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November 2015 Moms
ohmyminniejean
member
Unusual Universal Topic of Controversy... Please Read & Respond!
ohmyminniejean
member
re
Re: Unusual Universal Topic of Controversy... Please Read & Respond!
I have no idea how full custody works, but what if you change your mind later and want the baby back?
Idk. This is the first time in my life where I can honestly say, "I literally can't even."
Secondly, you really should have thought about all your hopes and dreams before up & deciding to be "fertile" ... There are plenty of moms and dads that get degrees while being single parents.
Whilst we cannot have it all, something that I have accepted and the main reason I have waited until 36 to have a baby, I think you can still live your dreams and be a good parent, you just need to adjust your dreams slightly.
The good thing is, you are not making this decision blind. You know how the father of the child is behaving and is likely to behave in the future, so you can make your decision with that in mind.
If pursuing your dreams is top of your priority list and you are willing to allow your child to be brought up by a man who has those feelings towards you and will expose your child to those feelings on a daily basis, then you should go ahead and choose to put your career first.
But the fact that you are questioning it means that you are clearly not comfortable.
IMO, your career aspirations seem a little unrealistic to begin with. Sonography, interior design and architecture couldn't be further afield from each other if they tried. I'm an HR Director, I'd love to do a course in beauty therapy, but that isn't going to happen, because the 2 don't enhance each other. I had to pick one direction.
If I'm very honest, you sound confused in life in general. You want to be successful, but have so many ideas you haven't been able to settle on one. And unless you settle on one and follow it whole heartedly, you are likely to fail on all counts. People who are highly successful set themselves a clearly defined path to follow with mile markers and realistic goals that stretch them but are still achievable. They aren't wonderers. At the moment you are a wonderer and have too many paths you want to follow.
I wouldn't make any rash decisions in your position. You sound like you're having a moment of blind panic right now. You're worried that life is over and to an extent you may be right. Your life as you knew it may be over, BUT life adapts. You may actually love the way your life changes if you give it a chance.
You have some great advice on here from PPs. Take it to heart.
Not sure if I missed it or if you mentioned it but I am curious how far along you are. I think the farther along you go, the more attached you will get to your baby. Wait until your baby is born as that moment is sureal and you may decide to keep your baby.
You can obtain your goals and dreams with a child. Like one of the pp's said, they just need to be altered a bit. Good luck.
I'm so drained of this notion that when you have a baby your life is over, it doesn't have to be that way. Baby is coming into YOUR world, not the other way around. Is there going to be compromises that need to be made? Of course(!), but that doesn't mean your life needs to stop. Some women are totally fine with settling down and spending as much time with their babies, some go back to work and school (which as of right now is my plan) and I know a few that took it upon themselves to travel or move to reset opportunities; The choices are really yours; You don't have to make this specific decision even a choice, but if you do decide to give full custody to Dad, just realize there is a HUGE finality of that decision. It will not be easy to get parental rights back.
Best of luck to you, I hope you feel at peace with whatever decision you make!
Married 9/28/13
DS born 11/12/15
EDD 8/13/18
Also the title is just bizarre.
Honestly, from what I am reading, it sounds like you want to leave your child with a man you know is controlling, manipulative, and degrading, so that you can go pursue your own dreams.
It comes off very selfish. You made the choice to have unprotected sex, knowing you could become pregnant. You made that choice, and now you need to be responsible for your actions. Your life is no longer about you, you are no longer the most important person, your child is.
This does not mean you cannot achieve your goals, it just means it will take a little extra work, and prioritizing goals.
I literally CAN'T EVEN.
(If I was awesome I would insert dumbfounded gif here ... Preferably that Britney Spears one. No, never mind... Judge Judy belongs here)
1. The dude who fathered your baby is an emotionally abusive (albeit rich) jerk with mommy issues who will almost certainly try to turn your baby against you...
2. ...But you are thinking about giving him full custody of your baby so you can fulfill your dream of becoming a sonographer/interior designer/architect/dolphin trainer/astronaut?
The fact that you let this dude put his penis in you tells me that you do not have good judgment, at least where he is concerned. Do not give him full custody of your baby. And please consider discussing some of these issues with a therapist or neutral third party who can offer you rational, unbiased life advice.
That being said, how many women on here have stayed at school or work while being pregnant and then continued once baby was born? I've managed to earn an associates degree and become a certified pharmacy technician while pregnant/raising a toddler. And I'm currently in school to get my bachelors with no intention of stopping even though I'm pregnant. If you use pregnancy as an excuse to not become something more, that's your own fault.
I train horses for a living and left my 5yr old sons father when my son was just 13 months old. I also was a competitive barrel racer. I traveled the country after I left my sons father and my baby went everywhere with me. Yes, it was hard at times. I had lots of friends on the road that helped but I came up from no support system as well. Also, all my family lives in Illinois and when my son was 2.5 I packed up all of our things and moved to Texas to continue pursuing my dreams... Also, I went to court. My sons "donor" didn't really give two whopps about his child but I went through court to ensure my son be in the healthiest, safest, loving environment possible. My son and I have a bond no person in this world could break. Long story short... You absolutely CAN pursue your dreams and be a mother as well. Being a mother doesn't mean your life is over and this is the end.. It's only the beginning. On the other hand, the fact that your even having the thought to give up custody... Maybe you should..
Married 9/28/13
DS born 11/12/15
EDD 8/13/18
If im out here working my butt off in WHATEVER job field i decide to work in, making sure my child has everything, paying child support, making regular visits, making sure he knows who i am, WHY am i so wrong ?? There are fathers out here who DO NOT CARE what these ratchet baby moms say or how they treat them, they STILL make sure their children know them & love them, no matter how rude & mean they are. Why is it so bad if the roles are switched? So what if he doesnt like me?? SO WHAT? The courts will have the say so on how things go down. Smh, the advice is great BUT so ONE TRACK MINDED....
You made a child. Your life has change and so have your priorities. I would sacrifice anything for my child. If I have to struggle for them I will. It is not about you anymore. And you can still do both. There is no reason why you can't get whatever degree you want and raise your baby. I am raising 3 and getting my degree.
But seriously if you think he would be a better parent than you than you should let him raise the child. And that is why a lot of fathers leave kids with mom, they think they are the better parent.
I'm not even sure why talking crap about mom or dad is even part of it.
On another note there are a lot of people who decide on adoption because they just were not ready to have a baby yet. (For a lot if the reasons you listed) There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. You can have open adoptions. Bottom line do what's right for the baby, not what's right for you and baby daddy.
Again you chose to have this child, as you previously states. He said "have my baby", and you said "ok". You don't get to skirt your responsibility just because you have realized it is inconvenient. You should have though about your dreams and aspirations prior to letting him stick his penis in.
You asked if it was OK to give custody (whether legal or physical) to your verbally abusive baby daddy, to which every poster said no. You can't be upset just because you didn't hear what you wanted, and perhaps this is a sign you need to reevaluate your position. While it is admirable that you have raised your niece, that does not give you a pass on your own child.
Yes you are being selfish. You were enough of a adult to make the decision to make a baby so grow up and take the responsibility and raise it. Don't run away because it would be easier for you.
What will your child think when it gets older? My mom didn't want to raise me because it was going to be to hard for her. She wanted to travel the world instead of see me grow up.
Gold star for you!
Woah there! First of all your title says to read and respond. Now you are getting heated because people are responding. By the way, real nice deleting your original post.
Honestly you are not going to find many people on here who will agree with your decision. Most of us want a baby and have been trying for a long time to conceive. So yes, you're going to get the "one track minded" opinions. You may want to seek advice elsewhere like your family, a therapist, or planned parenthood. I've never heard of only giving someone physical custody and not legal custody. You must be very young to just want to give your baby to someone so you can live your dreams and be a kid.