Unsupportive Family Members

toribeth97 · June 2015

My boyfriend and I are expecting our first baby due in October. We announced to close family and then on Facebook around 12 weeks. I am the oldest child in my family and he is the youngest in his. His oldest sister is married and has no children, but claims to have been trying for quite some time. When we told her that I was pregnant, she blew things out of proportion and said that she hates us and even now, 9 weeks later, she gets mad when we talk about what's going on and when we show his parents the newest ultrasound pictures. We got his dad a shirt for Father's Day that said "Worlds Best Grandpa" and his sister was over because they were having a cookout, and when his stepmom showed her the shirt and she read it, the only words that came out of her mouth were "yuck. I'm going back to sleep." She is 24 years old. I would think that she'd be more mature, but apparently I'm wrong. Every time I try to show her the ultrasound pictures she gets pissed. We're having a gender reveal party Thursday and I invited her because either way she is the baby's aunt, and when my boyfriend told her what the invite was for, she said "this is bull s*** . You guys don't know how much this hurts." And I can't help but think that maybe I just should stop inviting her to things. On the other hand, we're considering asking her and her husband if they would like the role of godparents, because I would rather have someone that is family and is married than a few friends or something like that. I don't know if she'll be ecstatic or go ballistic and freak out. I understand that it probably hurts that we didn't plan on having a baby right now and that she's been trying, but when will it end?! My aunt (by marriage) refuses to be happy for us as well. She and my uncle have a son who is about 3 or 4, and she is supposedly trying for another one and isn't happy again for the same reason that our pregnancy was unplanned. She basically told me that my boyfriend, the father of my baby, wouldn't stick around. What would you do in this situation? How long will it last? Should I just stop inviting them to things and not let them be involved? It makes me feel like they think that we planned to "ruin" their plans of having a baby(or another baby) or that we've somehow "ruined" their life by getting pregnant. I just want things to go back to normal.

NoSugarCoating · June 2015

Your SIL is having fertility problems and you keep shoving your pregnancy in her face? YOU are the rude one.

nlwz123 · June 2015

NoSugarCoating said:

Your SIL is having fertility problems and you keep shoving your pregnancy in her face? YOU are the rude one.

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree. If you know that your SIL is having fertility problems, maybe you should take it into consideration and be respectful. You don't necessarily have to not invite her to things, but understand she is going through a very emotional time and I'm sure every time you shove the baby stuff in her face it's like a jab in her heart. Is it necessary to show her ultrasound pictures when she didn't ask to see them? Sit down and talk with her like a normal person and ask her what she would like to be included in and what she's uncomfortable with.

didi0308 · June 2015

OP why do you keep doubting how long a couple has been trying to have a baby? Your use of the statement "claims to have been trying" is rude. If you knew they were upset why would you keep pushing and showing her your ultrasound photos? That's rude as well.

I think you are being extremely offensive by shoving your unplanned pregnancy in the faces of people struggling to conceive and having zero respect for their situation. It sounds like you have some growing up to do. Not your SIL

thegingeravenger · June 2015

nlwz123 said:

NoSugarCoating said:

Your SIL is having fertility problems and you keep shoving your pregnancy in her face? YOU are the rude one.

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree. If you know that your SIL is having fertility problems, maybe you should take it into consideration and be respectful. You don't necessarily have to not invite her to things, but understand she is going through a very emotional time and I'm sure every time you shove the baby stuff in her face it's like a jab in her heart. Is it necessary to show her ultrasound pictures when she didn't ask to see them? Sit down and talk with her like a normal person and ask her what she would like to be included in and what she's uncomfortable with.
----
Edited due to serious quote box fail!

Yep. Don't be surprised if this is too little too late though. You're over halfway done with your pregnancy that you've (in her eyes) been rubbing her face in. While I'm sure she'll eventually come around, she may just need some space. When she does get pregnant do NOT hold her actions against you over her head either. As for your aunt, just ignore her her comments unless she can come up with concrete examples as to why your boyfriend isn't going to stick around.

seashellz1223 · June 2015

OP, I understand that your SIL may not be giving you the support you expect, but please try and understand where she's coming from. Trying to conceive for a long period without success is extremely upsetting. I'm sure your SIL will come around and love your LO soon but right now she doesn't want your pregnancy shoved in her face. It's hard for her.

I wouldn't recommend you don't invite her at all to things but try and keep any pregnancy and baby talk to a minimum around her and respect that she is having a hard time. If she asks how the pregnancy is going fine, but I'd suggest not bringing it up. I am in the same situation with my SIL right now who's a new mom and it hurts a lot to hear about how wonderful motherhood is for her all the time even though I'm happy for her. Don't blame her for acting this way, just try and see where she's coming from and connect with her on other levels outside of the pregnancy.

Snoflakes4eva · June 2015

mrshjd98 said:

Keep on inviting her to things. She may not come, but at least the invitation is there. Stop talking about your pregnancy with her. Talk about it with her, if she brings it up, but otherwise, avoid baby talk with her. She's jealous that you became pregnant before her, and the jealousy is a normal reaction many would feel, when not being able to become pregnant. Try to put yourself in her shoes, and be sensitive to her struggles. I will say, I think it's completely inappropriate and immature to tell you two she hates you. I don't agree that although she may be hurting, she should hurt you two in return. Jealousy is an understandable reaction, but making you feel like you shouldn't share your ultrasound pictures or get a "worlds best grandpa shirt," is absurd. This is your pregnancy, a special time in your life, you shouldn't have to stop your happiness and excitement because of her. If it's too much for her she should share with you guys that this is hard for her, and while she is happy for the both of you, she may excuse herself when baby talk comes up, as it reminds her of her struggles with becoming pregnant. I think the best approach for you is to avoid baby talk around her. If things get too messy between you two maybe sit down and TALK to her. Apologize to her for not being sensitive to her struggles and for showing her ultrasound pictures and explain to her you that you understand why she feels the way she does and you fully support whatever she needs to remove herself from to avoid getting emotional. It's the higher road to take, even though it may not be the easy one.

Just no. SIL doesn't need ultrasound pictures shoved in her face. And she doesn't need to be invited to a gender reveal party when she has already expressed how upsetting that would be to her.

And I am certain that SILs emotions are a lot more complicated than just straight jealousy.

YouHadMeAtMeatTornado · June 2015

didi0308 said:

OP why do you keep doubting how long a couple has been trying to have a baby? Your use of the statement "claims to have been trying" is rude. If you knew they were upset why would you keep pushing and showing her your ultrasound photos? That's rude as well. I think you are being extremely offensive by shoving your unplanned pregnancy in the faces of people struggling to conceive and having zero respect for their situation. It sounds like you have some growing up to do. Not your SIL

This. Be considerate. Of course you're excited, but please consider your audience.

lucky10liz · June 2015

I can relate to your SIL. I've been there. My sister who is 5 years younger got pregnant a month after getting married. They were not financially ready. I had been trying for 4 years at this point. I would just try to be more sensitive about her situation. I think some of the other posters have been a little harsh on you. I know it's not your intentions to be mean about this. I will say that my sister handled it very well with me knowing that we were having troubles. I also think your SIL has to suck it up and be happy for you too. At least when she is around you. I never would make my sister feel like her pregnancy was a horrible thing or be immature about the situation. I think you both just need to sit down and talk about how you each feel about the situation.

toribeth97 · June 2015

I haven't been "shoving" them in her face. I asked her once if she'd like to see them and respected her answer of no, but she's always there when I'm showing the rest of the family and they also ask her. I do understand that it's a hard time for her, but because it's my first baby I, obviously, an extremely excited about it and cannot just stop talking about it. I did not and have not meant to come off as being rude saying that she claims to have been trying but I didnt think of another way to word it at the time of the post, and some of these responses have been rude to me as well, or at least try come off that way. I don't always word my rants as an essay or anything, I type as I think. It's been going on since we found out 9 weeks ago. It isn't my fault she can't get pregnant, and I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

thegingeravenger · June 2015

You tried to tell the woman that is having problems conceiving, that is quite possibly speaking to an OB about their issues if it's been a while, about ways to help her get pregnant. Oh. My. God.

Please go lurk how dedicated the women in TTGP/TTC are, realize how far you've stuck your head up your own ass, and apologize to your SIL. Sincerely.

lalala2004 · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

Are you serious? That is the epitome of insensitive! She's been trying to get pregnant for who knows how long, and you implied that she's "doing it wrong". And pre-seed is not scientifically proven, anyway. I'm not saying her reaction is entirely your fault, but you are clearly not helping the situation or trying to be understanding....

NoSugarCoating · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

I haven't been "shoving" them in her face. I asked her once if she'd like to see them and respected her answer of no, but she's always there when I'm showing the rest of the family and they also ask her. I do understand that it's a hard time for her, but because it's my first baby I, obviously, an extremely excited about it and cannot just stop talking about it. I did not and have not meant to come off as being rude saying that she claims to have been trying but I didnt think of another way to word it at the time of the post, and some of these responses have been rude to me as well, or at least try come off that way. I don't always word my rants as an essay or anything, I type as I think. It's been going on since we found out 9 weeks ago. It isn't my fault she can't get pregnant, and I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

You. Did. NOT.

RiverSong15 · June 2015

I'm just going to leave this here, OP. I really think you should read it once you are less mad at your SIL, and then really try to understand some of what she may be going through.

https://www.resolve.org/support/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

QueenWaldorf2 · June 2015

NoSugarCoating said:

toribeth97 said:

I haven't been "shoving" them in her face. I asked her once if she'd like to see them and respected her answer of no, but she's always there when I'm showing the rest of the family and they also ask her. I do understand that it's a hard time for her, but because it's my first baby I, obviously, an extremely excited about it and cannot just stop talking about it. I did not and have not meant to come off as being rude saying that she claims to have been trying but I didnt think of another way to word it at the time of the post, and some of these responses have been rude to me as well, or at least try come off that way. I don't always word my rants as an essay or anything, I type as I think. It's been going on since we found out 9 weeks ago. It isn't my fault she can't get pregnant, and I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

You. Did. NOT.

This.

toribeth97 · June 2015

It was a suggestion from someone I knew that had friends that went through the same thing. I was just passing along information. It's not something that I came across and o wasn't implying that she was doing it wrong. Just simply another thing that may help. Not that it matters, because she probably won't use it anyway.

WitandWhimsy · June 2015

toribeth97 said:
It was a suggestion from someone I knew that had friends that went through the same thing. I was just passing along information. It's not something that I came across and o wasn't implying that she was doing it wrong. Just simply another thing that may help. Not that it matters, because she probably won't use it anyway.

Pre-seed doesn't help someone get pregnant. It's just a sperm-friendly lubricant. If that's all it took, then people wouldn't struggle with infertility.

wassuphoes · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

It was a suggestion from someone I knew that had friends that went through the same thing. I was just passing along information. It's not something that I came across and o wasn't implying that she was doing it wrong. Just simply another thing that may help. Not that it matters, because she probably won't use it anyway.

RiverSong15 · June 2015

toribeth97 said:
It was a suggestion from someone I knew that had friends that went through the same thing. I was just passing along information. It's not something that I came across and o wasn't implying that she was doing it wrong. Just simply another thing that may help. Not that it matters, because she probably won't use it anyway.

Seriously, if you are going to be a part of your BF's family (and you will, with a baby on the way!), you should educate yourself on infertility and how to be considerate of those who are struggling. The link I posted has a lot of great DOs and DONTs that I was not aware of before some friends posted about their struggles with IF.

People who are dealing with IF are not going to get KU just because they used pre-seed. It's sperm friendly lube, not a miracle lotion. Please educate yourself on what your BF's sister may be going through, and how these offhand comments can really sting.

[Deleted User] · June 2015

Since you are only 9 weeks along this is all really new to you... but you still have many more months left of being pregnant and a lifetime of being a parent. Refraining from discussing baby related things just when your SIL is around won't take away from any of that, won't hurt you at all, won't take away from your situation. It is pretty darn obvious that is IS painful to her. I think now is the time to practice some compassion and take it easy on her. Rather than focusing on how you think she should respond, simply do what you know will harm her the least. You sound enormously judgmental of her which, to me, is immature and selfish.

There are a billion important things to talk about in this world other than your pregnancy. Google it.

nlwz123 · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

I haven't been "shoving" them in her face. I asked her once if she'd like to see them and respected her answer of no, but she's always there when I'm showing the rest of the family and they also ask her. I do understand that it's a hard time for her, but because it's my first baby I, obviously, an extremely excited about it and cannot just stop talking about it. I did not and have not meant to come off as being rude saying that she claims to have been trying but I didnt think of another way to word it at the time of the post, and some of these responses have been rude to me as well, or at least try come off that way. I don't always word my rants as an essay or anything, I type as I think. It's been going on since we found out 9 weeks ago. It isn't my fault she can't get pregnant, and I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

Girl, please. Preseed is a lube. We all know about it. Lube doesn't get you pregnant--it just lubricates. Google it. We are not responsible for how YOU choose to "word your rants." What you say and how you say it is your responsibility.

toribeth97 · June 2015

I'm not 9w, I'm 21w. We found out 9 weeks ago that I was pregnant. I hadn't heard of pre seed before, and I will admit that I didn't look too far into it before suggesting it, as I probably should have.

nlwz123 · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

I'm not 9w, I'm 21w. We found out 9 weeks ago that I was pregnant. I hadn't heard of pre seed before, and I will admit that I didn't look too far into it before suggesting it, as I probably should have.

Well, that's an odd thing to do, then.

BlueWaffleSpeshul · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

I haven't been "shoving" them in her face. I asked her once if she'd like to see them and respected her answer of no, but she's always there when I'm showing the rest of the family and they also ask her. I do understand that it's a hard time for her, but because it's my first baby I, obviously, an extremely excited about it and cannot just stop talking about it. I did not and have not meant to come off as being rude saying that she claims to have been trying but I didnt think of another way to word it at the time of the post, and some of these responses have been rude to me as well, or at least try come off that way. I don't always word my rants as an essay or anything, I type as I think. It's been going on since we found out 9 weeks ago. It isn't my fault she can't get pregnant, and I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

toribeth97 said:

My boyfriend and I are expecting our first baby due in October. We announced to close family and then on Facebook around 12 weeks. I am the oldest child in my family and he is the youngest in his. His oldest sister is married and has no children, but claims to have been trying for quite some time. When we told her that I was pregnant, she blew things out of proportion and said that she hates us and even now, 9 weeks later, she gets mad when we talk about what's going on and when we show his parents the newest ultrasound pictures. We got his dad a shirt for Father's Day that said "Worlds Best Grandpa" and his sister was over because they were having a cookout, and when his stepmom showed her the shirt and she read it, the only words that came out of her mouth were "yuck. I'm going back to sleep." She is 24 years old. I would think that she'd be more mature, but apparently I'm wrong. Every time I try to show her the ultrasound pictures she gets pissed. We're having a gender reveal party Thursday and I invited her because either way she is the baby's aunt, and when my boyfriend told her what the invite was for, she said "this is bull s*** . You guys don't know how much this hurts." And I can't help but think that maybe I just should stop inviting her to things. On the other hand, we're considering asking her and her husband if they would like the role of godparents, because I would rather have someone that is family and is married than a few friends or something like that. I don't know if she'll be ecstatic or go ballistic and freak out. I understand that it probably hurts that we didn't plan on having a baby right now and that she's been trying, but when will it end?! My aunt (by marriage) refuses to be happy for us as well. She and my uncle have a son who is about 3 or 4, and she is supposedly trying for another one and isn't happy again for the same reason that our pregnancy was unplanned. She basically told me that my boyfriend, the father of my baby, wouldn't stick around. What would you do in this situation? How long will it last? Should I just stop inviting them to things and not let them be involved? It makes me feel like they think that we planned to "ruin" their plans of having a baby(or another baby) or that we've somehow "ruined" their life by getting pregnant. I just want things to go back to normal.

Once ==/== every time. Your statements contradict each other.

Snoflakes4eva · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

I haven't been "shoving" them in her face. I asked her once if she'd like to see them and respected her answer of no, but she's always there when I'm showing the rest of the family and they also ask her. I do understand that it's a hard time for her, but because it's my first baby I, obviously, an extremely excited about it and cannot just stop talking about it. I did not and have not meant to come off as being rude saying that she claims to have been trying but I didnt think of another way to word it at the time of the post, and some of these responses have been rude to me as well, or at least try come off that way. I don't always word my rants as an essay or anything, I type as I think. It's been going on since we found out 9 weeks ago. It isn't my fault she can't get pregnant, and I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

Since everyone has covered the pre-seed disaster, lets talk about the bolded.

You need to learn when to stop talking. If your sister is in the room, don't bring up your pregnancy. And if someone asks to see an US picture, in her presence, tell them you will show them later.

Its really not that hard to be aware of someone else's feelings while being excited about your own.

HawkinsKapp · June 2015

I have to disagree with everyone else I had a MC at about 6weeks we were so excited but sadly it wasn't meant to be. When a friend of mine ended up pregnant not even a week after I was we were both happy. But just because I am having problems in no way means I have to be rude about it to her. And the SIL is not only being rude but extremely immature you don't punish someone else for somethingneither of you cna help. There is NO reason why snowflake should have to tamper her feeling because someone else. Now yes she can make it easier on her SIL but that doesn't mean this is all 1 sided. Not at ALL when my friend came to me with there gender reveal I helped plan it and was even able to sit down and talk about the hard ships I had been going through and having seen those US pictures they seemed to help in a way. IF THE SIL had come to snowflake and said "Hey look this is rough right now can you not show these or brag about it while I'm around" then that would of been a different story. You don't rain on someones parade just because your own got rained out.

MixedBerries88 · June 2015

Listen, I'll level with you. I really truly dislike my sister in law. In the words of Stanley Hudson from The Office "Everything you do, I would do the opposite of that thing" basically sums up my feelings on her. I can COMPLETELY empathize with your strained relationship and I know how tough this will be, but need to take ownership of how you hurt her feelings. Did you really not think that giving a gift highlighting that your boyfriend's dad is about to be a grandfather at a party with her present was being sensitive? Try to see it from her side and see how badly and deeply this hurts her. I would leave communication with her about this baby to your boyfriend until you can get on a better footing with her.

RiverSong15 · June 2015

HawkinsKapp said:
I have to disagree with everyone else I had a MC at about 6weeks we were so excited but sadly it wasn't meant to be. When a friend of mine ended up pregnant not even a week after I was we were both happy. But just because I am having problems in no way means I have to be rude about it to her. And the SIL is not only being rude but extremely immature you don't punish someone else for somethingneither of you cna help. There is NO reason why snowflake should have to tamper her feeling because someone else. Now yes she can make it easier on her SIL but that doesn't mean this is all 1 sided. Not at ALL when my friend came to me with there gender reveal I helped plan it and was even able to sit down and talk about the hard ships I had been going through and having seen those US pictures they seemed to help in a way. IF THE SIL had come to snowflake and said "Hey look this is rough right now can you not show these or brag about it while I'm around" then that would of been a different story. You don't rain on someones parade just because your own got rained out.

First, I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm glad that you found comfort talking with your friend and helping her plan her gender reveal. however, not everyone processes loss and/or trouble TTC the same way, nor should they be expected to. And OP's posts have come across as very selfish and one-sided. OP can only improve this situation by learning some consideration and compassion. Thus far, OP's posts have shown neither of these characteristics.

vampbride99 · June 2015

OP, I really think you need to think before you speak and post. What you've done to you SIL is harsh and insensitive. If you KNOW she is having infertility issues, why cause her more pain by bringing up things about the baby around her? If she's around, you don't have to show US pix. You can show them to family later. Although you do have the right to be happy about your pregnancy (no one is disputing that), you could show her a bit more compassion and understanding.

I think you should talk to her and apologize. Discuss with her how she's feeling, because I know you have NO clue the emotions she's feeling.

PrimRoseMama · June 2015

I literally cringed reading this post. OP have some mercy on your SIL. Think outside of yourself. This life is not all about you. Every time you run your mouth without thinking or force ultrasound pictures you are just twisting the knife, man. That's just cruel.

I could blame it on being thoughtless, but it's extra messed up that you KNOW it bothers her. You get it but you don't care? That's jacked. X_X

Instead? You come in here trying to justify this garbage. Please please apologize to her & acknowledge her as a human with feelings that are not existing simply to cater to your ego.

florecitarockera5 · June 2015

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Be happy don't feel guilty. Your pregnancy should be the happiest, don't let anybody's negativity get to you

Snoflakes4eva · June 2015

florecitarockera5 said:

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Be happy don't feel guilty. Your pregnancy should be the happiest, don't let anybody's negativity get to you

You cannot be serious with this.

knottiec2f4c13f84a43af5 · June 2015

OP is doing nothing wrong, she is pregnant with her first child and is excited about it, she has the right to talk to her family about it and should not have to tip-toe around a SIL that is acting like a spoiled brat because she didn't get pregnant first and is jealous of all the attention. Did no one else notice that the SIL is only 24? How long has she been trying? Has it been a year? Is she going to fertility specialists? Has she gone through years of struggle to warrant this kind of behavior? I would assume not. Everyone here is putting themselves in the SIL shoes and are overreacting to OP.

OP just do your thing and ignore your SIL. Keep inviting her to things and talk about your pregnancy as you normally would (but obviously don't brag and be a jerk about it). Have your boyfriend talk to her because it is his sister and it's usually easiest in these situations for each partner to handle their own side of the family.

Good Luck!

BlueWaffleSpeshul · June 2015

cbb5013 said:

OP is doing nothing wrong, she is pregnant with her first child and is excited about it, she has the right to talk to her family about it and should not have to tip-toe around a SIL that is acting like a spoiled brat because she didn't get pregnant first and is jealous of all the attention. Did no one else notice that the SIL is only 24? How long has she been trying? Has it been a year? Is she going to fertility specialists? Has she gone through years of struggle to warrant this kind of behavior? I would assume not. Everyone here is putting themselves in the SIL shoes and are overreacting to OP.

OP just do your thing and ignore your SIL. Keep inviting her to things and talk about your pregnancy as you normally would (but obviously don't brag and be a jerk about it). Have your boyfriend talk to her because it is his sister and it's usually easiest in these situations for each partner to handle their own side of the family.

Good Luck!

But see, if she keeps inviting her to things and talking about her pregnancy in the same manner as she has been, it sort of cancels out the part in parentheses.

jnnfrrose6 · June 2015

cbb5013 said:

OP is doing nothing wrong, she is pregnant with her first child and is excited about it, she has the right to talk to her family about it and should not have to tip-toe around a SIL that is acting like a spoiled brat because she didn't get pregnant first and is jealous of all the attention. Did no one else notice that the SIL is only 24? How long has she been trying? Has it been a year? Is she going to fertility specialists? Has she gone through years of struggle to warrant this kind of behavior? I would assume not. Everyone here is putting themselves in the SIL shoes and are overreacting to OP.

OP just do your thing and ignore your SIL. Keep inviting her to things and talk about your pregnancy as you normally would (but obviously don't brag and be a jerk about it). Have your boyfriend talk to her because it is his sister and it's usually easiest in these situations for each partner to handle their own side of the family.

Good Luck!

You know what happens when you assume.
Yes, SIL isn't handling the situation well with her comments, but OP certainly isn't helping the matter by being insensitive. She knows SIL is struggling, she hasn't attempted to discuss with her one on one about anything, and she continues to out her foot in her mouth. Could SIL handle it better? Yes. Could OP be the bigger person, recognize that her pregnancy is hard on SIL and try to limit how much she discusses it in front of SIL. Absolutely.

ljwisniew · June 2015

As someone who is completely ignorant of infertility, is it completely faux pas to ask what a woman have done so far to get ktfu? I have only started TTCing in May and have read TCOYF and the impatient womans guide to getting pregnant (i may have butchered that title), stalked the bump, am charting temping opking... basically doing the works and researching my ass off. I had absolutely NO idea how hard timing really was and the last 2 months I have learned an insane amount and want to shout it from the rooftops, especially on pregnancy boards that arent "the bump" where women are having issues conceiving but admit that they have never charted, check their cm/bbt or anything like that. Even OB's seem to not be as helpful as the ladies on the bumb.

But if I hear someone close to me is having problems conceiving, should I automatically assume that they have done all the research I have and just be supportive/not give advice? I'd be annoyed as hell if a friend or family member of mine was having "fertility issues" because they weren't timing it right due to not doing any research and expects me to tiptoe my pregnancy around them. But again- I've been called heartless/cold before because I'm someone that would rather help/find a solution than be sympathetic.

NoSugarCoating · June 2015

ljwisniew said:

As someone who is completely ignorant of infertility, is it completely faux pas to ask what a woman have done so far to get ktfu? I have only started TTCing in May and have read TCOYF and the impatient womans guide to getting pregnant (i may have butchered that title), stalked the bump, am charting temping opking... basically doing the works and researching my ass off. I had absolutely NO idea how hard timing really was and the last 2 months I have learned an insane amount and want to shout it from the rooftops, especially on pregnancy boards that arent "the bump" where women are having issues conceiving but admit that they have never charted, check their cm/bbt or anything like that. Even OB's seem to not be as helpful as the ladies on the bumb.

But if I hear someone close to me is having problems conceiving, should I automatically assume that they have done all the research I have and just be supportive/not give advice? I'd be annoyed as hell if a friend or family member of mine was having "fertility issues" because they weren't timing it right due to not doing any research and expects me to tiptoe my pregnancy around them. But again- I've been called heartless/cold before because I'm someone that would rather help/find a solution than be sympathetic.

Yes. It's insensitive. I don't care how much research you've done. Unless they specifically ASK you for advice on getting KTFU, keep your advice to yourself.

ljwisniew · June 2015

NoSugarCoating said:
Yes. It's insensitive. I don't care how much research you've done. Unless they specifically ASK you for advice on getting KTFU, keep your advice to yourself.

Well, I care how much research is done before I can feel any sympathy. But I can definitely not ask any questions or give advice.

SaltyMcNulty · June 2015

toribeth97 said:

I haven't been "shoving" them in her face. I asked her once if she'd like to see them and respected her answer of no, but she's always there when I'm showing the rest of the family and they also ask her. I do understand that it's a hard time for her, but because it's my first baby I, obviously, an extremely excited about it and cannot just stop talking about it. I did not and have not meant to come off as being rude saying that she claims to have been trying but I didnt think of another way to word it at the time of the post, and some of these responses have been rude to me as well, or at least try come off that way. I don't always word my rants as an essay or anything, I type as I think. It's been going on since we found out 9 weeks ago. It isn't my fault she can't get pregnant, and I've even tried telling her some things that may help her get pregnant (pre-seed. Google it.) I'm not trying to be insensitive.

JFC. How AW-ish can you possibly be?

Your SIL is having fertility issues. Pre-seed (laughable) is not going to help fertility issues if she has any one of numerous reasons not being able to get pregnant - a medical condition, long luteal phases, she isn't ovulating, PCOS. Her spouse could have something going on preventing pregnancy. They both could have something going on that, shocker, you're not privy to that's hindering their ability to conceive.

Just.stop.it. Don't talk to her about your pregnancy. Plain and simple. You claim you're the oldest, but your SIL is only 24 (I assume you're younger). You're going to be a parent. Start acting like an adult, not some tween upset her friend doesn't share her enthusiasm for One Direction.

SaltyMcNulty · June 2015

florecitarockera5 said:

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Be happy don't feel guilty. Your pregnancy should be the happiest, don't let anybody's negativity get to you

I call troll.

SaltyMcNulty · June 2015

cbb5013 said:

OP is doing nothing wrong, she is pregnant with her first child and is excited about it, she has the right to talk to her family about it and should not have to tip-toe around a SIL that is acting like a spoiled brat because she didn't get pregnant first and is jealous of all the attention. Did no one else notice that the SIL is only 24? How long has she been trying? Has it been a year? Is she going to fertility specialists? Has she gone through years of struggle to warrant this kind of behavior? I would assume not. Everyone here is putting themselves in the SIL shoes and are overreacting to OP.

OP just do your thing and ignore your SIL. Keep inviting her to things and talk about your pregnancy as you normally would (but obviously don't brag and be a jerk about it). Have your boyfriend talk to her because it is his sister and it's usually easiest in these situations for each partner to handle their own side of the family.

Good Luck!

My god. I am literally raging at my computer over your statements. It is none of the OP's business how long or what SIL has done to get pregnant. SIL expressed they've been trying and that all the pregnancy talk upsets her. Wowza.... maybe the OP should stop shoving it in SIL's face and act like an adult, y'know, who can empathize with and show sympathy for someone who's hurting.

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