Not with the Father- Relationship Advice Needed — The Bump
February 2016 Moms

Not with the Father- Relationship Advice Needed

morganakeenemorganakeene
25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper Photogenic
member
edited June 2015 in February 2016 Moms
I recently posted about how my boyfriend wanted a paternity test since we have been only together 3 months. Back story short version: We are best friends and decided we wanted to date and boom baby happened. (Adding to post) Yes the baby is his. He has concerns because before we decided to date I was lightly seeing another man. Dating 3 months and baby is 6 weeks so there is no possible way it could be anyone else's. 
Thing is now he is saying we should probably just go back to being friends but co-raise the baby together. But he was at my house ALL weekend (slept over alll 3 nights) and we are still having sex and acting very relationship like. 
Is this just another freak out and way to distance himself from me and the baby? Should I even pay attention to the fact he is saying he wants out of the relationship or focus on the actions? I know actions usually speak louder than words but it is a bit hurtful to hear considering we are really close and just found out we are having a baby.
Thanks in advance.

Re: Not with the Father- Relationship Advice Needed

  • kayjay44kayjay44
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited June 2015
    I recently posted about how my boyfriend wanted a paternity test since we have been only together 3 months. Back story short version: We are best friends and decided we wanted to date and boom baby happened. 
    Thing is now he is saying we should probably just go back to being friends but co-raise the baby together. But he was at my house ALL weekend (slept over alll 3 nights) and we are still having sex and acting very relationship like. 
    Is this just another freak out and way to distance himself from me and the baby? Should I even pay attention to the fact he is saying he wants out of the relationship or focus on the actions? I know actions usually speak louder than words but it is a bit hurtful to hear considering we are really close and just found out we are having a baby.
    Thanks in advance.
    Honestly? I'd talk to him. That's the only advice I can really give here. I'd also see if maybe he'd consider seeing a counselor together. Hopefully you're able to get some less confusing answers out of him.

    KBJ-SEJ married 8.18.2012
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    CuriousKiddosMamaACleanLife24lauren0571pai314
  • mamaekmamaek
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Sorry you're going through this. I highly recommend you seek professional counseling (for a lot of reasons. One of them being that everyone will give you a different opinion based on their view but at the end only you know what's best for you). Wishing you the best.
    ACleanLife24DizzyMom1
  • So is the baby his?  At least you should know the answer....

    You need to grow up and put the baby first now.  You both got yourself in a bad situation but you need to find a way to create a stable home for the next 20+ years so this whole high school does he like me/not thing needs to stop real fast.  He is probably feeling like you have "trapped" him (I mean using effective contraception isn't that hard for either party) and is emotionally guarded (and financially if he is demanding a test!)
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    kmcc14
  • Yes the baby is his. I have added that fact to the original post. 
  • Do you mind me asking how old you are? I agree with counseling, even at the basic level, and a really heart to heart talk with him. Either way, if he says he doesn't want a relationship, that needs to be it. No booty calls, no sleepovers, etc. It's one or the other.

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    ACleanLife24wassuphoes[Deleted User]wagvan
  • ecmbecmb
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    Agree with PPs. If he wants to go back to being "just friends" and wants to co-parent the baby then he does not get the perks of exclusive boyfriend: no more sex, no more sleepovers, etc.

    Sorry you are going through this but be strong and good to yourself.

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    [Deleted User]lauren0571
  • Don't sleep with him if he doesn't want a relationship. That will simplify things real quick.
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    ACleanLife24ecmb[Deleted User]serendipity216
  • I am 22. He is 35. I have one prior child, Arden, who is 2 from my ex-husband. We divorced earlier this year. 
  • I usually refrain from putting my age on here because people jump to conclusions. Even though I'm 22 I have a good job, I am college educated, and I run my own home so it is not a question of financial stability in order to raise another child or not. 
    lauren0571
  • VitaLuna said:
    Do you mind me asking how old you are? I agree with counseling, even at the basic level, and a really heart to heart talk with him. Either way, if he says he doesn't want a relationship, that needs to be it. No booty calls, no sleepovers, etc. It's one or the other.
    Something about a milk and a cow should go here
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        A rugby playing scientist and educator who is looking to solve metabolic and age related diseases through research



    kayjay44VitaLuna[Deleted User]BirdsofParadise86
  • I usually refrain from putting my age on here because people jump to conclusions. Even though I'm 22 I have a good job, I am college educated, and I run my own home so it is not a question of financial stability in order to raise another child or not. 
    Financially stability does not imply emotional stability... and with a baby at 20, divorced at 22, KU in 3 months by a "sort of boyfriend"... I really think you need to take a step back and look at the big picture.  Particularly with another child in the picture.  FFS I am 31 with multiple degrees, a job, a husband, a house and I am shitting myself about how to make this all work... 
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    imageimage image
        A rugby playing scientist and educator who is looking to solve metabolic and age related diseases through research



    notasycophantkerismatic
  • VitaLunaVitaLuna
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Answers 2500 Comments 500 Love Its
    member
    edited June 2015
    You're older than I thought, and he definitely is, too. Do you have custody of the 2yr old? Not that you asked, but I'd definitely be more concerned about what you're teaching/doing to her right now with this whole back and forth you're doing. Your child(ren) should ALWAYS be your first priority.. Not your relationships.

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    kayjay44ACleanLife24
  • I have sole custody of my daughter, yes. She loves Jason (my boyfriend). He is very good with her. 
  • I have sole custody of my daughter, yes. She loves Jason (my boyfriend). He is very good with her. 

    Even more reason why you need to get your sh*t straight. Your BF/fck buddy/friend clearly has an impact on your daughter and, again, she should come first.

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    kayjay44ACleanLife24kerismatic
  • I think if he doesn't want a relationship then you should follow suit and try to refrain from acting like a couple and sleeping with him. It'll just confuse both of your emotions and will probably cause problems and hurt feelings down the road at some point.
    Congrats to you for otherwise being in a stable situation for your current baby and one on the way! Try to do what's best for your baby and don't forget to keep the respect for yourself as well.
    lauren0571
  • Stop having sex with him and letting him sleep over. Once you've done that, have a serious conversation with him and seek counseling.
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