she wished she and her husband had more time to bond with baby and embrace their new roles rather than having someone else there 24/7.

jefinley1 · July 2015

I'm getting the impression that the only reason you want two weeks is because you don't want overnight guests, and I don't blame you. I will not be having any overnight guests until I feel comfortable with it. And a woman's mom is totally different than any other family members or grandparents as her reason for being there is to be there to help her daughter. Nothing to do with special privileges to baby. Just because you've had a baby does not mean that your needs as an individual person separate from the infant cease to exist. While this is a wonderful family experience, you will be the one shouldering pretty much all of the negatives, or at least stresses. So ya, your needs actually are different than your husband's (shocking, I know). And they will be until he can demonstrate that next time you decide to have a child together, he's OK with being the one who's pregnant.

I wouldn't say no visitors at all for two weeks and I would try to make it as equal as possible within reason (everyone has "family dynamics," and so it's impossible and crazy to try to judge every situation the same way, but I think you'll regret not at least trying). However, no overnight guests is totally understandable. They can get a hotel. Saying that that is a selfish requirement is beyond ridiculous. If they want the privilege of being there that early that badly, they are grownups, and your parents for God's sake, and can figure it out. You have enough on your plate, and it is OK, and in fact healthy (so kudos, your gut reaction is good) for you to want space for you and your husband to spend time together alone after labor while he has time. He's taking off time to spend with you, his freaking wife, and new child. Not to socialize with out of town family. It's also not the appropriate time for a freaking indefinite open house/ bed and breakfast at the home of the woman who just gave birth.

I love the comment people make of saying "You'll have the rest of your life with just your little family." Because to me, it just adds to the logic of how crazy it is to think that extended family should somehow be the ultimate priority at the expense of you and your husband enjoying such a life changing experience with some semblance of peace. If, for some reason getting a hotel room is just too much to ask, you, your husband and baby will still be there in two weeks. There will be plenty of more appropriate opportunities for extended stay-overs in your baby's lifetime. If people consider you wanting some level of autonomy as an individual who is experiencing this to be bitchy, honey, embrace it. There is some bizarre idea that when you become a wife and mother, your priority should somehow be to make everyone else happy first regardless of your needs or desires, otherwise you're selfish. It's BS. You 're still a person too.

Carmofrap · July 2015

My husband's family is all three hrs away. Vs with my son we were on opposites coasts as them so everyone is excited to see my baby as a newborn but I'm not allowing visitors for probably the first three maybe four weeks. I have my reasons from our last experience. Fortunately they've never once come to visit in the entire year we've lived near them so I imagine they'll just be bugging us to bring the baby up and that's an easy thing to say no to. Lol no one will be staying the night, I really don't care if it makes me a bitch. We are one of the cultures that have no respect for the month after birth and expect women to be perfect hostesses willing to pass their babies around to everybody who can't wait to slobber over it. I refuse to take part in it. Haha. So does my husband. He actually has less sesire for his family to come then I do.

BabyRolls · July 2015

@jefinley1 thank you. And it's not just my MIL. there's a lot of out of town guests who want to come stay with us. I'd just like my space for a little bit. I've wanted a baby for a long time and after a miscarriage I want her all to myself for a little bit.
@aprosch my husband agrees with me on settling in first before we have any out of town visitors stay with us.
And no this is not her first grandchild.

dchiapella · July 2015

My dad and one of my brothers will probably be with us the weekend prior to my EDD (which is a Monday) and stay for a least a few weeks (they live 3,500 miles away). I could not be more relieved. I know that as much as I am going to want him all to myself, I will be in pain and probably a mess, especially with being at such high risk for postpartum. I know I'm going to just want my dad and brother there to know I'm not alone, especially while my husband is on call, and that I will realistically need to just take a shower or get outside the apt to make a coffee run without being terrified that something is going to happen within those brief minutes of being in another room.

That being said, my dad is also VERY soft spoken and supportive and my brother is just excited to be an uncle and will be on his best behavior. If that weren't the case I'd probably be asking them to come out a few days after we get home from the hospital. Keep in mind that if they're supportive, they will be the ones taking the initiative to cook and throw a load of laundry in because they understand what you're going through. My family that's staying with us will not be there to monopolize our baby, they'll be there to see him AND to just be with our family as a whole and help out during a hard transition time. I think a lot of immediate family (esp if they're parents themselves) would live off of McDonalds before expecting you to cook and entertain right after your baby's born.

I don't know your family so I can't really give any advice beyond my personal perspective. Hope it helped a bit.

devonsd315 · July 2015

We went through this with my in-laws (hubby is an only child so just his parents, and yes, this is their first grandchild). They live about 5 hours away but always drive when they visit, so they are flexible on arrival dates. DH gave them the option to come about a week after the baby is born, and stay in a hotel, or come 3-4 weeks after the baby is born and stay with us. They chose the first option, which I'm totally ok with. Since they drive, and have pretty flexible work schedules, they can plan their trip after the baby arrives. They will most likely stay 3-4 days, and we will also stay with them for a week during Thanksgiving.

This was made a lot easier because my mom will be staying with us for a few weeks after the baby arrives (she is also from out of town) so our guest room will be taken.

While I agree with PP's that both sets of grandparents should have equal access to the baby, I definitely think the mom's comfort level trumps everything else when deciding who will stay with you. You will be the one recovering from labor. You will be the one trying to establish breastfeeding (if you decide to do that). My mother will be staying with us because 1) I'm comfortable with her being around during my recovery and 2) I know she will be focusing on cooking/cleaning/etc so DH and I can focus on the baby.

In my ideal world, both parents would live close and would be able to stop by often and visit for an hour and then leave. But that's not the world I live in, so this is the best compromise that we could come up with. Good luck establishing some boundaries!

ElleMF728 · July 2015

christina4436 said:

@BabyRolls How does your husband feel about her coming to stay with you? I feel it should be more his decision than anything since it's his mother, or at least a decision the two of you should discuss. My husband would be upset if his mom wasn't allowed to visit. You may also want the help around the house. Maybe set some boundaries for her visit?

This is not specifically for you @BabyRolls, but I agree with @mrsdhouse89, anything offered to your parents should be offered to his as well. I've seen all of the posts on here about only wanting the mother's parents or mom at the hospital and not the father's, same for visiting shortly after the baby is born. I couldn't imagine how that would make the father's parents feel! It's kind of embarrassing. It's not just the mother's child, but both of yours. His family should be just as involved.
Perfectly said!

When my husband pushes a baby out of his vagina and is passing tennis ball sized blood clots for a week and a half then I will care about "fairness". After I had DS, I was border PPD, delayed bonding, I had issues breastfeeding and so spent 80% of my time shirtless. It was messy and embarrassing, I was overwhelmed and broke down crying at random intervals throughout the day. It isn't selfish that I didn't necessarily want an audience for that.

The idea that any woman should put aside what makes her feel most comfortable and supported during what is potentially a very difficult time is ridiculous and unhealthy. I needed support and understanding, what I didn't need was anyone making demands on my time and attention.

jefinley1 · July 2015

ElleMF728 said:

christina4436 said:

@BabyRolls How does your husband feel about her coming to stay with you? I feel it should be more his decision than anything since it's his mother, or at least a decision the two of you should discuss. My husband would be upset if his mom wasn't allowed to visit. You may also want the help around the house. Maybe set some boundaries for her visit?

This is not specifically for you @BabyRolls, but I agree with @mrsdhouse89, anything offered to your parents should be offered to his as well. I've seen all of the posts on here about only wanting the mother's parents or mom at the hospital and not the father's, same for visiting shortly after the baby is born. I couldn't imagine how that would make the father's parents feel! It's kind of embarrassing. It's not just the mother's child, but both of yours. His family should be just as involved.
Perfectly said!

When my husband pushes a baby out of his vagina and is passing tennis ball sized blood clots for a week and a half then I will care about "fairness". After I had DS, I was border PPD, delayed bonding, I had issues breastfeeding and so spent 80% of my time shirtless. It was messy and embarrassing, I was overwhelmed and broke down crying at random intervals throughout the day. It isn't selfish that I didn't necessarily want an audience for that.

The idea that any woman should put aside what makes her feel most comfortable and supported during what is potentially a very difficult time is ridiculous and unhealthy. I needed support and understanding, what I didn't need was anyone making demands on my time and attention.

All of this. It really upsets me when women try to guilt other women for setting up boundaries and actually taking themselves as individuals into consideration. I understand that everyone can have their own opinion, and I'm sure I won't be able to change it. But there is a certain sad naiveté to people who actually try to impose a universal standard of politeness on something as intimate and individual an experience for a woman as this. I'm all for manners and trying to make people feel loved and appreciated, which is why it can be so upsetting and stressful when people ask for something that just isn't reasonable or is too much for me. Especially when they can't seem to understand that maybe my needs are just different than what theirs would be, and that's OK. I think some people really enjoy the pomp and circumstance of pregnancy and motherhood. They love the big baby shower, the "push presents," and the oooing and awwing and having everyone involved (I'm sensing extroverts:) ). Others just don't and I think to the former, that can be really hard to understand and come off as rude.

There should be a certain respect for a woman who has just gone through labor, regardless of how difficult the experience was. Every woman is different, has a different childbearing experience, a different personality, and a different family. Where having people stay or come right away might be exactly what one woman needs, space, or just a mom, might be the need of another. I'm actually quite envious of people who have such awesome relationships with their entire family that they can't fathom needing to instate some tough boundaries.

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