Not inviting mother in law to hospital

stephybee23 · July 2015

I am 37 weeks and this is my first baby. I am currently having issues with trying to explain to my husband I do not want his mother to be at the hospital after the birth. To be honest I don't really like her that much and she is the most invasive and smothering woman you could ever meet. I have explained to him that it's not just her it's anyone, I just don't want to be social after birth and especially with someone who makes me angry . I know it's his mother but to me i genuinely feel like at the end Of the day he needs to respect what I want not what his mother wants. He didn't take the request very well and is now upset with me over it, however I honestly feel like I've made the right decision because I do just want one on one time with my baby. Does anyone else feel this is perfectly fine or am I being harsh?

Disneygeek77 · July 2015

No, you are not harsh at all. You will either be recovering from major abdominal surgery or the most uncomfortable experience of your life. It's ok to ask for one day to gather yourself until you feel better.

If your husband is upset, just shrug it off. He's allowed to be disappointed his mom won't be there, that's ok; but don't let him manipulate you into doing something you would regret at this important time. Send him the clear message, " I'm not going to change my mind even if you are mad at me. I know I am making the right decision."

Who knows, maybe when he realizes throwing a hissy fit won't get him what he wants, he might stop.

abmommy15 · July 2015

I think if your reasoning is that you want one on one time and therefore aren't going to have anyone at the hospital then you are being reasonable. On the other hand if you are going to allow some people to visit in the hospital then I think it's only fair to include your MIL in the invite as well. She is after all a grandparent and your DH should get some say in the hospital invite list if there will be one.

JNOVA2015 · July 2015

In my opinion, this is a bit over the top. It's not like she wants to be there during labor. There is really no reason she shouldn't be able to visit you for a short visit after the baby is born. She could even come while you're resting and just see DH and the baby if you're not up for visitors.

I think it's fine to lay down the law about who you want there during labor, but telling a grandmother she can't see her grandchild is pretty harsh.

Disneygeek77 · July 2015

Come on guys, one day; give the mom one day to recover and feel better. That's not that much to ask for either.

oneblessedmess · July 2015

Disneygeek77 said:
Come on guys, one day; give the mom one day to recover and feel better. That's not that much to ask for either.

I don't see anything in the OP about just one day. She doesn't want the MIL to visit at the hospital at all.

I can see both sides. My husband would think I was nuts if I said his mom absolutely could not meet our baby until several days after she was born. I would feel the same if someone said my mother shouldn't or couldn't visit in the hospital. But, that's just how our families are. (And also, his mother is totally cool and doesn't overstep at all so it's not the same situation).

I agree with PP- If you aren't allowing ANYONE to be at the hospital and you just want that time to be bonding time for you, hubby, and baby, that's not unreasonable and you should stand your ground. However if you ARE letting other people visit, even if it's just your own immediate family, and only banning MIL then I do think that's unfair (but it doesn't sound like that's the case).

Kayciejoe56 · July 2015

Seems a little unreasonable. It's his mom and babies grandma. I'm sure he wants to share this experience with her. I think whenever you decide to allow visitors grandmas should be of the first allowed. I just don't understand the attitude (not just yours, I read this a lot) of not wanting to share baby. Extended family are going to be some of the most important people to LO, I can't wait to watch that bond grow, just as much as our bond with him!

KateLouise · July 2015

It depends on what you mean by," I don't want her at the hospital after the birth."

a) does this rule apply to her only, or to everyone? If other people are invited to meet baby then MIL/Grandma's need to be included on that invite list, no matter how annoying she is.

b) Do you mean after the birth as in the hours immediately after the birth? Then yeah that's completely fair. If you mean after the birth, as in you anticipate being in the hospital for several days and do not want her at the hospital at all. then that seems pretty rough, even if you are applying the rule to other family and friends.

Yes you are the patient, and yes your recovery is most important, but your DH wants to show off his new baby to his Mom which is completely valid, so I think there needs to be some kind of balance, but it's hard to know if you're being completely unreasonable without a few extra details as to your meaning.

stephybee23 · July 2015

Yes exactly I am not having anyone here to visit, I am from Canada and he's Australian, so we live in Australia right now in a tiny town. My family will not be here at all and I've already told friends of mine I'd contact them to visit during the week when we get home. The issue with his mother is she hasn't asked to be there, she's insisted she's coming and that she's getting as much time in as she wants. I don't find that fair, it's not her baby. Also the hospital we are having the baby at is tiny, two birthing suites so your baby is with you in the room the two days your admitted in . I understand if I was there for a week then okay come visit but two days won't kill her.

KateLouise · July 2015

In my opinion the fact that your family is far away isn't your husband's fault, and is irrelevant to this situation.

I think the compromise situation is that you get a day to recover and bond, and that on day two (assuming you have a straight forward recovery) MIL gets to visit baby/DH gets to show off his new daughter or son. However this should be done on the understanding that you guys will invite MIL up when you are ready, and that DH is in charge of seeing that MIL doesn't hang out for hours on end.

No one wants to have to entertain guests or fight to hold their own baby when they are learning to breastfeed and are still in discomfort. So I would focus on making DH understand that balance and on putting him in charge of looking after what you need if MIL overstays her welcome.

NurseRieger · July 2015

There is a bigger issue going on here. If your MIL is a really pushy and intrusive person you and your husband need to find a way to handle that before your life becomes miserable. A MIL can ruin a marriage and ruin happy events. You need to ask yourself is she just pushy out of being loving and over the top or is she a controlling monster in law? If the answer is she's a good person just drives me nuts then you shouldn't have a problem setting your limits while including her. If she is the more controlling nasty type that's a much bigger problem. The bigger issue is how your husband handles his mother. He needs to support you and be able to stand up to his mother when needed.

TacoSarah · July 2015

If you're in for 2 days, then I'd let her come for an hour or so on the 2nd day. I think you are going to create more issues and resentment in the long run by not allowing her to visit.

If I was you, I'd say to DH that you have thought about it and understand how important it is for both him and grandma to visit the baby and of course she is welcome, but it needs to be on the 2nd day and not all day, could he make that happen. He's more likely to support you with that decision.

sokomo · July 2015

Some people don't understand boundaries. I agree with what PPs have said about handling this situation in a more permanent way - by asking your husband to talk to his mother about her invasive behavior in general. That said, I do not think that your post-birth recovery is the time for you to make HER feel comfortable, wanted, loved, etc. It's really not about HER.

I think it's completely fair for you to say you don't want her to visit while you're in the hospital and to let her know that she can come visit once you're home with the baby. If you feel like she's the type of person who will take a mile if you give her an inch, then by all means, don't give her an inch.

For what it's worth - my family isn't invasive at all and I'm still not having them visit me while I'm still at the birth center (where I'm having my baby). They can wait and come visit when I'm back in the comfort of my own home. Luckily, my family totally understands.

Just my two cents

cMichelle0423 · July 2015

I think it's perfectly acceptable to not want anyone around right after you've had your baby. Realistically, you're going to be so exhausted and you'll have nurses and other hospital staff in and out of your room. I was the same way after my first and second. I didn't want anyone around until I was ready for visitors. It hurt some feelings, but at the end of the day, it was about me and the baby and I wasn't going to cater to anyone else's needs.

lren07 · July 2015

As a FTM as well, I understand where you're coming from. As a wife whose mother in law passed away 4 months ago, I'd give anything to have her visit her grand baby in the hospital. Make sure your decision isn't something you'll regret. Best of luck!

stephybee23 · July 2015

Thanks so much ladies for all the advice and input, it has given me heaps to think about. However at the end of the day I agree with yous who do agree some MIL can and will take a mile if you give them an inch. This one in particular is like that. I just deep down honestly think that during birth and after it will be hectic and I don't feel like I need to cater to everyone else's needs when my own I should ultimately care for. I also agree that my husband should talk to her about it before I go into labour so it's not a big surprise, however hes been holding back from that for weeks now. I might do it myself if he doesn't, I don't mind confrontation, if it's in someone's best interest, honesty is always best. Some cultures don't let anyone see the baby for 3 months! Atleast I'm not asking that of her! Ha ha.

NurseRieger · July 2015

I understand completely from personal experience. My husband hasn't spoken to his mother for 6 years for several reasons but I would be going through the same drama if he still did speak to her. My great grandmother was absolutely horrible to my grandma. My grandma handled her by giving in and "keeping the peace" which was really keeping everyone else's peace. My grandfather never stood up to her and that caused a lot of pain and resentment through the years. You can't let a PIA MIL ruin happy events in your lives especially if it's the situation where every special occasion becomes some kind of battle. I hope that your situation isn't as bad. Set your limits and let your husband know you need his support and why.

stephybee23 · July 2015

Yeah I totally agree, it could become worse when it doesn't need to. I have expressed to my husband several times how serious I am about getting my own private space in the hospital and keeping visitors away including his mother. I think also it has a large part to do with him being an only child and being babied in a way. I come from a family of 7 kids, so we are much more independent, he would be too if she let him. I also always remind him that I didn't marry him to be best friends with his mom. Haha oh those damn MIL'S !!!

classychik85 · July 2015

Stick to your guns....with my first pregnancy I got guilt ed into my mom and the mil to be in the room and instead of helping me they stood there starring up my junk while I pushed for 3 hours and now they brag about how they have seen me and all my stiches. ..this time we are not calling anyone until she is half way or all the way out ...that way they won't make it into the room ....in the end it's your body your decision

amp61470 · July 2015

I think it's a little unfair to not allow her at all. It is also unfair to your DH. I think things will be even more hectic at home then the hospital.

PDXtbird · July 2015

Your body, your medical event. You get to decide who is involved.

NurseRieger · July 2015

Personally I don't understand having other family in the delivery room besides the father or 1 close family member if there is no father. I love my mother but I don't want her there, she can wait in the waiting room. I barely want my husband there! I'd rather just labor alone with my nurse watching the monitor from the nursing station until it's time to push, then I want my nurse and doctor and that's it. As far as visitors after I know people will want to come see the baby and that's fine but I do want to establish breastfeeding right away so I'm going to need my privacy a lot of the time. To me it's not unreasonable to want personal space even if you totally get along with family. People need to be understanding of that.

JNOVA2015 · July 2015

NurseRieger said:
Personally I don't understand having other family in the delivery room besides the father or 1 close family member if there is no father. I love my mother but I don't want her there, she can wait in the waiting room. I barely want my husband there! I'd rather just labor alone with my nurse watching the monitor from the nursing station until it's time to push, then I want my nurse and doctor and that's it. As far as visitors after I know people will want to come see the baby and that's fine but I do want to establish breastfeeding right away so I'm going to need my privacy a lot of the time. To me it's not unreasonable to want personal space even if you totally get along with family. People need to be understanding of that.

The OP isn't talking about allowing her in the delivery room. She's talking about allowing her to visit the hospital after the baby is born. I agree that the mother gets 100% say over who is in delivery, but it would be pretty harsh not to let grandma visit in the hospital the next day.

megg2012 · July 2015

I don't think that's harsh at all. I'm having a home birth and literally don't want anyone there while I'm giving birth. And i'm wanting to be fully rested and happy before people come over. It really is for the good of everyone. You don't want to be tired and upset right after the baby is born, there's to many hormones going crazy to have to deal with that. As i see it, you're the one having the baby and those around should understand and respect your wishes.

stephybee23 · July 2015

Yeah megg is right. I truly think people who are pushy about coming to see the baby then they should maybe have their own. I would never in my life just assume I can be in anyone , no matter the relation to just be in their faces after the birth. I made my devcision thanks to unbiased help with the ladies in here and no one is coming to visit until I decide. I'm hormonal enough as it is, if the mil over steps the boundaries she will regret it forever, not me. She's had her turn to be a mom, and now it's mine.

tstew96 · July 2015

I feel like a lot of people on here are getting to into the situation and being a little rude with their replies. It's your time and your choice, whatever makes you comfortable is the best choice. My MIL sounds a lot like yours, and I've told her and my family from basically day one that they can come visit/see my son when I say so, I don't want people just barging into my room after I push a human out of me. It's my day and if I'm not comfortable with something I'm going to let them know. My family and his family know they're not coming in the room without asking, and they're not going to visit at our house for the first week or so while we get situated/rest/bond. It's my choice and they can get over it and bond over their annoyance in the waiting room. If you don't want her there, that shouldn't be a problem. It's about you and your child, nobody else's opinions matter. You should be comfortable during the most important time of your life.

Alyllyra · July 2015

I love my mom and my MIL, but neither of them visited us during the first week of DDs life. It's not that we didn't allow it, it's just that that's what turned out best for them (my mom lives in another city and MIL had a cold and didn't want to risk infection).
It's not the end of the world to get to see your grandchild a day or two after they are born instead of on the same day. If the parents want to take a day to relax with their new baby they have every right to do so. But I do think that once you want to allow visitors, the grandparents should be the first ones allowed to come.

DylansCandyBar · July 2015

megg2012 said:
I don't think that's harsh at all. I'm having a home birth and literally don't want anyone there while I'm giving birth. And i'm wanting to be fully rested and happy before people come over. It really is for the good of everyone. You don't want to be tired and upset right after the baby is born, there's to many hormones going crazy to have to deal with that. As i see it, you're the one having the baby and those around should understand and respect your wishes.

Fully rested and happy? Lol. I guess you don't plan on seeing anyone for what...6 months then?

LittleFox2015 · July 2015

My MIL is a very intrusive and pushy person. She still tries to helicoptor parent my husband. It is your body and recovering. You 100% have the right to say no to someone who drains you emotionally when dealing with them. Just make sure you allow her to be one of the first when you do start accepting visitors.

HWKI · July 2015

You may want to let the nursing staff know about your decision so they can make sure you don't have any unwanted guests. Where I am delivering you can tell the staff any limits regarding visiting times (say be guests longer than an hour or after a certain time) and they will tell guests it is "hospital policy" so you don't look like the bad guy. Maybe this would allow you and DH a compromise like she comes for one hour and then the nurses give her the boot?

NurseRieger · July 2015

I have a question. Does your husband have a problem with his mother bring smothering? Or is everything just fine according to him? And is he upset because u don't want her there or is he just upset that he has to tell her she's not invited? If he's clueless about why u don't get along with her (or do get along with her at the expense of your own sanity) u need to shine light on the situation for him. If he thinks she's a pushy intrusive PITA but is mad at u for not wanting her there he needs to figure out how to stand up to her.

stephybee23 · July 2015

I just had this conversation with him again tonight actually. He understands completely how smothering she is and can be towards other people and how it really makes me uncomfortable . I brought up again that it's important he tell her subtly that I don't like it for everyone's sake, and for honesty. His response was that she's is always really affectionate and that I need to just let her be like that. I told him no, that I don't like it now and I won't in 5,10 years from now. He also is upset that I don't want her at the hospital but that he will respect what I want, but that's only because I broke down crying today over it all. He has tried making me feel really bad about it saying she is so hurt and he's told her that I have also told my family they aren't invited at the hospital the day I give birth. She still wants special treatment and still insisting on coming. Puts me in a really awkward position because my family haven't even bothered me about my choice and is totally cool and supportive about it. His mother however is hysterical about it and said she will still wait in the waiting room incase I change my mind. That I find still over bearing and somewhat disrespectful. I actually don't even know what to do anymore , I kinda wish I wasn't having the baby in Australia anymore.

EmilyGrace15 · July 2015

Im sure your MIL cant be that bad of a person... I don't want my MIL to be at the hospital when I give birth to Emily because she told me from day one to abort... That I'm too young. I'm 22 own my home and have a good job. I feel that I'm more than ready. She is just evil. I have never had someone be so mean to me before. Even after everything she put me through I have learned to forgive but not forget. It's the Christian way of doing things. Now that I'm 37 weeks pregnant she's excited for my baby to be here so yes I will let her be at the hospital for a visit after Emily is born but I will never ever forget that when told her I was pregnant she told me to abort. I would say let your MIL come but when you want her to leave just let her know you want time with your baby and need your rest.

emilyrae1 · July 2015

I think it is perfectly reasonable. I also told my husband the samething. But that it is only going to be my mother and him, I do not want to be bother by anyone. His entire family thinks it is a soctal event and they all have a "right" to be there. They are now all pissed at me because I told then the only people who have any right to be there is him and myself, after the baby is born and I am still in the hospital is not a visiting event.

emilyrae1 · July 2015

At lot of yall are acting like it is crime for a grandparent not to see the child, the grandparent has nothing to do with and zero right to that child. She can say she can never see the baby if she wants and there isn't one thing anyone can do about it.

stephybee23 · July 2015

It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.

JessicaS0914 · July 2015

stephybee23 said:

It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.

That is fine, however make sure you're prepared to irreparably break your relationship with her, andpotentially your husband. He could resent you for this for a LONG time.

Bigboobsmcgee · July 2015

JessicaS0914 said:

stephybee23 said:

It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.

That is fine, however make sure you're prepared to irreparably break your relationship with her, andpotentially your husband. He could resent you for this for a LONG time.

This. It's incredibly selfish IMO and your family isn't pushing you because they obviously know how you are. Your MIL is hoping you'll have a heart and let her visit her new grandchild.

Wait until your child has a child of their own and you are SO excited to be a grandma and then you are told you can't even be in the hospital waiting room. I'd be crushed. But go ahead and tell your MIL to "go have her own baby" if she wants to be excited over yours. Your husband is a pushover if he lets you make the final decision. It's his baby too and personally I respect a man that has a close relationship with his mother and is respectful to her. You are asking him to do the opposite.

And before you report me, I'm just giving my opinion and am not violating the TOU at all.

cseley321 · July 2015

Best of luck in your decision to keep everyone out of the hospital, but please understand that as others have pointed out that this may create a huge strain on your relationship with your husband and his family. I don't know them of course and do not know how they would react, but I know that if I told my husband (or if he told me) that his parents could not be at the hospital at all, this would create a LOT of problems for us. He would probably respect my wishes at the time, but this would cause a HUGE rift between us.

PDXtbird · July 2015

Bigboobsmcgee said:

JessicaS0914 said:

stephybee23 said:

It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.

That is fine, however make sure you're prepared to irreparably break your relationship with her, andpotentially your husband. He could resent you for this for a LONG time.

This. It's incredibly selfish IMO and your family isn't pushing you because they obviously know how you are. Your MIL is hoping you'll have a heart and let her visit her new grandchild.
Wait until your child has a child of their own and you are SO excited to be a grandma and then you are told you can't even be in the hospital waiting room. I'd be crushed. But go ahead and tell your MIL to "go have her own baby" if she wants to be excited over yours. Your husband is a pushover if he lets you make the final decision. It's his baby too and personally I respect a man that has a close relationship with his mother and is respectful to her. You are asking him to do the opposite.
And before you report me, I'm just giving my opinion and am not violating the TOU at all.

No, its not selfish. She is having a major medical event and will be trying to recover in thew hospital. She 100% gets to dictate who is infringing on her recovery.

Bigboobsmcgee · July 2015

PDXtbird said:

Bigboobsmcgee said:

JessicaS0914 said:

stephybee23 said:

It's so true, not only during the entire pregnancy being told what to do what to eat what to wear and now who I have to have in the room during or after the birth!? When we planned to have a baby I didn't expect to have to try and accommodate everyone else's feelings and needs. Im not having the baby to share with everyone on this planet. I also don't feel like I need to justify who I want in the room or not, ITS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION. It's not about everyone else, for once in my life I'm gonna be selfish and say no to who ever I want whether it's a MIL , my own mother or siblings. They'll all get over it, and if they don't they obviously don't genuinely care for what makes me happy or comfortable.

That is fine, however make sure you're prepared to irreparably break your relationship with her, andpotentially your husband. He could resent you for this for a LONG time.

This. It's incredibly selfish IMO and your family isn't pushing you because they obviously know how you are. Your MIL is hoping you'll have a heart and let her visit her new grandchild.
Wait until your child has a child of their own and you are SO excited to be a grandma and then you are told you can't even be in the hospital waiting room. I'd be crushed. But go ahead and tell your MIL to "go have her own baby" if she wants to be excited over yours. Your husband is a pushover if he lets you make the final decision. It's his baby too and personally I respect a man that has a close relationship with his mother and is respectful to her. You are asking him to do the opposite.
And before you report me, I'm just giving my opinion and am not violating the TOU at all.

No, its not selfish. She is having a major medical event and will be trying to recover in thew hospital. She 100% gets to dictate who is infringing on her recovery.

A major medical event? Sure. But you are also bringing a new family member into the world and LOTS of people (friends and family) are going to be over the moon with excitement. If you look at that as "infringing on your recovery" then that's just sad. I look at it as sharing my joy. I've had to 2 kids and that's how it felt for me to share it with my family. But I also allowed my mom to be there when both my kids were born and some people are vehemenently against that so...

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