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Am I allowed to be upset if my bestfriend won't come to my baby shower?

chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
in September 2015 Moms
I don't know if it's just my hormones that are upsetting me over this but I can't say anything to my friend about it because she's the type that won't understand where I'm going from. My best friend since we were 9 years old moved all the way down to SC from here in NJ. She's been down there for a few years and is never willing to fly up here for huge events in my life. Didn't show to my bridal shower, and since she was a bridesmaid she missed out on everything us girls did for the wedding. I didn't see her until the day of the wedding and then I haven't seen her since, and that was a year ago. She now tells me she's not gonna come to my baby shower, which isn't until July 25th. Am I allowed to be hurt over this? I truly feel devastated because she's 1 of my only 2 actual real friends. I want her there, I want her to share my big milestones with me. I've flown down there to see her, but she never comes here. I feel once my baby is here, she'll never come to meet him either. I truly feel that her not coming to my shower is going to ruin our friendship..she never even asks me about the baby, and only talks about it if I bring it up. Am I over reacting? Because I'm honestly really let down
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Re: Am I allowed to be upset if my bestfriend won't come to my baby shower?

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  • Ivyblue92Ivyblue92 member
    I'm sorry your feeling this way. I have a friend that is very much like this. It's very frustrating & it hurts. Maybe as PP has said she can't afford it & it doesn't cover her budget. Try taking to her & tell her how upset you are.
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    edited June 2015
    mcdonald-bailey said:

    I'm not sure if you've asked her but maybe flying down often is not in her budget. I have a somewhat similar situation where my dad isn't coming to my family brunch/baby shower because he said he rather fly down when the baby is born since the dates are so close together.

    I'd offer to buy her baby shower ticket because where we fly out of its very Inexpensive since it's a short flight. But she lives with her parents and doesn't a bill to her name, and has 2 jobs. So there really isn't the excuse of not having the money. If that was the case I wouldn't understand
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  • sphillips18sphillips18 member
    My best friend didn't come to mine and while I shouldn't have been upset because she had a fair reason (she's bipolar, had a mental breakdown) I still was a little butt hurt. I haven't seen her in over a year and was looking forward to seeing her and my god daughter. In fact, I pretty much came to California just to see her. She told me a couple days before that she wasn't gonna come and I admit I cried. I was there for her baby shower and really wanted her there for mine. And I was there for her during her entire pregnancy, she lived with me abd everything.
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    sphillips18 said:

    My best friend didn't come to mine and while I shouldn't have been upset because she had a fair reason (she's bipolar, had a mental breakdown) I still was a little butt hurt. I haven't seen her in over a year and was looking forward to seeing her and my god daughter. In fact, I pretty much came to California just to see her. She told me a couple days before that she wasn't gonna come and I admit I cried. I was there for her baby shower and really wanted her there for mine. And I was there for her during her entire pregnancy, she lived with me abd everything.

    That's exactly how I feel. I'm always there for her when she needs me, but it's never been the other way around. When my grandfather died last September I didn't hear from her for 4 days. But when both of her grandparents died I was right there. It's definetly been a 1 way friendship. I feel I deserve for her to want to be there. I even gave her a 3 months notice of the shower and she just got the invite and says no. I'm the first of our friends to have a baby, I just feel she doesn't care. She's very self involved
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  • cait040415cait040415 member
    I think that if she's just refusing to come and participate and there really is no reason, like finances or work, preventing her, you might need to have a talk with her!!! I have a friend who has kind of been negative about this pregnancy and trying to burst my bubble on EVERYTHING since finding out that I was pregnant. However, I also am fully aware that her and her husband have struggled with trying to have another kid since theirs was born 7 years ago, so I do cut her some slack and have kind of distanced myself from her. Not because I'm angry, but because I understand what she might be feeling and I dont need negativity around me or the pregnancy right now. On the other hand, one of my very best friends and I, despite talking almost every day, missed each other's weddings and I know she won't be able to make my baby shower because she will be like 3 weeks from her due date. The only reason I can go to hers is because she is having it in our hometown, which is where I still live. It doesn't hurt our feelings when we miss these things because we communicate and make time for each other in other areas of our lives, like true friends should. It's hard enough to have your best friend so far away, especially if there is underlying tension. Hugs! <3 hope it gets better, hon!
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  • FinalyFoundFinalyFound member
    It may not be in her budget but is it possible she's going through something that might be 'baby' related? Could she have suffered a loss and just can't be in any type of environment that's baby related? She may not have said anything to you even though your BFFs.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • J0C0TXJ0C0TX member

    LaurenNewph - been there bought that t-shirt.  I heard the night before - I'm not coming from someone I had regarded as a close friend.  4,000 miles away and many years later contact is sporadic via fb or xmas cards.  I never fell out, but I did pull back.

    @chelseajeanene - it's ok to feel how you feel.  Some people just don't put the same effort into friendships and when they are all one way it makes it hard to want to keep trying.

     

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  • off2thefunnyfarmoff2thefunnyfarm member
    honestly, I can speculate on possible reasons why she won't or can't come, (money, too busy with work) but do you guys talk often? Do you feel like she is pulling away in general?  It kinda sounds like to me that she no longer considers you that close of a friend.  It might help to do some real thinking on if she is still as close as you think you are.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • thinkpink101thinkpink101 member
    I don't think it's strange that you are upset, of course you'd want her there! At the same time, even if it's technically a short flight it's still expensive and time consuming (drive to airport, parking, going through security, flight itself) and if she can't take much time off it's a long way to come for one party. Maybe she'd rather come visit when the baby is born?

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  • michcoy85michcoy85 member
    edited June 2015
    Too funny, I could have written this. My sister and my best friend moved to SC and I am in Jersey. I know flights are expensive, as I have driven down for events instead of flying myself and have not always had the luxury of time to fly and have missed things. I know you are disappointed but life is busy and traveling is expensive. Maybe you guys can skype when your shower gets close and for her to "meet" baby. 
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    thinkpink101 said:

    I don't think it's strange that you are upset, of course you'd want her there! At the same time, even if it's technically a short flight it's still expensive and time consuming (drive to airport, parking, going through security, flight itself) and if she can't take much time off it's a long way to come for one party. Maybe she'd rather come visit when the baby is born?

    I can only hope she's come visit the baby when he's actually here, but I can't count on it. She only leaves SC when it's her nephews birthday during June, but she goes to PA and that's 3-4 hours away from where I am so I don't get to see her anyway. I think once the shower happens I'm just not going to out effort into our relationship anymore, it causes me too much pain and she just doesn't get it, so why should I try?
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  • ellaivannaellaivanna member
    I had a best friend who lived 2 hours away. She didnt attend any of my bridal events (shower, batchlorette, or wedding). Given she was pregnant due around the wedding day. I completly understood she couldnt attend the wedding. But to not attend the bridal shower which was months before. And i had other pregnant ladies attend parts of my batchlorette. She never even gave a card for my wedding to congratulate me. That being said i never forgave her. We didnt argue, just simply parted ways and i stopped making an effort to talk to her. People grow apart and if ur not important in their lives then why should they be important in yours.
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    ellaivanna said:

    I had a best friend who lived 2 hours away. She didnt attend any of my bridal events (shower, batchlorette, or wedding). Given she was pregnant due around the wedding day. I completly understood she couldnt attend the wedding. But to not attend the bridal shower which was months before. And i had other pregnant ladies attend parts of my batchlorette. She never even gave a card for my wedding to congratulate me. That being said i never forgave her. We didnt argue, just simply parted ways and i stopped making an effort to talk to her. People grow apart and if ur not important in their lives then why should they be important in yours.

    I'm sorry that happened to you, but I feel that is what's going to happen with us. It just breaks me to think we're almost 25 and have been the best of friends since we were 9. But I guess what's meant to be will be. I can't keep letting it slide and just be upset and not say anything to her cause I know how she'll react and I'll look like the bad guy and she'll just stop talking to me anyway. I guess we'll see..
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  • excited2bmommy09excited2bmommy09 member
    It's not wrong to be upset and you have every right (I would be too!), but I will say that since you have been friends for such a long time you should definitely be able to talk to her about it. I have a similar situation where my bestie has been my best friend since I was 3 and she moved out of state 5 years ago. In some ways we are more like sisters at this point and we can tell each other anything even if it results in a fight, which it sometimes does. She is flying here for my shower this summer and also for baby's birth this fall. There have been many times that one of us is irritated with the other and feels disregarded or pushed aside, but after we talk about it we always find out that there is a reason. Then it's open for resolution. It's just like any other relationship, you have to communicate to understand each other's feelings and problem solve. She may be feeling something or going through something she doesn't know how to talk to you about too...
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  • wannabeamongoosewannabeamongoose member
    I don't blame you at all for being upset. It's fair to talk to her about how hurt you feel. You might learn that actually finances are an issue or she's having a hard time coping with something else. That being said, if she's not invested in your relationship in general, and isn't interested in coming to your shower specifically, there isn't much you can do other than grieve over the losses associated with your changing relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean she's a bad friend, things and people just change and you may no longer be a priority. It sucks when friendships change, especially when you are trying to hold on to them, but especially over a distance growing apart is sometimes inevitable.

    **TW**
    Me & DH: 32
    Married 2013
    Kiddo #1: Sept 2015
    BFP: 1/19, EDD: 9/30

    "I'm having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it's mostly just grapes, actually. Ok all grapes. Fermented grapes. Fine, I'm having wine for dinner."
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  • alyjmacalyjmac member
    edited June 2015
    I understand this, I'm in a similar situation. I let my best friend know two months before my shower which will be July 11th and she was fine with it. About a week or two ago she told me she ended up getting VIP tickets to a concert. So, instead of going to my shower she decided the concert was more important. She has never really been the type who likes to listen to things going on in my life. Conversations are always one sided. It definitely hurts and I'm starting to feel like giving up on the relationship.
    I hope you and your friend can work it out, since the situations are a little different (my friend only lives 20 minutes away). Like PPs have said, maybe you just need to talk to her more about it ? Maybe she does have a really good reason to not be able to come. One way or the other I hope your shower is amazing and you can enjoy it! :)
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    alyjmac said:

    I understand this, I'm in a similar situation. I let my best friend know two months before my shower which will be July 11th and she was fine with it. About a week or two ago she told me she ended up getting VIP tickets to a concert. So, instead of going to my shower she decided the concert was more important. She has never really been the type who likes to listen to things going on in my life. Conversations are always one sided. It definitely hurts and I'm starting to feel like giving up on the relationship.
    I hope you and your friend can work it out, since the situations are a little different (my friend only lives 20 minutes away). Like PPs have said, maybe you just need to talk to her more about it ? Maybe she does have a really good reason to not be able to come. One way or the other I hope your shower is amazing and you. An enjoy it! :)



    A concert...? I'm sorry..that's such a bitch move. I would've rather she lied then said that. Anytime I do talk to her it turns into her getting pissed and just cuts off contact. She went an entire year without contacting me once over something SHE said that upset me. I know it's not worth it

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  • alyjmacalyjmac member
    chelseajeanene said:

    alyjmac said:

    I understand this, I'm in a similar situation. I let my best friend know two months before my shower which will be July 11th and she was fine with it. About a week or two ago she told me she ended up getting VIP tickets to a concert. So, instead of going to my shower she decided the concert was more important. She has never really been the type who likes to listen to things going on in my life. Conversations are always one sided. It definitely hurts and I'm starting to feel like giving up on the relationship.
    I hope you and your friend can work it out, since the situations are a little different (my friend only lives 20 minutes away). Like PPs have said, maybe you just need to talk to her more about it ? Maybe she does have a really good reason to not be able to come. One way or the other I hope your shower is amazing and you. An enjoy it! :)



    A concert...? I'm sorry..that's such a bitch move. I would've rather she lied then said that. Anytime I do talk to her it turns into her getting pissed and just cuts off contact. She went an entire year without contacting me once over something SHE said that upset me. I know it's not worth it

    Yeah! I honestly didn't know what to say. I was trying so hard not to flip out. She's just lucky she said it through text and not to my face... I had time to cool down before sending a response.
    Sounds awful, she's obviously not a good friend to you. Hard to just cut ties, but maybe it's for the best.
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  • shaunnar053shaunnar053 member
    Well first off, my shower is July 25th too!! We're shower date buddies :D . Also, I'd be more upset with the fact that she doesn't even ask you about your pregnancy! THAT would upset me more than her not coming to the shower! I'd be a little peeved if my friends/family couldn't make it to my shower, but I'd get over it. I guess I myself am kind of an introvert by nature so I understand more when people bail on social events, etc. However, my friends and family ask me every time I talk to them "How are you??? How's baby?? :) " and that means the WORLD to me that I'm on their mind and they care enough to ask. I'd be pretty sad if my best friends didn't even bother asking about my growing little soul in my belly :( . A party is just a party in the end (it's only one day), but how she treats you day in and day out is more important and it sounds like she's really dropping the ball.. Good luck girl! I'm sorry your friend is being so distant and unsupportive :( .
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    edited June 2015
    barrelocarol said:

    @chelseajeanene For starters, never invalidate yourself. Of course you're allowed to feel however you feel.

    But I want to say something else: I'm reading almost no understanding on your part towards your best friend. Sure, her circumstances may seem to appear a certain way to you, but another person can never truly know another's position. Just bc she "appears" to have enough money for a plane ticket, doesn't mean she actually has it.

    Be her friend. A true friend. Show her understanding first. She may be more receptive to this. She may feel rejected and misunderstood by you. A best friend shows understanding at all times.

    Seek to understand her first and only. Then, revisit your stance on her, but only after you've worked tirelessly to see things from her point of view.

    Sorry that was so long, amongst other things.



    I never said she doesn't have things going on. I'm not going to air out her business on here, other then my feelings about the situation. I'm upset because she's missed all my milestones in life and doesn't try to make them either. I don't get excuses for why, I just get a decline to whatever the situation always is. All of her friends down here have to fly down to see her, it's never her coming to us. I've offered to even let her stay with me for weeks at a time for her to see us down here, but it's always a decline. She's the type of person who needs everyone to be there for her and doesn't know how to be there when we need her. It's the way she is and there's no changing it and I just have to accept it on my own terms. Like I said to someone else, I voiced my feelings to her about something she had done and that resulted in her not contacting me for over a year. I had to go to her, it's the same situation. I think I deserve for her to be the "true friend" for once.
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    @shaunnarose I can't wait for the shower!! But you're right about her not asking about the baby. I think that's why her declining to the shower hurts me so much. I feel that was my last chance to get her involved with the pregnancy and now I don't have any chance for her to show interest towards it. It's just so upsetting. I care too much
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  • LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
    I kind of had a similar situation...but with a twist. All my friends had kids right out of high school , or were married by 21! I went to every party and now that I'm finally in those stages(I'm only 30 for pete's sake!), they refuse to make time for me. They are busy with their families and there is no time for someone who is 'so behind the curve'. It hurts!! I wasn't in their 'stages', yet I was still supportive and happy for them. I had to let a lot of friendships ago. I would rather have 2 real friends than 14 fake friends. :) So, it worked out.
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  • seamonkey4seamonkey4 member
    I'm sorry she isn't coming. I'm in the same boat. 2 people I invited, that I was certain would come, I consider my best friends. I was in ones wedding, and attended the other's as well...neither local I might add. As it turns out, neither of them are coming. In fact, only 4 of the 30 people I invited, are coming. If my host weren't so excited, I'd cancel the whole thing. My one friend doesn't understand why it's so early. Invites were sent out 6 weeks ahead of time, and I will be 30 weeks at the shower! Plenty of notice. I told her 1- I don't want to be so big and have it be 90+ degrees in August that I can't enjoy my shower, and 2- this isn't like a bridal shower, I need to know what I have to financially invest in after the shower for baby. She doesn't understand and the only reason she gave for not attending was how early it was. Be hurt, you're allowed. I'm not very outspoken so my response was simply okay. Maybe you are better at voicing your feelings than I am and you can talk to your friend. I hope despite her absence, you enjoy your shower!
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    @seamonkey4 I'm so sorry you're in the same situation I am, she's only 1 of my two best friends so I'm thankful the other one is so excited and so into the baby.
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  • Wgostyla86Wgostyla86 member
    You're pregnant and have lots of added hormones and feelings and its your best friend of course your allowed to feel upset ! My sister moved to SC and im lucky enough we were able to change my baby shower date so she could come but it's only bc it's during her trip here (she's getting married here next May and has wedding stuff to do here in CT) . But im devestated my daughter will barely have a physical relationship w her aunt and I always thought my sister would be here for my big moments but her reason is usually budget and job schedule. And I have to realize it's not that im not a priority it's just she CANT do the trips more often. I don't know how soon she'll get back here to see her first neice. But tell your friend your disappointed she can't make it and go spend some good time with your partner and try not to stress or get down! Im sure it's not intentional there's probably s reason behind it I.e. Budget etc.
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  • LoveLee85LoveLee85 member
    I forgot to add, two of those weddings were cross country!! I took off work, bought the ugly/expensive bridesmaid dress, airfare, hotel, missed college(rescheduled a midterm), AND brought a gift. I gladly did that because I loved those girls and just knew they would do the same for me. Nope, I was wrong! One of them we are still ' happy birthday' friends, text only, but it's just crazy how things change. I'm not mad at these friends, just knew this was the point of letting go. It's amazing how now that I let it go, I'm not offended and it just doesn't bother me.

    People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Either way, I'm grateful for the memories.
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  • amp61470amp61470 member
    Thank you for posting this. I have you beat. One of my best friends, also since we were 9, lives in Kansas now, we are in MA. She is coming up for 2 weeks and will be on the cape. She gets into town on Friday and my Shower is on Sunday. She says she needs to decompress! This is typical though as she has lived away for the almost 20 years and misses most events in all our friends lives. I am a bit upset. Another friend is coming from NC and staying in Boston with a 3rd friend, they are both coming so that is nice, however, I got a little more ticked off yesterday when the friend in Boston told me the Kansas friend was trying to get them both to come to the cape for the weekend!! WTH!!!!
    Missed Miscarriage 3/27 D&C 3/29/2012
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  • CaboBride2015CaboBride2015 member
    edited June 2015
    Sounds like a sign that it's time to let this friendship morph into a different stage and focus on the friends and family who really are there for you. You're absolutely allowed to be upset, I would be and have been when it's happened to me, but try not to let it over shadow the joy of what's going on in your life right now and those who are happy to be a part of it. :)
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  • dmland17dmland17 member
    I hate to say it, but if finances aren't the cause of her not going, it may be more of a one sided friendship. It sounds like maybe you have more invested in it that she does. It doesn't mean she doesn't still care about you, but I can be why she doesn't see the need to travel for these milestones. My sister is in a friendship like this right now. Another woman thinks of her as her best friend, and my sister truly likes her, but she just doesn't see them being as close as the other lady does. It makes these life event things sort of awkward for her, actually. 
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  • HeathermoumenHeathermoumen member
    When one person does everything and the other only takes that is a huge problem and possibly not worth the effort any longer. However, if it is a matter of communication or something like that I suggest the book "the five love languages". It helps you understand all kinds of people not just romantic relationships. You will be able to know what makes others feel loved and communicate how you feel loved. But if the other person doesn't care, I say cut your losses at some point.
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  • knottie18fc2bb10ed6e9b1knottie18fc2bb10ed6e9b1 Just Joined
    I did this once. The reason- this so call friend insulted me that no guy would date or marry me because I was from a poor neighborhood. She then "forgot" my 50th birthday. She disappeared for a year and then told me she was expecting and wanted to know why I wasn't available to attend the shower. Never disappear or disrespect a friend. Sometimes people say things off the cuff. I get it. She is still wondering why I dumped her as a friend. Give and get respect.
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