Maintaining a Strong Marriage

tarheelgirl8 · July 2015

Hi ladies. I'm interested in hearing tips and suggestions from STMs for maintaining a strong marriage post-birth. DH and I are very excited about our new bundle of joy, but we're also not naive. We're going to be sleep deprived, overwhelmed at times, and absolutely everything about our day to day life is about to change. How did your marriage change after the baby? What tips do you have for making sure you don't completely lose the relationship between the two of you? I've watched several friend's marriages fall apart because their focus went 100% to the baby, and they neglected their relationship as husband and wife.

Edited for spelling because pregnancy brain. Words are hard these days....

lifeisapeach · July 2015

We took a bringing baby home class at the hospital with our first and it was awesome. It focused on how we can help eachother, how doing things different doesn't mean they're wrong and most importantly before there was baby there was you two! First came us and we really like eachother... This helps me when we are both tired and cranky to remember that we are frustrated with the situation and not eachother. You both are learning to navigate being parents and doing that together will only make you closer. Also, once you get the hang of the things and are feeling rested make sure to take time for one another. We do this silly thing called "3 good things" he learned at a training. Each night you share with the other 3 great thigs from your day. It helps focus on the good things when the day might feel crappy overall.

hclzmm14 · July 2015

Make time for yourself, and make time for each other. Even if it's just an hour before bedtime where you guys have a beer and talk to each other or watch your favorite TV show. Also, acknowledge your spouse's effort. Make sure he knows you appreciate him changing poopy diapers after he has been at work over 9 hours, or that hour he gives you to take a shower and just relax when he gets home. Acknowledgement is pretty much the opposite of taking someone for granted. You're partners now in the biggest challenge of your life together, so try to remember that.

amylianne · July 2015

It can be really, really hard not to correct DH, so I had to take the "just because they do it differently, doesn't mean it's wrong" to heart. Seriously, if it's not going to hurt your baby, let them find their own way unless they ask for help. It also took us a long time to go on a date, but the important thing is to do it (eventually). I'd say the other tip I had to remind myself of is to go and sit/cuddle with DH occasionally. DS is still always in my arms/lap/something and it's easy to get my cuddle fill that way, and I was so tired by the time he went to bed that I'd pass out, but DH feels neglected then. Remember to hug and kiss!

I've found that if you have a strong foundation your baby can bring you closer. They change so fast there are constant WOW moments, every stage is amazing, and you did this together!!

lifeisapeach · July 2015

Sorry for all the edits above. I was having trouble getting my whole answer posted.

CaliforniaDream87 · July 2015

Tough one because realistically speaking your relationship is affected in a major way. I don't think anyone can tell you that their relationship stayed the same after a baby. No one. The first year took a toll on our marriage. We were married 5 years before even thinking about kids because we wanted to just enjoy...us. I'm so glad we did that.

Anyway, I would suggest a lot of communication. When you feel like something is "off" say something. Make sure when you're approaching an issue you start with "this is how I feel" vs. "this is what you're not doing". For us, we were comfortable leaving baby for a couple hours by month 3 with my mom. This helped us tremendously because we were able to have a quick date night. Nothing fancy but this helped us remember that if our relationship is healthy we could parent better. If it weren't for getting out at least once a week without baby I don't know how things would've ended up. Seriously. There was just no time for us with a newborn.

Sorry this was a novel. I just wished someone shared with me how tough and challenging it would be on my relationship but also how to combat the change-it really doesn't have to tear you two apart. It's much easier now though. I think the hardest part was the transition into parenthood. For me, it will be tough again because we will have 2 under 2 which is an entirely different world!

tarheelgirl8 · July 2015

amylianne said:

It can be really, really hard not to correct DH, so I had to take the "just because they do it differently, doesn't mean it's wrong" to heart. Seriously, if it's not going to hurt your baby, let them find their own way unless they ask for help.

Thanks for your advice! This is going to be really important for me to remember. Especially since I've spent more time around babies than DH. I definitely don't want him to feel like he's not capable of taking care of our daughter because I'm always stepping in saying "no, like this..."

Miz_Liz · July 2015

Share in the moments together. I don't mean wake your husband up for a midnight feeding if he has to work the next day while you are on maternity leave, but take time to share the other moments. Laugh together, coo over your baby's cuteness and the little things. Be partners in this experience. Until you are comfortable leaving the baby with someone for a date night, have date nights at home - pick up a movie and some take out, plan a game night. Write him a card randomly just telling him how much you love him and what an awesome father he is and how much you love watching him with your little one. Give each other massages. Communicate, communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more. Take a shower together if that's your thing. Go for walks with the baby together. Remind each other how awesome you are doing as new parents and laugh at your "failures" after they are over. If he goes back to work and you are on maternity leave, drive to see him on his lunch break so he can have some baby cuddle time. Send him texts and baby updates so he doesn't feel like he is missing out. Just be together and remember when things are hard and you are tired/cranky that you are BOTH tired/cranky and verbalize that it isn't about each other and that it will get better. If you both want things to work out, they will. You get out what you put into it. It is NOT easy and it is definitely a game changer, but at the end of the night once they have gone to bed and the craziness has settled and you can finally sit down for 5 minutes, you will catch a glimpse of a little sock or a little outfit, or a toy and you will just smile at how friggin amazing being a parent truly is and you will remember that despite how hard it is, even on the worst of the worst days, you wouldn't want to change it for the world. Share that together.

sandrabrooke · July 2015

One thing I'm doing is talking to my husband about expectations/plans ahead of time. I have a friend that assumed their spouse would go to work, then come home and watch the baby ALLLLL night. The one that is working now is struggling at work, because he always gets up for the SAHM.

So my husband and I understand that we just have to talk and always keep in other in the loop with how we are feeling.

tarheelgirl8 · July 2015

@Miz_Liz, you are always so full of fabulous advice. Thank you! Also, you made me cry.

Miz_Liz · July 2015

tarheelgirl8 said:

@Miz_Liz, you are always so full of fabulous advice. Thank you! Also, you made me cry.

Aww thanks

that is so nice of you to say, I am sure not everyone always agrees

Thj417 · July 2015

Communicate. Express needs, wants, feelings, desires. Come together at the end of the day. Don't go to sleep upset. Share responsibilities. Don't blame or expect perfection from each other. Have patience. Let each other take care of baby in your own way. DH can handle it just the same as DW; even if it's not the "same way" the job is still getting done. Take time for yourself, separate from each other and separate from baby. Remember there is no I in Team.

mrsb30 · July 2015

I appreciate all of the advice and wisdom! We just celebrated our first anniversary, so it does make me nervous about how our relationship will change. Ideally I would have loved to be married for a few years before kids, but with me being 32 and DH 45, it was just more realistic for us to start our family right away.

CaliforniaDream87 · July 2015

amylianne said:
It can be really, really hard not to correct DH, so I had to take the "just because they do it differently, doesn't mean it's wrong" to heart. Seriously, if it's not going to hurt your baby, let them find their own way unless they ask for help.

This is great to remember even for us BTDT moms!!!

Nickisiebert · July 2015

A big part of keeping things good between my husband and I was agreeing in advance to forgive each other our grouchy moments, meltdowns, and mistakes that we were sure we were going to make, and forgive QUICKLY. We agreed to be extra forgiving during this transition time, and let more things go, and we kept our promise. The other big thing we stuck to, was we keep a standing Friday night date. Even if all it means is setting aside time to talk and watch a movie together that night, we kept it (aside from major events obviously), and it kept us from letting too much time go by without quality time. We rarely actually went out and and left DS1/DS2 with a sitter, but we always got reasonably cleaned up for each other and spent a few hours of quality time together. In the begining it was frequently interrupted with feedings and diaper changes, but once the boys were sleeping more regularly it became something really great for us!

ssmith2006 · July 2015

This is really a great post! Thank you to all of you leaving advice. My husband and I had a separation only a year ago and it terrifies me that the stress of a baby in the home will cause something to happen again. It seems communication, making time and being patient are key.

breezymeema7 · July 2015

It takes work, on both parts. Some days are easy, some days are a wreck. Take it all with a grain of salt and make an effort to be thankful for the little things. Remember that you were partners first before you became parents.

thesportsgal · July 2015

breezymeema7 said:
It takes work, on both parts. Some days are easy, some days are a wreck. Take it all with a grain of salt and make an effort to be thankful for the little things. Remember that you were partners first before you became parents.

This. And don't keep score! You're in it together, tit for tat won't do you any good, especially in the long run. And don't forget the hard moment you're in WILL pass. I used to hear it al the time and never believed it - turns out, it's true

emmacake08 · July 2015

Amazing advice in this post. Lots of it I feel like I would have wrote.

The only additional thing I'll add is that there have been critical moments in times of high stress that I can tell DH needs a break. Pretty much 100% of those times I need a break too but letting DH get out and acknowledge what he needs, goes a long way. My DH never really thinks of himself and is so helpful that I have to encourage him it's okay to do things for himself.

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