Not with the Father- Relationship Advice Needed

morganakeene · June 2015

I recently posted about how my boyfriend wanted a paternity test since we have been only together 3 months. Back story short version: We are best friends and decided we wanted to date and boom baby happened. (Adding to post) Yes the baby is his. He has concerns because before we decided to date I was lightly seeing another man. Dating 3 months and baby is 6 weeks so there is no possible way it could be anyone else's.

Thing is now he is saying we should probably just go back to being friends but co-raise the baby together. But he was at my house ALL weekend (slept over alll 3 nights) and we are still having sex and acting very relationship like.

Is this just another freak out and way to distance himself from me and the baby? Should I even pay attention to the fact he is saying he wants out of the relationship or focus on the actions? I know actions usually speak louder than words but it is a bit hurtful to hear considering we are really close and just found out we are having a baby.

Thanks in advance.

kayjay44 · June 2015

morganakeene said:

I recently posted about how my boyfriend wanted a paternity test since we have been only together 3 months. Back story short version: We are best friends and decided we wanted to date and boom baby happened.
Thing is now he is saying we should probably just go back to being friends but co-raise the baby together. But he was at my house ALL weekend (slept over alll 3 nights) and we are still having sex and acting very relationship like.
Is this just another freak out and way to distance himself from me and the baby? Should I even pay attention to the fact he is saying he wants out of the relationship or focus on the actions? I know actions usually speak louder than words but it is a bit hurtful to hear considering we are really close and just found out we are having a baby.
Thanks in advance.

Honestly? I'd talk to him. That's the only advice I can really give here. I'd also see if maybe he'd consider seeing a counselor together. Hopefully you're able to get some less confusing answers out of him.

mamaek · June 2015

Sorry you're going through this. I highly recommend you seek professional counseling (for a lot of reasons. One of them being that everyone will give you a different opinion based on their view but at the end only you know what's best for you). Wishing you the best.

ACleanLife24 · June 2015

So is the baby his? At least you should know the answer....

You need to grow up and put the baby first now. You both got yourself in a bad situation but you need to find a way to create a stable home for the next 20+ years so this whole high school does he like me/not thing needs to stop real fast. He is probably feeling like you have "trapped" him (I mean using effective contraception isn't that hard for either party) and is emotionally guarded (and financially if he is demanding a test!)

morganakeene · June 2015

Yes the baby is his. I have added that fact to the original post.

VitaLuna · June 2015

Do you mind me asking how old you are? I agree with counseling, even at the basic level, and a really heart to heart talk with him. Either way, if he says he doesn't want a relationship, that needs to be it. No booty calls, no sleepovers, etc. It's one or the other.

ecmb · June 2015

Agree with PPs. If he wants to go back to being "just friends" and wants to co-parent the baby then he does not get the perks of exclusive boyfriend: no more sex, no more sleepovers, etc.

Sorry you are going through this but be strong and good to yourself.

txbrideinblue · June 2015

Don't sleep with him if he doesn't want a relationship. That will simplify things real quick.

morganakeene · June 2015

I am 22. He is 35. I have one prior child, Arden, who is 2 from my ex-husband. We divorced earlier this year.

morganakeene · June 2015

I usually refrain from putting my age on here because people jump to conclusions. Even though I'm 22 I have a good job, I am college educated, and I run my own home so it is not a question of financial stability in order to raise another child or not.

ACleanLife24 · June 2015

VitaLuna said:

Do you mind me asking how old you are? I agree with counseling, even at the basic level, and a really heart to heart talk with him. Either way, if he says he doesn't want a relationship, that needs to be it. No booty calls, no sleepovers, etc. It's one or the other.

Something about a milk and a cow should go here

ACleanLife24 · June 2015

morganakeene said:

I usually refrain from putting my age on here because people jump to conclusions. Even though I'm 22 I have a good job, I am college educated, and I run my own home so it is not a question of financial stability in order to raise another child or not.

Financially stability does not imply emotional stability... and with a baby at 20, divorced at 22, KU in 3 months by a "sort of boyfriend"... I really think you need to take a step back and look at the big picture. Particularly with another child in the picture. FFS I am 31 with multiple degrees, a job, a husband, a house and I am shitting myself about how to make this all work...

VitaLuna · June 2015

You're older than I thought, and he definitely is, too. Do you have custody of the 2yr old? Not that you asked, but I'd definitely be more concerned about what you're teaching/doing to her right now with this whole back and forth you're doing. Your child(ren) should ALWAYS be your first priority.. Not your relationships.

morganakeene · June 2015

I have sole custody of my daughter, yes. She loves Jason (my boyfriend). He is very good with her.

VitaLuna · June 2015

morganakeene said:
I have sole custody of my daughter, yes. She loves Jason (my boyfriend). He is very good with her.

Even more reason why you need to get your sh*t straight. Your BF/fck buddy/friend clearly has an impact on your daughter and, again, she should come first.

raychelmarie33 · June 2015

I think if he doesn't want a relationship then you should follow suit and try to refrain from acting like a couple and sleeping with him. It'll just confuse both of your emotions and will probably cause problems and hurt feelings down the road at some point.
Congrats to you for otherwise being in a stable situation for your current baby and one on the way! Try to do what's best for your baby and don't forget to keep the respect for yourself as well.

RMLandy · June 2015

Stop having sex with him and letting him sleep over. Once you've done that, have a serious conversation with him and seek counseling.

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