January 2016 Moms
andreachristine81
member
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Frustrated and sad :(.
andreachristine81
member
First of all on a happy and positive note, I am so excited about my baby. I can't believe that I only have six months to go... The first three months have completely flown by!
On a very sad and heartbreaking note, I don't know what to do about my mother. Let me preface this by saying that I am in my early thirties, educated and have a great career. I am so lucky to have amazing friends and ONE parent who is very supportive and also shares my excitement about this pregnancy. This is will be my first child and my parents first (and likely only) grandchild. I am an only child.
I am NOT married and my boyfriend and I haven't been together for long at all. The relationship between my boyfriend and I is not perfect, but I am trying to make thins work for the sake of the baby. However, if it doesn't work I am more than capable of being a single mother. This pregnancy was not planned, however it is most certainly NOT unwelcomed, at least by me anyways.
My parents have been married for 39 years... My Dad is excited about this baby... My mom, well she couldn't be more distant and uninterested. In fact I am pretty sure she is downright pissed off and is mainly concerned about how "this baby is going to effect HER life". A few weeks ago she accused me of "doing this on purpose" and told me that she was "questioning my judgement". I absolutely did not set out to get pregnant and to be honest, after trying for a solid year in a previous relationship and being unsuccessful, I was 100 percent convinced that I was unable to conceive. So when I found out that I was pregnant I was totally shocked.
The fact that I am NOT married and pregnant is a HUGE problem with my mother. She won't come out and say it, but I know that it is. She is far more concerned about what her friends at the country club are going to think, how this is going to effect her carefree, "globe-trotting", luxurious lifestyle, etc. She never asks me how I am doing, doesn't respond to emails/texts with ultrasound pictures and even ignored the video I sent her of the baby's heartbeat!! I have refused to speak with her after 5 pm because that's when she starts drinking and then she really gets mean. Every night, without fail.
I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and be sympathetic to the fact that this is an adjustment for everyone. However, it is so upsetting to me that she shares no joy in my pregnancy. And on top of that has been overly opinionated and just so, so hurtful. In top of that, when I told her that I told to of my childhood friends (who are the daughter of one of her best friends) she got mad at me and asked me "why I did THAT"! I just don't know how to deal with her or her misery. She is truly making this time in my life extremely difficult emotionally for me when I should be really happy. I love kids, grew up baby-sitting, teaching dance, nannying and being the best "auntie" to my best friends children. I know that I will be a good mother (I am not suggesting that it is going to be easy by any stretch), I just never imagined that my own mother would ever act this way towards me in a million years!
Sorry for ranting... This isn't me just being pregnant and overly sensitive and emotional... I have already considered that... My feelings are so hurt and I don't know how to deal with her pessimism, negativity and mean spirit
.
On a very sad and heartbreaking note, I don't know what to do about my mother. Let me preface this by saying that I am in my early thirties, educated and have a great career. I am so lucky to have amazing friends and ONE parent who is very supportive and also shares my excitement about this pregnancy. This is will be my first child and my parents first (and likely only) grandchild. I am an only child.
I am NOT married and my boyfriend and I haven't been together for long at all. The relationship between my boyfriend and I is not perfect, but I am trying to make thins work for the sake of the baby. However, if it doesn't work I am more than capable of being a single mother. This pregnancy was not planned, however it is most certainly NOT unwelcomed, at least by me anyways.
My parents have been married for 39 years... My Dad is excited about this baby... My mom, well she couldn't be more distant and uninterested. In fact I am pretty sure she is downright pissed off and is mainly concerned about how "this baby is going to effect HER life". A few weeks ago she accused me of "doing this on purpose" and told me that she was "questioning my judgement". I absolutely did not set out to get pregnant and to be honest, after trying for a solid year in a previous relationship and being unsuccessful, I was 100 percent convinced that I was unable to conceive. So when I found out that I was pregnant I was totally shocked.
The fact that I am NOT married and pregnant is a HUGE problem with my mother. She won't come out and say it, but I know that it is. She is far more concerned about what her friends at the country club are going to think, how this is going to effect her carefree, "globe-trotting", luxurious lifestyle, etc. She never asks me how I am doing, doesn't respond to emails/texts with ultrasound pictures and even ignored the video I sent her of the baby's heartbeat!! I have refused to speak with her after 5 pm because that's when she starts drinking and then she really gets mean. Every night, without fail.
I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and be sympathetic to the fact that this is an adjustment for everyone. However, it is so upsetting to me that she shares no joy in my pregnancy. And on top of that has been overly opinionated and just so, so hurtful. In top of that, when I told her that I told to of my childhood friends (who are the daughter of one of her best friends) she got mad at me and asked me "why I did THAT"! I just don't know how to deal with her or her misery. She is truly making this time in my life extremely difficult emotionally for me when I should be really happy. I love kids, grew up baby-sitting, teaching dance, nannying and being the best "auntie" to my best friends children. I know that I will be a good mother (I am not suggesting that it is going to be easy by any stretch), I just never imagined that my own mother would ever act this way towards me in a million years!
Sorry for ranting... This isn't me just being pregnant and overly sensitive and emotional... I have already considered that... My feelings are so hurt and I don't know how to deal with her pessimism, negativity and mean spirit
.
Re: Frustrated and sad :(.
I would set very clear expectations. Make it clear her life can change in whatever capacity she chooses. Ask her when she worries about how it will impact her life- How much involvement are you hoping to have with the baby? And tell her you don't need to take that on if she starts feeling that your going to burden her. Some mums are excited others aren't, but please don't let her rain in your pregnancy and what is clearly a happy time for you, shouldn't be ruined by anyone!!
Only reading what you wrote she sounds like she has some narsassitic traits and that she isn't a support person in your life. It's hard sometimes to stop wanting people to be something they are not, but I think for the pregnancy you need to get very clear who your support people are and who they are not. Give up on the stress of trying to get people in board who aren't. She will possibly come round once baby is here.
It's different but I have a friend which thought would be so supportive and have hardly heard from her and others that have stepped right up.
My mum also can be a little over bearing. I tell her so straight now, it's for me and the babies sake for us to be happy and supported, my tolerance for the petty and annoying unnecessary stuff is gone. So if she is needing my reassurance or getting all panicky I say to her to look elsewhere for support because at the moment I can't be your lady! I'm dealing with me. It may sound harsh but it has been amazingly effective in that people so far have really respected the honestly.
I wish you luck with working things through with your mum! Remember how important you are especially at the moment as baby is feeling everything with you. If your dads the support guy go to him. If your mum is disinterested try making light of it .. Tell she can be the cool jet set granny.... Laugh that she did her nappy (diaper) duties and she can be exempt from all baby changing.
Most important is that you keep happy!
I was married for 3 years and divorced because I felt like the relationship was terrible and I got married when I was 19. 6 weeks later I was pregnant but a guy I obviously barely knew, we met because I needed furniture since leaving my ex. My mom was furious and even went as far to tell me I dont deserve a baby. Fast forward, DS is now almost 4 and my mom loves him dearly, she doesn't come around a lot that's just not the kind of relationship we have but she is helpful if I need her. A lot can change in the time of your pregnancy both in your relationship and with your mom, me and DS dad did not stay together and I am now happily re-married with baby otw. Good luck to you and keep your head up!
Your mom sounds like a stuck-up, shallow witch. Sorry. But anyone who values her friends' petty opinions over her daughter and grandchild is a pretty terrible person. I would limit your contact with her. Your baby is a beautiful gift and if she can't see that, she doesn't need to be around. I'm sorry. My mom is kind of nuts, too (once told me that my horribly traumatic miscarriage was good because that way my sister didn't have to share her pregnancy limelight with me), so I completely understand. Deep breaths, mama.
DD 12/20/99, DS 12/14/12, M/C 9/2014, M/C 1/2015
It sounds like you have your shit together, so hopefully she will come around when she realizes her lifestyle won't be impacted and that you're going to do what you want regardless of her emotional hostage. You arent asking anything of her her (right?), so you also don't need her.
If she wants to be selfish, let her be... but don't let her impact you! Stop sharing your good news until she's able to enjoy it with you. Until then, you're just giving her more ammunition to use against your emotions.
Sit down with your mother, and explain that you realize that this isn't the best situation. Yes, it would have been easier/"better" if you had been in the relationship longer, maybe married. Yes, it's probably not the best timing. Yes, you realize that your getting pregnant changes things for everyone in your life (like her) and not just yourself.
THEN SAY:
You wouldn't trade this kid for the entire world.
This is quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to you, regardless of the circumstances.
You realize that it didn't happen the way that she wanted it to happen, but if she doesn't stop giving you crap about it, you WILL cut her out of the baby's life because s/he doesn't deserve that.
You WILL cut her out of your own life if she doesn't get her act together and start supporting you, because being a new mom is hard enough without your own mother harping on you and treating you like you're an embarrassment.
I realize that some things may not apply to your situation or whatever, but I found with my own mother on baby #1 that by conceding that my situation wasn't perfect kind of helped her to ease up and realize that yes, I did know what a huge responsibility I was undertaking and yes, I was even kind of scared! And it helped her to know that I understood the gravity f the situation and that I needed helpful people in my life, not people like her making it harder on me.
I feel like sometimes when moms don't think we're taking something seriously enough they try to scare us or treat us poorly to get us to "appreciate" our situation, or appreciate them. Sometimes just letting them know that you don't have your head in the clouds and you don't think that everything is rainbows and butterflies and you do understand real life helps them to chill and enjoy the ride.
Again, I'm sure I'll catch crap for this, but this is what worked for my mom, and what I'd want to see from my own daughter in the same situation.
It's really difficult for someone we love to have a different reaction than we hoped for. So based on my experience, I did sit down and have that conversation with her that someone else wisely suggested. Except it was different for me in that we planned this. But my grandmother hasn't changed her mind. She doesn't feel any differently. And frankly, she probably never will. But: that's her problem. It was cathartic to get it out for me, and I've since been able to let go of her disapproval. There are plenty of people in my life excited for me, so those are the ones I lean on.
It's not an easy or comfortable situation but it can get easier. Rely on the support you do have, and send the pictures and videos to the people who appreciate them. It saves my over thinking hormonal mind from being too critical of myself and my choices and allows me to enjoy my pregnancy as much as I can. Good luck!!