Bringing family to first appointment

egraves4 · July 2015

So tomorrow is my first appointment (finally!) at 8w4d. I'm a FTM so this will be my first experience. This will also be my MIL's first grandchild by blood and she's really excited. She asked me a month ago if she could come and I was fine about it, but I think I'm more nervous about her coming than I am about the actual appointment the more I think about it.

What is it like bringing family with you to appointments? Basically, what can I expect. Will there be parts where I won't want her (or SO) in the room?

Thank you!

MrsJG3 · July 2015

Are you having an u/s? At my office you have the u/s then go to the waiting room and then get called back to see the dr. At my first appt they did a breast exam and a pelvic exam. I then went and had blood drawn. I wouldn't mind if DH was there for the whole thing o guess but having my MIL there for a pelvic would be really awkward.

RRC216 · July 2015

You can have her sit out some of the parts. I invited my MIL. Mainly just for the U/S. But anything else I will have her sit it out.

minivanmafia · July 2015

My first appt is Thursday and Ill have to have a pap/breast exam and ultrasound, which I will assume will be vaginal. Well probably need blood work, urine specimen and he will take a history. I am going by myself because of all this and I honestly prefer it this way for some reason.

egraves4 · July 2015

Yeah I have no idea honestly what they will be doing. I guess I could have asked them what to expect, but I didn't think about it when I set the appointment. I've also never been to this obgyn before so I'm assuming they'll be doing all the fun stuff you would have at a regular visit.

BHodd · July 2015

This early your US will likely be a vaginal US. I never felt comfortable with anyone but DH in the room during vaginal anything...

kris10mac · July 2015

I had a pap and a transvaginal ultrasound at my first appointment so I would not have wanted anyone but DH there.

brushesnbrunch · July 2015

My first appointment was really boring. I'm sure my husband wished it was more exciting. We had to schedule our ultrasound for a later date with another company so in a way I'm glad that we didn't invite family to our first appointment. I had invited my mom to our first ultrasound as this is the first local grandbaby on my side, but she couldn't make it. If she would have, I would have invited his mom as well.

bredoll · July 2015

You may also want to check with your doctor's office since I know some are pretty strict on who/how many people can be in the room with you for certain things. Some women are more comfortable than others but I wouldn't want my MIL in with me while I got a transvaginal U/S.

I personally wouldn't have wanted anyone but Hubby with me at any appointment and so far he only goes to the U/S part and then leaves. Our next appointment he will have to stay longer since we have the meeting with the OB coordinator about family history, insurance and all that but after that and the U/S he will leave. There is no reason for him to watch me get blood drawn or my pap.

Lindsaym5! · July 2015

Last time, I had my husband go with me to my first appointment and it was so uneventful I felt bad he missed work for it. If you are getting an ultrasound though, it will probably be vaginal. If you haven't had a pap in the last year, they may do one of those as well. I honestly don't understand family wanting to go to the Dr with you though. ( not saying you, just in general. ) I would never even consider letting my MIL go with me and I doubt she would ask anyway.

HBirdie · July 2015

Yeah, nope, my first appt. last time included a full pelvic exam. It was really long, too, what with answering medical history questions and them inundating me with pamphlets and info. I never would've been comfortable having MIL along.

Also, and this is my personal feelings but I'm going to put it out there anyway- I think seeing your baby in an u/s is a really special, personal thing. I wouldn't have wanted to share that with anyone but DH, especially the first u/s. Even someone I'm close to that I'd show the pics to later. It would just feel too intrusive to have someone else there. And what if, God forbid, it was bad news? I definitely would want to initially process that alone (with my husband, of course).

Eta typo

VitaLuna · July 2015

Nope, I wouldn't let her come if it was me. There will be plenty of other appointments for her to attend, I wouldn't bring her to this one.

It's a long appointment, a lot of personal questions and exams, and I personally think you need to be able to focus on the information/conversation with your care provider, not worry about MIL being in the room.

Lindsaym5! · July 2015

HBirdie said:

Also, and this is my personal feelings but I'm going to put it out there anyway- I think seeing your baby in an u/s is a really special, personal thing. I wouldn't have wanted to share that with anyone but DH, especially the first u/s. Even someone I'm close to that I'd show the pics to later. It would just feel too intrusive to have someone else there. And what if, God forbid, it was bad news? I definitely would want to initially process that alone (with my husband, of course).

Eta typo

This is what I was trying to say. Just couldn't come up with it on my own!

wisco29 · July 2015

Lindsaym5! said:

HBirdie said:

Also, and this is my personal feelings but I'm going to put it out there anyway- I think seeing your baby in an u/s is a really special, personal thing. I wouldn't have wanted to share that with anyone but DH, especially the first u/s. Even someone I'm close to that I'd show the pics to later. It would just feel too intrusive to have someone else there. And what if, God forbid, it was bad news? I definitely would want to initially process that alone (with my husband, of course).

Eta typo
This!!
My mom came with to an appt I had at 8 weeks but I had already heard her hb at 7 because of cysts so I knew it wouldn't be bad news. We aren't inciting anyone BUT my bff is the only one who knows and is watching dd at my house and I'm already worried if it's bad news I have to come home to her being here.

MrsJG3 · July 2015

I totally forgot about the dildo cam! I have let my MIL come to one of my NST u/s but that was later in pregnancy and def after the first trimester.

egraves4 · July 2015

Hahaha yay I'm even so excited now.... I guess my thoughts were "hey, I'm only 21, I don't really what's going on, it'll probably be chill". Oh well, too late now to uninvite her!

BabyHope2013 · July 2015

With my first pregnancy my first appointment was just a urine test and full pelvic exam---outside of filling out lots of paperwork. This time my first appointment was paperwork, urine test and a vaginal ultrasound. I did bring DH because of the ultrasound. I think it would have been super awkward if my MIL was in the room during that---but maybe that is just me.

Is there a reason why she wants go? Perhaps the anatomy scan would be more appropriate.

egraves4 · July 2015

@BabyHope2013 Hell, I wish I knew now. The only thing I could think of is maybe it was different back then? I don't even know if that would make sense, but maybe she thinks that more goes on!

willkc · July 2015

I went to my first appointment alone since it was just like an annual gyno visit... My ultrasound is in a couple hours and my MIL is visiting, but I'm gonna have her sit in the waiting room. I just want to experience it with my husband.

HBirdie · July 2015

egraves4 said:

@BabyHope2013 Hell, I wish I knew now. The only thing I could think of is maybe it was different back then? I don't even know if that would make sense, but maybe she thinks that more goes on!

@egraves4: If I were you, I'd probably call her up and say that you clarified what will be happening in the first appointment and that you don't feel comfortable (or something like this... don't say that if it'll offend her) having her there for that one, but that you'd love it if she'd come to the anatomy scan (or NT scan, or whatever), and emphasize that it'll be much more fun for her anyway. Also, I'm a fan of the little white lie in situations like this... maybe say you aren't even sure you'll actually see the baby so there won't be anything fun for her. I don't know. I'd come up with a reason why it would be better for her to come to a different appointment.

Lindsaym5! · July 2015

egraves4 said:
Hahaha yay I'm even so excited now.... I guess my thoughts were "hey, I'm only 21, I don't really what's going on, it'll probably be chill". Oh well, too late now to uninvite her!

So what if you're young? It's your baby, your body, you do what makes YOU comfortable. There is nothing wrong with uninviting her if that's what you feel more comfortable with.

egraves4 · July 2015

@HBirdie Yeah that's what I'm thinking about doing! Text her just let her know I discussed with my obgyn that it would be like a normal appointment and that I wouldn't want her to be bored to death anyway. The more I think about it, the more I'm thinking it could be more awkward than worth it. Especially if I have questions I want to ask her that I would rather her not be there for. I'm probably going to offer and see if she would like to grab lunch after since she lives in the area.

MrsJG3 · July 2015

Actually some dr's won't allow extras in the exam room for HIPPA reasons. Maybe let her come in for the u/s and skip the exam? Also being 21 doesn't mean you don't know anything! Don't be down on yourself like that. I am sure you know way more than you are giving yourself credit for.

robinj716 · July 2015

My first appt. was questions and peeing in a cup. My second appt was a dating scan and no way would I want anyone in there bedsides me SO with them Sticking Wands inside me and all.

My SO and I have agreed that were not allowing any family to appointments or in delivery room. We have big, jealous families. If we invite one, then the other gets mad, etc. so we are just not inviting anyone. Besides we like to relish in these moments together with just the two of us.

It's not too late to tell your MIL that you confirmed with doctor they're not doing anything special and just asking questions and you can tell her you would rather wait for family to come to an appt. where it's going to be eventful.

twinmom1121 · July 2015

I agree with what everyone has said. My first appt last pregnancy was paperwork, family history and a pelvic and breast exam. My husband really didn't even need to be there and was pretty bored ha! I'd say maybe have her come to the anatomy scan. My mom and mil came to my anatomy scan and I was ok with that! This time around my husband isn't even coming to the first appointment because we aren't getting an ultrasound until a few days later. I would feel very awkward if my mil was there for the first appointment/pelvic exam!

sheashea407 · July 2015

My first appt was a typical GYN-type visit--Pap, breast exam, then the ultrasound. I think DH regretted being there for the first part (I told him just to come at 3 for the u/s and he showed up at 2:30 and had the front desk walk him back)...he was a little traumatized by the pap smear. If you're having an u/s, just have her come in for that. Mine were 2 separate appointments--we had to wait around a little while for the ultrasound.

egraves4 · July 2015

Thanks everybody! The overwhelming vote is obviously for her to not be there and I think everyone is right. I've already texted SO that it may not be the best idea to bring her. I've already decided in my mind before this that only SO will be in the delivery room, so it's probably best that we do this on our own as well.

g8trkim · July 2015

I would find out if you're getting an u/s. If not, I don't see the point. I always just had DH at appts but the vaginal ultrasound is very covered up. I wouldn't worry about her seeing anything. The exam would be a no go though. I'm even a little weird with having DH in there because it's kind of invasive (breast exam, pelvic, forceps... all that jazz).

canavara · July 2015

MrsJG3 said:

I totally forgot about the dildo cam! I have let my MIL come to one of my NST u/s but that was later in pregnancy and def after the first trimester.

Hahaha, dildo cam. When I had my transvaginal U/S yesterday, I commented, "That looks like it might be uncomfortable," and the technician said, "It's just the tip..." Was really tempted to reply with, "That's what got me into this mess to start," but I feel like she's probably heard every joke in the book by now haha.

anotherctg · July 2015

Had my first appointment today and with my fiancé there it was really uncomfortable for the vaginal ultrasound and swab. He commented that he sees that stuff all the time but then during the procedures looked like he wanted to die. Then we got the news that the pregnancy may "not be progressing" so that's my experience and I think it would have been really awkward to have a third party there.

Sprinkles07 · July 2015

Mil isn't interested in coming but I had my mom and sister come to the anatomy scan. It wasn't weird but I'd feel a little strange with mil there during a vaginal ultrasound.

egraves4 · July 2015

I'm *hoping* I'm far enough along that I won't have to get the vaginal ultrasound (it just makes me uncomfortable thinking about, especially with SO in the room) but I had him call his mom and explain the situation and she was absolutely fine with it! We decided it would be best to bring her and my mom along for the anatomy scan.

MrsJG3 · July 2015

Great news! Hope you have a great first appt! I bet they will love the anatomy scan. It is really amazing.

4N6s · July 2015

If you're not having an ultrasound there isn't much for her to see or do.

chitownparent · July 2015

You made me spit out coffee this AM! So hilarious. Thanks for that!

canavara said:

MrsJG3 said:

I totally forgot about the dildo cam! I have let my MIL come to one of my NST u/s but that was later in pregnancy and def after the first trimester.

Hahaha, dildo cam. When I had my transvaginal U/S yesterday, I commented, "That looks like it might be uncomfortable," and the technician said, "It's just the tip..." Was really tempted to reply with, "That's what got me into this mess to start," but I feel like she's probably heard every joke in the book by now haha.

inomniaparatus · July 2015

Only my husband came and I had an abdominal ultrasound at 8 weeks but doctor had him leave the room for the pelvic exam. Your mil shouldn't be in there unless it's the abdominal ultrasound imo. Even then, it's uncomfortable because you don't have your underwear on and your gown gets opened. I wouldn't want her to accidentally see my private parts lol - that's so weird.

Knottie19458446 · July 2015

This was a HUGE fight in my family. My MIL invited herself, and she and I don't have the best relationship. She managed to make our wedding ENTIRELY about her. So we knew she would do the same for our first baby. When she asked me first, and I told her "No." that I thought it should just be my husband and I. Then, she asked my husband, and he told her the same thing. She then went to her father(who raised my husband, so he thinks of him as a father.) and she gave him a sob story about how she wants to come. So next thing I know, my husband gets a visit from his grandpa, and I get called out and made to look a fool in front of my entire IL family. I spent the whole night before the ultrasound crying because I didn't understand why this was all my fault and why it makes me such a bad person. Moral of the story, DONT BRING HER!!! My husband and I were both extremely happy that it was just us. She can come to the next ultrasound. Hope my horror story helps! Lol!

jennymack79 · July 2015

Sounds like you got everything worked out, but just wanted to share that my U/S room was only big enough for one guest, so I'm not sure they would've allowed anyone else. And at 8 weeks 4 days, they didn't even attempt an external U/S, it was transvag all the way. The questions portion of the festivities included questions about STD exposure and history, more fun stuff that you may not want a larger audience for.

Best of luck!

PrimRoseMama · July 2015

Your doctor's appt is not a spectator sport. Also, the part of your OP that said "first grandchild by blood" really bothered me. As a child of adoption, one grandchild is not somehow less than the new baby just because they aren't related by blood.

mtkbaby · July 2015

Sounds like you got it all figured out! I am so glad that your MIL understood!

Side note: one of my friends wanted to involve family in her ultrasounds, so her mother paid for her to have a 3D ultrasound at a facility in town. I think she said it was about $100, but because it wasn't at her doctors office she was able to bring her whole family. She said it was a really amzing experience! I personally don't think I would want my parents or in laws at any ultrasound, but that might be another way to go if you want to involve your families!
Good luck!

egraves4 · July 2015

@PrimRoseMama Well I'm sorry you were offended by that? What I meant was that her boyfriend has a grandchild that she isn't even technically her grandchild (as much as she loves her) so she's looking forward to the first for her. Plus, they started dating after the grandchild was born. It wasn't about adoption.

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