what's with all the shaming?

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

I thought this discussion board was supposed to be a tool used for support. I can hardly look at a single thread/post without finding someone (and in most cases many someones) who are SO opinionated and nasty that they tear the poor woman down who originally posted. What's that about? Everyone's journey is different and we are in no place to judge all these women for wanting to talk about something. Surely, we can find a way to express our opinions with respect for the concerned mother that we are supposed to be encouraging and supporting. Is it just hormones or what? I am beside myself with all the negativity.

jessica122015 · June 2015

I know exactly what you mean. It's discouraging to want to ask a question or reply an answer. I'm always worried someone is going to sarcastically quote me and tear my words apart. That or add some silly gif for no reason. But I am here to support and share my worries with other moms.

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

Thank you! I just don't see any reason for it, it certainly doesn't benefit anyone. Why tear someone else down who is going through pretty much the same thing as you? Even when I think someone is asking a silly question, I would never disrespect them like that because everyone comes from different backgrounds and some mom's just don't know what to do.

ammnam14 · June 2015

Yes! Thank you! There is always a right and wrong way to say something. I know it's the internet, but really!!!

redfallon · June 2015

... and cue popcorn...

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

?

merci81 · June 2015

I agree. It is usually the same petty women. It's getting old fast.

313Meg · June 2015

That would for sure hurt my butt.

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

Some people...

ammnam14 · June 2015

And cue stupid gifs..

Although that cracked me up. Haha

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

Well I couldn't have posted without at least one sarcastic response! Haha its expected

redfallon · June 2015

Name calling is against TOU.

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

Ooh I will have to find the ignore button.

I don't usually get offended by just one person, especially people I don't know. But I saw several boards where it wasn't women challenging each other, it was just plain rude. The gif things and the snarkyness just get out of hand. I'm a nurse so I'm all up for a heated debate, but it needs to be done respectfully because we are grown women responsible for raising children. I certainly wouldn't want my child growing up thinking it was okay to insult someone based on a different level of education or differing opinion.

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

I don't like to infer tone in written word either, but if one woman is calling the other woman stupid or ignorant and telling them to go find another board to "puss and moan" on, that's out of hand.

313Meg · June 2015

Just so you know... I've only shamed 1 person and I will be happy to back it. Never have I ever not given anyone my support on this board. And if you look, i'm extremely active here.

Just because someone's opinion differs doesn't equal negativity nor shaming. You will see differing opinions every single thread. Don't worry, you will either leave or stay. And if you stay, you may end up understanding it's not about making someone feel bad, it's about helping someone learn. I can say this when it comes to me at least.

Edited to add- If you have been around longer than 12 replies, you would see that posts like this ALWAYS are the drama starters.

Blake&Blair · June 2015

Here's the thing, not everyone is here for "support" or maybe we all just have a different meaning for that word. It's TB, it's entertaining and there are awesome ladies here and when shit hits the fan, will be there for you to confide in. Otherwise, no, this place is not meant to be taken seriously. If you have an opinion, be prepared to stick up for it and roll the other shit off your back. I really hope "shaming" doesn't become the new "bullying".

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

redfallon said:
Name calling is against TOU.

dp1320 · June 2015

I don't get why people get so up in arms over this stuff...it's the internet. And this is like the 10th Kumbaya post and we're not even out of the first tri.

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

Knottie33778600 said:
Ooh I will have to find the ignore button. I don't usually get offended by just one person, especially people I don't know. But I saw several boards where it wasn't women challenging each other, it was just plain rude. The gif things and the snarkyness just get out of hand. I'm a nurse so I'm all up for a heated debate, but it needs to be done respectfully because we are grown women responsible for raising children. I certainly wouldn't want my child growing up thinking it was okay to insult someone based on a different level of education or differing opinion.

I'm not talking about insulting, but I'm talking about a difference of opinion. I certainly would hope that you wouldn't discourage her child from becoming an attorney? That's a perfectly reasonable profession where you earn your living based on disagreement. Proving a point is how you make your living when you're an attorney. I have a lot of respect for nurses! I've been very sick myself and without the nurses I don't know what I would've done… But there is a place in this world for other people also.

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

I completely agree with helping to educate other women if they are really needing it. I have not come across one single woman that I felt the need to criticize for her questions. And my post being "kumbaya" is just hilarious..since when did wanting positive, healthy and respectful conversations become a bad thing or something to make fun of?

Knottie33778600 · June 2015

See what I mean? Even THIS gets criticized for no good reason. Goodness..

VesperLove · June 2015

Posts like these go downhill fast and I think the main reason for that is because they're hypocritical.

Please note: My saying this post is hypocritical is not rude. It is not disrespectful. Too often on this board a difference in opinion is immediately tagged as rude, disrespectful, negative, snarky, sarcastic, or inappropriate. I think that's half the problem.

But to get back to my point, these posts go downhill because they are hypocritical. They are posted out of frustration for those on this board that some feel are rude or condescending and yet this very post is meant to openly call out those people, which I also find rude and condescending.

The fact is that this is a public forum. It is a group of hundreds of women from different backgrounds and walks of life all going through ONE similar experience of pregnancy -- but aside from that, many of us do not and will never have anything in common. That should be understood by anyone that chooses to use these boards. And as such, it should also be understood that every opinion on this board has the potential of being different from everyone else's. That is the joy of life! Life would be boring if we all believed the same things and had the same experiences.

The problem comes in when people don't understand that. They expect to get all responses that support their opinions or the things they are hoping to hear in response to their posts. That is NEVER going to happen. Ever.

A good majority of what I see on here is difference of opinion -- not rudeness or disrespect or condescension. It is people stating their opinions. It is people explaining their point of view. It is people writing about what they believe. And half the time, those opinions are immediately met with "wah wah, you disagreed with the OP which makes you a meanie."

Because of that some people just don't try anymore. They just throw it out there and don't have a care in the world how people take it because they TRIED to offer their opinions kindly and respectfully but that received the same response. No matter how they responded, their difference of opinion was always met with "you're just being mean." So instead, they are now choosing to have some fun and enjoy the boards and not give a crap what people think about their responses. And in my opinion, rightfully so.

Posts like these are not going to solve the problem. What WILL solve the problem is if everyone on this board acknowledged it for what it is ... a board for support, yes, but also a board full of people who are NOT ALL GOING TO AGREE WITH YOU and who don't all have the same opinion as you and who are not going to support things just to be supporting them if they don't agree.

For me, here are my opinions.
I think people should use the search function.
I don't think any of us can truly feel our babies yet.
I don't think anyone's bump is a bump - I think it's bloat.
I don't think any of us have better advice than a doctor, so if you're truly concerned, call them.
I don't think disappointment over gender is justified.
I don't think MJ should be used during pregnancy.
I think wine is okay in moderation later in pregnancy.
I don't plan on BFing for very long.
I'm vaccinating.
I'm circumcising.

I will post my opinion on all of those. Some of them I am extremely passionate about and you will see that passion in my posts. Others, I just happen to have an opinion one way or the other but could care less if anyone else feels the same way. I will always try to respond kindly but if anyone calls me out for being "rude" or "disrespectful" or "condescending" simply for voicing my opinion, then I'll give no more flying fucks and I'll start being a bitch. Simple as that.

Truly, everyone just needs to recognize we are all human beings and yes, being supportive is nice, but so is putting on some big girl pants and realizing that a difference in opinion doesn't mean someone is rude or disrespectful.

Ohandalso, anytime someone posts a gif, it's simply to try and change the subject and make things light again. If you're offended by them that stinks because they're actually super fun.

313Meg · June 2015

Knottie33778600 said:

I completely agree with helping to educate other women if they are really needing it. I have not come across one single woman that I felt the need to criticize for her questions. And my post being "kumbaya" is just hilarious..since when did wanting positive, healthy and respectful conversations become a bad thing or something to make fun of?

I don't think anyone is saying it's bad nor is anyone making fun of it. I think it's just part of the board. If you think people just walk around and do nothing but ride unicorns over rainbows... this isn't the place. You have thousands of people here on this D15 board (ok maybe like 1,000) and we all have different opinions. As it says in the TOU, be prepared for people to disagree.
Especially if anyone comes on with a bold statement or question. People are going to respond. You cant expect everyone to be like "yay, babies, even if this wasn't the question".

I think I've said this 10x now. I don't know what you expected by posting this... but it's not like everyone is going to give you a round of applause. Again, we all think differently.

kmac103 · June 2015

All they are saying is that all the other posts like this are met with the same reaction so if y'all are really interested in keeping the peace, why keep making the same kumbaya posts over and over.

@kyleneum13 very well said.

ammnam14 · June 2015

Lol. Well that escalated quickly.

adecembermom2015 · June 2015

@kyleneum13 I just absolutely love everything about this post. Thank you for taking the time to type exactly what I was thinking.

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

It needs to be said that there are people that are on this board that are making posts that are extraordinarily controversial. I've noticed this increasing rapidly over the past week or two. I don't think that there is any snark directed towards any of the OPs that are making threads based upon actual concerns or non-contentious subject matter. It is inherent that disputable posts will elicit a variety of responses. Some of which will be in support of the position of the poster and some will be against such position.

This is an Internet community, not a support group. That being said, this is a wonderful place to get support if you are willing to contribute back to it. However, debate will inevitably ensue with controversial threads and there is nothing that can be done to stop that.

The Bump administration make this very clear. It is requested that everybody read the user guidelines prior to posting. Anyone who has done such can see that you should not always expect people to agree with your post and your position. Open disagreement is absolutely tolerable however there are many things that are not. These can all be found very easily.

Mother0fDragons · June 2015

I think people need to keep in mind that it's very difficult to know how something is being said in a post/reply given that it's online and not face to face conversations where you can hear the tone in someone's voice and see their facial expressions. Which is why I will repeatedly used smiley faces, as corny as they are, but I feel like it helps people to see my "tone".

groovylocks · June 2015

Sometimes this is uncalled for, i agree. But sometimes it is a very strong response to very damaging misinformation that the original poster insists is sound information.

This board is for support but first and foremost, it is for INFORMATION. And people posting poor information need to be absolutely prevented from doing any more of it.

You also need to remember that somebody being honest or blunt is NOT NEGATIVITY. It is blunt honesty. But certain, more sensitive types of people take it as negativity. Which creates this kind of drama. The onus is on the sensitive person to not read more into a reply than what is there.

groovylocks · June 2015

There are also a lot of people who post questions that have not only been answered a bazillion times but ARE THE FIRST HIT ON GOOGLE WHEN YOU SEARCH FOR THE QUESTION.

"Is a faint line on a test indicative of hormone issue?" I had this happen to me so i did the most logical thing. I googled the manufacturer to see what they had to say. Voila. Answered in ten seconds.

But not only are a lot of people not doing this, they're also not searching the boards themselves (which it states in the rules you really need to do)

And come on, this is just being lazy and selfish. Just because somebody's tone is nice, if their ACTIONS are self-centered or shortsighted, the nice words don't mean anything.

nik6499 · June 2015

I don't see the purpose of posts like this, other than to stir the pot.

erikaalzet · June 2015

FISH TACOS

ammnam14 · June 2015

@erikaalzet thanks for the craving!!!!

kmac103 · June 2015

@erikaalzet You've awaken the taco craving lol

rain0831boww · June 2015

Why was this post created? Really? Not trying to be mean but are you thinking we are going to have a Mean Girls moment and all agree with each other? While I like going on here, if someone is going to "shame" me or feel strongly the other way about something.... Who the f cares. This is the internet. Not my parents, not my best friend. Get a group of women from all over, different backgrounds, life situations and you're going to get strong opinions. That's what makes the world go round and I'd rather have discussions and say what I feel or believe in.

CMDD · June 2015

kyleneum13 said:
Posts like these go downhill fast and I think the main reason for that is because they're hypocritical.

Please note: My saying this post is hypocritical is not rude. It is not disrespectful. Too often on this board a difference in opinion is immediately tagged as rude, disrespectful, negative, snarky, sarcastic, or inappropriate. I think that's half the problem.

But to get back to my point, these posts go downhill because they are hypocritical. They are posted out of frustration for those on this board that some feel are rude or condescending and yet this very post is meant to openly call out those people, which I also find rude and condescending.

The fact is that this is a public forum. It is a group of hundreds of women from different backgrounds and walks of life all going through ONE similar experience of pregnancy -- but aside from that, many of us do not and will never have anything in common. That should be understood by anyone that chooses to use these boards. And as such, it should also be understood that every opinion on this board has the potential of being different from everyone else's. That is the joy of life! Life would be boring if we all believed the same things and had the same experiences.

The problem comes in when people don't understand that. They expect to get all responses that support their opinions or the things they are hoping to hear in response to their posts. That is NEVER going to happen. Ever.

A good majority of what I see on here is difference of opinion -- not rudeness or disrespect or condescension. It is people stating their opinions. It is people explaining their point of view. It is people writing about what they believe. And half the time, those opinions are immediately met with "wah wah, you disagreed with the OP which makes you a meanie."

Because of that some people just don't try anymore. They just throw it out there and don't have a care in the world how people take it because they TRIED to offer their opinions kindly and respectfully but that received the same response. No matter how they responded, their difference of opinion was always met with "you're just being mean." So instead, they are now choosing to have some fun and enjoy the boards and not give a crap what people think about their responses. And in my opinion, rightfully so.

Posts like these are not going to solve the problem. What WILL solve the problem is if everyone on this board acknowledged it for what it is ... a board for support, yes, but also a board full of people who are NOT ALL GOING TO AGREE WITH YOU and who don't all have the same opinion as you and who are not going to support things just to be supporting them if they don't agree.

For me, here are my opinions.
I think people should use the search function.
I don't think any of us can truly feel our babies yet.
I don't think anyone's bump is a bump - I think it's bloat.
I don't think any of us have better advice than a doctor, so if you're truly concerned, call them.
I don't think disappointment over gender is justified.
I don't think MJ should be used during pregnancy.
I think wine is okay in moderation later in pregnancy.
I don't plan on BFing for very long.
I'm vaccinating.
I'm circumcising.

I will post my opinion on all of those. Some of them I am extremely passionate about and you will see that passion in my posts. Others, I just happen to have an opinion one way or the other but could care less if anyone else feels the same way. I will always try to respond kindly but if anyone calls me out for being "rude" or "disrespectful" or "condescending" simply for voicing my opinion, then I'll give no more flying fucks and I'll start being a bitch. Simple as that.

Truly, everyone just needs to recognize we are all human beings and yes, being supportive is nice, but so is putting on some big girl pants and realizing that a difference in opinion doesn't mean someone is rude or disrespectful.

Ohandalso, anytime someone posts a gif, it's simply to try and change the subject and make things light again. If you're offended by them that stinks because they're actually super fun.

This is perfect. I feel like this clears everything up in a nice, organized, respectful way. Thank you!

raq_2020 · June 2015

I have said this before but I am so grateful that there are really smart, educated women on this board that are not afraid to share their opinions and experiences even if they might be in the minority or accused of being "negative." I have learned soooo much about so many things from this board that I wouldn't have learned if everyone had just responded with neutral or agreeable comments. I WANT INFORMATION. HONEST, REAL, GENUINE INFORMATION. If that comes with a gif -- even better. They're usually funny if you remember not to take it personally.

I'm thankful that on the "look at my bump!" posts, there are ladies to remind us that it's unlikely that it's anything other than bloat (even though, yes!! of course it's exciting!) - I feel more educated knowing what is going on with body at what time. I appreciate that there are people that correct use of "gender" when someone is referring to "sex" - I want to be educated about the proper way to discuss this! That's something I would have probably messed up if there weren't brave ladies who were open enough to be the one person to put it out there in the thread. I appreciate that women who have had miscarriages & complications have shared how much it impacts them to hear others complaining about something trivial like a due date or the sex of the baby. I APPRECIATE KNOWING THIS. I'M SMARTER BECAUSE OF YOU LADIES.

I hate watching others accuse this group of ladies of being "negative" when they're being real, genuine & promoting education & respectful ways to discuss things. I think we should all be assertive with each other about the things we are educated about & not worry about sugar-coating things so that no one thinks you're being "negative."

erikaalzet · June 2015

No tea, no shade but some of you are quite catty.

I mean these boards do read like a CW teen drama (but more like when it was the WB) sometimes.

Fuzzy228 · June 2015

Soooo... Not trying to be mean but an honest question for everyone that is upset by responses that do not agree with your own thoughts. Do you not EVER disagree with your friends or family? Do they actually pretend you are ALWAYS right? If I went to my best friend and said "hey, you think it's cool if I smoke pot while pg" I'm pretty sure her response would be more colorful than anything you guys are getting. You act all hurt because people disagree with you and complain this board is about support. It's also about being real and honest. If you don't want to hear a differing opinion then don't post it. That's life. Whether you are on he Internet or taking to your friend. Stop getting butt hurt. And OP, way to stir shit up. Really. This post is ridiculous and obviously going to cause drama.

MegStark · June 2015

DH09072012 said:
I don't get why people get so up in arms over this stuff...it's the internet. And this is like the 10th Kumbaya post and we're not even out of the first tri.

Seriously!!! Yes, enough kumbaya posts. It's not all hormonal meanies on this board. It's a ton of women with differing opinions.

groovylocks · June 2015

Knottie33778600 said:

See what I mean? Even THIS gets criticized for no good reason. Goodness..

Are you mistaking "disagreeing with" with "criticizing"?

Because THAT has to stop. If i hear one more person (not here specifically though it's happened but life in general) scream Bully because somebody disagreed with them or corrected a factual error they made....

Ok i'm done

Want a personalized experience?

what's with all the shaming?

Re: what's with all the shaming?

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