Intro! (Kind of long, sorry)

WarmthOfTheSun · June 2015

Hello all! I've had my account almost 10 days, and every morning I sit here and start typing my intro post and end up deleting. I've been a long time lurker, and I'm finally ready to join the community and participate but I'm scared. I also really need the support. I'm 26, married, and we've been TTC #1 since Aug 2013. At that time, I went to my OBGYN for a full checkup. She told me I should probably work on getting my weight down, but gave me the 'all clear' to go for the BFP.

It's funny, I remember after that I started buying baby clothes (clearance deals at Target, onsies and little bath robes). I couldn't contain my excitement. I even began planning the birth announcement and how we would surprise our parents. I truly believed we would be pregnant within 3 months. Month after month I went through the same emotional roller coaster that I know you all have been through countless times. The excitement of BD with DH and knowing it could lead to our baby, the horrid TWW where every cramp, hiccup and pang is a possible symptom of pregnancy, trying desperately to wait until at least 8DPO to POAS and failing horribly, which leads to a trip to Dollar Tree to re-up on 10 more tests! Getting my BFN month after month. Buying every conception book you can imagine. Tracking my period, temping and graphing, countless OPKs, eating more yams, eating more leafy greens, switching pre-natals, trying pre-seed, throwing my legs over my head, BDing in every position imaginable. IT'S EXHAUSTING! Oh, and not to mention that in addition to ALL THIS, you have mom, SIL, sister, friends, etc. all asking "are you pregnant yet?" because I was a blabbermouth in the early stages and wanted to shout "we're TTC!" from the rooftops. Watching friend after friend post FB pictures of ultrasounds, baby showers, births, and those "monthly" photos with the numbered patches everyone seems to have.

I knew it was finally time to woman-up and post here when I was actually jealous of Kim Kardashian. Seriously, what's wrong with me? I knew she was having trouble TTC for about 18 months, so poor girl was going through what all of us are, and still I thought, "SHE ALREADY HAS EVERYTHING!" As if her being successful means she doesn't deserve children? I'm a jerk, I know.

Anyway, I finally decided that enough is enough and I made my first appt with an infertility specialist for Friday. You may wonder why it has taken so long for me to do that, and the answer is that I'm an idiot. I was/am scared. I'm scared they will just look at me and say, "well, you're overweight so...." and close their books. I'm scared they will say I can't have kids. I'm scared I'll need surgery or some type of procedure we can't afford. I'm scared to death. DH is also having his sperm checked. We are both on edge this week.

So, anyway, sorry for the long rant. I can't talk to my friend's and family about this. It's too private, too raw. I promise to be more involved in this community and I can't wait to get to know the ladies here and hear their stories and advice!!

GoldenKeys · June 2015

Welcome... and I am so glad that you decided to come out of lurking!   You just described my first two years of TTC to a "T"... and I'm sure that there are plenty of others who can relate as well!   I'm sorry that you've been having a rough time of it, please don't feel guilty for feeling jealous of Kim Kardashian -- heck if I had unlimited resources like she does for treatment, I would have had 25 kids already.   Seriously though, those feelings come with the territory.   You just have to breathe and work through it.

I always feel like doing a fist pump when someone says that they bit the bullet and made an appointment with a fertility specialist. It's a scary step but once you have done it you will feel so empowered. Getting real answers makes such a difference.

A good doctor will not turn you away based solely on your weight. For many of us, the extra weight is caused by our fertility issues and not the other way around... like PCOS and thyroid issues. You are entitled to quality care, period.   Some procedures like IVF might have weight targets, but there are always options. Since extra weight does affect your medication dosages and effectiveness, it's always a good idea to work on it of course.   I am battling losing weight myself and it's so freaking hard.

Anyway I'm rambling on so I'll stop here by saying I'm sorry that you have to be here but really glad that you found us.

J_k4ever05 · June 2015

@WarmthofTheSun Welcome! You are are not alone at all. I was not that ecstatic about KKs pregnancy either. I feel like @GoldenKeys if I had that kind of money I would not be benched right now LOL. The best thing I can tell you about this process is that you have to go into it optimistic and with an open mind. You will worry. You will not always like the idea of having to go through this process but it is worth the try. GOOD LUCK.

WarmthOfTheSun · June 2015

Thank you both so much!! It feels like a weight off my shoulders to know I'm not alone. I can't wait to update my post after Friday's appt!

mrscaruso14 · June 2015

Wow...first of all let me say, that was very well written. Like steal the words from my soul & type them, so kudos. You should think about blogging. I am so sorry you've had to deal with the disappointment of a long TTC journey. As Golden Keys said ( in her also beautifully stated reply) we have all been there. It used to terrify me to even think about trying for another month just so I wouldn't have to deal with that ache at the end of it. I've done a lot of healing over the past few months and I've sort of been at peace with it all. I put my faith in a higher power and also in my own body. It is meant to do this, so it will. I kind of use it as a mantra, whatever helps right lol. Anyways best of luck to you! I hope you find answers and an easy resolution.

WarmthOfTheSun · June 2015

mrscaruso14 thank you for the compliment! I love your peaceful mindset, I'm going to channel your mantra when I feel stressed!

UPDATE: I had my appt this morning and it wasn't all I'd hoped it would be. They basically just talked to me and set me up for blood work on day 3 of my cycle and an ultrasound on day 21. Also DH has to have his semen tested. After these 3 tests they will evaluate and let us know if they need to do more testing or prescribe Clomid. Sigh!!

GoldenKeys · June 2015

@WarmthoftheSun Did they schedule your HSG? If not demand one. If your tubes are blocked no amount of clomid will get you pregnant.

Want a personalized experience?

Intro! (Kind of long, sorry)

Re: Intro! (Kind of long, sorry)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards