So my husbands whole family is from out of town (3 hour drives, plane rides for some). My MIL keeps telling me how she had cleared her calendar for October to come visit. I'm feeling really overwhelmed by everything. I told my husband that nothing can really be set in stone for anyone to come stay with us until she's born and we've come home. I'm a FTM but in my opinion I feel it's important that my husband and I have at least 2 weeks including 2 weekends in there to ourselves so that we can all feel each other out and get into a groove before people come stay the weekend. Am I being too bitchy? I just feel like some space will be needed in the beginning and I probably won't feel great. I think it's hard when people come stay at your house because you feel like you need to entertain and all I want to do is settle into our new life with baby just us 3 for a little bit.
Re: Out of town visitors when baby arrives
I personally don't agree and wouldn't mind close family visiting and helping out. My hubby and I have our whole lives with our family and they don't live around here anyway. But I would say have the ba!!s to be honest if you don't! And sooner than later as mothers and MIL prob expect to be visiting.
If I read into your comment too harshly I apologize.
I'm confused what you are posting for then, it seems your only answer is to tell them to come 2+ weeks after. I was just giving my opinion of alternative options. And by the sounds of it your mother in law is not clear what the plans are so again would just make it clear.
Our big deciding factor was that my in laws are really antsy; they don't like sitting around for too long and get bored easily. We figured if they had their own place to escape to during the day and at night it would allow them the freedom to get up and go and do as they please without worrying about us. Plus they stay up really late and wake up super early which I barely appreciate when they stay with us, now let alone a newborn baby and tired new parents!
When we talked with them about it, we also said that if we found we needed more help we would let them know and they could come stay at our house. They were completely understanding and agreed with everything we said. They even noted that they might not love getting woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby and that a hotel would be best.
I think @LiveNLove44 posted some great points. I recommend that you take what you believe to be your needs and then consider the very real enthusiasm your in-laws will gave to meet this new family member. Is it their first grandchild? I totally get how you may feel overwhelmed and needing to entertain. That's a lot to take on when you are sleep-deprived! It sounds to me that before the two week mark you are ok with day visits, but just not overnight visits with them staying in your house, correct? I think the biggest thing in acknowledging their desire to see the baby is to recognize it is reasonable to want to see him/her within the first week. And it seems you do see that, just again don't feel up to hosting. I think that is ok if you communicate grsciously.
One thing that did occur to me is that I know for myself that it might be easier to have the overnight visitors on the first or second weekend after the birth rather than let's say the third one after. The reason for this is that hubby will still be off work after those weekends. If he is tired from the visits he can nap extra. If you have them visit after he has gone back to work, that actually may be more stressful bevause after the weekend visit he will jump right back into the work week, with no time for either of you to rest up. Just a thought.
I don't think it is intrinsically rude to say you are up to visits but given the life change do not think you can have overnight visitors in-house. This goes especially if you know those family members have a track record of being high maintenance and have not shown ability to help when needed. I think how you say it matters a lot more than saying it. Now yes, if the visitor are very financially strapped, then perhaps they would feel it rude to suggest, and you have to navigate that. If, though, your in-laws have shown ability to respect boundaries and be helpful, they might be a blessing at around the one-week mark, even in house.
You still have some time to decide. I think it's reasonable to feel odd about making firm plans until baby is born, unless it is for plane tickets four weeks after your due date (baby should be at least two weeks old by then). My mom wanted to come stay for a month. My husband and I both love her but know it is likely to get too stressful for her to stay longer than a week. So we said she is welcome for a week after the birth. She has not gotten plane tickets yet, but I imagine we will recommend 3-4 weeks after due date, so that we can be sure baby will be here. My hubby's parents live three hours away but fortunately own a condo 40 minutes away, so they can be close when baby comes but also not stay overnight - unless I decide I want her help. I don't anticipate that now but who knows, I could find I desperately need support.
It will all be ok! Whatever you decide, being gracious is communicating is the most important. You need to feel comfortable and prioritize your ability to rest and get used to BFing if you are. But I have to remind myself that tons of people want to love on my baby and as soon as I'm ready it's good to let them do so
My sisters live about 5 and 10 hours away, respectively, and my parents live 10 hours away in another direction. My parents would be the ones I'd be most worried about trying to come stay the weekend, but honestly, I don't have space.
That aside, I can't imagine being up to hosting visitors during the first couple weeks. Even if they'd "help" with the baby, I know I'd still have to be cooking for them, making sure my house is clean, etc. I feel like November is a better time to plan for visits. That way, you've had some time to adjust. I recall the first two weeks being the roughest after I had DS (and I had a smooth recovery).
I really don't think it's selfish to say "we need a couple of weeks to ourselves to get adjusted, but we'd love to have you come visit after that"
It is not selfish to make sure you are mentally in a good place first before having people stay with you. I love my family and IL's but I couldn't have them stay with me. With my first it was so hard to have others over. I know they had good intentions and wanted to help, but for me, it made everything worse. We all handle it differently. Do what feels right and it will be OK.
@aprosch my husband agrees with me on settling in first before we have any out of town visitors stay with us.
And no this is not her first grandchild.