Has anyone asked you this inappropriate question?

MarySMP · July 2015

I'm 13w 2d and everything looks healthy with baby, so my husband and I have started telling people our news. This will be our first, we are both 26, and neither of us has any children from a previous relationship. When I told my sister-in-law (who I'm not particularly fond of) last week, her first response was, "Was it planned?" I was caught a little off-guard but this question, and I just answered, "Yes." Then at work today, a coworker asked the exact same question when I announced the news. Our pregnancy was planned, and we got pregnant within the first two months of trying, but I don't know why people feel the need to ask this question! This is never something I have asked when other friends have announced pregnancies, and I think it's really rude.

Have any of you been asked this question, and do you have any ideas for just-as-rude snarky responses?

hvwitham · July 2015

It's totally rude.

nickicb7 · July 2015

I agree totally rude! We get it all the time, and maybe it's a bit our fault but still. We were determined to wait until NEXT summer to get pregnant, because we just got married in December and we wanted to "enjoy" married life without kids for a bit. So when people inevitably asked when we were going to start we always did not till next year. People did not believe it because I was already 32, they all started betting when I would get pregnant!

Anyway in March we thought we were accidentally pregnant and surprised how excited we were, then completely disappointed when we weren't. That's when we decided we didn't have to wait, and the next month, on our first try we got pregnant.

So yes, now when we tell people they do ask, if we planned it or if it was a surprise. But like I said, I guess it's kind of our own fault.

stlmomof2 · July 2015

It's so rude and really none of her business. What difference does it make if it was planned or not with her brother? Kind makes me feel like a creep if I ever asked my brothers if getting their wives knocked up w

stlmomof2 · July 2015

...was planned. Sorry on my cell phone enjoying a day at the park

HellsAngel22 · July 2015

I don't think it's rude to ask.
Some people that get pregnant don't always plan the pregnancy. My first child was not planned but I was happy anyway. I don't find being asked if it was planned offensive. It's just something people tend to ask when someone is pregnant.

OrangeFox · July 2015

I get asked this all the time. We definitely planned this pregnancy and had been 'trying' off and on for quite some time. But what difference does that make? I wish I had the nerve to answer with something sparky. If anyone comes up with a good response let me know.

mamakate1616 · July 2015

My hub's "best friend"/close friend of mine asked if we "meant to". Set me off and really irritated hubby too. Granted he did not know we had a previous loss but my husband and I have been together for 11 years and have been very deliberate in just about every facet of our lives.... There is nothing wrong with surprise babies but we found the question very inappropriate and rude as well. Hmph X(

SummerOH · July 2015

It is completely rude to ask. It doesn't matter if it's planned or not - it's absolutely none of their business. People don't tend to ask this unless you're younger or unmarried. You aren't SUPER young for a baby (though young for my circle, who are just now having firsts at 32-33), so I'm not sure why they're asking. Regardless, it's rude to ask at all.

I would pause and look taken aback by the question, then ask, "That's an odd qurstion. Why do you ask?" Watch them stammer. That's what they get for being such oafs.

I had DD when I was quite young. People had the nerve to ask, "Oh, do you know the father?" Even people who knew I was a goody two shoes, honors college student who also worked. I would do the pause thing and say, "Wow. That's a bizarre question. Of course I do - we've been in a relationship for 4 years." They would of course stammer out an apology or lame excuse.

People are jerks. Unfortunately, it's gonna get worse as you begin to show.

fragglemom · July 2015

Sometimes it depends on the delivery. If someone tells me they are pregnant and they don't have a giant grin, or otherwise happy outward expression, I sometimes don't know what to say. I usually end up asking some kind of lame form of, "Are you excited?", especially if they hadn't mentioned wanting children. So I guess I could see people asking if it was planned. It's not very tactful, but I can understand it.

nataliep777 · July 2015

Well, ours wasn't planned and I don't mind telling people that at all when they've asked. Then again, I'm a very open person and not easily offended.

steph_pegasus · July 2015

We were in the same situation as you last time. We were asked that all the time, and I found it extremely uncomfortable and rude too.
A PP had a response I would probably use - "that's a weird question. Why do you ask?" And put them in the uncomfortable position instead.

It's just one of many inappropriate questions people are going to be asking you from here on out, sorry to say. Try not to be too defensive, people are always more curious than they are tactful.

jjodom · July 2015

Same as you... We planned ours and it took us 2 months.

I got asked this question from some of my friends and realized it was their way of trying to figure out if you were excited about it or if you were surprised and not sure what you are feeling. My best friend accidentally got pregnant and when she called, she wanted someone to vent to about her feelings and fears. So i get why people ask...but they should only be asking if they are super close with you. If a stranger asked me that question, i would be feel a little offended. I mean... what are they going to say if you are like "Nope, TOTAL accident..."

MarySMP · July 2015

I guess I could always give the equally awkward response, "Nope! But it looks like I'm stuck with it now!"

arose3eb · July 2015

I was on the pill when we got pregnant and halfway through nursing school, so we instead were on the receiving end of these weird comments acknowledging that the pregnancy happened before we were "ready", which I find pretty offensive too. Like it somehow invalidates the pregnancy. I don't know, maybe it's just me getting worked up over it bc of hormones, but whenever I heard it at the beginning, I had to hold in some comments of my own :-\

KaraEpp16 · July 2015

It is very personal. And if you don't know the person well - it definitely seems rude. Planned or not.

It's like asking if you have a healthy sex life - who wants to know that about someone else?!

kaylab3910 · July 2015

Yes, we are 28/29, have been married for over 2 years, and both just finished our Master's degrees. Still our friends respond with "So, was it planned?" Really...

CaraBoonie · July 2015

That's super rude!

We haven't gotten that question, but only because I was annoyingly vocal about my plans and everybody who knows me knows I wanted to get pregnant by the end of this summer to give birth right after grad school graduation. Some have made comments that they're happy it worked first try, but that's about it.

Leah6120 · July 2015

It happens if you've been through infertility too.. what you get is "was it natural or artificially conceived?" Um.. I believe doggy style did the trick. Thanks. Bye. Lol

DaphneMoon1 · July 2015

Yes, I've been asked both with this and my first. I find it really odd. I also hate the "are you excited?" Question. What if the answer was no?

I think the reason I find it sort of offensive is it took me 7-8 months with #1 and 5 months including a miscarriage with #2. I really desperately wanted these babies.

I also feel like the person ask is saying they don't think I'm ready or shouldn't have been trying. I was 28 yo with DS and I'll be 31 with this LO. I have a great husband, job, house. Why wouldn't it have been planned?

mommap2 · July 2015

When I was expecting our first, we were due the week of the craziest, work all year long program I do for my job. So when my volunteers and youth members started to find out I was pregnant and due that week. People started saying, "You planned this didn't you? You just want to miss fair week!" (they were all joking but still it was a strange thing to say) So I would answer back by saying "Yes, we got out the breeding calendar and I told my husband, this is it! We have to do it now!" They would give me an uncomfortable laugh and walk away. Meanwhile my secretary would dye laughing...every time! It's totally a rude comment but people say some pretty rude things these days. When we announce this time I think people will say, "Oh it's about time!" which is kind of hurtful since we had a loss last November.

babybluu · July 2015

Luckily I haven't been asked, which is super weird because dh and I are in our early 20s, however we have been married for over 2 years. I figured some people would ask. Instead I get the "are you excited?!" Thing. It's super annoying because I've never been one to show too much outward excitement, so when I say "yeah" in my normal voice they think I'm lying or something. They really have no idea how much I'm exploding inside from excitement. And like a PP said, what if I wasn't excited? Then I would feel guilty.

somewhereinafrica · July 2015

I have been dealing with some crazy questions!

I am adopting and I'm pregnant. Unusual, yes but warranting the level of plain insane questions I have been asked, absolutely not.

We have had

Was the pregnancy planned?

Absolutely! We wanted BOTH children.

Are you sure your ready for that or are your sure you can do that? Or my worst - don't you think it will be too much?

I mean what do they expect me to say no I'm not ready!
Or shit your right thanks for telling me what I think damnit your right way too much what have I spent the last year thinking and planning about. In reality they are passive aggressively telling me what they think!

Are you canceling the adoption now?

(That was the polite version my cousin said - so you don't still want the other one do you. Over Facebook I cried my eyes out reading that.)

Do you think you were in infertile? Did you fall pregnant naturally?

My fertility and my adoptions have nothing to do with one another!!!!

I have been horrified at some of the things people say! I have concluded that some people just don't think through what they are saying and it's almost like some how it became ok to wonder things out loud!!!

I LOVE the suggestion to say ' that's a starnge question! ' honestly it might be what people need to hear to consider what they are actually saying. I tend to feel people are more ignorant or plain don't think than being rude or malicious but I admit it stings when people saying things that almost imply something but with a question!

somewhereinafrica · July 2015

There is a major auto correct typo but it won't let me edit it!

Monilee1017 · July 2015

I understand when I told family someone asked, "was this in your timeline?" The nicer way of asking if it was planned. First yes it was I told some family (her inlaws) when we started trying, second this is my third child and third what business is it of yours?

srima · July 2015

Yep, I get asked all the time... and have thought of lying before especially to coworkers.... Ours was planned and I thought my work would be mad because I have only been here for a year... I really HATE that question.

kmoney2 · July 2015

Agreed! I hate that questions, Also I'm about to start my masters and I get a lot of "oh so you aren't going to school now?" Ugh yes I planned to get pregnant and yes I'm still finishing my next degree, now shut up! Lol

Nfleszar · July 2015

Snarky remark 1 - well we had alot of unprotected sex knowing it makes babies...so...

Snarky remark 2 - we both are reasonably intelligent and passed health class...so yes.

Snarky remark 3 - yeah - i asked your brother to bend me every which way to sunday till we got it right.

Snarky remark 4 - no. in fact we actually planned to just adopt a kitten...but i mean this is happening now so...

I'm sure I can think of more. Snarky is my forte.

kayyyy13 · July 2015

We get that constantly. I am 26 and my SO is 34 and we are not married and our year anniversary will be in sept this year. We had been dating 5 months when we decided we wanted to TTC and got our BFP 3 months later! Seriously happened so much faster than we thought since my doc told us it could take up to a year to conceive since I had been on the pill for so long. But in short we get it all the time.

Was it planned?

Are you getting married?

Are you sure he is the father? (Pissed me off soooooo bad.)

Are you sure you can handle it?

You realize you cant drink, right? (No shit.)

Are you mature enough to be a mother?

And the stupid, insulting questions continue.

peppercorn16 · July 2015

I don't necessarily think it's rude but I definitely don't understand why everyone feels the need to ask this. Like others have said, what difference does it make? Are you going to give condolences if i say it was unplanned? Lol. We've had a couple people ask and it's always weird in my opinion!

Nfleszar · July 2015

So in regards to "are you getting married" - "50% or more of marriages end in divorce - so tell me how does us getting married increase our chances of being co-parents or a family long term".

"are you sure you can handle it" - "i can't even handle your stupid questions. i guess i'll have to work on it, huh"

MarySMP · July 2015

I've also been asked, "Do you know what you're having?" Um, yes. A baby.

Love4littlethings24 · July 2015

Mine was unplanned which took us a few days to process but we were excited about it after the initial shock wore off, one unprotected camping weekend and a plan B obviously he really wanted to be here. Obviously MIL is probably Sharing the news it was unplanned but I'm sure at the shower someone will ask the question. My response will probably be SO just has such a nice peen and well, while he works a lot and when he comes home we're excited to see each other, man I guess others don't have the sex life we do but ya know...maybe something along those lines to make them feel awkward and my job is done.

SummerOH · July 2015

Nfleszar said:
So in regards to "are you getting married" - "50% or more of marriages end in divorce - so tell me how does us getting married increase our chances of being co-parents or a family long term".

"are you sure you can handle it" - "i can't even handle your stupid questions. i guess i'll have to work on it, huh"

The 50% stat is a little misleading. It includes second, third, etc divorces. Statistically, if you divorce once and remarry, your chances of another divorce are much higher. For first time marriages, the divorce rate is around 30%.

Not that being married makes you better parents. To the contrary, I've seen some pretty miserable marriages that stayed together for the kids and now the kids are screwed up adults. And honestly, we probably shouldn't have gotten married from a purely financial standpoint. I pay more in insurance (not just an extra dependent, but an actual marriage surcharge) and we are victims of the lovely marriage tax penalty. Anyway, just chiming in on the stat!

leap_frog · July 2015

This is our 4th. I can't believe how many people will just come out and ask. It's so rude. My husband has started telling people who ask he wants 6. That usually shuts them up.
Planned or not, the end result is still the same. A baby.

aphilli8 · July 2015

That question just makes me feel so awkward. Especially when family members ask it. Don't want to talk about my axe life grandma. Just stop.

I'm pregnant with twins so l get "are they natural" almost every time. Just as awkward.

nechd1313 · July 2015

My response has been "that's personal" with a sweet smile

you get all sorts of reactions

mg137 · July 2015

I've been asked a lot but we have 15 month old twins.

I still think it's weird and rude to ask. Not to wonder, but to ask. Unless it's family or a close friend. I've had strangers ask.

willashbaby · July 2015

It's such a ridiculous question. I feel like most people who know I'm pregnant aren't rude enough to ask but at the same time I have been asked a few times, I've said "well I've been married for 7 years and nothing before so what do you think?" That has shut them up pretty good.

mamaksweez · July 2015

I think it's so rude, but get used to it because the questions get way worse!
When you are like 8+ months people (like acquaintances) start asking things like, "are you dilated yet?" Excuse me, I don't ask you about your vagina! Then after I gave birth someone actually asked me, "how are you caring for your stitches?" WHAT!! One I never said I had stitches, (although basically everyone gets them, so it's kind of safe to assume I do.) two, quit asking me about my vagina!!!

daninikicoli · July 2015

I've been asked this... 30, happily married, we already have a 2 year old... So what is the point here if it was or wasn't?

I don't think people realize how rude it is. So I take no offense... But it's very hard to offend me.

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