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Advice Needed: In-laws & belly touching

MirandaC1984MirandaC1984 member
edited June 2015 in October 2015 Moms
We will be going to visit my in-laws next week for the first time since they've known I am pregnant. They live about 12 hours away so we only see them a few times a year. I tend to be a more hands-off type of person in general. It makes me really uncomfortable that when we say goodbye, my MIL kisses me on the cheek. I don't mind a hug but the kiss freaks me out. I know, I'm weird. My FIL will sometimes make comments that make me uncomfortable or her will linger longer than appropriate when hugging me. I've never said anything to them for fear of hurting feelings.  That being said, I know they will want to touch my belly and I was wondering how should I approach asking them not to? This is the first grandbaby and I know they are over the moon excited but it really makes me uncomfortable. Also, is it unreasonable to deny them feeling him kick ect.? I don't' want to hurt feelings but I also want to feel comfortable. 
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Re: Advice Needed: In-laws & belly touching

  • VioletandRoseVioletandRose member
    I ran into this situation with my step mother. I never really thought about others asking to touch my belly; it hasn't happened to me yet – except for her. And it made me feel so uncomfortable for some reason. I just told her that the baby doesn't kick hard enough yet to feel it from the outside, and changed the subject. I think she got the hint.
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  • jenspeakejenspeake member
    I'm the same way you are.  My family wasn't very touchy feely growing up so it's weird when my sister and I hug!  And even saying that is weird to me and sad!  I'm the opposite though with my husband or my nieces/nephews.  Just with parents and siblings and friends.  I have friends that like to kiss goodbye and it's always uncomfortable and I just turn away, etc.  And I don't want my family (DH and soon to be son) to be that way.  It is weird when people touch my belly but as long as it is someone I'm comfortable with I let it happen.  I like making others happy and if feeling my belly gives them some enjoyment and feel closer to the baby then I'm ok with it!  I'll get over it!  My sister wasn't a big belly toucher when she was pregnant but we had a friend who had never felt a baby move before and my sister was so glad that she did it and it made my friends day and seeing her excitement was awesome!  I don't know my in laws very well either as they live out of town so I'm not close with them but want them to feel involved.  I wouldn't want to deny them feeling close tot they baby.  The only thing I can think of to dissuade it is to wear a very oversized top....if they can't see the bump it's probably harder to try to want to feel it.  Or if you see them going in for the grab turn around and if they ask just tell them you aren't comfortable with it.  No one can force that on you.  Sorry if this isn't very helpful just giving my perspective!
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  • lucky1187lucky1187 member
    Geese, I understand not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, but they should be concerned with your feelings. That would irritate me, just say you feel sick when people touch you.
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  • MirandaC1984MirandaC1984 member
    I'm a little nervous about the entire visit to be honest. We'll see how it goes. Great advice ladies. Thank you!
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  • lucky1187lucky1187 member
    Oh and you won't be denying anyone anything, that little person is yours. So is your body, if you don't like it, and I don't truly know one mama that does, tell them. Or awkwardly run to the bathroom, anything that doesn't upset you. Do what is best for you, and your baby.
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  • gogracegograce member
    I love when my mom talks to my belly and tries to feel for Baby when he moves. She's so over the moon to be a grandmother. I wish my in-laws expressed the same excitement. I'm about to go on vacation with them for a week, so if I mention that Baby is moving my MIL will ask to feel.
    I wouldn't want my in-laws to just grab my belly, though. It is rude. I feel like it's something you have to be invited to do. If I was in your shoes, I'd have my husband talk to his parents. That's how most things get handled if I'm feeling uncomfortable or something. Good luck!! I hope your visit goes well.
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  • jenspeakejenspeake member
    I agree!  I'm ok with it if they ask first....I've had a total stranger go in for the grab and that took me by surprise!  It's usually the side wise head bob following by "Awe!  Can I touch!?"  Or go with the zingers thread and if they reach for baby reach out to something inappropriate on them!    ;)
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  • dparker721dparker721 member
    @BrooklynBroussard, that is a pet peeve of mine too! My parents weren't very touchy feely people but I have distinct memories of my grandmother making me hug her bye, along with her friends, etc. when I would see them...she still does it to this day and I cringe every time. That might make me weird, but because she made me do it, I hated it.

    I will make sure my children have manners, but they will not have to hug or kiss people they don't want to.
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  • MirandaC1984MirandaC1984 member
    saraking437 said:

    I'm in the same boat with my MIL. We only see her a couple of times a year so I wondered if I should say anything. However, she is a notorious line crosser, so I am TRYING to set boundaries and be firm even with the little things that make me uncomfortable. Maybe have your husband ask them not to touch your belly ahead of time?


    I decided this was really important when I started having feelings of anxiety just thinking about my MIL holding our daughter when she arrives. I couldn't figure out why I felt okay about my FIL and other family holding her, but got anxiety thinking about my MIL even being in the same room. I think it's because she does blatantly cross lines with me, and I've seen her completely disrespect rules/boundaries that my husband's step sister had in place for her children. So I feel like if she does something with my baby that makes me uncomfortable, she won't listen when I ask her not to. And then I will FREAK and jump out of that hospital bed like a ninja and then call security. Haha, I don't want to do that. I'm hoping that being really firm and creating boundaries with even the little things that bother me will make her respect me and wishes more. I want her to enjoy her first grandchild and I know she's excited, but at the end of the day it's my child, my body etc. 

    I don't know if you are having any feelings like that as well, but maybe this helps in some way? Either way, stand your ground (its YOUR body) and good luck! :)  
    YES!!! I feel very much the same way. My husband and I have talked at length about setting boundaries with her already. Still anxious obviously. Good luck to you!
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  • anelaliianelalii member
    I actually feel like it's kind of rude to not hug and kiss family. I come from a culture where everyone hugs and kisses each other on the cheeks. It's just a way to show love and affection. I get that some people get weirded out, but I would never bring it up. I think it's something you'll have to get used to.
    I haven't had any weird experiences with people trying to touch my belly. I expect family to want to, and that doesn't bother me at all. I love being able to share my experience with them.
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  • lanaloulittlelanaloulittle member
    I, also, was not raised all touchy feely. When my husband and I first started dating his mother got offended that I did not hug her every time she walked into a room (and I am not even kidding). My husband explained that I wasn't comfortable with that and she quickly got it. I mean, I don't even enjoy pda with him so others bothers me. Anyways, the first time she came over when I had an actual belly I had my husband politely tell her that I would not be comfortable with the excessive touching. He told her she could touch once, and that was it. She completely understood and actually didn't touch the belly at all. So honestly, I'd have your so warn them before hand and maybe set a limit. People usually understand if you let them know politely.
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  • jenb0203jenb0203 member
    @BrooklynBroussard I whole heartedly agree. This is your body and your baby not the general public. I always say no that's ok when my nephew doesn't want to hug me goodbye sometimes he just doesn't want to. It's one thing to teach manners but it is another to make them give out hugs or kisses.
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  • kindlycrystalkindlycrystal member
    My immediate family was not very touchy-feely and I was a very shy child, so I never was really comfortable hugging or kissing relatives I was not close with. I'm an affectionate person with a select few, but belly touching kind of weirds me out a bit. The only person I am ok with is my husband, and he only does it rarely or when I invite him to. I haven't had many experiences with people randomly touching my stomach, but I've found that if you are not a person I hug upon seeing, then I don't like it when you touch me. 
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  • brittanispearsbrittanispears member
    I'm in the same boat with the OP. A few weeks ago, I told my MIL I don't like when people touch my stomach and she got so upset that she hasn't spoken to me since. No love lost, to be honest. But it's MY body. And if she wants to see the baby, she'll respect my wishes. If it had been the first time I'd said anything, I could understand. But when I first found out I was pregnant (and I wasn't showing), she INSISTED on touching my stomach. My own mother doesn't even touch my stomach without permission. If she asked, like most of the people who've wanted to, I couldn't be mad. She already knows how I feel and is determined to do it anyway. She's the type that holds year-long grudges, too. I honestly don't care. I have bigger fish to fry.

    If your in-laws can't get over themselves and really get offended that you feel uncomfortable, just keep moving. They'll get over it eventually.
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  • SballerinaSballerina member
    We have a right to feel safe in our own skins, pregnant or not. There may be cultural or family habits or expectations regarding physical affection. Hugs, kisses on the cheek, etc. all have the capacity to be safe and appropriate. HOWEVER, the reality is that individual people react to touch, and different kinds of touch, differently. That is shaped by personality, personal preference for and against touching, negative or positive experiences, etc. This means when different cultures or families meet due to marriage or other relationships, there is often times a need to talk about things that are naturally assumed to be the norm in terms of physical affection in each of the families. It is legitimate if you come from a family that did not hug/kiss to feel uncomfortable when you join one who does, and they automatically interact with you that way. The opposite can also be true: those used to hugs/kisses might feel a family who doesn't is cold in their reception of them.

    I think it is natural that in laws may be so used to how they do things that it doesn't even occur to them that the person who married their child could be used to something much different. So in your case, the hugs/kisses may be something they do to show love and acceptance; they may think this is the natural a way to include you! So I say talk with them and just be honest. Acknowledge that that is their custom and you can appreciate that it is, but it wasn't your family's, and it makes you feel uncomfortable because it's new to you or whatever. Articulate what you're ok with, for example short hugs but not kisses from MIL, and not long hugs from FIL, and not touching your stomach.

    When I was little I think I was asked by my mom or other family to hug and kiss. Sometimes it felt ok, sometimes it felt uncomfortable. I remember one instance when my uncle wanted me to hug him or something. I believe I did so but felt a little uncomfortable because his shirt was partially unbuttoned or something. I was around 6. Now I was ultimately safe and it was an innocent hug. But it makes me kind of agree with @BrooklynBroussard's position regarding expectation for children to hug and kiss relatives. I think it can interfere with the child learning their own process of how to evaluate who safe people are. They will rely on their parents alot for that, but in this age of sexual abuse being so prevalent, please let the child decide. Teach them manners but don't force them to show or communicate affection they are uncomrtable with! My nuclear family was not physically expressive, and my mom often said little things here and there that suggested hugging my dad was not ok. I got an undertone from her that hugs were not appropriate; they could be great big doorways to inappropriate things. That just caused me to think she was saying hugs were unsafe. It has taken me years to realize that overall, hugs are safe and I do like them, but I had to relearn that they are usually safe!
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  • SashaAMVSashaAMV member
    Can you tell them that you will let them know when they can touch your belly and feel something? That puts you in the driver's seat on making the overture. Maybe you could tell them that the baby is shy and has not reacted well to people touching your belly (stops moving, burrows deeper inside you / away from touch). I just think if you make it about the baby you will have more control than if you make it about you (you are not wrong to tell people not to touch you, but even when you are right there are always social effects to consider...) .

    I am not touchy feely either but I told my in laws that if they ask first they will mostly be given the ok to touch the belly. I did jokingly (but not entirely) say that anyone who does not ask permission would be swatted away fiercely. That got back to DH's grandma and her unsolicited belly rubs stopped (at least for now).

    The best thing I can tell you is that I told DH that he is the only person who does not need to ask before touching the belly (bc he did half the work to put the baby there). On his own he broadcast that proudly to his family and told them that they all had to ask first. That helped a ton! Bottom line is that the in laws will probably always listen to your DH more than you so if you can get him to be the bearer of the "no touch" or "ask first" policy, you are more likely to get what you want and less likely to upset anyone.

    I hope that helps.
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  • kirsty100kirsty100 member
    I find when my mil try's she's the only one who does, which I have asked her not to on many occasions, I stand behind my boyfriend kind of and he stands in front of her so she cant get to me, it's the only way to stop it she never does it when he's around but when it's my mil and myself she always corners me, it makes me feel trapped and extremely uncomfortable to the point I actually avoid going around there as she's doesn't respect the fact I've asked her not to touch me on numerous occasions. There are only select few I'll give kiss and hug goodbye my grandma grandad. I feel forced to with my mil so I just walk out the house and say goodbye while she forces my boyfriend to give her kiss and a hug.
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