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October 2015 Moms
VioletandRose
member
Divorced family stress
VioletandRose
member
I posted a bit about this before and am just doing a little venting. And maybe looking for some advice...just indulge me.
My parents had a very messy divorce a few years ago. It is a very long, complicated story. My father didn't cheat on my mother, per-se, but he began seeing the woman who is now my stepmother while he and my mom were separated, which led to the divorce being extra messy. My mom and dad haven't spoken in 3 years, nor have my mom and stepmother ever even seen one another. This will be the first grandchild for all, and everyone is excited, but the whole thing is causing me such anxiety and I'm not sure how to tell anyone about it.
At the moment, the issue at hand is the baby shower. Originally my 2 SILs offered to throw the shower. When I told both my mom and step mother about this, they asked if they could contact them to "help." At the time, my stepmother believed my mom would not be involved, because my mom doesn't have much (or any) family. The guests will mostly consist of my friends, my dad's family, and my fiancee's family. Well, my mom DOES want to be involved, and actually offered to my SILs to pay for the majority of the shower. Apparently it is going to be very elaborate and fancy...partly because that's how my mom does things, and partly because she is clearly and thoroughly trying to impress my stepmother by throwing a spectacular party.
My SILs are wonderful and not involving me in anything. All I know is that they've spoken to both my mom and stepmom. They haven't told me anything. I do not know what my stepmom offered to do, and I don't want to ask them because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or like they are in the middle of my family drama. My mom is extremely excited about the shower, and talks about it all the time, without giving me any real details. Well, I just got a text from my stepmom telling me she needs to call me tonight to "chat" about the shower. I don't know why and frankly, I don't want to talk about it, and wish everyone would settle any drama amongst themselves while leaving me out of it. It doesn't help that my stepmom thoroughly considers herself as a "grandparent" to my child. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
How do I approach this? I would like to avoid any awkward conversation about my mom and in a nice way, just want to tell her to suck it up, go to the shower and get on with life.
This is hard. All I want to do is have a baby, lol. Thanks guys.
My parents had a very messy divorce a few years ago. It is a very long, complicated story. My father didn't cheat on my mother, per-se, but he began seeing the woman who is now my stepmother while he and my mom were separated, which led to the divorce being extra messy. My mom and dad haven't spoken in 3 years, nor have my mom and stepmother ever even seen one another. This will be the first grandchild for all, and everyone is excited, but the whole thing is causing me such anxiety and I'm not sure how to tell anyone about it.
At the moment, the issue at hand is the baby shower. Originally my 2 SILs offered to throw the shower. When I told both my mom and step mother about this, they asked if they could contact them to "help." At the time, my stepmother believed my mom would not be involved, because my mom doesn't have much (or any) family. The guests will mostly consist of my friends, my dad's family, and my fiancee's family. Well, my mom DOES want to be involved, and actually offered to my SILs to pay for the majority of the shower. Apparently it is going to be very elaborate and fancy...partly because that's how my mom does things, and partly because she is clearly and thoroughly trying to impress my stepmother by throwing a spectacular party.
My SILs are wonderful and not involving me in anything. All I know is that they've spoken to both my mom and stepmom. They haven't told me anything. I do not know what my stepmom offered to do, and I don't want to ask them because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or like they are in the middle of my family drama. My mom is extremely excited about the shower, and talks about it all the time, without giving me any real details. Well, I just got a text from my stepmom telling me she needs to call me tonight to "chat" about the shower. I don't know why and frankly, I don't want to talk about it, and wish everyone would settle any drama amongst themselves while leaving me out of it. It doesn't help that my stepmom thoroughly considers herself as a "grandparent" to my child. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
How do I approach this? I would like to avoid any awkward conversation about my mom and in a nice way, just want to tell her to suck it up, go to the shower and get on with life.
This is hard. All I want to do is have a baby, lol. Thanks guys.
Re: Divorced family stress
Anyhoo, after a total disaster college graduation party, (I am the first of ANY family to graduate college) I told my parents I'm tired of being put in the middle. It was such a difficult conversation to have but I finally had to stand up for myself.
It was directed strictly to my dad and stepmom because they are just straight up a-holes about anything to do with my mom and stepdad but I told everyone to be fair and clear.
I'd make a clear list of point you want to address, example: not being put in the middle (give examples), it's not your responsibility to be the communicator between sides, etc.
it's rough but it felt so good to wash my hands of it. I highly suggest you lay it all out. Babies only make divorces that much more complicated. For real.
When she calls tonight, approach the conversation in a positive light, instead of assuming it's drama. If it turns into drama, quickly interrupt and explain you don't want to be put into the middle of any issues or problems. The shower should be fun and you are looking forward to it. Period.
So far, it seems like everyone is getting along fine, from what you've said, but your assuming their is drama and issues they aren't telling you about. Which is stressing you out. Don't be. They are adults, this is not your problems to deal with.
As for the stepmother grandmother thing....she is a grandparent. I grew up with a step-grandmother. They were married before I was born, and actually WAS the woman my grandfather cheated with. I loved her, she loved me and was a wonderful woman. Holidays and birthdays were never awkward. She and my grandmother could sit at family events and even chat. I was in high school before I realized all the past drama. It made me respect all of them all the more for putting their differences and crap aside for their grandkids.
I also agree with pp don't assumed the worse!
It's possible that she's calling about something minor, but from what I know, not very likely. I know that food, venue, etc, have all been decided. And since my SILs who are in charge aren't saying a word to me about it, I don't think they'd give my stepmom an assignment where I'd need to have input. I guess I'm just thinking that my stepmom got word that my mom is (heavily) involved, and now doesn't know how to proceed. Maybe she doesn't want to step on her toes. I guess we'll see. I was just so freaked out that she wanted to "chat" with me about it that I assumed the worst. (ass+u+me = .... )
Moral of the story, I just need to put my big girl panties on, stop whining, and deal with this, whether I like it or not!