Gender disappointment!

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

So when I found out I was expecting I was so set on having a boy! Then for some reason I kept having dreams I had a girl. And my family kept putting the idea in my head that I'm having a girl and I got used to it. I was content! I picked out a BEAUTIFUL name and I even started online shopping. Today I found out I'm expecting a boy. I was in such disbelief I started laughing. I have to admit the love I have for my unborn child has slightly changed and it's tearing me up inside. He hasn't done anything wrong and it's so selfish of me to feel this way. As I'm writing this the tears are just rolling down. I'm so ashamed for feeling this way. When does this disappointment turn to joy? I don't want my baby to feel unloved!

egarrison918 · July 2015

I had so many dreams i was having a girl, and even after i found out im having a boy its still a girl in my dreams, lol dont feel bad for feeling that way! Hes guna be the love of your life.

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

Thank you! I needed that. I've been really down all day.

katiedhunter · July 2015

You know I can kinda relate. I have two boys already and when I found out this third one was a boy I was kinda dissapointed. It's not that I wasn't ecstatic about having another boy. I am. I got this shit down! Lol It was just hard letting go of all the things I had in my mind about a girl, no grad dress shopping, no wedding dress shopping, no girls days, no hair, no makeup. Your gonna love your baby boy no matter what.

Candy_bandit · July 2015

Was the baby healthy?
As a grown woman when I'm being selfish and ridiculous I go ahead and tell myself to grow up, count my blessings and be grateful for what I have. Which I am guessing in your case is a healthy baby.

Noey80 · July 2015

I think once you find his name and start shopping for him...it will all change. Shopping solves everything...ok I wish. Don't feel bad. You have a healthy baby.

oliarnmom1517 · July 2015

I was a tad disappointed at first because I wanted a girl but once I thought about it.. I'm having a healthy baby and after trying for as long as we did all I wanted was a healthy baby and that's what I have!! Shopping for clothes and things for him has helped a lot..

Cook3133 · July 2015

It's just fine

. I have my heart set on a girl, after 3 boys and more than likely yet another boy on the way it feels like I'm missing out. Don't get me wrong I love so deeply all my kids. But I did cry when I found out my first was a boy and not a girl.

I had to make myself fall in love with the idea of having a boy. It had nothing to do with not loving my child. It's hard to explain that part. Boys are SO much fun and more often then not they always love their Mommies

they're dirty and make rude noises and think butts and farts are the funniest thing in the entire world! Boys are a ton of fun

I don't think you love the baby any less just the idea of what the sex is. The moment you hold him for the first time your heart melts

stephmoburke · July 2015

I felt the same way with my first. I was so sure I was having a girl and when I found out I was having a boy, I started crying because I wanted a girl so bad. I even bought girl clothes because I was so sure it was a girl. But, when he was born, I forgot all about it because I finally had my baby in my arms. I'm on my 3rd pregnancy. And after having a girl the second time around, I was actually praying for a boy and that's what we're having

LinMmmm · July 2015

Oh boy here we go. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Your feelings are valid but don't be surprised with the opinions you'll receive here. It comes down to we all know we have 50/50 shot going into this when it comes to baby's sex. Please put things into perspective. This board is full of moms who just want healthy babies, have experienced loss, or have spent years ttgp who cringe hearing the words "gender DISAPPOINTMENT". It sounds like you received great news at your last u/s... that you are having a healthy baby. You should feel blessed and overjoyed. Congrats and no doubt you'll love your little boy.

thefithuntress · July 2015

I definitely echo what @LinMmmm already told you. I always pictured a little boy but as soon as the nurse told me "girl" that image vanished. Maybe take some time to yourself to meditate and visualize your beautiful son. I'm happy for you.

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

Thank you ladies. I truly appreciate it!! And I apologize if I've offended anyone that wasn't my intention. I just needed an outlet. Once again I appreciate your responses. I feel a little better reading I'm not the only that's going through/ has gone through this stage.

makeoutside7 · July 2015

Hi,

You know, I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping for a girl and my husband wasn't hoping for a boy. Obviously, we didn't ask about the sex of the baby until all the scan measurements were complete and we were informed the baby was healthy! We would be happy either way but when we found out it was a girl, I almost felt guilty! My husband is now so excited about having a daughter even though we BOTH had envisioned having a son. Don't feel bad about having ideas in your mind on the sex of your baby. It's natural, don't beat yourself up over it. I'm sure he is going to be the love of your life regardless!

Pontot31 · July 2015

There are moms her who have recently found out their babies have complications during their anatomy scan. Some who found out their babies are no longer alive. And you're upset you have a healthy baby who isn't of the sex you wanted?! (not gender. You could still get a child who relate to the female gender. You'll know in a few years)
I will never relate to this.

queenwog · July 2015

Ya know, as much as I want to tell you that you just need to buck up and get over it, I can't tell you that. My anatomy scan is on Monday, so I don't know yet, but I'm trying to prepare myself and find reasons to be excited about either sex before I find out because I don't want to be disappointed. For many many reasons I want a boy; my dream is to have sons, not daughters, but I'm trying to keep in mind that that might not be in the cards for me. And I need to be okay with it. I've been making a mental list of things I'll be able to share with a daughter but not a son (like my nesting doll collection; not really terribly masculine! Or carrying on the traditions of the women in my family) so that if, on Monday, I find out that I AM having a girl, I'm not disappointed because I have X reasons to look forward to having a girl. Deep down I still want a boy, but thinking of the reasons having a daughter would be good is helping a lot. It keeps things in perspective for me and ultimately helps me to remember that it truly is the health that matters, not the sex.

kmd91 · July 2015

I'm so glad to see that this post has been receiving more supportive responses than essentially this same post made about a month ago where basically everyone was posting telling the girl how terrible of her it was to feel that way.

It's a very common thing, though it may not seem like it because people don't often don't like to express these feelings, because they know it sounds bad. Just because you feel that disappointment doesn't mean you don't and won't love your baby just as much as any other mother that is excited for whichever sex. I can guarantee that you'll adjust your thoughts and expectations and get used to the idea. You'll look back and not be able to imagine having that little girl you imagined over your sweet little boy.

I am glad that at 13 weeks I was told it was probably a boy, and then I had time to marinade on that before the official confirmation. Because in the beginning I envisioned a girl. Had I spent all this time thinking my baby was a girl I wouldn't be surprised if I was a little disappointed to find out otherwise.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with having a preference or getting an idea in your head. I don't think it means you care any less about whether or not you're happy to have a healthy baby. The two are separate things. It's kind of like saying if my husband bought a new couch (which is a thing we have really been wanting) I couldn't be upset if the couch wasn't my style because "look, you have a couch, that's what you wanted!" I know it's not a great simile, because in the end you'll love your baby and I'd probably still hate the couch.

nellz78 · July 2015

Okay I have lost 4 pregnancies 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth at 26 weeks and I'm okay with your disappointment. I had a miscarriage right before this pregnancy but since I had a d and c so I was able to know it was a boy. I just had my anatomy scan and found it is was a boy but I would be lying to myself if I said I wouldn't have been disappointed. It doesn't change that I would have still been elated at the birth of my fifth daughter. It's okay to have fantasized about your future child and I don't think you are selfish to mourn that. I don't get some special pass to tell someone how they feel about their baby just because I have had loss. Hell I have been disappointed multiple times when finding out I was having a girl and it doesn't change the fact that I love my daughters so much and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Just my two cents

Pontot31 · July 2015

But you have a 50/50 chance. Why are you envisioning one sex over the other and planning for it with out knowing for sure? That's what I don't get.

This is my second pregnancy. I have a girl already. I don't find out the sex of this baby for another week and a half.
Would having a boy and a girl be great- yes! Would having 2 girls be great- yes! I'm happy either way, as long as I have a healthy baby.
Why set yourself up for "disappointment" knowing you have no control? I can't even write disappointment with out the quotes because I think it's so absurd to be voicing your disappointment in a place like this.

kmd91 · July 2015

Pontot31 said:
But you have a 50/50 chance. Why are you envisioning one sex over the other and planning for it with out knowing for sure? That's what I don't get.

This is my second pregnancy. I have a girl already. I don't find out the sex of this baby for another week and a half.
Would having a boy and a girl be great- yes! Would having 2 girls be great- yes! I'm happy either way, as long as I have a healthy baby.
Why set yourself up for "disappointment" knowing you have no control? I can't even write disappointment with out the quotes because I think it's so absurd to be voicing your disappointment in a place like this.

The fact of the matter is that people process things in different ways. That doesn't make one way right and the other absurd. For a lot of people, getting excited about the baby on the way involves thinking about the future of that baby. A lot of people also get gut feelings about the sex of the baby, so it's only natural to have that gut feeling be incorporated into their daydreaming about baby. Of course until you know for sure you realize in the back of your mind that it's entirely possible that your feeling is wrong. But as the planner that I am, if I had a strong feeling that it was one sex over the other, I would probably find myself focusing my name/nursery/gear planning geared more towards my feeling. Its all emotion led versus scientific or logical.

Also, "in a place like this"? You mean somewhere where there's a bunch of pregnant women, who could potentially relate, but because it's an Internet forum you don't have to worry about down the line someone knowing and remembering you felt this way once you've already gotten over it. And clearly by the responses a number of people can relate to this feeling.

Pontot31 · July 2015

kmd91 said:

Pontot31 said:
But you have a 50/50 chance. Why are you envisioning one sex over the other and planning for it with out knowing for sure? That's what I don't get.

This is my second pregnancy. I have a girl already. I don't find out the sex of this baby for another week and a half.
Would having a boy and a girl be great- yes! Would having 2 girls be great- yes! I'm happy either way, as long as I have a healthy baby.
Why set yourself up for "disappointment" knowing you have no control? I can't even write disappointment with out the quotes because I think it's so absurd to be voicing your disappointment in a place like this.
The fact of the matter is that people process things in different ways. That doesn't make one way right and the other absurd. For a lot of people, getting excited about the baby on the way involves thinking about the future of that baby. A lot of people also get gut feelings about the sex of the baby, so it's only natural to have that gut feeling be incorporated into their daydreaming about baby. Of course until you know for sure you realize in the back of your mind that it's entirely possible that your feeling is wrong. But as the planner that I am, if I had a strong feeling that it was one sex over the other, I would probably find myself focusing my name/nursery/gear planning geared more towards my feeling. Its all emotion led versus scientific or logical.

Also, "in a place like this"? You mean somewhere where there's a bunch of pregnant women, who could potentially relate, but because it's an Internet forum you don't have to worry about down the line someone knowing and remembering you felt this way once you've already gotten over it. And clearly by the responses a number of people can relate to this feeling.

A place like this meaning look at just the front page of our board-- multiple posts about babies with possible issues and others who have passed on. It's insensitive to come in and be disappointed about not getting the sex you want after reading those posts.

brossi359 · July 2015

I would be lying if I said I wasn't slightly shocked/worried about my future plans with this baby. My husband is 1 of 3 boys, his brother just had their first child, a boy. I had envisioned giving his family their first little girl. Everyone talked me into this baby being a little girl, (though I am estatic he is a boy) I started getting used to it. I said I swore I felt he was a she. Beginning of June we had a party... what do you know BLUE! I bawled out of shock/ dreams of the family's first girl lol. I just kept thinking of all the positive things I would be able to do with either one. Both have negitives for me like a girl with older drama I would never want to see her upset and that's unavoidable, with a boy it was potty training and something I need to learn be a role model for. assuming your baby is happy, congratulations you will love this LO unconditionally and the thought with set in (there's always next time

)

Edit : spelling

Peony1982 · July 2015

How did women EVER survive before the 1990s not knowing the sex of their children before birth? I think we all need a little perspective. If I ever talked about how I NEEDED to know beforehand because I HAD to plan and bond, my momma would put me in place.

MoRay05 · July 2015

I figured this wouldn't go over well with some moms on this board. I understand envisioning one sex over the other but I don't understand how you could be so upset you are in tears. A healthy baby is wayyyyy more important than what the sex is.

Focus on what's important. I'm sure once you start decorating and buying baby items you will get excited. And on the day you meet him for the first time you will instantly fall in love!

With my first we thought we were having a boy and we found out it was a girl. It took a little while to get used to the idea. But once we meet her and fell in love I wouldn't change it for anything!

Whatever is meant to be will be. You can always try again for that girl

Edit: fingers faster than my brain this am.

ash413 · July 2015

I can't relate to this at all. This is my DH and I 3rd pregnancy, hopefully first successful. Before finding out the sex we discussed both sexes. During my sisters ballet recital we talked about how fun it would be to have a daughter in dance in a couple years, and we talked about how fun it is to watch rough and tumble little boys play. We talked about names for both sexes.
At 13 weeks we found out we are having a boy, which was just icing after being told the genetic testing was negative. We honestly would have been thrilled either way.

My anatomy scan is next week, I am always worried they won't find a heart beat or they will find some abnormality.
I guess it's a blessing for the sex of your healthy baby to be your biggest problem during pregnancy.

helsbels222 · July 2015

I will never understand the words "I found out I'm having a _____ and I'm so disappointed."

Ceridwen77 · July 2015

Agreed with others who said they can't understand sex disappointment. So many women/couples struggle with infertility. So many individuals who have recently had their anatomy scan have come here to get support because a soft marker/defect/area of concern has been found. Those of us that had good reports so far should feel lucky we are carrying healthy babies, especially when going into it we know for a fact that it is a 50/50 chance.

OP I do wish you the best and hope you start to come around. That baby is going to depend on you so much and I hope for your little boy you can get past this and begin to look at all the great experiences you will have with your son.

helsbels222 · July 2015

ash413 said:
I can't relate to this at all. This is my DH and I 3rd pregnancy, hopefully first successful. Before finding out the sex we discussed both sexes. During my sisters ballet recital we talked about how fun it would be to have a daughter in dance in a couple years, and we talked about how fun it is to watch rough and tumble little boys play. We talked about names for both sexes.
At 13 weeks we found out we are having a boy, which was just icing after being told the genetic testing was negative. We honestly would have been thrilled either way.

My anatomy scan is next week, I am always worried they won't find a heart beat or they will find some abnormality.
I guess it's a blessing for the sex of your healthy baby to be your biggest problem during pregnancy.

Although I haven't experienced loss, it's something I constantly worry about. It's my biggest fear. I just want a healthy baby who makes it to at least 38 weeks. My first was born at 34 weeks.

I'm so sorry you had to experience loss. Sending you positive vibes for a healthy baby boy.

And you are absolutely right! If only the sex of the baby was our biggest problem.

dmiller1213 · July 2015

I'd give my left leg to be in tears over the sex of my baby. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have actual problems to be crying over.

jasbaby2 · July 2015

ash413 said:
I can't relate to this at all. This is my DH and I 3rd pregnancy, hopefully first successful. Before finding out the sex we discussed both sexes. During my sisters ballet recital we talked about how fun it would be to have a daughter in dance in a couple years, and we talked about how fun it is to watch rough and tumble little boys play. We talked about names for both sexes.
At 13 weeks we found out we are having a boy, which was just icing after being told the genetic testing was negative. We honestly would have been thrilled either way.

My anatomy scan is next week, I am always worried they won't find a heart beat or they will find some abnormality.
I guess it's a blessing for the sex of your healthy baby to be your biggest problem during pregnancy.

This is where we are. We have a six year old boy and over the last two years have experienced a chemical pregnancy and two miscarriages. The anxiety surrounding ultrasounds is so great I am in a panic for about 24 hrs before.

I cried when we got good nipt results back especially because our last loss was due to a Chromosome abnormality. Finding out we are having a girl was just some extra fun.

I don't blame anyone for their feelings though and I think it's hard to understand that a healthy baby isn't a given until you've been on that other side of things. If your biggest worry is the sex of the baby then I envy you.

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

We're all entitled to our feelings. Just because we feel differently about the situation doesn't make my feelings invalid. I wasn't crying because I was so disappointed (not that I have to explain myself anyway) I was simply crying because I felt selfish & undeserving.

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

Pontot31 said:
But you have a 50/50 chance. Why are you envisioning one sex over the other and planning for it with out knowing for sure? That's what I don't get.

This is my second pregnancy. I have a girl already. I don't find out the sex of this baby for another week and a half.
Would having a boy and a girl be great- yes! Would having 2 girls be great- yes! I'm happy either way, as long as I have a healthy baby.
Why set yourself up for "disappointment" knowing you have no control? I can't even write disappointment with out the quotes because I think it's so absurd to be voicing your disappointment in a place like this.

A place like this? LOL! Last time I checked the bump was a place for pregnant women to express their views/feelings/opinions etc. Sorry if you don't feel like my (like you said) "disappointment" is valid enough to make it onto this site. If you didn't like what you saw from the title you could have simply scrolled on by.

ks24119 · July 2015

I wish you all the luck on your pregnancy. But this is super hard to relate to (for me, and the one topic that really is upsetting). After 2 miscarriages and finally and hopefully this time with a vital pregnancy (I still count down the weeks until 24), please feel very happy how lucky you are for a healthy baby. I totally understand having expectations and dreams about a sex, but it's 50/50 and we never got the choice.

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

dmiller1213 said:
I'd give my left leg to be in tears over the sex of my baby. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have actual problems to be crying over.

Lucky? I don't believe in luck. I prefer blessed. You don't know what complications I've gone through/are going through you only know what I've shared.

tobitheotran · July 2015

I have 2 boys and a girl and I'm expecting another girl right now. I can tell you this, a son's love is nothing like that of a daughter's. My boys are 17 and 14 and they are the biggest babies ever. Boys have a special kind of love for their mommies. You will enjoy your son. Be happy happy!

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

jasbaby2 said:

ash413 said:
I can't relate to this at all. This is my DH and I 3rd pregnancy, hopefully first successful. Before finding out the sex we discussed both sexes. During my sisters ballet recital we talked about how fun it would be to have a daughter in dance in a couple years, and we talked about how fun it is to watch rough and tumble little boys play. We talked about names for both sexes.
At 13 weeks we found out we are having a boy, which was just icing after being told the genetic testing was negative. We honestly would have been thrilled either way.

My anatomy scan is next week, I am always worried they won't find a heart beat or they will find some abnormality.
I guess it's a blessing for the sex of your healthy baby to be your biggest problem during pregnancy.
This is where we are. We have a six year old boy and over the last two years have experienced a chemical pregnancy and two miscarriages. The anxiety surrounding ultrasounds is so great I am in a panic for about 24 hrs before.

I cried when we got good nipt results back especially because our last loss was due to a Chromosome abnormality. Finding out we are having a girl was just some extra fun.

I don't blame anyone for their feelings though and I think it's hard to understand that a healthy baby isn't a given until you've been on that other side of things. If your biggest worry is the sex of the baby then I envy you.

No need to envy me. Like I've stated a little while ago to someone else you don't know what complications I've been through. You only know what I've shared.

Pontot31 · July 2015

NadiaJ825 said:

Pontot31 said:
But you have a 50/50 chance. Why are you envisioning one sex over the other and planning for it with out knowing for sure? That's what I don't get.

This is my second pregnancy. I have a girl already. I don't find out the sex of this baby for another week and a half.
Would having a boy and a girl be great- yes! Would having 2 girls be great- yes! I'm happy either way, as long as I have a healthy baby.
Why set yourself up for "disappointment" knowing you have no control? I can't even write disappointment with out the quotes because I think it's so absurd to be voicing your disappointment in a place like this.
A place like this? LOL! Last time I checked the bump was a place for pregnant women to express their views/feelings/opinions etc. Sorry if you don't feel like my (like you said) "disappointment" is valid enough to make it onto this site. If you didn't like what you saw from the title you could have simply scrolled on by.

Well if you had taken any time to search or be part of this community you would know there's already been a post like this. And it didn't go over well. At all.

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

Pontot31 said:

NadiaJ825 said:

Pontot31 said:
But you have a 50/50 chance. Why are you envisioning one sex over the other and planning for it with out knowing for sure? That's what I don't get.

This is my second pregnancy. I have a girl already. I don't find out the sex of this baby for another week and a half.
Would having a boy and a girl be great- yes! Would having 2 girls be great- yes! I'm happy either way, as long as I have a healthy baby.
Why set yourself up for "disappointment" knowing you have no control? I can't even write disappointment with out the quotes because I think it's so absurd to be voicing your disappointment in a place like this.
A place like this? LOL! Last time I checked the bump was a place for pregnant women to express their views/feelings/opinions etc. Sorry if you don't feel like my (like you said) "disappointment" is valid enough to make it onto this site. If you didn't like what you saw from the title you could have simply scrolled on by.

Well if you had taken any time to search or be part of this community you would know there's already been a post like this. And it didn't go over well. At all.

And who the heck are you? If you haven't noticed people are posting every minute! Who really has that much time on their hands to scroll through all of those posts? Just to read how judgmental women can be to someone because they feel her feelings are illogical? I'll pass!

gumby22c · July 2015

Add me to the list of those who will never understand this. We TTC for 5+ years and I'm just thrilled to #1 actually BE pregnant and #2 to have a healthy baby right now. I don't give a damn what between its legs. While I can semi-understand be slightly disappointed over the sex if its something you really built up in your head, when you need to make a post over it because you are that upset, that's taking it a bit far in my book. Be thankful for a healthy baby. And your journey really makes no difference in terms of it being ok with being so disappointed over the sex to me. No journey really makes it ok for that in my book.

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

tobitheotran said:
I have 2 boys and a girl and I'm expecting another girl right now. I can tell you this, a son's love is nothing like that of a daughter's. My boys are 17 and 14 and they are the biggest babies ever. Boys have a special kind of love for their mommies. You will enjoy your son. Be happy happy!

Thank you! I know once I feel more profound kicks I'll feel differently. I know I've been blessed with exactly what I need I just have to get used to the idea of having a little messy boy! Lol. I appreciate your positive vibes!

NadiaJ825 · July 2015

gumby22c said:
Add me to the list of those who will never understand this. We TTC for 5+ years and I'm just thrilled to #1 actually BE pregnant and #2 to have a healthy baby right now. I don't give a damn what between its legs.

While I can semi-understand be slightly disappointed over the sex if its something you really built up in your head, when you need to make a post over it because you are that upset, that's taking it a bit far in my book.

Be thankful for a healthy baby. And your journey really makes no difference in terms of it being ok with being so disappointed over the sex to me. No journey really makes it ok for that in my book.

Thank God I don't live by your "book". Just because I'm disappointed I didn't get what I've been dreaming of doesn't mean I'm not thankful.

jasbaby2 · July 2015

NadiaJ825 said:

I can't relate to this at all. This is my DH and I 3rd pregnancy, hopefully first successful. Before finding out the sex we discussed both sexes. During my sisters ballet recital we talked about how fun it would be to have a daughter in dance in a couple years, and we talked about how fun it is to watch rough and tumble little boys play. We talked about names for both sexes. At 13 weeks we found out we are having a boy, which was just icing after being told the genetic testing was negative. We honestly would have been thrilled either way. My anatomy scan is next week, I am always worried they won't find a heart beat or they will find some abnormality. I guess it's a blessing for the sex of your healthy baby to be your biggest problem during pregnancy.
This is where we are. We have a six year old boy and over the last two years have experienced a chemical pregnancy and two miscarriages. The anxiety surrounding ultrasounds is so great I am in a panic for about 24 hrs before. I cried when we got good nipt results back especially because our last loss was due to a Chromosome abnormality. Finding out we are having a girl was just some extra fun. I don't blame anyone for their feelings though and I think it's hard to understand that a healthy baby isn't a given until you've been on that other side of things. If your biggest worry is the sex of the baby then I envy you.
No need to envy me. Like I've stated a little while ago to someone else you don't know what complications I've been through. You only know what I've shared.

You're right, I have no idea what you've been through. I apologize for trying to find a way to relate and be understanding with a topic that seems quite juvenile to me. Next time I won't bother.

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