Husband not wanting mom in delivery room

stephknee · June 2015

so my husband doesn't like my mom (for a pretty dumb reason) and he doesn't want her in the delivery room with me AT ALL. He says that if she's in there that he won't be there and I can just call him when our baby girl is born. What can I do for him to understand that I need my mom there for support. Anyone else have this problem? It's the only thing stressing me out

DylansCandyBar · June 2015

You're husband is being completely selfish. The birthing process should be about making you feel supported and comfortable. If having your mother there is an important factor, he needs to let go of his issues so that can happen for you. You are the one pushing a baby out of your vagina, not him.

Eventually he is going to have to be around your mother, since you obviously have a relationship with her. You are having a child and presumably she'll want to be around for birthdays and holidays. What is his stance in those instances?

kedbach · June 2015

I agree with PP, he seems super selfish. It also seems as if he needs to grow up. You're his wife, he needs to be okay with whatever decision you make. You are the one caddying his child.

NoSugarCoating · June 2015

I want to know the "stupid reason."

jankam · June 2015

He should be supporting every decision you make. Unless your mother is an absolutely horrible person. you have the right to have her there.

YogaSandy · June 2015

I don't agree completely. If it's just bc he doesn't like your mom - too bad. Saying he won't be there if she is - childish. However, if a DH wanted to experience the birth and time after as just a family (dad, mom, baby) and bond after that (alone). I see no problem with that - even if he isn't the one "pushing a baby out of his vagina". However, then a compromise would need to be made.

KateLouise · June 2015

I'm in two minds on this one. On one hand, it's your labour, you're the one doing the work and you should have what you need. If that's support from your Mum then so be it.

On the other hand, your husband refusing to be there if your mother is there seems like a very extreme reaction. So what has happened between them in the past? Is he in a snitch with her over one thing and refusing to let it go, or is it likely that your mother will be completely overbearing and awful and ruin the experience of seeing his child be born for him? Does he always stamp his feet and be unreasonable if he doesn't get his way, or is this a very extreme, out of character, threat for him to make?

Is there a compromise position? eg your Mum steps out once pushing is under way? Or steps out as soon as baby is born so you can have bonding as a family? Could she wait in the waiting room, and her and your DH swap in and out as you need?

I really can't have a firm opinion without knowing more about the history between them.

laurasuzanne2006 · June 2015

I do agree it's kinda selfish for him but I can also see it being possible for her to spoil his experience if there is too much friction. Also just something to keep in mind. I had my mom there and she was beyond worthless. I did it more because I felt like I should rather than thinking she would be a good support. Just keep it in mind

stephknee · June 2015

The stupid reason is that him & I got into a huge fight because he was smoking weed around me. I told him to get out of the house and he wouldn't so I left. He went to look for me as I walked to my moms house & when I didn't get in the car he came out and pushed me up against the car. He was so angry he punched the side of my car. I was so scared for myself and my baby. I called my mom immediately and she picked me up. He doesn't like her because that night my mom told him that what he was doing to me wasn't right. That he needed to man up and take care of his family. He took it in a bad way. my mom didn't let me go home that night (I didn't want to either) so I stayed there. He hates my mom because she was pissed at him that night but I see where my mom is coming from! I'm sure he would react the same if someone did that to our daughter. Still that is the reason why he doesn't get along with her and refuses to be in the same room as her. Pretty stupid.

Alyllyra · June 2015

While I agree it should be your decision if you really need the support, I kinda see his point too. It's his baby being born, not your mothers, and he should also have a say in who gets to be there for delivery. Maybe your mom can be there during labor but step out for delivery?
Your H should be able to provide you with plenty of support and to do that he needs to be able to focus too.
Really think about what type of support you think your mom can give you that your H can't, and if you belive that it's worth the hassle then put your foot down.
FWIW, in most cases I think a loving husband can provide all the support needed for child birth.

Edited: I didn't see your second post before I answered. Leave him right now and take care of yourself!

PugsandKisses · June 2015

Wait, he is mad at her for being called out for being an ass?

He smoked pot around his pregnant wife, push her against a car, threw a tantrum and punched a car... and that is her fault?

Little boy needs to shut up, sit in a corner ans think about it until he grows up.

jerseygirl227 · June 2015

Well, if that's the reason he doesn't like your mom, then I say he needs to get over it and man up. He sounds a bit selfish and immature to me.

Sorry you are going through this. Hope it all works out well.

TheBorg7of9 · June 2015

It's not a stupid reason. It's an abusive husband. I wish I had a hotline number for you but I don't know what's the best to call. I honestly think you need to leave your husband, but it doesn't sound like you're near the point of accepting that yet. I'm sorry you are going through this. Please think about what you would want your daughter to do if she were in your situation. Also, after baby is born you have to think about protecting her from abuse also. I hope you can get some help. Maybe tell your Ob what happened and she can help you.

PrimRoseMama · June 2015

stephknee said:
so my husband doesn't like my mom (for a pretty dumb reason) and he doesn't want her in the delivery room with me AT ALL. He says that if she's in there that he won't be there and I can just call him when our baby girl is born. What can I do for him to understand that I need my mom there for support. Anyone else have this problem? It's the only thing stressing me out

Tell him to grow a pair & get over it.

JNOVA2015 · June 2015

stephknee said:
The stupid reason is that him & I got into a huge fight because he was smoking weed around me. I told him to get out of the house and he wouldn't so I left. He went to look for me as I walked to my moms house & when I didn't get in the car he came out and pushed me up against the car. He was so angry he punched the side of my car. I was so scared for myself and my baby. I called my mom immediately and she picked me up. He doesn't like her because that night my mom told him that what he was doing to me wasn't right. That he needed to man up and take care of his family. He took it in a bad way. my mom didn't let me go home that night (I didn't want to either) so I stayed there. He hates my mom because she was pissed at him that night but I see where my mom is coming from! I'm sure he would react the same if someone did that to our daughter. Still that is the reason why he doesn't get along with her and refuses to be in the same room as her. Pretty stupid.

This isn't just stupid pettiness, this is abuse. What he did to you is not the way a man should treat his SO. It's also common for abusers to try to isolate their victim from the people who care about them. It honestly doesn't surprise me that he is trying to keep your mom from you even though you want her there. If it were me, I'd tell him that my mom would be there and he can be there if he wants. In this specific situation I have a feeling you're better off having her there than him if you can only choose one.

stephknee · June 2015

If I could chose one I would chose my mom. There are nights where I'm in pain and all he does is sit there and watch tv while I cry. I call my mom so she can give me advice on what to do and he gets pissed off. He won't let me see her or anyone in my family. One night he actually made me kick my own mom out of our house. He refused to even let me open the door and tell her I was fine. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel trapped. For him to act that way really hurts me. My mom and I are super close and for her to not be there to support me would honestly make me really sad because I know he won't help me out.

cubberss · June 2015

Leave him, get a restraining order, and move in with your mom.

FemShep · June 2015

stephknee said:

If I could chose one I would chose my mom. There are nights where I'm in pain and all he does is sit there and watch tv while I cry. I call my mom so she can give me advice on what to do and he gets pissed off. He won't let me see her or anyone in my family. One night he actually made me kick my own mom out of our house. He refused to even let me open the door and tell her I was fine. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel trapped. For him to act that way really hurts me. My mom and I are super close and for her to not be there to support me would honestly make me really sad because I know he won't help me out.

This is not a healthy relationship. This is not right. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard to hear, but someone who loves you will never push you, or threaten you, or refuse to allow you contact with your mom. You need help. Please see a counselor right away.

JNOVA2015 · June 2015

This is abuse. Isolating you from your mom and the rest of your family is a textbook part of the cycle because it makes you feel helpless and dependent on him, exactly as you are describing. Please, please, please, for the sake of your baby and yourself, call a crisis hotline or find a counselor. These kinds of issues do not resolve on their own, they get worse, and it's important that you get help now.

And I agree that the best thing for you would be to leave him and move in with your mom. After that, the only way I'd even consider moving back in with him would be after he attended both individual and couples counseling and the therapist agreed it was a good idea.

PugsandKisses · June 2015

Your husband is both physically and mentally abusive. Call the police if/when you are ready to leave. Restraining papers are a good start.
A healthy relationship does not include violence, aggression or limiting your life.
can you honestly say that he will not do this to your child? Please get help, you deserve so much more than this.

thegingeravenger · June 2015

PugsandKisses said:
Your husband is both physically and mentally abusive. Call the police if/when you are ready to leave. Restraining papers are a good start.
A healthy relationship does not include violence, aggression or limiting your life.
can you honestly say that he will not do this to your child? Please get help, you deserve so much more than this.

All of this. If you can't find the strength to leave for just you, think of your baby. No child deserves to live in fear of a parent. If you're worried for your mom's safety as well, call a domestic abuse hotline or women's shelter hotline as well as the local authorities. They'll be able to help you find a safe space and help you begin the journey of taking your life back. Good luck to you.

Elecin · June 2015

Oh honey. This goes so much deeper than who should be in your delivery room. Let your mom into the delivery room, get some help for abusive relationships, and leave that guy!

Saratiff · June 2015

Honestly the hospital would give you a social work consult for this. You ticked off all the markers for abuse. You need to get out. Better now because things are only going to get more stressful and if he can't deal with pressure now in healthy way it's only going to escalate.

amberrmariee20 · June 2015

stephknee said:
so my husband doesn't like my mom (for a pretty dumb reason) and he doesn't want her in the delivery room with me AT ALL. He says that if she's in there that he won't be there and I can just call him when our baby girl is born. What can I do for him to understand that I need my mom there for support. Anyone else have this problem? It's the only thing stressing me out

Tell him to get over it. Your going to want your mother their, at least if she's supportive you will. I had my mother in the delivery room with me the first time too, this time I'm considering not having her there just because she gets to hyper and picks at me while in labor, not fun !!

xxarlannaxx · June 2015

stephknee said:
If I could chose one I would chose my mom. There are nights where I'm in pain and all he does is sit there and watch tv while I cry. I call my mom so she can give me advice on what to do and he gets pissed off. He won't let me see her or anyone in my family. One night he actually made me kick my own mom out of our house. He refused to even let me open the door and tell her I was fine. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel trapped. For him to act that way really hurts me. My mom and I are super close and for her to not be there to support me would honestly make me really sad because I know he won't help me out.

How do you not see how severe this is? He's trying to alienate you from your own family. Separate and remove all outside relationships you have. He is controlling, he is abusive, he is childish and selfish... What do you think is going to happen if that child annoys him too much? What if he's angry from lack of sleep from your child waking up every hour on the hour? He's either going to take it out on you, or take it out on the baby....YOU ARE NOT SAFE!! I have been in the position you are in right now, I can promise you your best bet is to get out of there and as far away from him ASAP! The longer you stay, the longer you show him that he does have that control, it'll get MUCH WORSE! It starts with a shove here and a few holes in the walls, then it's severe bruises where nobody can see, next thing you know you are not allowed out of the house at all because you have two black eyes, a split lip, and are limping from being stomped into the ground by steel-toe boots. Your innocent, defenseless and helpless child is being screamed at because they are in need of a diaper change or are hungry and have to cry because they can't talk....how far are you willing to let him go? By no means am I trying to be rude, I am just giving you all the possibilities and outcomes from all the "red flags" you have stated so far. I can relate, and believe me it hurts more than anything to have to carry around the enormous guilt of letting a child be born into a broken family. You may think what you're going through is "as bad as it gets" but believe me it's only just started if you allow yourself to stay with him.
The first chance you get you pack your bags and all the stuff you need for that baby that you have so far and you get to your mothers house. You call the police, you file for a restraining order. Please, PLEASE get yourself out of there and to safety.

allrightmeow · June 2015

Saratiff said:

Honestly the hospital would give you a social work consult for this. You ticked off all the markers for abuse. You need to get out. Better now because things are only going to get more stressful and if he can't deal with pressure now in healthy way it's only going to escalate.

This! With my son they asked me if I felt safe going home. It's just something they do here. Get out of there and get help for yourself and your baby's sake.

SashaDenn25 · June 2015

stephknee said:
If I could chose one I would chose my mom. There are nights where I'm in pain and all he does is sit there and watch tv while I cry. I call my mom so she can give me advice on what to do and he gets pissed off. He won't let me see her or anyone in my family. One night he actually made me kick my own mom out of our house. He refused to even let me open the door and tell her I was fine. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel trapped. For him to act that way really hurts me. My mom and I are super close and for her to not be there to support me would honestly make me really sad because I know he won't help me out.

Get out now. You ARE IN AN ABUSIVE REALTIONSHIP. You have every flag waving and im not sure if you werent pregnant the fist that hit the car wouldnt have hit you face. Please get out sooner rather than later. Please take this from someone who stayed too long. I was beaten physically and torn down mentally...LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. If you still dont belive he is abusive google any list of signs you are being abused...you will meet many on the list. Do whats best for LO and just get out. Also, if he goes.to court over custody you need to bring up his abusive nature and have supervised visitation until he can prove LO wont be in danger with him.

SashaDenn25 · June 2015

And please feel free to PM if you need someone to talk to. I dont feel right just leaving that comment and not giving you an outlet...Good God I hope you leave tonight. Pack a small bag, call your mom, have her come get you. If he doesnt let you leave, call the cops, but best thing would be to leave without him knowing to avoid conflict and then let him know youve left.

KYmama9286 · July 2015

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. If you're really wanting assistance in this situation when you check into labor & delivery they will triage you and part of that is separating you from everyone so they can ask you questions about being in a safe home environment and if you've ever been abused. They purposely ask the partners to leave during this time so mom's can answer honestly without fear of retribution. It would be a perfect time to let them know some of your concerns and they will get social work involved to help you figure out your options.

In most circumstances I would say that dad has the right to decide who's in the room during delivery but in this case he forfeitted that right when he decided to be abusive towards you. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation :-(

FemNik214 · July 2015

This sounds like something my father would have done to my mother, please get out, there are a BUNCH of organizations geared at getting women out of situations like this. If you stay unfortunately it will escalate and that beautiful baby will be caught in the cross hairs. If you saw your baby going through what you're going through, would you step in? Absolutely, and there would be a restraining order at first light, plus a shot gun by my bed should the creep decide to break in. I've had a family friend murdered in cold blood by an abusive husband and I certainly don't want anyone else to be a victim of this.

Please call your mother and get out before the baby is born.

littlec01 · July 2015

This comes under the catorgaory.. ABUSE!
I just hope that one day you will realise just how abnormal this relationship is and take steps to get out!! For the sake of you and your little girl!

So worrying.....

littlec01 · July 2015

And as for the question... Please have your mum with you. She deserves to be! He don't!!!

NurseRieger · July 2015

Imagine your situation from the outside. If u had a friend who told u that all of this was happening to her and what her husband was doing, and how she was feeling what would u tell that friend? Now follow your own advice!

HWKI · July 2015

Please consider the role model your SO would be for your little one. Is this how you'd want your son to treat women or for a partner to treat your daughter? Better to be raised by a single strong woman. Also, depending on what state you live in if he smokes pot around your LO CPS can get involved and you could risk losing your kid. So sorry you are going through this.

cMichelle0423 · July 2015

I agree with so much if not everything everyone else has said from your second post. Leave him now!!! Before he seriously hurts you or if God forbid he hurts your child!!! You and your baby especially deserve better than this!!!! If you do not leave him and your child is forced to grow up in an abusive household, you are just as guilty and responsible for anything to happens to your little one. I see stories on the news all the time about mothers getting arrested for child endangerment because they didn't leave their abusive spouses. You MUST protect yourself and your child. The issue at hand is much much deeper than who should be in the delivery room. Your SO needs help, and you need to be in a healthy home environment. Please, please, please, take control of the situation and do what's best for you and your child.

cseley321 · July 2015

If he's showing signs of being abusive towards you, it's only a matter of time that he may be abusive towards your child. If not physically, then mentally. Get help sooner than later. A childhood friend of mine lost her baby to shaken baby syndrome when she was at work and left her baby with her boyfriend. It's just not worth it.

cMichelle0423 · July 2015

sunrise135 said:
I hope she actually came back and read the responses. I feel bad for the baby if she chose to stay.

I agree.... It's hard not to worry about people in situations like these.

Craiggles · August 2015

I am so glad you have your mom. She sounds precious.

Knottie59387608 · August 2015

Please, please get out of there. If you can't bring yourself to do it for you, please do it for you child. I grew up in a very abusive household and my mom was always too afraid for to leave or, for some reason thought she could fix it. I can promise you one of the worse things to go through as a child is seeing your mother slammed up against walls and screamed at. I know from first hand experience as a child, after he's done physically and emotionally abusing you, the next person will be your child. I now also suffer from extreme anxiety, and depression. It isn't worth giving your child that kind of life, it doesn't go away when they get older.

Edit : also if you need someone to talk to please message me, you don't have to be alone through all this.

christina4436 · August 2015

Sure hubby can have an opinion but IMO you and any woman should have the final say. You are the one going through it and have the right to have what will make you most comfortable. I would saying I'm having my mom stop being selfish and get over it, if that's important to you. He should come around. If he doesn't to see his child being born than that's a bigger maturity/selfish issue.

pippamom · August 2015

is there any way you could do it without her? I'm asking because I think its such a privet experience that a couple shares and I can see how bringing a third person could bother your husband. you need to remember its his baby being born too and he has his own needs and worries.

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