Thank you all for this post. I never even thought about rules after baby is here. As first time parents it didn't even occur to me how overwhelming it's all going to be for us and that I have no clue what to expect or what to do once we get home. I guess I should start thinking about this and if I should or need to start talking to BF about laying down the ground rules. I don't talk to my own mom so I don't expect her help. But bfs parents live ten minutes down the road as do my dad and step mom. That's about the only family I have but fortunately they aren't real pushy. Bfs parents don't seem to be but who knows once baby is here. I might be bringing up this discussion later on this evening to see if BF is willing to listen and discuss it. He's also one to say how much time we have and really, were almost half way there so I feel like we're gonna blink and she'll be in our arms.
Thank you all for this post. I never even thought about rules after baby is here. As first time parents it didn't even occur to me how overwhelming it's all going to be for us and that I have no clue what to expect or what to do once we get home. I guess I should start thinking about this and if I should or need to start talking to BF about laying down the ground rules. I don't talk to my own mom so I don't expect her help. But bfs parents live ten minutes down the road as do my dad and step mom. That's about the only family I have but fortunately they aren't real pushy. Bfs parents don't seem to be but who knows once baby is here. I might be bringing up this discussion later on this evening to see if BF is willing to listen and discuss it. He's also one to say how much time we have and really, were almost half way there so I feel like we're gonna blink and she'll be in our arms.
Love this topic. H and I talked about have either my mom or MIL come to the hospital to get a wrist band and then having them leave, but I hated MIL law texting H every hour to see how I was doing. My ILs were in my recovery room before I was. I will have my duola and possibly mom in the delivery room. Ex H and his mom and dad only can come after the baby is born. Ex H was planning on taking a week off work and moving back into the house. Ummm....no. My mom might come over daily after work to check on us and might take DD for a few days here and there but other than that I need time with my family. Is it mean not to let ex H in the delivery room with me? I feel like it is an intimate time and do not want him seeing me like that.
Nope- because of your previous posts about what a peach he has been he can GTFO of the delivery room, you do not need that drama in there. You are not talking about denying him seeing his child so whatever is going to work for you during PP recovery time is the way it's going to go.
As an add on to why I need to create post birth boundaries... My MIL has been reminding us all that it's her bday this weekend. Her bday celebration options were for us to either spend the weekend with her at the beach or to start Saturday with sharing DD's swim class, followed by an amusement park, followed by a dinner.... All centered around my 14mo old. It's normal to expect ppl to do this for your bday right? WTF!!!!!!!! I said DD is too young for an amusement park. Especially with a 4hr round trip ride. I suggested strawberry picking with a pony ride and petting zoo. I haven't heard back...
Ugh! DH, step it up man... I can't manage your mom alone.
I might also limit the number of visitors in your house at 1 time. I don't do well with big groups, personally. DD1 was 5 days old at Thanksgiving and everyone kept passing her around "so (I) could eat." I didn't know where she was half the time. When I finally got her back to feed her, she was so overwhelmed that she wouldn't latch. Set the rules, get SO on your side with the, and make sure you both hold your ground! Good luck!
I plan on continuing to remind her and any other visitors besides my parents, of our plans once we have the baby. I'll have rules for while we are in the hospital and once we are home. My husband and I will need to take time discussing those rules over the course of the pregnancy as they have changed since my previous 2 pregnancies. It will all depend on how my recovery goes and my energy level once home. My parents live only 4 minutes away and are very respectful of any rules we may and have set. My MIL is a different story and I know I'll have to be forceful with her personally. She's already mentioned celebrating Thanskgiving and I really don't know if we will celebrate since my due date is the 23rd. I have a feeling we'll go early but I know I'm a bear at least two weeks after baby is born. Visitors will be based on an hour by hour decision. Hope this helps!
I plan on continuing to remind her and any other visitors besides my parents, of our plans once we have the baby. I'll have rules for while we are in the hospital and once we are home. My husband and I will need to take time discussing those rules over the course of the pregnancy as they have changed since my previous 2 pregnancies. It will all depend on how my recovery goes and my energy level once home. My parents live only 4 minutes away and are very respectful of any rules we may and have set. My MIL is a different story and I know I'll have to be forceful with her personally. She's already mentioned celebrating Thanskgiving and I really don't know if we will celebrate since my due date is the 23rd. I have a feeling we'll go early but I know I'm a bear at least two weeks after baby is born. Visitors will be based on an hour by hour decision. Hope this helps!
I plan on continuing to remind her and any other visitors besides my parents, of our plans once we have the baby. I'll have rules for while we are in the hospital and once we are home. My husband and I will need to take time discussing those rules over the course of the pregnancy as they have changed since my previous 2 pregnancies. It will all depend on how my recovery goes and my energy level once home. My parents live only 4 minutes away and are very respectful of any rules we may and have set. My MIL is a different story and I know I'll have to be forceful with her personally. She's already mentioned celebrating Thanskgiving and I really don't know if we will celebrate since my due date is the 23rd. I have a feeling we'll go early but I know I'm a bear at least two weeks after baby is born. Visitors will be based on an hour by hour decision. Hope this helps!
This! I'm a FTM but I've struggled with having my H lay down the boundaries with my ILs. I'm definitely going to be reserving the right to make decisions about visitors on an hour by hour basis!
This thread has been so helpful as I really hadn't thought about this part of the birth yet. I've gotten so many great ideas. Thanks everyone!
@KarinAnn60, glad we could help you! And def make sure you and hubby are on the same page and if he can help soften the blow if need be! Keep us posted.
We had a scheduled c section but didn't share the date with anyone. We called family from the hospital after our daughter arrived. That bought us time and made it more special for my husband and myself that it was our little secret. We posted photos of the new baby on Facebook that evening for extended family and friends to see and find out. That was also the first I had even mentioned of being pregnant on FB so it was pretty funny that some people were blindsided. This time around will be slightly different since we'll need to secure a sitter for our daughter while we're at the hospital.
I might also limit the number of visitors in your house at 1 time. I don't do well with big groups, personally. DD1 was 5 days old at Thanksgiving and everyone kept passing her around "so (I) could eat." I didn't know where she was half the time. When I finally got her back to feed her, she was so overwhelmed that she wouldn't latch. Set the rules, get SO on your side with the, and make sure you both hold your ground! Good luck!
This too. My daughter was 3 weeks old the first time she was around a bunch of family and so overstimulated that it was hard to get her to eat and relax after. This time we are going to take it much slower and more spread out with visitors.
I'm due thanksgiving day and we told family that's just for us alone as a family of 3. We said our immediate family can come for Christmas afternoon at our house but we won't be seeing extended family until the baby is a little older.
Love this topic. H and I talked about have either my mom or MIL come to the hospital to get a wrist band and then having them leave, but I hated MIL law texting H every hour to see how I was doing. My ILs were in my recovery room before I was. I will have my duola and possibly mom in the delivery room. Ex H and his mom and dad only can come after the baby is born. Ex H was planning on taking a week off work and moving back into the house. Ummm....no. My mom might come over daily after work to check on us and might take DD for a few days here and there but other than that I need time with my family. Is it mean not to let ex H in the delivery room with me? I feel like it is an intimate time and do not want him seeing me like that.
I don't know if it's "mean" not to let him in, but is he the child's father? Do you expect him to be an active part of this child's life? Co-parenting is hard and it's usually what we least feel like doing, but allowing him that bonding experience with his child may be important for your family. Only you can make that decision though and perhaps you can have an "above the waist only" rule for him that you express both to him and your doula.
Edit: Is H a different person than ex H? I may have read this all wrong. Sorry.
I don't know what terms you and your ex are on, but if they're at all stressed (and I'd imagine they are), I wouldn't let him in the delivery room anyway. You'll be under enough stress as it is, and you don't need to also have to deal with any residual relationship issues. However, I would definitely let him see the baby right after, and I would consider letting him stay at the house the first week to help take care of the baby. You shouldn't have to do all of that yourself, even with your mom's help. Of course, that entirely depends on what kind of person he is.
Love this topic. H and I talked about have either my mom or MIL come to the hospital to get a wrist band and then having them leave, but I hated MIL law texting H every hour to see how I was doing. My ILs were in my recovery room before I was. I will have my duola and possibly mom in the delivery room. Ex H and his mom and dad only can come after the baby is born. Ex H was planning on taking a week off work and moving back into the house. Ummm....no. My mom might come over daily after work to check on us and might take DD for a few days here and there but other than that I need time with my family. Is it mean not to let ex H in the delivery room with me? I feel like it is an intimate time and do not want him seeing me like that.
I don't know if it's "mean" not to let him in, but is he the child's father? Do you expect him to be an active part of this child's life? Co-parenting is hard and it's usually what we least feel like doing, but allowing him that bonding experience with his child may be important for your family. Only you can make that decision though and perhaps you can have an "above the waist only" rule for him that you express both to him and your doula.
Edit: Is H a different person than ex H? I may have read this all wrong. Sorry.
I don't know what terms you and your ex are on, but if they're at all stressed (and I'd imagine they are), I wouldn't let him in the delivery room anyway. You'll be under enough stress as it is, and you don't need to also have to deal with any residual relationship issues. However, I would definitely let him see the baby right after, and I would consider letting him stay at the house the first week to help take care of the baby. You shouldn't have to do all of that yourself, even with your mom's help. Of course, that entirely depends on what kind of person he is.
Her Ex left and blindsided her after she got pregnant and has been a jerk (nicest I could do). They have a 2 yr old also. Based on the history and his behavior if she lets him in that room she's likely going to be dealing with more drama.
Love this topic. H and I talked about have either my mom or MIL come to the hospital to get a wrist band and then having them leave, but I hated MIL law texting H every hour to see how I was doing. My ILs were in my recovery room before I was. I will have my duola and possibly mom in the delivery room. Ex H and his mom and dad only can come after the baby is born. Ex H was planning on taking a week off work and moving back into the house. Ummm....no. My mom might come over daily after work to check on us and might take DD for a few days here and there but other than that I need time with my family. Is it mean not to let ex H in the delivery room with me? I feel like it is an intimate time and do not want him seeing me like that.
I don't know if it's "mean" not to let him in, but is he the child's father? Do you expect him to be an active part of this child's life? Co-parenting is hard and it's usually what we least feel like doing, but allowing him that bonding experience with his child may be important for your family. Only you can make that decision though and perhaps you can have an "above the waist only" rule for him that you express both to him and your doula.
Edit: Is H a different person than ex H? I may have read this all wrong. Sorry.
I don't know what terms you and your ex are on, but if they're at all stressed (and I'd imagine they are), I wouldn't let him in the delivery room anyway. You'll be under enough stress as it is, and you don't need to also have to deal with any residual relationship issues. However, I would definitely let him see the baby right after, and I would consider letting him stay at the house the first week to help take care of the baby. You shouldn't have to do all of that yourself, even with your mom's help. Of course, that entirely depends on what kind of person he is.
Her Ex left and blindsided her after she got pregnant and has been a jerk (nicest I could do). They have a 2 yr old also. Based on the history and his behavior if she lets him in that room she's likely going to be dealing with more drama.
Ahhh. That's a different scenario then, although the co-parenting issues stand. Even if he's an incredible ass, as long as he's not abusive they need to figure out how to be parents together.
Re: STM+ moms: Advice on coming home "rules"
Ugh! DH, step it up man... I can't manage your mom alone.
This thread has been so helpful as I really hadn't thought about this part of the birth yet. I've gotten so many great ideas. Thanks everyone!
This time around will be slightly different since we'll need to secure a sitter for our daughter while we're at the hospital.
My daughter was 3 weeks old the first time she was around a bunch of family and so overstimulated that it was hard to get her to eat and relax after.
This time we are going to take it much slower and more spread out with visitors.
I'm due thanksgiving day and we told family that's just for us alone as a family of 3. We said our immediate family can come for Christmas afternoon at our house but we won't be seeing extended family until the baby is a little older.
Her Ex left and blindsided her after she got pregnant and has been a jerk (nicest I could do). They have a 2 yr old also. Based on the history and his behavior if she lets him in that room she's likely going to be dealing with more drama.