January 2016 Moms
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Alienated from Friends
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Hi Ladies, I'm due at the end of January so I'm about 10 weeks today. (Happy 4th of July!) Unfortunately, I've been having a really hard time with the few friends who I have told who not only don't seem happy for me, but have been avoiding me. It's been about 6 weeks since my husband and I told our best friends (a married couple-man and woman--the man is my husband's best friend since childhood) and they've 100% bailed on us us. (We've taken to texting them pictures of Christian Bale, just kidding, but that would be hilarious.) I even told my friend that I was starting to take his rebuffs personally, and he blew us off again the same day I mentioned this. I know it's fairly common for your relationships to change shape during the transition to childless to child-ed, but I didn't know it would feel so primally personal. Does anyone have any strategies for addressing this or thoughts on how to move on from a close friendship if they never end up being supportive? I spent the morning crying because (I'm pregnant and a hormonal mess.. AND) we're going to a cookout this afternoon where these friends will be and I don't really want to confront them there, but am feeling unhappy about even going. Thanks.
Re: Alienated from Friends
But I've got a twist. I work with my best friend. We're basically the two senior people in the office so it makes it doubly difficult to have to work with her everyday but basically be ignored. Also, part of it probably is because they can't have children. They have adopted two boys (who are wonderful). It's a constant bad situation. I need to put my big girl panties on and just have it out with her.
My point is things will just need to adjust. At the cookout, just have fun and act like everything is honky dory. Don't talk about the pregnancy or baby stuff... Unless someone asks, but make it short. Show them you are still your same fun self. Laugh about how you can be everyone's DD now.
Things will eventually change, but in the meantime let your friends adjust. Hopefully they show up for you when it counts.
Side note... While writing this my 2 year old is finding all my "oueys" and kissing them better. You are getting something so amazing, how could they not come around?
If you think this is the case, try not to mention your bun too much.
Two years, two losses and three IUIs...
We are having TRIPLETS!
EDD 1/26/16
GGB born November 2015!
...When my friend got pregnant for the first time, I probably became weird because I just literally had no idea what to do or say, and really couldn't relate to her desire to have kids at the time. But I still liked her, and still wanted her in my life; I just didn't know how to do that, and I genuinely respect that she didn't push me in any way. If she had, I don't think it would have worked in her favour.
Also remember that you are probably hyper-aware of what's happening. They might not even think their actions are that big of a deal, or there might be something going on that you aren't aware of. For example, if one of them wants a baby and the other doesn't, it could cause fights every time they see you. Just be cool, be patient, and they'll come around if they really are your friends.
I'm 22 and work in hospitality, I used to smoke but obviously stopped right away. The girls used to come over here after we finished our dinner shifts and we'd sit out the back having a few smokes and they'd drink (I've never really been a drinker)
After I got pregnant I obviously couldn't be around smoke and I started getting really sick two weeks after finding out and going to bed earlier. Apparently seeing me after that became to much of a sacrifice. They stopped coming over during the day and at night and started only contacting me when they wanted something.
It was really hard at first but I'm glad of it now.
I do have two friends who have been amazing and so supportive. They're the ones I focus on now. Sometimes it still hurts that my 'best friends' don't contact me anymore. But I guess they're just not worth giving a second thought.
If they don't come round, you'll have other people supporting you. x
I can relate to both being a friend who becomes weird when she finds out her friend is pregnant, and also a friend whose friend became weird after she became pregnant. When I was the former, it just took me a little while to get used to the idea and remember that my friend was still who she has always been. I was just in a very different life stage than her and could not imagine why she would choose to have a baby, and on some level was sad and worried about our relationship changing. When I was the latter, which would be right now, the friend in question is in a very different place in her life than I am. She is the last of our close friends who is unmarried and doesn't have a child or is pregnant. I am sure there is sadness and worry about our relationship changing, and also an inability to imagine why I would choose this.
When I was being the weirdo, it really helped that my friend kept pursuing me and left the door open for when I got over myself. I think it is important to appreciate that pregnancy changes everything and I think my friend recognized that and didn't take my standoffishness personally, which was why she was able to continue reaching out to me.